BDSM leakage

[where]

Leakage? No.

Having a family member spy, violate my girl's privacy, and break her trust to find out? Yes.

It's just hard when she has to live with him, we're in a LDR, she's in college, and it's her own father who did it.

that is disgusting. can she not leave?

 

[BiBunny]

The BDSM factor is significantly less likely to come out than the poly factor in my life. Overall, it causes less reactions as well. My close friends know that I'm kinky, but all of my friends that are local know I'm poly. Can you guess which one spawns more judgement?

Lemme give you a hint, people mind far less that idea that you tie your partner up, than the in-your-face reality of the third person in your relationship. The former they can ignore if they try, but the latter is sitting at the table eating dinner with them.

I don't share because I want to. I share because short of some major bullshit combined with a lot of behavioural modification, people WILL figure out that we do things a little bit differently. It's just a consequence of deciding to live together, and, well, we chose it. *shrug*

Personally, I don't care overmuch. My friends tend to be rather open-minded people overall, and I am firmly of the opinion (like BB) that the ones that aren't, aren't worth keeping as friends. It has caused problems before, but not insurmountable ones.

The other major tactic I use is a simple one. If people (usually family) start to ask questions that are hedging towards untoward, I say, "If you ask me a question about this, I'm going to tell you. But once you get the answer, I want you to remember that YOU asked." To date, it has worked beautifully.

*Sigh* I hate you. Joke!

I know it has to be hard for you. ALL of you. I know how judgmental people can be and how difficult that can make things. But I admire you and your girls (which is something I've told you before).

It hurts to be closeted. It hurts like a bitch. Honestly, I think I'd be better off gay and monogamous than bisexual and polyamorous, even in Alabama. Sure, there are plenty of people here who'd make my life miserable if I were gay and mono, but I think I could eventually move to some decent-sized town (or even stay in the one I'm in) and be out.

But when you're poly, the choice about being out isn't just up to you. Particularly when you're coming into a relationship with an existing married couple. I've heard the "we can't let anyone know" line more times than I can count. And while I guess I understand it intellectually, I have a really big problem with it.

I feel like they're ashamed of me. I don't buy the whole, "Oh, what about our professional lives?" bit. What about them? If you can pull the whole thing off with enough panache and make it look like you can't possibly imagine why people would object to something that's such an integral part of your lives, I don't think it'd be as big a deal as one would think it'd be. Every time they pull that out, I think of y'all. Y'all have made it work, and it hasn't had disastrous effects on y'all's professional lives.

Their friends don't even know. I get pushed aside if anything comes up that requires their presence. I feel like I'm living a lie, an illusion, and that this will never be my real life. It's just something I play at from time to time until they decide I can't anymore.

So, yeah, in short, I wish they had the courage that you do.

Sorry about the tangent. It's just been on my mind lately.

I think that if BDSM is more of a lifestyle then this makes sense. Or, as in your case, H, your "kink" is going to be obvious and visible to the world at large.

But for me, my friends don't need to be accepting of my BDSM, or BDSM in general, nor would I insist that they be - if I were to tell them about it, which I won't. I would hate to limit the kinds of friends I have because of that. As it is, I have a wide circle of friends with diverse lifestyles and beliefs. I don't agree with every aspect of their life and I'm sure they don't agree with every aspect of mine but that makes for interesting relationships, in my opinion.

Well, I don't know if I'd call it a "lifestyle," but it's kinda hard to hide the fact that you're dating three people. Two of whom are female, and two of whom are married to one another, LOL.

Even though I didn't meet most of my friends in a kinky context, they're all a little twisted, so the kinky stuff is just stuff we talk about under normal circumstances. I'm more bent than most of them, but it's not like visible bruises in odd places are going to make them faint in horror.

 

[Keroin]

*Sigh* I hate you. Joke!

I know it has to be hard for you. ALL of you. I know how judgmental people can be and how difficult that can make things. But I admire you and your girls (which is something I've told you before).

