Another Saturday

[PacificBlue]

I want to go out. I'm not ready to go out. It has only been 4 days back on medication and I'm still washing way to much, the panic attacks still come, and my emotions are not my own. It will take 2-4 weeks to see an improvement. I should be thankful that science has come up with medications that can help me but I'm sad that it has gotten this far.

 

[StondTmplPilot]

I feel for you....good luck. I hope that it takes less than 2 weeks for improvement. Hang in there. *hugggggggggs*

 

[Elizabeth]

If you aren't ready, then you aren't ready. Do this at your own pace. Hugs to you.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

PacificBlue I know what panic attacks are like.... real scary at times.... Just relax honey and take deep breaths... in time they will go away and all will return to normal..... trust me hugs

 

[PacificBlue]

I've done this before. I've pushed myself past my fears and gone out but sometimes the worry and panic that comes later is just not worth it. I wish I knew why this happened to me. My Dr. says we may never know for sure what the exact cause was that the best thing I can do is keep moving forward. I've only been like this for two years.

I'm having a difficult time believing that I will ever find someone to love now. They would be signing up for a lot. I feel broken. Because I will need medication indefinately, quite possibly for the rest of my life, I cannot have children. The medications cause major birth defects.

 

[fallon2]

Remember

Try to remember to take every day one day ata time and make today a better day than yesterday. Try to hang in there and remember you have FRIENDS.

 

[Guest]

I've done this before. I've pushed myself past my fears and gone out but sometimes the worry and panic that comes later is just not worth it. I wish I knew why this happened to me. My Dr. says we may never know for sure what the exact cause was that the best thing I can do is keep moving forward. I've only been like this for two years.

I'm having a difficult time believing that I will ever find someone to love now. They would be signing up for a lot. I feel broken. Because I will need medication indefinately, quite possibly for the rest of my life, I cannot have children. The medications cause major birth defects.

PacificBlue,

There is someone out there for you regardless of the fears you carry around with you. A relative in my family is married to the most wonderful woman who is on medication for clinical depression as well as panic attacks. They have been married for almost 5 years now. He knew about her condition right from the start and yet it meant nothing to him. He loves her just the same with it as without it. They are a joy to be around.

To the right man, and we all share in this, nothing will stand in the way of love.

Keep your chin held high and don't look back.

Enchanted

 

[PacificBlue]

That's just it. I don't have friends anymore. When I first got sick, I was scared because I didn't know what was happening. I was embarassed and ashamed. I can't say that those feelings have changed a whole lot. I distanced myself because I couldn't go out. How do you hide having to wash your hands? How do you hide a panick attack? You don't. I don't want people to look at me like I'm crazy...I do a good enough job making myself feel bad as it is.

Most of my "friends" are online. People I've never met, never seen face-to-face. Even then I wonder if I'm asking to much when the questions I ask sometimes are so repetitive, it must be annoying. I annoy me on bad days. It's a horrible feeling to be aware enough to realize what's going on isn't normal (needing to wash the hallway for the 5th time in one night) and not be able to stop because your brain keeps firing off the wrong message.

 

[cymbidia]

In August 1999, my daughter was admitted into the hospital,into the pediatric intensive care unit, dying of complications from advanced anorexia. Her docs told us that she had about a week to live. She was in intensive care for three weeks, then the regular pediatric ward for two more weeks.

Then she was released. She began 6th grade with her feeding tube in place, the pump thumping away in a backpack she had to wear on her back all the time, and everything really got hard for all of us.

I cannot tell you how many times i stood in front of a mirror with her, or held her in my arms, or looked up at her on the stairs when she wouldn't let me get close, while she raged or wept or begged or shouted about being fat, about how her dad and i and her docs and counselors were lying to her about being too skinny and all anyone wanted to make her fat.

This from a child that had come a few breaths from dying for lack of food.

In the end, very slowly, with therapy and our support and some medication for awhile, she got better. Today she's in charge of her own eating and, though i'll never not freeze inside when she says off-handedly that she's not hungry and doesn't want dinner, i trust her to make good food choices.

PB? I knew nothing about anorexia before i had to, much like your friends and family probably don't know much about OCD. Ignorance is the deal killer in all of this, darlin'. If you *can* be open with them, they *can* give you strength when you need it. You only have to trust that it will be so.

I hear and see and recognize the panic in your words. Like the times i stood in front of the mirror with my skeletal child and had her scream at me cuz she was fat and i was lying to her about it, your pain crushes my heart.

But here's a truth: the dark despair of having your emotions and perceptions of reality so far out of whack won't last forever.

Trust your docs.
Trust your meds.
Trust the process you're engaged in.
Trust your own deep need to rid yourself of this.

It'll be better.
Not soon, but it will.
~hugs~

 

[JennyOmanHill]

...
Trust your docs.
Trust your meds.
Trust the process you're engaged in.
Trust your own deep need to rid yourself of this.
It'll be better.
Not soon, but it will.
~hugs~

I have been treated the last several years for anxiety and panic attacks which had kept me isolated and full of doubts of my sanity and my worthiness.

