Amf

[carsonshepherd]

That is an incredible first step.

Ha, my mom's "mother bear" instinct kicked in and she's got the troops rallied.

 

[impressive]

I also realize that this toxic relationship is affecting my ability to make decisions.

That's really quite a brilliant realization.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Ha, my mom's "mother bear" instinct kicked in and she's got the troops rallied.

That is awesome that she and the troops are behind you, you'll need the support there and you know you have it here as well.

 

[carsonshepherd]

That's really quite a brilliant realization.

I know who I am and what I'm capable of and yet I can't seem to do it - it's like I have worms in my head and I want to get rid of them more than anything.

 

[OhMissScarlett]

I just hate lying to him. He already keeps questioning me about what I'm doing when I'm not around. I know he thinks there's another man but there is absolutely NOT.

He's gonna be blaming you until the cows come home, for whatever reason his alcohol soaked, irrational brain can cook up. You'll be the reason he's drinking when you're there and the reason he's drinking when you're gone. I will echo the others in saying that it's futile to try to resolve things with him. It's only going to serve to make you more miserable.

 

[Recidiva]

I know who I am and what I'm capable of and yet I can't seem to do it - it's like I have worms in my head and I want to get rid of them more than anything.

This is a recovery phase. The unfortunate part about buying into an abusive situation is somewhere you made the choice out of love but you had to stick with it past the point it got to be too much. Like giving a pint of blood to a shark, who then takes a thigh.

Someone cannot compel forgiveness from you if you're not prepared to offer it or if to do so would harm you and put you right back into the abusive situation.

You need distance, equilibrium, and you don't have that right now. Any abuser is going to smell that like blood in the water and take a few bites.

Just concentrate on bleeding less and get out. Don't try to talk to the predator.

 

[English Lady]

*hugs you tight*

Well, your online mum is in your real life Mom's corner. You've got to do this, for your own health and safety and happiness. I've noticed you've been less than happy for a long, long, long time -that just isn't right. I do believe this is a good, positive move for you, love and I think Lucky's idea about a written explaination is a good one, btw but you are capable of making a decision and I know you will make the right one.

*more hugs*

You know I'm here for you, so PM me whenever. I want to help as much as I can

 

[impressive]

Any abuser is going to smell that like blood in the water and take a few bites.

Just concentrate on bleeding less and get out. Don't try to talk to the predator.

Truer words ...

 

[Guest]

I just hate lying to him. He already keeps questioning me about what I'm doing when I'm not around. I know he thinks there's another man but there is absolutely NOT.

Don't lie. Say "I'm doing things for myself."

No, don't do the long wind up "I'm leaving you" and stay for three weeks. That's cruel, actually, and you don't need to be cruel. I went through that one myself (from the left person's position) and it's like being slashed with a knife each day. I'm for the "morning you plan to leave, sit him down and tell him" method. Something along the lines of "You know things have been bad. We've talked about it over and over. I can't live with it, and you can't live without it, and I'm chosing me over you. Thanks for all you did and I'm mad for all you didn't do, and here's my ride, good bye."

But, yeah, as much as possible, have everything sorted and settled and ready to go. He's GOT to know it's coming by now. If he doesn't, he's denying it. Just keep saying "There's no other man, there's just me."

Good luck, of course. I'm thinking of you.

 

[carsonshepherd]

I just talked to my mom and she's got a few ideas, and also assured me not to worry about money. My family is just as broke as I am but they're not going to let me starve.

 

[matriarch]

normally, i wouldnt agree but with BF's history, this really does seem the bestest route.

Just what I was thinking.
I wish you the best of luck. The support of you family will help enormously to get over this, and start again.

We're all behind you.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

Good luck, Carson. I go along with those who say not to tell him until the day you are leaving. You're just asking for more trouble if you do it sooner.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Just what I was thinking.
I wish you the best of luck. The support of you family will help enormously to get over this, and start again.

We're all behind you.

thanks. Conversation with Mom a bit ago really helped me feel less worried.

 

[matriarch]

thanks. Conversation with Mom a bit ago really helped me feel less worried.

Mums are good like that.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Mums are good like that.

for all great moms.

 

[AppleBiter]

Best of luck to you, love. *hugs*

 

[carsonshepherd]

Good luck, Carson. I go along with those who say not to tell him until the day you are leaving. You're just asking for more trouble if you do it sooner.