It hurts to be closeted. It hurts like a bitch. Honestly, I think I'd be better off gay and monogamous than bisexual and polyamorous, even in Alabama. Sure, there are plenty of people here who'd make my life miserable if I were gay and mono, but I think I could eventually move to some decent-sized town (or even stay in the one I'm in) and be out.

But when you're poly, the choice about being out isn't just up to you. Particularly when you're coming into a relationship with an existing married couple. I've heard the "we can't let anyone know" line more times than I can count. And while I guess I understand it intellectually, I have a really big problem with it.

I feel like they're ashamed of me. I don't buy the whole, "Oh, what about our professional lives?" bit. What about them? If you can pull the whole thing off with enough panache and make it look like you can't possibly imagine why people would object to something that's such an integral part of your lives, I don't think it'd be as big a deal as one would think it'd be. Every time they pull that out, I think of y'all. Y'all have made it work, and it hasn't had disastrous effects on y'all's professional lives.

Their friends don't even know. I get pushed aside if anything comes up that requires their presence. I feel like I'm living a lie, an illusion, and that this will never be my real life. It's just something I play at from time to time until they decide I can't anymore.

So, yeah, in short, I wish they had the courage that you do.

Sorry about the tangent. It's just been on my mind lately.



Well, I don't know if I'd call it a "lifestyle," but it's kinda hard to hide the fact that you're dating three people. Two of whom are female, and two of whom are married to one another, LOL.

Even though I didn't meet most of my friends in a kinky context, they're all a little twisted, so the kinky stuff is just stuff we talk about under normal circumstances. I'm more bent than most of them, but it's not like visible bruises in odd places are going to make them faint in horror.

Yeah, the poly thing is a whole different deal.

Honestly? I think I would do well in a poly relationship. I'd love to have another woman around for L, especially when I'm on a writing jag and don't want to be disturbed, lol. I've thought about it many times but I keep coming back to how I/we would make it work in real life and I honestly don't think I could.

I love my friends and I know whole bunches of them just wouldn't be able to handle/accept it. Nor would my family. And I wouldn't want a third person to feel the way you've described, that is simply unfair. I don't want to live a lie either.

So, I remain mono. It is what it is.

 

[sinnocence]

that is disgusting. can she not leave?

Believe me, I'd give anything if I could. The situation is complicated, as cliche and ridiculous as that sounds. But it is hard. Especially when my father literally hates him now because he thinks Master doesn't "treat me right". If only he knew how well taken care of I really am. But sadly, like a lot of people, he's too blinded by his ignorance and hypocritical ways.

 

[where]

Believe me, I'd give anything if I could. The situation is complicated, as cliche and ridiculous as that sounds. But it is hard. Especially when my father literally hates him now because he thinks Master doesn't "treat me right". If only he knew how well taken care of I really am. But sadly, like a lot of people, he's too blinded by his ignorance and hypocritical ways.

that's really sad, I'm sorry.

and your dad is a fool. hating the boyfriend just drives a girl away.

 

[BiBunny]

Yeah, the poly thing is a whole different deal.

Honestly? I think I would do well in a poly relationship. I'd love to have another woman around for L, especially when I'm on a writing jag and don't want to be disturbed, lol. I've thought about it many times but I keep coming back to how I/we would make it work in real life and I honestly don't think I could.

I love my friends and I know whole bunches of them just wouldn't be able to handle/accept it. Nor would my family. And I wouldn't want a third person to feel the way you've described, that is simply unfair. I don't want to live a lie either.

So, I remain mono. It is what it is.

Kudos to you for realizing that before you ever got into a relationship like that. I'm not being sarcastic, either. If more people actually thought beyond "Ooh, two girls!" or whatever, I don't think you'd see nearly as many "bad" poly relationships.

 

[Keroin]

Kudos to you for realizing that before you ever got into a relationship like that. I'm not being sarcastic, either. If more people actually thought beyond "Ooh, two girls!" or whatever, I don't think you'd see nearly as many "bad" poly relationships.

