BDSM: Questions and Answers

[Guest]

sorry in advance for the incoherence--i tend to ramble when i'm tired.

hello everyone. after avidly reading through this thread and learning all about your intimate lives, i thought it would only be fair to speak up and introduce myself. having never posted on a message board before, i'm a little overwhelmed by all the posting options, but i'm sure i'll figure it all out in time.

to start, words can not express how grateful i am for the honestly and eloquence of all posters to this thread. it has been incredibly informative and heartwarming to know that, for many, kink is not synonymous with perversion. despite my age (which is to say, errr...significantly younger than one might expect to have such conviction in a particular lifestyle choice) and having never been in a bdsm relationship, i have been sub, been interested in dom/sub relationships, since i was five years old and would have ken doll tie up barbie and do kinky things to her (or not so kinky, given the anatomical restrictions of plastic dolls, hehe). it is only recently that i have become comfortable with this understanding of myself, and i can attribute much of that to the warmth and humor and knowledge and marked lack of the sadistic whips-n-chains stigma personalities on this board. so, thank you all!

and now , i am just bursting with questions:

for those of you with children, (how) does your d/s relationship carry over to them? do they know/understand? does one parent have a stronger role in decision-making and discipline of children, or is it a joint process?

how important is achieving orgasm (either for yourself or your partner) during a scene?

play parties- i've read several stories on lit which discuss them, but have no real knowledge on them. can someone enlighten me please?

what is subspace? i've come across this phrase sooooo many times on this thread, but can't really identify with it. after all the posts about sub-drop and uncontrollable shaking, it sounds like a frightening position to be in.

just one more question for now, honest!

how is safe sex maintained in the bdsm community? given, most of my knowledge stems from lit stories and this thread, in which there is little or no mention of birth control, so this poses some concern for me.

wow, that was a much longer introductory post than i intended. oops. g'night everyone!

 

[sliverain7]

ack, no, i did register, i did! i think i forgot to sign in or something...still trying to get the hang of this.

-person who posted the previous babble (aka: lee)

 

[cellis]

Welcome to Lit sliverain 7...

I don't have a lot of answers for you, being somewhat new the D/s lifestyle myself and I am not certain that my relationship, which is still evolving, it all that typical... so I'm leaving that to the others who really know better than me...

You will find lots of answers though to what you are asking....

Just stay a while....

 

[RisiaSkye]

welcome, Sliverain!

I'm afraid I can't address questions about children or "safer sex" as I'm in a committed marriage without children. Some ideas on other topic, though:

how important is achieving orgasm (either for yourself or your partner) during a scene?

I'm sure this varies for everyone, and possibly for every scene. For me and my husband, though, it's not really an issue. We both switch, and we both have the blessing of multiple orgasmic potential, so usually orgasms happen for us both, whether we're currently Top or bottom. When I Top, I can still orgasm without direct contact, sometimes just hearing his cries.

play parties- i've read several stories on lit which discuss them, but have no real knowledge on them. can someone enlighten me please?

Sorry I'm not more help on this. Never been to one, only heard second-hand. cym? WD? Others?

what is subspace? i've come across this phrase sooooo many times on this thread, but can't really identify with it. after all the posts about sub-drop and uncontrollable shaking, it sounds like a frightening position to be in.

First, it's important not to confuse subspace with sub-drop. Subspace is that mental state of being you reach when there's no past or future, only the reality of the moment, the commands of a Dom/me, and the truth of your complete submission, service, even worship of that person in that time and place.

Sub-drop is, thankfully, rarer. It's more like a feeling of helpless hopelessness that comes some time after a deeply experienced scene, when the intense emotion of your connection to your partner comes crashing down around your ears, and it feels like you can't find comfort, even can't breathe. It can be devastating, but is usually mercifully brief.

