BDSM and Your Non-BDSM Life

[Laurel]

If this has been asked or answered elsewhere, or if it's a dumbass question, slap me upside the head with a raw mackerel.

I've always been curious: how much does your "BDSM self" relate to your "non-BDSM self" (you as employee, daughter/son, friend, etc.)? For example, if you are a submissive, is that confined to the bedroom, or is it an extension of your personality in other aspects of your life? Or conversely, are you a managerial type in the outside world who enjoys the freedom submission offers in your private life? If you're a Dom, are you naturally assertive in your non-BDSM interactions, or are you the opposite?

 

[P. B. Walker]

I think this kinda has been answered in the "New faces" thread since most people post their preferences. For example I am a 32 year old hetero male Switch Top/Bottom, slighty sadistic, non-mascho. Which basically means, I keep my BDSM to the bedroom, and when I'm there, I can play either role. Oh and I'm straight.

I think if you go look at the introduction threads (I think we have two now) you'll see what most people do/are.

PBW

 

[A Desert Rose]

My BDSM (submissive) self is strictly in my bedroom. My bondage tastes are pretty mild, compared to some.

I manage an art department with 5 graphic artists and one typesetter. My career does not allow me to be submissive and be effective at the same time. I am also the mom of 2 and I cannot be submissive and be a good mother.

 

[zipman]

If this has been asked or answered elsewhere, or if it's a dumbass question, slap me upside the head with a raw mackerel.

I've always been curious: how much does your "BDSM self" relate to your "non-BDSM self" (you as employee, daughter/son, friend, etc.)? For example, if you are a submissive, is that confined to the bedroom, or is it an extension of your personality in other aspects of your life? Or conversely, are you a managerial type in the outside world who enjoys the freedom submission offers in your private life? If you're a Dom, are you naturally assertive in your non-BDSM interactions, or are you the opposite?

That is not a "dumbass" question. I think the answer is that it differs for each of us.

For me, BDSM, (being a Dom) is a part of my sexuality, and a large part at that. However, in my relationships, I am not a control-freak by any means. I am a very affectionate, considerate person. And at work, although an executive in corporate america, I do not rule with an iron-fist and prefer teamwork and collaboration to a "my way or the highway approach."

But I would love to hear how others answer this for themselves.

 

[artful]

If this has been asked or answered elsewhere, or if it's a dumbass question, slap me upside the head with a raw mackerel.

I've always been curious: how much does your "BDSM self" relate to your "non-BDSM self" (you as employee, daughter/son, friend, etc.)? For example, if you are a submissive, is that confined to the bedroom, or is it an extension of your personality in other aspects of your life? Or conversely, are you a managerial type in the outside world who enjoys the freedom submission offers in your private life? If you're a Dom, are you naturally assertive in your non-BDSM interactions, or are you the opposite?

Laurel,...I think there are as many answers to your questions, as there are people who participate in the world of BDSM.

It is in itself, a unique lifestyle, that MANY people live, and/or are INTERESTED, in learning MORE about their inner truths, as related to sexuality and how they wish to relate with their S/O.

BDSM relationships,...contrary to popular belief, are not so much a "groupie" thing, as they are an expression of INDIVIDUAL preferences.

(JMHO),...but it's mine,...and I own it.

 

[Ebonyfire]

me

I am a lifestyle Domme, service oriented who have male submissives who serve me in different capacities. D/s is not the focus of my sexuality. To me sex is sex.

I like my subs to serve me. Period.
Ebony

 

[MissTaken]

I am a submissive.

How does that relate to or impact my non BDSM life?

I held a job as Founder/Director of a Human Services agency. I loved finding it I loved using my creativity to start the agency. When it came to directing the damn thing, I hate it.

I simply felt like I was in someone else's skin to be in such a position of authority. That isn't to say I am not assertive. I am a very assertive lady, out of necessity.

Also, all of my non BDSM relationships have been with control freaks, including my ex husband. I long for that anchor that a Dom can provide. I need someone in my life to take care of things when I am simply not up to the challenge. In my quest for control, to "serve" and make "my man" happy, control freaks found me.