I didn't pick up any sarcasm at all, no worries.

Homburg's model of poly is very appealing and admittedly it's the one that started putting more serious thoughts about it in my head. But I've examined it from every angle and I'm confident that it isn't workable for us.

Along with the other reasons I've mentioned, is our pathological nomadicity. How fair would it be to find someone you really gel with and then, six months down the road say, "Hey, guess what, we've decided to move to Paraguay!" Again, not fair.

Then there's the fact that a relationship of only two is damn hard work sometimes. It's hard to imagine throwing another person and all their "stuff" into the mix.

Also, we'd want to be with someone close to our age and the likelihood of finding someone in the 40-50 age range, who is a good fit for us AND who does not have (or want) kid(s) is pretty darn slim. Kids would be a total deal breaker for us.

I can't imagine getting into a poly relationship - especially if you are already married - and not putting a whole lot of thought into it. Though, I'm sure it happens.

 

[intothewoods]

Well, for me, I feel that most people's dislike of BDSM is based mainly in fear and ignorance. And I understand how they feel that way; the images out there of BDSM are, in large part, pretty scary, especially if you know nothing about it. Goodness knows I certainly didn't consider myself "one of them" until recently. I had no idea that the things I enjoyed fell under that umbrella because visually I fall well outside of what I've seen of BDSM. Combine that with the prudish message we've been fed all of our lives about what kind of sex is "normal" and "good" and it's no wonder we're thought of as deviants.

I can't blame most people for their feelings about BDSM and that certainly isn't a deal breaker for me when it comes to friendship. IMO, there are far more important issues.

Also, I kind of like that BDSM is taboo. I like that it isn't mainstream and accepted. I like having something in my life that's "naughty".

I get what you're saying about intolerance, yes, that can be a tough one. I guess I move in such a wide array of circles and I've lived in places where people think and act so very different from our N American norm that I've learned to let a lot of things "slide".

If a person has never heard of bdsm and reacts like, what the heck, that would be no biggie. I don't only hang out with super sex freaks or anything like that. I'm thinking more of the type of person who thinks sex is the root of all evil or feminists who feel s&m with the female on the bottom is wrong. I wouldn't immediately write that person off, but I'm just guessing that this wouldn't be someone I would be close with in the long term. But it's true that context is everything. I don't talk about my sex life with everyone by far, so I ciould develop a different kind of friendship with that person. It's just that with my super close friends (three or four people), I do tell them everything.

When I learn the background behind why a person holds a particular belief, it's always helpful. I should try and be less jaded. It just seems like some people are so stuck in their beliefs, that chances are they'll never consider a different point of view. Who knows though. I'm sure people think the same of me, but I really do try and read opposing viewpoints often. Hell I don't have WriterDom on ignore or anything!

 

[Keroin]

If a person has never heard of bdsm and reacts like, what the heck, that would be no biggie. I don't only hang out with super sex freaks or anything like that. I'm thinking more of the type of person who thinks sex is the root of all evil or feminists who feel s&m with the female on the bottom is wrong. I wouldn't immediately write that person off, but I'm just guessing that this wouldn't be someone I would be close with in the long term. But it's true that context is everything. I don't talk about my sex life with everyone by far, so I ciould develop a different kind of friendship with that person. It's just that with my super close friends (three or four people), I do tell them everything.

When I learn the background behind why a person holds a particular belief, it's always helpful. I should try and be less jaded. It just seems like some people are so stuck in their beliefs, that chances are they'll never consider a different point of view. Who knows though. I'm sure people think the same of me, but I really do try and read opposing viewpoints often. Hell I don't have WriterDom on ignore or anything!

LOL. I honestly don't know what most of my close friends think about sex. Not in any detail anyway. My best friend knows about my proclivities and that is it. I don't think anyone else really needs to know. So maybe my friends would be cool with it or maybe they'd think I'm the spawn of Satan. Hard to say.

