Ask the Demon

[VandalHeart]

Alright, I can't seem to get a date with my looks, my singing voice, even a bartab that busts me at the end of the night. So, I'll hide behind the computer like all the other hopeless nerds and do an advice column. It seems that I've grown tired of people telling me how to live my life so much that I'm going to tell other people how to live theirs. Good revenge, if I do say so myself. Maybe some of you will get to know me for the smart nerd I really am instead of freaking out at the mediocre looking guy with no hair who sings nice but that you'd never date. Hell, I'm not even really trying to pick up chicks, I just want to have a little fun.

SO.

Just think of this as Dear Abby, but instead it's Ask the Demon. Have fun, I'll get back to you when I can. Feel free to PM the letter to me instead of posting it here if you want to preserve your anonymity.

And before you ask, yes, I'm serious about this.

 

[chronicle_tenko]

huh. Ok I have nothing to ask yet, but hey guess that works.

Good luck man.

 

[Diamond_Girl]

Did someone say "nerd"? Nothing to ask, yet, but if I weren't taken, I could definitely tell you that your wit and intelligence would be a definite draw! Good luck!

 

[VandalHeart]

Tenk, thanks for giving a wave, I appreciate it.

Diamond, thank you as well...even though I've heard those exact words oh so many times. I do appreciate the compliment, though.

 

[asian_princess]

Dear SmartHartFart.

I have an old sandwich that is going rotten on my desk.

Should I throw it out to stop it smellifying up my office or should I just wait until it turns 18, sprouts legs and moves out to find its own place all on its own.

I fear by then, I may have become too attached to it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

- Appy.

 

[littleone77]

What do you do with someone who consistently pms you but when you attempt to respond their inbox is full...for a week?

Btw Appy in 3rd grade I kept lima beans in my desk for no reason...cooked, unate lima beans. They molded and I named 'em.

 

[asian_princess]

What do you do with someone who consistently pms you but when you attempt to respond their inbox is full...for a week?

Btw Appy in 3rd grade I kept lima beans in my desk for no reason...cooked, unate lima beans. They molded and I named 'em.

*giggles*

how many were there??

I wanna play with them! are you a grandparent yet???

btw... i wouldn't have ateded them eiver...*shudders* i scared of mushy beanses.

...oh and you answer them in public...remember to quote what they wrote you though

 

[littleone77]

*giggles*

how many were there??

I wanna play with them! are you a grandparent yet???

btw... i wouldn't have ateded them eiver...*shudders* i scared of mushy beanses.

...oh and you answer them in public...remember to quote what they wrote you though

About 6 I think *giggles* They smelled too...Got new ones every time lunch served 'em. ssssh...but I couldn't eat them either, thats why they liveds ins mes desk.

*sniff sniff sniffles* Teacher made me through 'em out though 'cause they smelled funny. Murderer!!!!!!!!!


Hmm...answer them in public? Talk of airing out the laundry *winks*

 

[asian_princess]

About 6 I think *giggles* They smelled too...Got new ones every time lunch served 'em. ssssh...but I couldn't eat them either, thats why they liveds ins mes desk.

*sniff sniff sniffles* Teacher made me through 'em out though 'cause they smelled funny. Murderer!!!!!!!!!


Hmm...answer them in public? Talk of airing out the laundry *winks*

having trouble typing for laughing maniaclyness.

Dey supposded to smell funny. Thems lima beans. They wook and taste funny too... you don't want da smell to feel left out.

I THOUGHT i saw your teacher on da Most Wanted show.... shall we go twack him/her down... maybe them the one who stole your offwines.

Oh dere's anover question.

SmartHartFart.

Where do offwines go when they get kidnapped?? is there a halfway house for them? and do they remember us where they are?? do they age and get old??

 

[Lady Reiha]

Dear Vandalaan,

If I weren't dating Mr. Chronie bum, Married to Appychan, a deviant lover to Wyldish, A obiediant kitty to Squirtum, and an evil apprentice to Caddlebear, I would totally date you : )


*ahem* My question is:




How do you get an appypoo to stay on lit forever?