Sorry I'm not more help. I'm sure others will be along before too long, though, and will come armed with many answers and the wisdom of their own experiences. Again, welcome. Grab a seat and get comfy.
~~~~

 

[seXieleXie]

for those who do not frequent the general board

What barbie does with her spare time

 

[Frouwa_Aph]

OMG LeXie
Those pics are hillarious! I'll look at Barbie doll a bit different from now on

Monika

 

[MissTaken]

Silverrain:

Welcome aboard! I am very glad to see you are posting and yes, for many of us, it was a relief to find lit and in particular this thread. *MUAH * everyone.

Parenting: The children see only a fairly traditional DAD and mom relationship. The Dom understands before every meeting me that my children are a priority and D/s activities need to be curtailed around my children's needs. i.e. scening when the children are visiting elsewhere etc. There are , of course, certain things the do carry over into the daily life that are not cause for concern.

I do have a friend who's 13 year old found their toy box. When that happened, the child was completely non plussed and was proud of his kinky parents ! ACK!

Subspace: I love Risia's description of subspace. I think we all find it through different means, but yes, a complete cessation of time, stimuli or stressors. As a sub, it is for me, the most relaxing mental state to exist only to please and serve. Subspace is better than any street drug! *smirks*

Admittedly, I was the person who posted as yankeesub and suffered the shaking and trembling after a little scene. I later found that I was dehydrated, my blood sugar had dropped and there, indeed , were physiological reasons for how I felt. Dom also learned how to bring me out of such intense space.

The journey is difficult with glorious highs and deep, black abyss'. All will be worth it in the end.

Be well

Miss T

 

[cellis]

Oh Lexie...

Those pictures are just too funny... and I am so jealous... she has a St. Andrew's cross and I don't

Sliverain...

Just a couple of thoughts...

First about sub-drop...sub-drop
I think I posted about this orginally... the first couple of times my Master and I had intense scenes, I experienced tremendous endorphin rushes, and then almost 24 hours later tremendous drops... tearful, painful on an emotional level...
I have since learned that no everyone experiences this or at least not to the degree I have... We talked about this and he backed off on the intensity a little and I still got the rushes, but not to the degree I had in the beginning... and the drops are no where as severe as they were in the beginning either...

Second is subspacesubspace...
This is something that you really have to experience for yourself... I can describe what happens to me, but I don't know if it is the same for everyone.... I am only aware of two things when I am there.... Himself and the sensations he creates in my body and mind... there is just nothing else... my mind ceases to function except on a purely sensational level...

I would suggest that you look over some of the links provided in this thread... some of them are very helpful in describing the kinds of things you are asking about....

Welcome again....

 

[girl]

Since most the other questions were really well-answered, I'll take the safer sex question.

Individually, of course, safer sex options are up to each person in the scene itself. Each couple (or more-ple), as in vanilla situations, decides on what (if any) safer sex devices will be used. I'd also like to point out that if a dominant who is new to you refuses to practice safer sex, run.

In group settings, you have public and private parties (guess I'll answer the party question too ). In my experience, most public gatherings at dungeons and BDSM events (usually hosted in hotels), sex itself is not allowed and with any genital play, gloves (for hands) and condoms (for toys) are required, for the safety, not only of the participants, but the event/location as well.

Private parties usually don't have these rules, but condoms are sometimes required if the people involved are not fluid-bonded (meaning, generally, that they're tested regularly, do not use protection with each other, but use protection with others, if applicable). Usually at private parties, condoms, gloves and (often) dental dams are provided by the host(s). Some hosts require safer sex be practiced, regardless of fluid-bonding. It's always wise to find out beforehand, if you're invited to a party, and act accordingly.

To answer play parties:
Play parties are places where kinky folks can go to play (obvious as mud, huh?). At events hosted by organizations or at dungeons, you'll find all kinds of different stations with different equipment: a St Andrew's Cross, a spanking bench, a medical table, suspension devices, cages, etc. At private parties, the equipment is a bit more limited, usually consisting of a home dungeon that has a few (or more) larger pieces. Some parties don't have dungeons, leaving it to each person to bring something. At these parties you can see all manner of things, from flogging, to spanking, to more edgier things, such as needleplay and heavy singletail sessions.