I found something about them desirable. Now, I know what it is.

 

[Desdemona]

I'm a submissive. I enjoy nurturing and caring for others both sexually and non-sexually. My natural tendancy is to avoid conflict if possible and to that end, I choose my battles. I can, however behave in an assertive manner. At work, I tend to be a bit of a control freak and I am quite able to delegate to others or to correct them if they make a mistake.

 

[morninggirl5]

The question has been asked in several different forms, i think. It's has to be one of the first questions most people think of when they try to understand BDSM.


Here's the most recent link, http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=111725


I'm feeling lazy tonight, so here's what i said in that thread.

In my everyday life, i am assertive. If i see something that needs to be done, it gets done (provided it's something i'm passionate about). I've been described several times as a natural leader.

Once someone becomes important to me, though, my submissive nature takes over. The smallest request can become a mission for me to fulfill. Hearing the pleasure in his voice that i've pleased him fills my heart to overflowing.

 

[Cirrus]

Good question. My BDSM self and my non-BDSM self couldn't be more opposite. In my non-sexual life, I a class 1 control freak. Everything I do must be perfect, and I want what I want NOW!! In my other friendships, we're equal, with me on occasion slightly dominant.

Maybe that's why, in the bedroom, I'd rather not control but submit.

 

[Lancecastor]

Hey Laurel;

First of all, thanks for taking the time to be over here; leaders have to fight fires as a matter of course, so while it's good to see you here now, I believe that all would agree that it would be great to see you pop by from time to time anyway.

Oh, btw...Raw mackerel is for the manifolds of honeymoon getaway cars; smoked makerel is the fish of choice for head upsiding, my trout.

My profile says I'm "alpha, dom", which is a fair statement about who I am as a person as opposed to sexual preference lables.

I tend not to use an upper-case "d' for that reason, as I am simply a dominant personality by nature.

As it happens, I like kinky sex, except I don't think of it as kinky and never did. I happen to be of the view that most people dig being reallly naughty with their partner, whether they actually do anything about it or not.

"Hooray hooray for the first of May; outdoor fucking starts today!"...a common chant that illustrates the normalcy of the thrill of potentially or actually being seen in the act.

"Spank you very much." (Jim Carrey) is pretty much a commonplace colloquialism; a cheeky one, but fairly common nonetheless.

In short, I believe that kink is mainstream.

As a dominant leader type personality, I live, work and am at or near the front of the pack in everything I've done for as long as I can remember.

My sex life is no different, so I exclusively date women who are submissive by nature. It works for me and it works for whoever I date.

I sometimes have difficulty accepting those here who say they are one way in their intimate lives and the other way in their work lives. I tend to challenge or at least ask what's up with that because the dichotomy strikes me as untrue to oneself. And I'm tres curious by nature as well.

Then again, what would one expect of an alpha, dom, het, wasp late boomer guy? How evolved would it be reasonably expected for me to become? Where is Dr Phil when I really need him ?

Cheers;

Lance

If this has been asked or answered elsewhere, or if it's a dumbass question, slap me upside the head with a raw mackerel.

I've always been curious: how much does your "BDSM self" relate to your "non-BDSM self" (you as employee, daughter/son, friend, etc.)? For example, if you are a submissive, is that confined to the bedroom, or is it an extension of your personality in other aspects of your life? Or conversely, are you a managerial type in the outside world who enjoys the freedom submission offers in your private life? If you're a Dom, are you naturally assertive in your non-BDSM interactions, or are you the opposite?

 

[NemoAlia]

I wonder: with all the rituals of BDSM, are BDSMers (regardless of sexual role) somehow more comfortable with/acclimated to the rules and regulations of daily life? Are we somehow more able to embrace these nuances of direction and control than if we had never had a D/s day in our lives?

Blech -- I can't find a good way of wording this question. I'd like to ask it without implying a "who's better: nillas or BDSMers?" question, but I'm just awful at it. Suggestions?