 

[asian_princess]

Dear Vandalaan,

If I weren't dating Mr. Chronie bum, Married to Appychan, a deviant lover to Wyldish, A obiediant kitty to Squirtum, and an evil apprentice to Caddlebear, I would totally date you : )

*ahem* My question is:
How do you get an appypoo to stay on lit forever?

*sneaks out of my hiding place and pounces on wifey*

bait her with a reirei-snuggle!!!!!!!!!!

*pulls you into my lap and feed you little cheesenips shaped like snakes and caddlebears*

 

[Lady Reiha]

*sneaks out of my hiding place and pounces on wifey*

bait her with a reirei-snuggle!!!!!!!!!!

*pulls you into my lap and feed you little cheesenips shaped like snakes and caddlebears*

YAY!



Appy- meet me in the nerd thread. I'm tormenting Chronie

 

[Daizie]

I don't think anyone is taking this thread seriously!!

Here is my question.

Will it rain tomorrow?

*Shakes the monitor* Oh wait, this isn't the Magic 8 ball? Damn!!!!!

 

[asian_princess]

I don't think anyone is taking this thread seriously!!

Here is my question.

Will it rain tomorrow?

*Shakes the monitor* Oh wait, this isn't the Magic 8 ball? Damn!!!!!

*giggles, watching missydaiziesexybum shake all around*



Dear SmartHartFart.

Why does MissyDaizieSexyBum always have the HOTTESTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT AVs?!!
And will she do me the honour of doing a wiggledance with me tonight??

 

[VandalHeart]

Dear SmartHartFart.

I have an old sandwich that is going rotten on my desk.

Should I throw it out to stop it smellifying up my office or should I just wait until it turns 18, sprouts legs and moves out to find its own place all on its own.

I fear by then, I may have become too attached to it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

- Appy.

There's a problem with letting food set like that, and it's not just the smell.

When it turns 18, it likely would have already sprouted legs, but it's not going to be the errant child scenario that you're imagining. What it WILL do is go to the United Nations, apply for recognition as a sentient species, demand it's own country, get denied these things, get pissed, start a war, destroy the planet, sell the movie rights to Fox in an alternate reality, make a fortune and go live in that reality's Beverly Hills, which, by the way, is called Fayetteville (alternate realities SUCK).

Get rid of the sandwich, Appy. Do it for the good of mankind.

 

[VandalHeart]

What do you do with someone who consistently pms you but when you attempt to respond their inbox is full...for a week?

Btw Appy in 3rd grade I kept lima beans in my desk for no reason...cooked, unate lima beans. They molded and I named 'em.

I'm going to start by saying that I completely understand about the lima beans. I'm the same way with my automotive transportation (yes, I mean naming and the mold growing on them because of neglect).

As for the pm box issue. It took me a moment to realize that YOU aren't the one witht the full inbox. That's annoying of this person. This is what I originally wrote when I was mistaken that you were the overflower. Feel free to foreward this to him/her somehow.

Here are your options:

1. Log on at least once a day to check the inbox. This may be slightly problematic because A.) you get sucked into the internet like me or B.) you don't have a connection at home.

2. Tell the person(s) to chill the fuck out and if they haven't heard back from you they don't need to write. The only problem with this idea is if a pm gets lost somehow. I had to abandon this policy when dealing with MySpace because the MySpace server was eating messages if it got a little rumbly in it's tumbly (why I chose to make a Winnie the Shit reference, I will never know...stupid fucking bear). However, in all my years on Lit, this has never happened...to me...that I know of. The point is, if you decide to do it this way, have a contingency planned, such as "If you haven't heard back from me within the week, please don't send me a message." Something to keep the repeaters (people who keep sending messages to you even when you haven't gotten a chance to read the first one they sent) at bay.