 

[the captians wench]

Kudos to you for realizing that before you ever got into a relationship like that. I'm not being sarcastic, either. If more people actually thought beyond "Ooh, two girls!" or whatever, I don't think you'd see nearly as many "bad" poly relationships.

QFT..

In all honesty, I'm such a needy little bitch I don't know why any one would want to take me on, let alone when they already have one partner, but both situations have happened before.

However, with my attention needs, I think having more than one person in my live to feed that hunger is a good thing. I can suck up a lot of time and energy when I'm feeling needy, which is more often than not.

 

[KoPilot]

Oh boy! Well, guess my best friend found out tonight. xD

Apparently I'd commented on a Lip Service link on FB a couple weeks ago (link was to a bondage ball club event here in LA?) and I was lamenting that S wasn't here to go with me, and that's how she found out.

And I guess she doesn't judge, which is nice, but can't figure out why all the terminology is so important.

 

[sinnocence]

that's really sad, I'm sorry.

and your dad is a fool. hating the boyfriend just drives a girl away.

Thanks. And you're right, it really does.

 

[BiBunny]

QFT..

In all honesty, I'm such a needy little bitch I don't know why any one would want to take me on, let alone when they already have one partner, but both situations have happened before.

However, with my attention needs, I think having more than one person in my live to feed that hunger is a good thing. I can suck up a lot of time and energy when I'm feeling needy, which is more often than not.

Same here!

 

[Black_Bunny]

My friends know what I do. If I honestly thought I couldn't tell them because they'd judge me, then what the hell would I want them as friends for?

So, so, so very true.... it makes me want to tell my friends. Like, really really want to tell them.

So very much want to tell them... I may... do it... soon.

 

[FloggingMolly]

So how does everyone deal with awkward questions/situations with friends, family or colleagues?

 

[TypicalDeviant]

So how does everyone deal with awkward questions/situations with friends, family or colleagues?

Well, with family and colleagues, I don't bring it up. If something comes up, I do my best to make the situation humorous and laugh it off. If that's not possible, I'll react as nonchalantly as possible and shrug my shoulders, maybe with a "to each his own, you know?".

To friends, if something weird comes up, I tend to get a little "SweetErika"/Dan Savage on them. You know, very matter-of-fact, GGG, different stokes, and all that. They'll generally get a little freaked out by my extensive knowledge of kinky matters, at which point they'll ask how I know all that and I'll simply respond with "I read a lot".

 

[intothewoods]

So how does everyone deal with awkward questions/situations with friends, family or colleagues?

What awkward situations? I don't really get into the details of the inner workings of my relationship with family or colleagues, or casual friends. I certainly don't talk about my sex life. The closest would be a situation where he has made the decision about something, and I'm not going to say, well, he has the final world. I would just say, oh, he decided that one. Or, we decided x was for the best. I just kind of skate around the issue, and really, it's not like I'm obligated to share every little thing, so it's no big deal. The other potential issue would be if we're going away for the weekend to an event. That happens rarely, but I just say we're going away just the two of us, or something like that.

 

[intothewoods]

Some of this might be an age/social circle issue. In college, talking about sex was pretty common. I'm not going to go to a PTA meeting and start chatting about being good, giving and game! LMAO. And I don't talk about that stuff at work either. I used to be a lot more open with work friends when I was much younger, but these days I so appreciate having a private life. There's still plenty to gossip about - mostly kids, pets, fixing up the house. Usual bullshit.

 

[Homburg]

So how does everyone deal with awkward questions/situations with friends, family or colleagues?

As I said above, "If you ask me a question, I'm going to answer it. Just remember that you asked the question."

 

[FloggingMolly]

I suppose the big problem for me is colleagues. I'd hav no qualms in telling friends or family if needed. But the girls at work are the usual young, free, single 'all men are bastards and we should put them in their place'. When the situation about working extra shifts/nghts out come up, and I am no permitted to go, how do I answer/make an excuse?