Submissives are not 'general property,' meaning that any random dominant cannot require you to do anything, if you're submissive (there are exceptions to this which vary by party, but they're pretty rare). Usually anyone can watch the scenes going on, but not interfere unless invited. It's a pretty fun time watching different styles of play and different types of play, especially things that you'd never expect you'd like.

Oh, and welcome to Lit, btw.
girl, feeling verbose today

 

[HotXBunz]

silverain, welcome to Lit. I think with the kid question that each couple works that out on their own. There is usually a dominant parent in most families but this may not necessarily be the Dom/Domme. I am in a switch relationship and even though the kids are biologically mine, my partner is more of a diciplinarian than I am.

My kids found my toy box when they were in ther late teens. They asked me about it knowing full well I was going to come unassed about their privacy breach. They were rather cool about it. Surprised, but okay. They didn't ask anything specific, just wanted to know when I got "kinky". Now that they are gone I have some of our toys hanging on the wall in the bedroom behind the door. I guess I am not as ashamed or embarassed as I used to be. I also have a "don't ask about something unless you want an answer" attitude. They don't ask.

When they were living here we usually waited until they were gone for the evening to play hard because of the noise. We also found ways to have intense encounters without a lot of noise but that took lots of fine tuning our knowledge regarding each others pain tolerance. We had to know just what we could do that would elicite a moan rather than a scream.

I hope this answered your question.

I am glad you are here. I don't feel like the new kid on the block any more. This is my first BB experience and I am so glad I found this group.

 

[cymbidia]

Let me also offer you a warm welcome to our small community, sliverain. You've asked a big handful of very good questions as you walked in the door. Such is always a wonderful way to begin residency in a place like this!

Yours questions have been answered thorougly by others but i'll just add some shadings to a few if i might.

having never posted on a message board before, i'm a little overwhelmed by all the posting options, but i'm sure i'll figure it all out in time.

You'll be a pro in no time. It's amazingly easy, to be honest. Trained chimp stuff, i think. And feel free to blow it all over the place here. We'll be laughing with you when you do, not at you.

i have been sub, been interested in dom/sub relationships, since i was five years old and would have ken doll tie up barbie and do kinky things to her (or not so kinky, given the anatomical restrictions of plastic dolls, hehe). it is only recently that i have become comfortable with this understanding of myself, and i can attribute much of that to the warmth and humor and knowledge and marked lack of the sadistic whips-n-chains stigma personalities on this board.

Many of us have felt lifelong stirrings and surgings of wistful yearning or hot need toward what is generally percieved as BDSM sexuality. Most of us didn't have a name to put on those shameful impulses until well into our adult lives. All of us are still learning, both those who've been doing this awhile and those who are newer to it. And i'm not sure we have any real sadists in the bunch at the moment so you're probably safe from any scary whips 'n chains types for now. (Though, you know, whips and chains can be a lot of fun.)

how important is achieving orgasm (either for yourself or your partner) during a scene?

I orgasm very easily and would be... dismayed, i think... if someone really truly unkindly led me to the edge over and over and over but didn't let me go off. I *like* to cum. I *want* to cum. It's as important to me during a scene as it is during plain straight lovemaking. It's definitely a part of the experience, for me, almost 100% of the time.

That said, i've learned over the years and at the hands of a number of very talented and capable Dom/mes that sometimes, maybe even often (and far more often with men than women), the Dominant will *not* want to orgasm during the scene, or if they do, it will be at the very very very end. Often, when the Dom (and this is far less common with Dommes) has had an orgasm, the play is over for at least a while. Then, it's time for removing restraints and massaging the sore places, and cuddling closely.

That's just in my experience, of course.

what is subspace? i've come across this phrase sooooo many times on this thread, but can't really identify with it.

Sub-space is... so incredibly unbelievably lovely and wonderful that it's almost impossible to describe.

