Anything I can help you with?

[Krinaia]

So I(as some of you may know) have recently been visiting stores in search for materials for kinky experimentation... which can as many of us know, can be a fun, tantalizing experience... it can also be a little embarassing and sometimes frustrating.

Here's why. Sometimes, you need help finding an item. Or knowing what to do with an item once you have it... and when you're standing there looking perplexed by a wall of rope, or screws, or pvc, a clerk may ask you, "Is there anything I can help you with?" This is easy enough, "Yes, where is your rope?"

This, might inevitably be followed by, "What do you need the rope for?"

Some of you might say, "I want something strong yet soft so that my boyfriend can tie me to our four-poster bed while he beats me witha flogger. What do you suggest?" More likely though, you might momentarily be flustered or make a lame excuse.


I opt for the lame excuse route... however, my lame excuses are lame to the max... so this time, I thought I'd prepare my answers ahead of time... anyone have any suggestions... and let your perverted minds flow... think of any and all the non-kinky products I might be studying in the aisles of lowes, home depot, wal-mart, etc.



I look forward to the kinky and hilarious array of your comments.

 

[Krinaia]

Ooo... I just came up with my own first response.


Yes, my work is going to have a picnic and we're going to have a big tug of war contest. I want a rope that won't stretch but won't burn too badly someone's hands or legs if they pull in with bare skin... or get nylon splinters in their hands.

Or... my sororiety, or a group of us girls, etc.... perhaps mention a mudpit to see how the rope my stand up to moisture.

 

[tealsphynx]

<for the case of looking for horse tack> I'm not really sure what I'm looking at here. You see a friend of mine has horses and I wanted to get her a really nice set of something that fits arount the (point to desired part of body where the harness or whatever will go) of the horse. It's her birthday and I wanted to get her something nice, but not too expensive for her horse.

 

[tealsphynx]

(for rope) Yes, my son/nephew ect. is in boyscouts and they're doing a badge camping trippy thingy. There will be a reppeling wall and I was asked to supply some rope and clips and things. There will be older boys and scout leaders taht will be repelling as well, so I need ropes and clips and stuff that will hold up to 250lb. Could you help me find one that's not too rough, but is nice and strong?

 

[bush59]

Totally off topic.......just visited your Ice Dick thread....for want of a better word.

I like your inventiveness....full marks for that....but two questions,expect they were asked somewhere in that long thread....but.

First..why didn't you buy an Ice Pole (UK) Popsicle (USA)?
And was it worth it?

 

[Krinaia]

Totally off topic.......just visited your Ice Dick thread....for want of a better word.

I like your inventiveness....full marks for that....but two questions,expect they were asked somewhere in that long thread....but.

First..why didn't you buy an Ice Pole (UK) Popsicle (USA)?
And was it worth it?

Well, if you read the thread... you'll find that popsicle molds don't offer the handle opportunities/capablitilies I'm hoping to acheive and I have concerns about the way popcicles commonly break - only having it happen inside of a pussy (by the time it makes it's way down there) - this, if you read my tips on hypothermia - has the potential to be dangerous. As a designer (read architect), I also find it gratifiying to design and personalize such things... I will probably eventually try popcicle molds just as a case study, only haven't shopped for them yet.

And yes, it is very worth it But I, in general, like temperature play.

P.s. I day Ice-do (like Dildo but Ice-do) Dick is a word for frat boys when they are annoyed with eac other and Ice-Cock sounds like the name of a really fabulously bad superhero.

 

[Krinaia]

(for rope) Yes, my son/nephew ect. is in boyscouts and they're doing a badge camping trippy thingy. There will be a reppeling wall and I was asked to supply some rope and clips and things. There will be older boys and scout leaders taht will be repelling as well, so I need ropes and clips and stuff that will hold up to 250lb. Could you help me find one that's not too rough, but is nice and strong?

I don't have kids. Nor do I look old enough to have a boy scout who is old enough for wall repelling. But this is excellent.

 

[Haku_Z]

Totally off topic.......just visited your Ice Dick thread....for want of a better word.

I like your inventiveness....full marks for that....but two questions,expect they were asked somewhere in that long thread....but.

First..why didn't you buy an Ice Pole (UK) Popsicle (USA)?
And was it worth it?

She's the kinky BDSM femme macgyver... and it's more satisfying to create it by means of ingenuity. Well, my take on it.