Mads and I work in the same mall. It'll become gossip in seconds, as well as all the snide comments about female liberation and not being a stepford wife...

 

[intothewoods]

I suppose the big problem for me is colleagues. I'd hav no qualms in telling friends or family if needed. But the girls at work are the usual young, free, single 'all men are bastards and we should put them in their place'. When the situation about working extra shifts/nghts out come up, and I am no permitted to go, how do I answer/make an excuse?

Mads and I work in the same mall. It'll become gossip in seconds, as well as all the snide comments about female liberation and not being a stepford wife...

This is one of the nice things about having boundaries with work colleagues. As far as nights out or extra shifts, I would just say that you can't make it. Is this your boss assigning you an extra shift or a colleague wanting to trade or something? If it's the latter, I would just say you're sorry, but you have a family obligation or you already have plans with your husband. Shrug your shoulders and say, married life, what can you do! It's not uncommon for maried people to spend more time with their spouse than single people, even those with a boyfriend/girlfriend. It's important to spend time with your husband - that's an important part of marriage, right? They'll have to get over it.

p.s. - disclaimer - I'm not saying all marriages need to be the way I described above, but it's not uncommon and not limited to D/s relationships.

 

[culloden]

This is an interesting thread. It seems that people's view depends in part on where they are in life. I'm half of a kinky, monogamous, middle-aged married couple. I have no impulse or even interest in talking about my sex life (outside of the anonymity of Lit) with others, and I don't want to hear about any of my friends' sex lives either. In part, that's because my wife and are well matched and satisfied.

Now, if I were 20 and realized I was into kink, I guess I'd have to be outing myself in order to find a partner (As it happened, my wife and I got lucky and developed our kinkiness together). I can understand how folks worry about it, and resent the judgment of others.

 

[Netzach]

Kudos to you for realizing that before you ever got into a relationship like that. I'm not being sarcastic, either. If more people actually thought beyond "Ooh, two girls!" or whatever, I don't think you'd see nearly as many "bad" poly relationships.

I've dealt with this a little differently. I just do my stuff and don't *acknowledge* that there's anything going on, which is a little different from avoidant hiding.

Not living all together helps, but it's more a "let 'em wonder" mentality. If anyone's dumb enough to ask I think I'd just look at them like they're an idiot LOL.

 

[Netzach]

This is one of the nice things about having boundaries with work colleagues. As far as nights out or extra shifts, I would just say that you can't make it. Is this your boss assigning you an extra shift or a colleague wanting to trade or something? If it's the latter, I would just say you're sorry, but you have a family obligation or you already have plans with your husband. Shrug your shoulders and say, married life, what can you do! It's not uncommon for maried people to spend more time with their spouse than single people, even those with a boyfriend/girlfriend. It's important to spend time with your husband - that's an important part of marriage, right? They'll have to get over it.

p.s. - disclaimer - I'm not saying all marriages need to be the way I described above, but it's not uncommon and not limited to D/s relationships.

I agree with this totally. I probably was "really bitchy and really busy" to a lot of people I've worked with. That's fine, they're not my family. I probably should have said "I have to be home with dinner on the table" just to see the look on their faces LOL. Don't be a truth fetishist.

 

[Netzach]

What awkward situations? I don't really get into the details of the inner workings of my relationship with family or colleagues, or casual friends. I certainly don't talk about my sex life. The closest would be a situation where he has made the decision about something, and I'm not going to say, well, he has the final world. I would just say, oh, he decided that one. Or, we decided x was for the best. I just kind of skate around the issue, and really, it's not like I'm obligated to share every little thing, so it's no big deal. The other potential issue would be if we're going away for the weekend to an event. That happens rarely, but I just say we're going away just the two of us, or something like that.

"where are you going?"

"my cousin's wedding, she's marrying this total alkie, I can't STAND him, but my mother's gonna kill me if I'm not there. God, I hate Ohio." *

*involves neither cousin, alkie, wedding, nor Ohio.