Amf

[sack]

From one gay man to another......

I had to do this once, when my boyfriend gradually became a druggie, and this is what happened exactly:

1. I told my bf I wanted to make more room and put some things I don't use into storage.....than packed day to day items around those things so that it was barely noticable what was happening.

2. I had my friends come to my house under the pretense of "helping me move the boxes to the storage area."

3. WITH MY FRIENDS THERE (protection!), I made a short statement to the effect I needed some time to myself, to sort things out. and that I was unable to make good decisions, so needed my friends to help me. I put everything in terms of my own problems, and encourage you to do the same. You don't want an angry alcoholic doing something he'll regret later. Then, I left very quickly and said I would call when I felt better. I really did call, but he was gone. Last I heard, he had moved 200 miles away and was living with other friends also on drugs.


Anyway, a RELATIVELY smooth experience for me, let me know how it works out and I'll keep you in my prayers.


Best, Sack

 

[AchtungNight]

You're in my prayers too.

- AN

 

[wazhazhe]

... he still thinks he doesn't have a problem. Or if he does, that it isn't his fault.

This sounds just like my ex-wife. I stayed about a year trying to deal with the drinking but in the end, nothing changed. Best of luck to you.

 

[Guest]

I hope good things for you, carson.

 

[carsonshepherd]

I had to do this once, when my boyfriend gradually became a druggie, and this is what happened exactly:

1. I told my bf I wanted to make more room and put some things I don't use into storage.....than packed day to day items around those things so that it was barely noticable what was happening.

2. I had my friends come to my house under the pretense of "helping me move the boxes to the storage area."

3. WITH MY FRIENDS THERE (protection!), I made a short statement to the effect I needed some time to myself, to sort things out. and that I was unable to make good decisions, so needed my friends to help me. I put everything in terms of my own problems, and encourage you to do the same. You don't want an angry alcoholic doing something he'll regret later. Then, I left very quickly and said I would call when I felt better. I really did call, but he was gone. Last I heard, he had moved 200 miles away and was living with other friends also on drugs.


Anyway, a RELATIVELY smooth experience for me, let me know how it works out and I'll keep you in my prayers.

I'm glad you got away - I am probably going to wait until my reinforcements come before I tell him. You think you know people, but really, you don't... you never know what someone will do.

 

[Guest]

 

[carsonshepherd]

*big giant hugs* carson.

That sounds like the best and safest way to do it.

And if you have to leave in a hurry, I'll send socks for you and pig ears for the woofies.

It's hard to leave in a hurry with three dogs. Having a plan is so much better.

 

[NoJo]

It's hard to leave in a hurry with three dogs. Having a plan is so much better.

Surely the dogs are old enough to help with the packing. You've been spoiling them, haven't you?

 

[Guest]

 

[3113]

It's hard to leave in a hurry with three dogs. Having a plan is so much better.

Dude! It's a brave and painful think you're doing. Hang in there and keep us updated. I don't think we're in the same state, otherwise I'd offer to help in the moving.

If you want to sneak the dogs out, you can always take them to "the vet" and leave them there (aka, at your mothers house or wherever), so they're not part of the final packing and leaving scene.

My husband's mother did this with his father. She got fed up with her alcoholic husband, so she systematically packed up, arranged for new housing, drove off with pets and kids. No prior warning--which, I agree with everyone else, is the way to do it. You just risk muddying already muddy waters.

 

[NoJo]

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Ooo slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

 

[carsonshepherd]

Dude! It's a brave and painful think you're doing. Hang in there and keep us updated. I don't think we're in the same state, otherwise I'd offer to help in the moving.

If you want to sneak the dogs out, you can always take them to "the vet" and leave them there (aka, at your mothers house or wherever), so they're not part of the final packing and leaving scene.

My husband's mother did this with his father. She got fed up with her alcoholic husband, so she systematically packed up, arranged for new housing, drove off with pets and kids. No prior warning--which, I agree with everyone else, is the way to do it. You just risk muddying already muddy waters.

Well, I'm moving 320 miles away so it's not as easy as moving across town.
but that means he's not as likely to follow me, because he's only been to my hometown once and I doubt he remembers how to get there.

 

[joeys-game]

Hey Carson, its hard but you will prob feel much better for it, eventually.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Hey Carson, its hard but you will prob feel much better for it, eventually.

I think it will be "immediately."