(obtaining rope) "You see, it's my ultimate dream to be a cowboy one day. I know they make ropes especially for lasso, but I like to start off generic. You see, when I wanted to build up a rugged 'cowboy' physique, the only work my father gave me was to wash the dishes. Hard to do farm work when you live in the suburbs. But anyhow, because of years of dish washing, my hands have gotten pretty soft and tender. And in turn, I need some rope that's pretty soft and tender, you know, to eventually work up to much harder rope."

 

[Krinaia]

She's the kinky BDSM femme macgyver... and it's more satisfying to create it by means of ingenuity. Well, my take on it.

(obtaining rope) "You see, it's my ultimate dream to be a cowboy one day. I know they make ropes especially for lasso, but I like to start off generic. You see, when I wanted to build up a rugged 'cowboy' physique, the only work my father gave me was to wash the dishes. Hard to do farm work when you live in the suburbs. But anyhow, because of years of dish washing, my hands have gotten pretty soft and tender. And in turn, I need some rope that's pretty soft and tender, you know, to eventually work up to much harder rope."

If I want to use this explanation, should I wear a bandana and boots with spurs?

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Haku_Z]

If I want to use this explanation, should I wear a bandana and boots with spurs?

naw, you don't want to scare any associate away... perhaps boots alone could work.

 

[Rattlesnake1775]

Semi on topic...

So I had a close friend in college whose birthday was approaching. I asked the young lady what she would like as a gift, and as a sort of dare she responded, "midget porn."

I attended college in the so called "buckle of the bible belt," so finding midget porn was no small task. However, the future wife and I were not to be detered. But you will not believe the looks you get when a black guy and a white girl walk into a porn store, straight to the counter, and ask "you guys got any midget porn?"

Anyways, that tack did not work. Maybe the thought we were going to rob them of their midget stocks? Anyways, we became more sublte after a half dozen porn stores, and we would kind of look around, maybe pick up a dildo or two, until the helpful help would ask..."can I help you with anything?"

"Yeah, actually...got any midget porn?" The guy that ended up selling it to us looked so uncomfortable, I thought he needed a hug.

 

[bush59]

As someone who spent many hours carving and sanding and french polishing (not Varnishing) then waxing ....when I say hours I mean hours........ forming and smoothing till it was just righ.......... a wooden dildo............for the lady of my dreams....later to be my nightmare......I shouldn't say too much.
Double ended and majestic it was....have wondered since...it was long ago....if the working on it .....was a bit too introverted....an extension of myself? Phsychologists would be happy to investigate my endeavours i expect....all that sanding ...rubbing.....

 

[Krinaia]

As someone who spent many hours carving and sanding and french polishing (not Varnishing) then waxing ....when I say hours I mean hours........ forming and smoothing till it was just righ.......... a wooden dildo............for the lady of my dreams....later to be my nightmare......I shouldn't say too much.
Double ended and majestic it was....have wondered since...it was long ago....if the working on it .....was a bit too introverted....an extension of myself? Phsychologists would be happy to investigate my endeavours i expect....all that sanding ...rubbing.....

I wish I had your skills.... I can't help but wonder if I drew up some plans you could model my ideas for me and post your findings on my ice-do thread

 

[bush59]

Half a dozen porn stores in the buckle of the bible belt?

How many in the crotch?

 

[Haku_Z]

As someone who spent many hours carving and sanding and french polishing (not Varnishing) then waxing ....when I say hours I mean hours........ forming and smoothing till it was just righ.......... a wooden dildo............for the lady of my dreams....later to be my nightmare......I shouldn't say too much.
Double ended and majestic it was....have wondered since...it was long ago....if the working on it .....was a bit too introverted....an extension of myself? Phsychologists would be happy to investigate my endeavours i expect....all that sanding ...rubbing.....

haha... a life-size replica?

 

[bush59]

You have plans?
As in drawings?
At least my efforts were done as an artistic expression...dont think I got that deep.

I am working on your project as I speak/type......very interesting problem....to form a penis sized rounded ended ice object....mmmmmm
Condoms is not the way I would have gone.....waxed cardboard tubes?

Got you thinking now haven't I?

 

[bush59]

haha... a life-size replica?

OK I was boasting.....perhaps a tad larger .......she enjoyed it....wheres them phsychologists?

 

[Tele2047]

I take pleasure in embarassing people by telling them the true intent of my purchase.

 

[Krinaia]

You have plans?
As in drawings?
At least my efforts were done as an artistic expression...dont think I got that deep.

I am working on your project as I speak/type......very interesting problem....to form a penis sized rounded ended ice object....mmmmmm
Condoms is not the way I would have gone.....waxed cardboard tubes?