3. Block the person in question. I'm not going to explain this because I'm assuming you have the sense that the gods gave little green apples and if you really didn't want to talk to the person, you would have done this by now...although now that I think about it, I don't even know how to do that since I HATE blocking people. It just seems wasteful. Never close yourself off from anything, I always say, especially someone's stupidity. The reason for this is simple: everyone needs comedy, and when it's volunteered so freely, why push it away? Basically, ignore this suggestion, because blocking people is absolutely one of those last resort options.

4. Sell/destroy/convert into a planter/give away your computer. See last option for details. Just replace the words "block the person" with "get rid of computer" and it should work just fine. And yes, that means I don't know how to get rid of a computer. The one I'm using currently isn't surgically grafted to me though...yet.

5. Copy/paste the body of a pm or two into a word processing file and delete the original so that you can send messages. Plain and simple.

6. Uncheck the box at the bottom of the send private message options that determines whether or not you keep a copy of the one you're sending. It will go through if you do that. I had this problem recently myself, and it worked just fine.

7. When you get to around 100 messages, you seriously need to do some spring cleaning on your pm inbox. Our fellow Lit members with OCD are currently screaming at us things like "FOR SHAME!!!" and "How can you hold on to that crap anyways?!?" They don't get it, and we don't have to hear them, but let's try not to cause them a heart attack.

Now, I realize at this point that this isn't that answer you were looking for, and even some of that isn't going to make any sense if you foreward it to the person in question. So, let me try this again.

1. Try contacting the person by some other method. If they haven't given you any contact information, look at their Lit profile, because they may have listed an ICQ, YIM, MSN Messenger, or IRC contact point. Give it a whirl, but keep in mind that it's not always up to date (just try contacting me on the MSN addy I have showing on mine, for instance).

2. Take Appy's suggestion and send them a "Hey, genius, clean out your inbox" message on a public thread. My suggestion says nothing about how kind or rude you should be, so that part is up to you.

On a seperate note, this behavior implies one of two things to me, at least in the immediate sense. Keep in mind that I have been wrong before, and both of these observations could be utterly wrong now.

A. He/she is a technotard (it's a hybrid word, just think about it for a second). you may need to do some explaining about how the interweb works and catch said person up on what science has given us since the vacume tube.

B. This person is absent-minded in a way that borders on a gross lack of consideration. You should give serious consideration to getting offended, and I do mean it when I say that you should give SERIOUS CONSIDERATION to it, not just go and do it.

Hope this helped.

 

[VandalHeart]

having trouble typing for laughing maniaclyness.

Dey supposded to smell funny. Thems lima beans. They wook and taste funny too... you don't want da smell to feel left out.

I THOUGHT i saw your teacher on da Most Wanted show.... shall we go twack him/her down... maybe them the one who stole your offwines.

Oh dere's anover question.

SmartHartFart.

Where do offwines go when they get kidnapped?? is there a halfway house for them? and do they remember us where they are?? do they age and get old??

Appy, I mean this in the kindest way. I just want you to know that.

What in the name of Sweet Zombie Jesus is an offwine?

 

[VandalHeart]

Dear Vandalaan,

If I weren't dating Mr. Chronie bum, Married to Appychan, a deviant lover to Wyldish, A obiediant kitty to Squirtum, and an evil apprentice to Caddlebear, I would totally date you : )


*ahem* My question is:




How do you get an appypoo to stay on lit forever?

Suggested reading for your problem:

Neuromancer by William Gibson

In fact, and book by William Gibson

The Changeling Plague by Syne Mitchell

Any book concerning Deckers in the Shadowrun universe.

Any book declaring itself "Cyberpunk."

Get a lod of these books, and take the concepts mentioned there to a heavilly funded lab to make those fictions a reality. Just remember a few things:

1. Detachment from meatlife and netlife can cause a few interesting mental problems, and Appy doesn't need any more of those.

2. She does need to unplug every once in a while so that she can eat, otherwise her tummy will quit working. There are muscles in there that need just as much excercise as the rest of the body, we just don't notice because we seldom stop...well...eating.