 

[carsonshepherd]

Surely the dogs are old enough to help with the packing. You've been spoiling them, haven't you?

Their digging skill isn't very useful in this instance unfortunately. My mom thinks I'm taking them all in my car. Ha!

 

[joeys-game]

I think it will be "immediately."

I'm glad for you. I don't know you very well but I've seen you struggle, glad some happiness is insight.

 

[carsonshepherd]

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Ooo slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

It's odd that you would post this song, Joe...

 

[Aurora Black]

There comes a time when all avenues have been tried that you simply walk away. I have watched you here Carson and read your blog... this isn't a split decision for you or something that you are just up and doing...

His alcoholism has permeated everything that is around him including you. I am glad that your mom and siblings are helping you get out.

I agree with Mal, do not lie if you are point blank asked what's going on but do not offer him any more pieces of your heart to skewer while you are getting ready to go.

If he hasn't come out of his haze long enough to figure it out by the time that you go then sit him down the day that you leave and say "I love you, you know that... but I have to love myself as well and I have been enabling you to drink my life away. I cannot allow that anymore. I hope that sometime you get help but I cannot make you do it nor can I wait around until you do. I wish you only the best in life." And simply go.

I won't lie and tell you that it won't hurt... it will, you will probably feel like you are abandoning him... but you CANNOT let him drink your life away as well as his own.

I am sure that you have more offers of an ear or shoulder then you need but I am always around.

 

[carsonshepherd]

There comes a time when all avenues have been tried that you simply walk away. I have watched you here Carson and read your blog... this isn't a split decision for you or something that you are just up and doing...

His alcoholism has permeated everything that is around him including you. I am glad that your mom and siblings are helping you get out.

I agree with Mal, do not lie if you are point blank asked what's going on but do not offer him any more pieces of your heart to skewer while you are getting ready to go.

If he hasn't come out of his haze long enough to figure it out by the time that you go then sit him down the day that you leave and say "I love you, you know that... but I have to love myself as well and I have been enabling you to drink my life away. I cannot allow that anymore. I hope that sometime you get help but I cannot make you do it nor can I wait around until you do. I wish you only the best in life." And simply go.

I won't lie and tell you that it won't hurt... it will, you will probably feel like you are abandoning him... but you CANNOT let him drink your life away as well as his own.

I am sure that you have more offers of an ear or shoulder then you need but I am always around.

Missed this, Lizzy... very powerful words and sentiment. Thank you.

 

[BlackShanglan]

*nuzzles*

Sending it in an email, dearest.

 

[AngelofDarkLust]

*nuzzles*

Sending it in an email, dearest.

Shang!


Carson... posted it on your LJ. You'll do great. Remember it's his problem not yours.

And you know where to find me if you need the "been there, done that, it's all okay" shoulder to vent to.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Shang!


Carson... posted it on your LJ. You'll do great. Remember it's his problem not yours.

And you know where to find me if you need the "been there, done that, it's all okay" shoulder to vent to.

Yes, his drinking and his abusive behavior are not my fault. I know that. I'm coming out of the fog now.

 

[Tom Collins]

Yes, his drinking and his abusive behavior are not my fault. I know that. I'm coming out of the fog now.

It's only your fault if you see the abuse for what it is and still refuse to leave him and better your situation. I wish you the best and hope that it goes so smoothly that you barely feel the thorn that you'll be pulling from your side.

You know the people of the AH will always be there for you. Even those of us who don't know you so very well, such as myself. People around here seem to feel familial about one another very quickly and extend the feeling to anyone who's a regular, even if there's little in the way of direct association.

 

[Belegon]

Painful decisions my friend...but from what little I know, I support you wholeheartedly in this course of action.

You've had offers galore as for ears, shoulders and hearts, but I'm gonna throw mine in there too...

I know what it's like to be stubborn about wanting to fix things...stubborn enough that I've been accused of being unwilling to throw something away even though it's already broken, like a relationship is a glass I dropped while doing the dishes or something...

there's more than one broken glass here. I think it's time to go before you cut something too deeply to stop the bleeding. And I think you protect yourself here, not him. Tell him when you have to, no sooner.

I feel for ya man. Anything I can do, you let me know...*HUSG* & even a

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Yes, his drinking and his abusive behavior are not my fault. I know that. I'm coming out of the fog now.

YAY!!!