Got you thinking now haven't I?

Condoms work well because they are easily peeled away from the ice and form a shape that HAS ALREADY BEEN DESIGNED to be inserted into a vagina.

and, we might move this discussion onto the proper thread but.... but I could easily make up plans for you. I currently don't have sketches.

 

[graceanne]

Why not have some fun and tell them the truth? Or you could hve more fun and tell them a partial truth.

"My wife's been a bitch today, so I'm gonna tie her to the bed and beat her ass till it's black and blue, then fuck her raw. Of course she's gonna struggle, and I don't want to have to explain all this to and ER doctor, so I want rope that won't cut into her hands or cut of the circulation. Do you have anything like that?"

 

[DVS]

naw, you don't want to scare any associate away... perhaps boots alone could work.

Some chew in your cheek would be a nice touch, too.

 

[Krinaia]

Some chew in your cheek would be a nice touch, too.

<scoldingly> DVS, would I put something nasty in my mouth?

 

[DVS]

<scoldingly> DVS, would I put something nasty in my mouth?

I know I wouldn't put that shit in my mouth, but if you were truly looking to act the part of an authentic cowboy...concessions must be made.

 

[DVS]

You-
After being approached by a store associate...
Yes, I was just looking at all of the different types of chain that are available. I'm looking for something that has a strong look to it, and the welds aren't rough, but nice and smooth. In fact, it would be nice if the chain had a shine to it, almost like chrome.

Associate-
Walking up to the different types of chain that are on display...
Well, we have several different chains that might fit your needs, and they come in several different sizes. What exactly is your intended use for this chain? I can better help you, I think, if I had an idea of that.

You-
Oh, it's going to be more of a decorative use, really. I'm not going to be pulling any weight or anything. I'm part of an acting troupe in the area and it's going to be part of a set we're making for a play. The scene calls for a suspension bridge to be in the distance. Instead of trying to paint something to look three dimensional, we're going to try making a bridge to scale, using things to simulate the real thing. Obviously, we're going to use cardboard and plywood for a lot of it, but nothing really looks like chain, except chain. And, because it's going to be on stage, we thought it should look nice and shiny, and reflect the stage lights.

Associate-
Oh, I see. Well, I think we have several chrome plated chains to choose from. (pointing to several choices of size) How large do you think you're going to need?

You-
Oh that's hard to say. I'm going to have to eyeball it, I guess and hope for the best. Too large, and the effect won't look real...and too small won't work, either. Let me think on it a sec..let's go with this one, here.

Associate-
OK. How much do you need and how would you need it cut?

You-
Oh gosh, I didn't think that far ahead. You'll cut it for us, too?

Associate-
Sure. Whatever you want.

You-
Great. Let's see...we've got eight of those posts and it's going to go to and from the posts...what lengths does it come in?

Associate-
Ten, twenty five, and fifty foot lengths.

You-
OK, let me think a minute, here. Eight posts...one...two...that would be four...to stay true to the scale, it will need to be cut longer on the closer end of the bridge, and each section would be a little shorter, as it goes into the distance.

Associate-
I see, um hum.

You-
So, I think maybe...I don't know...I think fifty feet is just too much. Maybe a twenty-foot section and a ten-foot section cut into lengths will do.

Associate-
OK. How long do you want your sections to be?

From this point on, all you need to know is what lengths you want your chain to be and the associate will cut them for you. Obviously, you can alter your story to fit the amount of chain you are looking for. Any length and size you pick would fit the story, because only you can "see" what you want to replicate.

And, if you want any connectors, you can incorporate them into your bridge story, too. Maybe you would prefer to say your kid is studying suspension bridges in school and he wants to build one and take it to school for show and tell. Being the dad you are, you think this would be a good father/son project and decide to help him with it.

And, if you don't want to use such an elaborate story, maybe you are helping a friend who is opening a restaurant and he needs you to make one of those chain walkways to guide guests from the door through a designated walk path. You could say someone else is in charge of getting the posts, but you are to get the chain that connects them. And, a nice shiny chain is the preferred type.

Of course, these are a little elaborate for some people's imagination, but I think you get the idea. The key is to plan your story ahead of time, and make it fit what you need. The abstract is always good, because you can explain it to the associate all you want. He won't be able to "see" it like you can. And, you see it any way you want it to be seen.

Then again, you can just go into the store with the exact chain you want in mind and the lengths you want it cut into. But, that wouldn't be any fun.