It's pure emotion, a place of such total focus and concentration on the flow of what's passing between you two that all else in the universe is like dust motes in the air around you. You seehearsmelltastefeel your Dom/me - and nothing else. You are pure receptivity, and only consist of nerve endings, every single one of which is attuned to your Dom/me and the touches s/he is granting you.

Time passes in subspace differently. When you emerge from subspace, often far more time has passed (sometimes a great deal more) than you feel is can be possible. You're often groggy and slow upon coming up out of it, like you've been deeply drugged or asleep for a long time.

But you feel *wonderful*. Well, your body might feel fragile and thirsty and achy, perhaps, but your soul feels clean and pure and wildly exhilarated. It's an incredibly bonding experience for both partners, your trip into subspace at their hands.

As what it really is, well, it's a temporary chemical change in your body that translates into a euphroic kind of "high". It's not a thing you can practice, like one practices having her arms bound back more and more tightly in preparation for a singlesleeve. It's something that simply *happens* to you, or not.

It's not a thing like orgasm, either, that involves (let's face it) a series of pretty mechanical moves (rub here, pull there, go faster, oh yeh, oh yeh oh YEHHHHHHH). It's something that happens when your body and mind and emotions are incredibly focused and open. Mostly, it *doesn't* happen. Mostly you scene and have a ***GREAT*** time but it sure doesn't happen all the time, not even half the time, not even a quarter of the time (for me). It a gift from the gods, subspace is.

Again sliverain, welcome to Lit in general and to this thread in particular. Good questions!

 

[Merelan]

I know what the next Literotica book should be.
This thread, in manual form.

 

[Magister]

Hello, everyone

I see I have a tremendous amount of reading to do here. Thank you, cymbidia, for starting this fascinating thread.

My slave, geri, and I only bonded as Master and slave a few months ago, over AIM. However, W/we are planning on visiting, then 24/7 together, assuming all works well. My current plan is for her to move in next to Me, so that her kids have a place to live with her, yet she can be with Me in My place as much as possible. I choose not to worry about keeping the children from learing too much about O/our lifestyle by keeping them out of My place altogether. When I am in their presence, I will probably be their 'uncle' to them, or mommy's boyfriend. W/we shall see.

 

[MissTaken]

It is very nice to meet you.

I am sure that you and geri will find lots of information in the thread.

Please, feel free to ask questions as there is quite a variety of experience in terms of lenght of time in the lifestyle as well as activities and tastes.

Be well,
Miss T

 

[Magister]

Thank you, Miss T

(If this was discussed already, please forgive Me, as I've not yet read the thread entire) There is something I'd been pondering for a while, that may make for a good topic:

What are your opinions of the importance of monogamy in BDSM relationships? In My case, geri is My slave, and knows that I will do as I wish with another woman, should I so choose. In fact, if I choose to bring in another woman, either as a slave, a switch, or a part-time sub, that is simply how it will be. I suspect that geri would truly love to be able to serve a Master and a Mistress, and I may try that.

How do you all feel about polyamorous BDSM?

 

[khamoshi]

25 or more years into BDSM?

Hello A/all,

i'm a writer and reseaching the (BDSM) lifestyle for a book and am interested to speak to people who have been part of it for 25 or more years.

i'm in the lifestyle myself, so not, as was implied somewhere else a weirdo, but someone with a genuine interested in 'how it used to be'.

should Y/you be interested or want more information about my project Y/you can contact me at: lady_rahven@yahoo.com

thank Y/you for reading this
be well and safe,

Khamoshi

 

[khamoshi]

for cymbidia

Hello A/all,

i'm a writer and reseaching the (BDSM) lifestyle for a book and am interested to speak to people who have been part of it for 25 or more years.

cymbidia, thank you for your reply on the other board, and yes i would appreciate it if i could tell you more about my project. is there anywhere were i could email you?



khamoshi

 

[cymbidia]

Hello khamoshi and welcome to our easy, stress-free little corner of Lit. We've managed to carve out a place of our own here from among the many and varied people who visit Lit with regularity. We rejoice at new faces and voices, stories and questions, among us, too.

Just so you know, we really don't stand on ceremony here with regard to the widespread (online mostly) use of contorted BDSM-style honorifics. In other words, that whole W/we, U/us, Y/you, E/etc thing really isn't at all necessary here. If you want to use it for your own reasons, then please do so, of course. We try very hard to be accepting of all the kinks and personal quirks that show up on the doorstep, so to speak.

