Am I bi?

[shomex]

I'm a 40-year-old guy and I need a bit of advice from you.

First, I'd like to say that I'm very sexually attracted to women. There's no question about that. And I do not have a problem with performance when it comes to sex.

But, for several years, I've often felt excited by looking at good-looking guys' dicks in porn (straight or gay) movies. Muscles and cocks are a turn-on. Gay sex on screen was exciting to watch too.

However, I've not been attracted to any guys among people I know in real life. I concluded that I'm probably bi. I needed to test my theory.

Recently, I ventured out to a gay spa alone. In the dark-room of the spa, there must be some kind of orgy going on. I was excited. I was eagerly groped and sucked, hard, by faceless guys (well it was dark). But curious thing was, I couldn't get my dick to get hard. Being my very first gay experience, I thought it could be due to anxiety.

Some day later, I went to a gay massage parlour. I was pampered by an above average looking guy. At the end of the massage, his hand went for my cock. Yes, you guess it. The cock just couldn't get hard, at all. It was embarassing.

Well I have absolutely no problem with getting an erection with women. How is it that I have a problem with men? Am I bi or what? Does it happen to any of you? Can anybody shed some light?

 

[John Doe]

Judging from what you said and the fact that you asked the question in the first place, I'd say that at the very least you are bi-curious, which I think you can agree with. You've already said that you feel it merely needs to be "tested".

Now there are at least two possible explanations for your experience:


1. You aren't really bisexual or are at least only mildly or latently bi, and while you enjoy watching men's bodies and men having sex, you aren't stimulated by participating in the acts yourself

2a. That you are bi, but for some reason you can't relax enough to enjoy it, a hang-up you have if you will. This could be any number of things, not least of which the still rather prevelant conception that male homosexual sex is 'wrong' or 'dirty.' (oh it's dirty, but in a good way! )

2b. It's also possible that you are just not comfortable with strangers. It might be better to experiemtn with a friend, but then finding out who would be willing to do that is an entirely new set of problems in and of itself.

In short of a friend, I'd suggest perhaps walking up to one man in one of the places you frequented and explaining the situation to him. He might be able to make things more comfortable for you. Or place a personal ad explaining your situation and/or what you want.

 

[Jander1]

Judging from what you said and the fact that you asked the question in the first place, I'd say that at the very least you are bi-curious, which I think you can agree with. You've already said that you feel it merely needs to be "tested".

Now there are at least two possible explanations for your experience:


1. You aren't really bisexual or are at least only mildly or latently bi, and while you enjoy watching men's bodies and men having sex, you aren't stimulated by participating in the acts yourself

2a. That you are bi, but for some reason you can't relax enough to enjoy it, a hang-up you have if you will. This could be any number of things, not least of which the still rather prevelant conception that male homosexual sex is 'wrong' or 'dirty.' (oh it's dirty, but in a good way! )

2b. It's also possible that you are just not comfortable with strangers. It might be better to experiemtn with a friend, but then finding out who would be willing to do that is an entirely new set of problems in and of itself.

In short of a friend, I'd suggest perhaps walking up to one man in one of the places you frequented and explaining the situation to him. He might be able to make things more comfortable for you. Or place a personal ad explaining your situation and/or what you want.

For whatever it's worth this pretty much sums it up in my opinion. I have been going through similar feelings. Have always had at least a little curiousity about sex with men though very few turned me on in a real life situation. I began to talk to a guy online and have now met with him a couple of times. He is a little older, and what I would consider somewhat attractive. However the second time we met I found myself becoming sexual attracted to him in a face to face personal conversation. For me I think it is more 2b. Once we got to know each other and I began to respect him as a person the sexual attraction has seemed to arrise. Thinking about it now I never "got off" very well with women who I did not know, and have respect for. One thing I have learned is that sexuality is not a concrete issue just like most things.

 

[zeeker]

Hey there is nothing wrong with going both ways, I think the feeling of having a large cock stuffed into my ass-clit is the greatest feeling on earth, and being able to return the favor to another man is so rewarding to feel your dick in another mans ass, I've only done it a few times, but they were awesome.