 

[artful]

Nemo

I wonder: with all the rituals of BDSM, are BDSMers (regardless of sexual role) somehow more comfortable with/acclimated to the rules and regulations of daily life? Are we somehow more able to embrace these nuances of direction and control than if we had never had a D/s day in our lives?

Blech -- I can't find a good way of wording this question. I'd like to ask it without implying a "who's better: nillas or BDSMers?" question, but I'm just awful at it. Suggestions?

At the risk of offending some people, (unintentionally), I will try to help you out. I think BDSM'ers are more AWARE of the STUCTURE of their lives than other types of relationships.

Not a day goes by, where we are not reminded of just HOW our relationship is, progressing, stagnating, growing, bonding, enjoying, building, seeking, learning, exposing, testing, shaping, etc.

Ours is a journey where we can't afford the luxury of, not paying attention to it. Our course must be charted and adjusted continuously. There is simply no room for complacency, whether we be Dom/me or sub.

I say this from a TPE, 24/7 perspective, and ones mileage may vary. I hope this is what you were referring to, and I might add,...it in no way is meant to imply that THIS type of relationship, is any better or worse than another.

(JMHO),...but it's mine,...and I own it.

 

[SexyChele]

I am a submissive, and in most areas of my life those traits are there - for those who know how to look for them. For instance, many at work think of me as being very independent and assertive, yet I am constantly being told how well I can train and work with "impossible" people. Many people don't see that it is a desire to serve coming through. Also, there are many times at work or in social situations where my submissive side will surface, yet it seems "invisible" to the casual observer.

When I am with a Dominant, I expect him to take control. He confuses me when he doesn't. I don't expect, or appreciate, a public display, but that same sort of "invisibleness" usually comes out.

Now, hopefully, this made sense to some one.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I wonder: with all the rituals of BDSM, are BDSMers (regardless of sexual role) somehow more comfortable with/acclimated to the rules and regulations of daily life? Are we somehow more able to embrace these nuances of direction and control than if we had never had a D/s day in our lives?

Blech -- I can't find a good way of wording this question. I'd like to ask it without implying a "who's better: nillas or BDSMers?" question, but I'm just awful at it. Suggestions?

BDSMers are not any better or worse that so called "vanillas". In fact I bet the bell curve is the same for both groups if someone were to waste their time studying the phenomonen.

Why? Because the majority of practicing BDSMer & D/ser keep their mouths shut and go quietly about their business. They do not go to munches, they do not scene in clubs, they do not dress in odd ways. They look like John/Jane Q. Public. So what might look like "vanilla" is kinkier than a mofo.

BTW, "vanilla" is a term that is so overused it has no meaning what so ever, in my not-so-humble opinon.

Eb

edited for typos and grammar

 

[Rubyfruit]

Great question, Laurel.

I'm most comfortable being submissive in my daily living. I've been a stay-at-home mom/wife for 7 years and before that I was a secretary, both jobs being service oriented. My s.t.b.e. husband has always managed the money, made the big decisions, etc., and I've been comfortable with that. I make living beautiful. It's my job.

This has been said before, but I feel it's worth repeating. This does not mean that I'm a doormat, as those who know me would probably agree. While I generally avoid conflict, if a subject touches me, I will speak up on it. Not only that, but I can and do advocate for my children, among other things, which puts me in the somewhat uncomfortable position of being aggressive.

 

[NemoAlia]

Good points, Ebony. You're right: my question isn't practical, and there's probably no way to answer it once and for all. I guess that's what makes it such fun speculation!

I suspect that if we really could get inside everyone's head in order to really separate the kinked from the non-kinked (assuming there was a workable set of standards for each), that we'd find BDSMers embracing a level of detail, organization, and control that we've grown to appreciate in our sexual fantasies and experiences -- whether we wield that control, or just appreciate its being wielded by somebody else.

Of course, I'm just guessing.

For me, this seems true. I'm a good leader (years as concertmaster/conductor/whatever) but usually in a service kinda way, trying to make life easier for those who come behind me. I respect discipline and focus -- things that I find, it seems, more often in the BDSM crowd than in the nilla one.