May i ask, please, if you would mind very much posting a little more information on the main premise of your book? If you're not a lifestyler, why and how did you end up researching this topic? Do you already have a contract or is this book something you're working on speculatively? (We have at least two published authors among our number here, btw, and someone who is completing her Ph.D. studies in a somewhat related field, not that those facts will matter at all to you.)

I have more than 25 years in thelifestyle, as i told you on the other thread. However, i'd definitely be loathe to contribute anything at all to a book that would be less than totally sympathetic to my kind of sexuality, as i'm sure you can understand.

 

[cymbidia]

What are your opinions of the importance of monogamy in BDSM relationships? In My case, geri is My slave, and knows that I will do as I wish with another woman, should I so choose. In fact, if I choose to bring in another woman, either as a slave, a switch, or a part-time sub, that is simply how it will be. I suspect that geri would truly love to be able to serve a Master and a Mistress, and I may try that.

How do you all feel about polyamorous BDSM?

Welcome to you, Magister, and to you, geri, as well.

My opinion on monogomay within BDSM relationships is the same as it is for any relationship: as long as no one is being forced to do anything they don't want to do or be a part of that which makes them too terribly uncomfortable on a basic human level, then whatever works best for the people involved is the best thing for them.

As has been said before in this thread, over and over, BDSM relationships are, in my opinion, always relationships first, before they're BDSM. We are always and forever still people within the self-chosen boundries and rules of our relationships, whether they be nilla or BDSM.

If it works for both you and geri, Magister, to have a potentially polyamorous relationship, then go for it!

We're pretty firmly committed to the ideals behind the slogan Safe, Sane, and Consensual round here, as you'll likely learn.

 

[khamoshi]

Hello khamoshi and welcome to our easy, stress-free little corner of Lit.

Hello cymbidia,
thank you for your warm and friendly welcome.

Glad to hear that the whole"W/we, U/us, Y/you, E/etc " isn't used here.It is though something I use when not sure, as some places take it quite badly when on doesn't.

Some more info about my research, the how and why.

Yes, i am a lifestyler, although what often is called with disgust "a newbie". I've been part of this for about 8-10 months now, and am very happily part of a couple (so any trolls don't waste your time with me ).
I'm also a (nearly) published poetess (book will be out by the end of the 2002) and since my entry into this lifestyle I have written a lot of poetry related to my journey of discovery. Poetry that is quite different from what i write normally. My partner suggested, when we discussed this change in style, for me to concentrate on this new part of my life/writing as he thinks what I am churning out is very good. And that a book of submissive-newbie poetry could be the next step in my writing.

To do this, I have spend a lot of time, talking to other people, here and on other sites /chats to see what other people feel/think/experience., broadened my horizon from what is between me and him, and what there is within BDSM.
I wanted to know the difference between what we have and what other there is.
During this research, for me, and my poetry, I have come across a lot of interesting stories, experiences and nice people, and have slowly on changed the purpose of my book from submissive-newbie poetry to a book about the history of BDSM in the last 50 years. I'm curious about the changes, the development, the way people live and experienced the lifestyle in this time period.
I found someone who has 50+ years experience and who made me realise that once he passes on, a part of human history will be lost, I want to record this before this happens.
And thats why I am looking for people who have that many years of personal experience.

For me this will be a whole new type of writing but I am confident I can do it. I know enough, am imvolved enough not to make the book a farse, joke or offensive document, I'm also newbie enough to make a document that will show the vanilla world what it is all about. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I feel as if I am still in a bit of "no mans land", so that the book will be interesting both for BDSM as for vanilla readers.

At the moment I have 3 people willing to share their story, one photographer (in the lifestyle) who is interested to illustrate the book, and 4 people who support, coach, advice and assist me on this journey into the BDSM past.
And my partner who believes I will do a truthfull respectful work.

I do not know if my publisher will be interested in handling this book.
At the moment I am looking for people who would be willing to share their story, to answer questions, so that I know if I will have the resources to do this.
Once I know this, I will put my idea to my publisher and see if he or someone else would be interested to publish this book.