It does take time, and you ARE getting treatment. It took almost a month for my meds to take effect for me, and I now recognize the difference in myself, even though I still have a way to go.

I have been blessed with several close friends, and it's been hard for them to see the worst of my panic: all the plans that fell through because of my condition; all the tears and the anger. I have lost some friends along this journey, and I miss them, but I have gained much more than I lost as I have taken back control of my life and happiness. I have even found LOVE with a man who fell in love with the real me; this is something I was hiding during those initial years of fighting this disease.

My thoughts and wishes go with you. Hang in there, and I promise in just a few weeks, you will feel much better about yourself and life in general. I have a friend with OCD, and recognizing your condition is the hardest and bravest step you have already undertaken. It will be easier as time moves on. All the best.

 

[Jacqline]

Everyone ahead of me has given you good advice so I am just going to send you my positive, healing energy, and many good thoughts. There are a lot of people in your corner.....

 

[Mr. Bootie]

Hey PB? Those of us that are your friends.

That's just it. I don't have friends anymore. When I first got sick, I was scared because I didn't know what was happening. I was embarassed and ashamed. I can't say that those feelings have changed a whole lot. I distanced myself because I couldn't go out. How do you hide having to wash your hands? How do you hide a panick attack? You don't. I don't want people to look at me like I'm crazy...I do a good enough job making myself feel bad as it is.

Most of my "friends" are online. People I've never met, never seen face-to-face. Even then I wonder if I'm asking to much when the questions I ask sometimes are so repetitive, it must be annoying. I annoy me on bad days. It's a horrible feeling to be aware enough to realize what's going on isn't normal (needing to wash the hallway for the 5th time in one night) and not be able to stop because your brain keeps firing off the wrong message.

Are your friends. We do not get annoyed to easily. What does bother us .......ahem.........me, is when you suffer in silence. Thier are too many of us that care about you for you not to reach out to. So, Reach out PB. I'm sure one of us will be around. If not email, or PM. We will get back to you.

Yes, I couldn't put it any better than Enchanted. Great post Enchanted, Cym, Fallon 2, STP, Elizabeth, and TH.

Did I miss anyone? lol I tried not to.




kgboot

 

[celiaKitten]

Pacific..

I've never talked to you much, but I know exactly where you are and how you're feeling - I suffer from parinoa and panic attacks as well. If you want a sympathetic ear .. I hereby offer one. It sucks, but the meds do help ... it's the waiting, finding the right medications, more waiting ... blugh.

I'm here if you need! There's light at the end of the tunnel - really there is.

 

[MizTabby]

Pacific Blue

I read your post and your words have touched me so much.
I know nothing about what you experience, except from what I've now read, but I just hope and pray that you can feel better as soon as it could possibly happen for you and I also wish that it can be comforting to you to see all the support you're receiving from your friends here. And as long as the meds are helping, I'm sure your life can come together again. Take care now

 

[PacificBlue]

Thank you for all the responses. Today has not been a good day. It started out well and then took a dive. I did finally try to go out. I ended up at my parents. My Mother said she'd go with me to my favorite store but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, I wanted to so badly. Maybe tomorrow I will try again. Right now I'm focusing on not going downstairs to wash the door handles or floor. Everyday I swallow my pills and I wait. I feel crazy.

 

[Bigdog]

Re: Hey PB? Those of us that are your friends.

Are your friends. We do not get annoyed to easily. What does bother us .......ahem.........me, is when you suffer in silence. Thier are too many of us that care about you for you not to reach out to. So, Reach out PB. I'm sure one of us will be around. If not email, or PM. We will get back to you.

My sentiments exactly. If you reach out we will be there. Personally I don't know much about OCD but panic attacks are my forte. You have nothing to be embarrased about around here but use the PM route if you prefer. Take advantage of all the wonderful compassionate people that frequent this board.

We care for you whether you like it or not.

 

[Mr. Bootie]

(((((( HUGS ))))))))) ((((((( HUGS ))))))))

kgboot

 

[PacificBlue]

Re: (((((( HUGS ))))))))) ((((((( HUGS ))))))))

kgboot

{{{{{{{Hugging KGBOOT Back Tightly}}}}}}}}

 

[Guest]

Everyone ahead of me has given you good advice so I am just going to send you my positive, healing energy, and many good thoughts. There are a lot of people in your corner.....

Ditto for me, PacificBlue.

I'll be lighting a candle for you in hopes of many healing blessings to be sent your way.

 

[PacificBlue]

Thank you I appreciate it.

 

[Guest]

You people on this site need to find a life!

 

[Lasz]

OK and you are fucking sitting here telling us at 2am on a Saturday night that we need to find a life? Look at your self you damn loser. I went out and had fun and this is my relaxing at the end of the night. You spend your weekend making fun of people that you wish you were! While you were Having fun playing Dungeons and Dragons tonight troll, I was dancing with some women.

 

[PacificBlue]

You people on this site need to find a life!

*erased* *lack of good judgement on my part*

Going to bed.