I'm starting to agree but my mom did mention packing - how am I going to pack without his noticing?

 

[minsue]

I'm starting to agree but my mom did mention packing - how am I going to pack without his noticing?

If you're going to wait to tell him until the day you leave, don't pack until then.

It takes a wise man to know when to ask for help, Carson. I'm glad you did.

 

[Guest]

There comes a time when all avenues have been tried that you simply walk away. I have watched you here Carson and read your blog... this isn't a split decision for you or something that you are just up and doing...

His alcoholism has permeated everything that is around him including you. I am glad that your mom and siblings are helping you get out.

I agree with Mal, do not lie if you are point blank asked what's going on but do not offer him any more pieces of your heart to skewer while you are getting ready to go.

If he hasn't come out of his haze long enough to figure it out by the time that you go then sit him down the day that you leave and say "I love you, you know that... but I have to love myself as well and I have been enabling you to drink my life away. I cannot allow that anymore. I hope that sometime you get help but I cannot make you do it nor can I wait around until you do. I wish you only the best in life." And simply go.

I won't lie and tell you that it won't hurt... it will, you will probably feel like you are abandoning him... but you CANNOT let him drink your life away as well as his own.

I am sure that you have more offers of an ear or shoulder then you need but I am always around.

 

[English Lady]

I'm starting to agree but my mom did mention packing - how am I going to pack without his noticing?

You could do a bit of spring cleaning -put some "rubbish" into boxes and bags to take to the tip or whatever (this would work for papers and nick nacks, then you could pack your clothes, personal things on the day)

It depends how much you've got to pack, though, I guess.

 

[Guest]

I'm starting to agree but my mom did mention packing - how am I going to pack without his noticing?

Maybe you can't "pack" but you can organize, separate, throw away what you don't need, etc. Decide now what you really want and what you can live without/leave behind.

As it's summer, you can always "pack" winter/fall stuff. That's only sensible. You can also "pack up" anything that's not been really put away, anything that's a mess, anything that he doesn't handle or deal with much.

Make lists of what you want and where it is that you can give to those who come to help you move. "Tidy" things up. And where possible, perhaps remove some things out of the house -- things that are usually in storage, for example, might be able to go elsewhere to minimize the amount you have to pack on D-day. Do everything you can to make leaving as quick as possible . At the minimum, have the absolute essentials you need ready to go.

Back up all the files on your computer and send them somewhere else. Make two copies, just in case. If necessary, upload them online (I have webspace I can make available for you if you need it) so you can get them later.

As for things he's given you...well, you'll have to decide if you want to keep them or leave them behind, or give them/throw them away. Leaving is not easy, but if you are prepared, not only will you be in a "leaving" state of mind, you'll be able to extract yourself with a minumum of pain.

 

[neonlyte]

I'm so sorry. I made a choice like that once and set a date of six months to leave a marriage and start a new life. Give people the chance to come to terms and get used to the idea.

It was absofuckinglutely hell.

So I'm not sure if I would tell you to do that. It's the "right" thing to do, it's the "civil" thing to do, but if you're already in something that's doing you harm, than this in a way is a huge risk.

Rather like a job that fires you immediately upon giving two weeks' notice, it can get very ugly very fast and leave you out way before two weeks.

I'd only say something if I was absolutely assured it wouldn't go to hell before you can say "Hey that's my stuff on fire."

Sound advice from 'diva', Carson. Don't spread it out, it will cause both of you more pain than you can believe. Having made the decision, go sooner rather than later, you won't be able to keep your decision a secret, tell-tale signals will give you away. Your real family and the family here will give you all the support you need. Do it.

 

[Liar]

What many have said. It sucks to do it, but it sucks evern more to drag it out and postpone.

For strength and luck,
#L

 

[NoJo]

Adios Mother Fucker.
Basically, I'm really confused and panicky and I'm not sure how to go about any of this.

Welcome to the fun part of being alive

 

[carsonshepherd]

Welcome to the fun part of being alive

Gee, thanks!

As far as the packing issue, I've moved so many times in my life that I don't have a lot of stuff and I don't ever really unpack. I could pack all this shit in a couple of hours, and if I had to leave anything behind I'd be fine (except my dogs. They're coming with me.)