3. DO NOT INTEGRATE HER WITH, COPY HER PERSONALITY INTO, OR OTHER WISE TRANSFER HER CONSCIOUSNESS INTO AN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE. This is just like that "Evil Overlord Tip" about turning into a snake: it never helps.

Other than that, have fun...just tell me this...are you sure you want her online all the time? I mean, won't it be hard to adequately fondle her if she's up against a computer all the time?

 

[VandalHeart]

bait her with a reirei-snuggle!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, baiting her with reirei-snuggle seems to help as well.

 

[VandalHeart]

I don't think anyone is taking this thread seriously!!

Here is my question.

Will it rain tomorrow?

*Shakes the monitor* Oh wait, this isn't the Magic 8 ball? Damn!!!!!

No matter when you read this, the answer is yes. It is going to rain tomorrow.

Now, slap your forehead as you realize that you didn't ask me where it would rain tomorrow.

 

[VandalHeart]

*giggles, watching missydaiziesexybum shake all around*



Dear SmartHartFart.

Why does MissyDaizieSexyBum always have the HOTTESTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT AVs?!!
And will she do me the honour of doing a wiggledance with me tonight??

The answer to both of your questions is one and the same:

I have no clue, you're just going to have to ask her.

However, Daizie, if you could be so kind as to put the answer to that first one on here, I'd very much appreciate it, because that is an incredibly attractive AV.

 

[Lady Reiha]

Suggested reading for your problem:

Neuromancer by William Gibson

In fact, and book by William Gibson

The Changeling Plague by Syne Mitchell

Any book concerning Deckers in the Shadowrun universe.

Any book declaring itself "Cyberpunk."

Get a lod of these books, and take the concepts mentioned there to a heavilly funded lab to make those fictions a reality. Just remember a few things:

1. Detachment from meatlife and netlife can cause a few interesting mental problems, and Appy doesn't need any more of those.

2. She does need to unplug every once in a while so that she can eat, otherwise her tummy will quit working. There are muscles in there that need just as much excercise as the rest of the body, we just don't notice because we seldom stop...well...eating.

3. DO NOT INTEGRATE HER WITH, COPY HER PERSONALITY INTO, OR OTHER WISE TRANSFER HER CONSCIOUSNESS INTO AN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE. This is just like that "Evil Overlord Tip" about turning into a snake: it never helps.

Other than that, have fun...just tell me this...are you sure you want her online all the time? I mean, won't it be hard to adequately fondle her if she's up against a computer all the time?

You are very wise Vandy poo. Now if only I could read

 

[VandalHeart]

You are very wise Vandy poo. Now if only I could read

Sorry, I keep forgetting about that. Getting someone else to read them for you works just as well. Remember that I do not condone the exchange of sexual favors for this sort of thing...I don't disapprove, either, though...I'm just covering my ass.

 

[asian_princess]

Sorry, I keep forgetting about that. Getting someone else to read them for you works just as well. Remember that I do not condone the exchange of sexual favors for this sort of thing...I don't disapprove, either, though...I'm just covering my ass.

Hard to fulfill those sexual favours if you insist on covering your ass though.

 

[asian_princess]

There's a problem with letting food set like that, and it's not just the smell.

When it turns 18, it likely would have already sprouted legs, but it's not going to be the errant child scenario that you're imagining. What it WILL do is go to the United Nations, apply for recognition as a sentient species, demand it's own country, get denied these things, get pissed, start a war, destroy the planet, sell the movie rights to Fox in an alternate reality, make a fortune and go live in that reality's Beverly Hills, which, by the way, is called Fayetteville (alternate realities SUCK).

Get rid of the sandwich, Appy. Do it for the good of mankind.

Dear SmartHartFart.

Thank you for your advice.

As per your direction, I packed the offending rotting lunch snack into a plastic bag and flung her (gender assignment, only one step below naming it) atop the steaming rubbish pile.

I must've underestimated how long Sandwich had been squatting at my office however, as it seems limb formation had already occured. Sandwich hot-tailed herself to the local welfare office and now I'm being sued for neglect of a dependent.

Please advise on following steps to take.

xo