I hope this answers anyone's questions, if not please let me know

khamoshi

PS: actually I'm very interested in the 2 published authors and the person who is doing the Ph.D, infact are the topics BDSM related? And could anyone tell me more about it?

 

[SpectreT]

Cool. New voices, one of whom is interested in history. Sorry, though, can't help you with that one. 25 years is five years less than all the time there's been in my life. And I've only been really interested in the last seven or eight years, when a g/f of mine and I started playing. She's moved on from me for quite a while now, and I'm slowly getting over it, and getting back to living. I'm working on getting published myself, in the Fantasy genre, if I can find a good editor. Maybe I should find an agent instead.

Maybe I should stay on topic.

Greetings to the new voices, and yes, "newbie" can be a grating term, when it's used in an exasperated tone of voice.

Thank God I've never heard it.

 

[khamoshi]

Cool. New voices, one of whom is interested in history. Sorry, though, can't help you with that one. .

thank you SpectreT for you welcome.

Yup your right "newbie" oft aint used in a nice way... but it has made me wonder if those who use it are some special breed who never was a newbie themselves.

Cool you're a writer too, i will keep my fingers crossed for you and hope you may find a publisher for your work


khamoshi

 

[apple3141]

The Story of Subspace

Recent Posts have contained questions by, and answers to, novice subs. I use the word "novice" in the same sense as one would use it in "novice nuns"; I, for one, can see a lot of similarity between the two.

Some of the most important questions asked concern the nature of the condition called "being in subspace": Who can achieve it? How do you get into it? what is it like inside? Is it open to all subs or only to those who lead the life 24/7?

What I have read indicates that "being in subspace" is a spiritual rather than a physical experience, closer to a state of religious exaltation than to sexual excitement and release.

Who can and does achieve this state? I have had the privilege of correspondence with a few authors who are female and have been submissive in their relationships. They have experienced subspace. My sample is very small. Are all female subs blessed with this experience? Do any male subs share this experience?

Posts on this thread tell us that subspace is lovely, marvellous. In what way?

I wish I could remember her name, but anyway there was one famous Catholic Nun, I believe she was beatified, who wrote of her deep religious experiences, in which she met named Angels and Saints and achieved ecstasy many times. 20th century critics analysing her writing pointed out that it precisely described the feelings of the onset, continuation and end of a female orgasm. I mention this only because it shews what can be done by writing.

There is a difficult but rewarding writing project here. It may be that a skilled writer with extensive experience of subspace could do it. Cymbidia springs to mind. It may be that it could be well done by a skilled writer, KillerMuffin springs to mind, working together with a skilled therapist and a number of eloquent subs. I do not imply that subs need therapy, only that therapists are skilled at extracting, and recording, a subject's deepest feelings. Isn't it so?

I believe that it would be found that there are different strokes for different folks, and the whole work might appear like a casebook, "The Story of Mary" followed by "The Story of Rose" followed by "The Story of Perdida" and so on. As these chapters would essentially be Interior Monologues, "Stream of Consciousness" writing, as in "Ulysses", might be very effective.

Whether it is broadcast on the Net or printed on paper, the work I have in mind would be enormously helpful to aspiring recruits to your community, as well promoting deeper understanding among your Nilla friends. Like me.

 

[RisiaSkye]

geo, sounds like a promising project. You are clearly articulate and at least open-minded enough to look into the idea. Why not you as the author? You seem to have it fairly well mapped out already...

For some reason, your post reminds me of my father-in-law. Something about the rhythms of your sentences, and the emphasis on religion and the therapeutic model. Hmm. I'm gonna have to go get some sleep, before *that* particular Freudian quagmire takes hold in my sub-conscious/conscience. Heh.

 

[apple3141]

The Tau of Subspace

geo, sounds like a promising project. You are clearly articulate and at least open-minded enough to look into the idea. Why not you as the author? You seem to have it fairly well mapped out already...

I love research, but the far south coast of Africa (Lat. 34) is not a good place to start on this. If anything transpires, I'd love to help, in any capacity at all.

Sounding like your Father-in-law is better than sounding like your Mother-in-law (just kidding). Is he English? or if not, perhaps he was educated somewhere in the Ivy League.