 

[lovetoread]

It seems that if I dont think about what I am doing,I will automatically "give in" to alot of things that I really should not do.

I am a very forceful person when it comes to my children.

Thats about it.

I have been a SAHM for about 14 years now.

My peeve in real life is that its very hard for me not to know what comes next.

Thats what I seek in real life. I want to know exactly what happens next.

So to wrap it up,I am this way 24/7,but that doesnt mean that I am a doormat or anything.

 

[DarkMoon]

I believe I have always had dominant traits, even in the womb. I'm very comfortable with whom and what I am, and because of that, I don't feel it necessary to "prove" my dominance over and over again. I believe that actions most certainly speak louder than words. I know that my characteristics are the same in my personal as well as professional life, both in and out of the bedroom.

While it's long been my opinion that dominance is a mental thing, I appreciate the physical side of BDSM within reason. Contrary to some dominants, I seek a submissive who is comfortable in her own right with whom she is. I like her individuality, and she must possess intellect. Only with that type mate am I happily dominant. And yes, it's that way all through my life.

DarkMoon~

 

[Parklife]

I'm a submissive and in my close personal relations with people this comes out whether it is sexual in nature or not. I don't believe it comes across as submissive in my non-sexual relationships but I think if one looks for it, it is apparent. In other areas of life i'm much more prone to be a go getter, a leader and to take conrol... This includes work, sports, etc...

Park~

 

[Ebonyfire]

speculation is good

Good points, Ebony. You're right: my question isn't practical, and there's probably no way to answer it once and for all. I guess that's what makes it such fun speculation!

I agree. I have found that there are not many people who are without kink. They usually are not open about it.

Eb

 

[perks]

Subbing, for me is for sexual purposes only, and only when I allow it.

However on occasion, I've cultivated my own subs who are available to me whenever I tell them to be, for anything, including non-sexual things.

As for the way I interact with people, I'd say I am the go to girl, if you want something done.

However, I'm not forceful, in my psychological interaction. I expect to have people choose to do things I want them to do, not force them to do them.

Choice is very important to me.

I won't ever force you to take your cock out in public, but you will want to do it, because it pleases me. Make sense?

I have this tongue in cheek statement I make all the time. "It's all about me." If people make it about me, in or out of the bedroom, there is no way they won't be happy in return.

I'm greedy.

 

[~Dream~]

out of the bedroom

I am as submissive as I am in ,I have a deep need to serve & nurture,as a single,stay at home Mom its hard on me cause I am required to be more Dominant with my children that I really like to be (bein Mom & Dad both to them).

Anyone who knows me KNOWS I love to give and I REALLY Suck at control,the only Control I am good at is controlling my bills..

 

[UCE]

I don't draw an in-the-bedroom/outside-the-bedroom line, I draw a "with my partner or pursuing sexual interests" and "not with my partner/pursuing non-sexual interests" like.

With my partner I am completely submissive. I treat everbody else non-submissively. Even a power-crazed boss simply gets the "going through the motions" hypocritical stance from me that keeps me employed. Inside my head, I consider it the height of foolishness to bow down before anybody who hasn't proved themselves my superior in terms of power. If I ever had a dominant boss (and hell is more likely to freeze over before that happens, lol) I would probably feel submissive toward them in terms of the workplace and my job there: I think it's natural for submissives to feel that way around people who exude power (real power, not institutionally-granted power) but I would not permit myself to act submissive toward him or her in any other way, even if I might really want to because this individual evoked such a strong response in me. I am very much my master's slave and pretty damn loyal, I think.

As far as the pursuing sexual interests go, I simply mean the kinds of porn that turn me on. The ones that get me hot usually have some sort of strong S&M element in them. Seven out of ten times that element is humiliation.

Unrelated picture, although it is about S&M. Warning--kind of intense:

 

[UCE]

I Forgot!

Oh, I fogot one thing: I DO submit to my cat. But then, who doesn't?

A picture of an irresistable master (not mine, so it's lucky I don't know him):