 

[none2_none2]

I think you should keep in mind that there is lots of aspects to sexuality and sexual response. Guys don't all respond the same. Likewise, I have heard some bi guys say that something that turns them on with women, wouldn't do the same with guys. (For instance, a guy might get turned on by a female doing erotic dancing, yet if a guy did that, he might get turned off thinking its effeminate.)

Though I'm a top, I have always needed to make sure a partner enjoys sex. For me top is a position, not an excuse for one-way enjoyment. Because I've always wanted to please, I used to be SOOO hung up on whether the other guy was hard and ejaculated. Many guys told me that even though they weren't hard and maybe only leaked pre-cum, they thoroughly enjoyed the sexual encounter.

As for my "turgidity" (spelling) factors... Things have changed now that I'm in my mid-40's, but the general rules for me were:

Things that didn't get me hard:
1) Just seeing naked male bodies didn't get me hard.
2) Seeing, touching, tasting penises didn't get me hard.
3) Underage guys don't turn me on.

Things that would make me loose an erection:
1) The other guy appearing to be uncomfortable (either verbally saying it, hearing a sound of pain from him, or a facial expression of pain/uncomfortability)

2) Bad hygien: bad breath, smegma, BO, not clean or smell of #2, smell of #1
3) Attitude:
faggy/campy/effeminate;
"I'm more manly (or less gay) than you";
"Let's do it all, but please don't kiss me as I have a lover/spouse"
"I'm more handsome, hung, smarter, youthful, (whatever).., be thankful for the privelege of being with me."
Stoned guys: They are so out of it, yet they think they are 100% there.

4) Penis vampires:
(A good term for guys that are only interested in your penis -- not you as a person or getting to know what turns you on.)
vaccume cleaners discuised as men's mouths.
jack hammers discuised as men's hands.
guys exclusively into lollipop sex (cock sucking). (Reminded me too much of Shirley Temple.)

Things that got me hard:
1) Guys that said it was their first time -- not because of youthfulness, or un-attractiveness, but because they had been hung up on the str8 label. (Maybe I was a class room instructor in a prior life.)
2) Former tops (or tops ready to retire )
3) My type of guy showing off his clean ass.
4) A guy that trusted me to play with his ass.
5) A guy who wanted me inside him because it was ME -- not because I happened to be there and have a penis.
6) A guy who trusted me to pick him up and carry him into the bedroom or at least do a vertical 69. (I must have been a pro-wrestler in a prior life.)
7) A guy who is sleeping (or who fakes being asleep) and lets me do anything.
6) A guy who wants to talk, cuddle, be intimate before AND after the act. (Most likely the afterwards would lead to repeat performances.)
7) Last but the strongest: a guy who was my type, and loved to kiss and carass my body (excluding my cock) was most likely to get my cock hard.

NOTE: The above applies only to ME. I should add that my sex drive has calmed down a lot over the last few years. I guess I contribute it to age, possibly some medical conditions, and also having a wonderful partner. Sex used to be such a big part of my free time. I love orgasm, but my life is better now that it was during my sexcapade period of my life.

As I said, the above lists applied only to ME. There are other guys out there who only get turned on by m2m sex if they are wearing panties, or women's clothing. There are guys who only get turned on if they are being humilated verbially or physically. There are guys who only get hard if its an anonamous penis through a whole in the wall. There are guys that only get into it if it smells like a locker room. There are guys that only get hard if they are tied up and/or blindfolded. The one that was most difficult for me to understand (as mentioned at the beginning) is that there are guys who are so turned on even if they aren't hard. I always associated lack of erection as something frustraiting.

My recommendation would be to not worry about finding a label for yourself. Homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, etc. really are too many syllables to swallow. Just consider yourself a sexual being and go with whatever feels good to you and doesn't harm other people. If it's enjoyable and turns you on, but you don't get hard; I wouldn't sweat it.

 

[Jander1]

Just wanted to say that the last comment really did something for me. Of course not everything listed as a turn off or turn on is the same for me. Though I find it very attractive for a guy to know what he specifically likes. I think there are a lot of guys who consider themselves bi who would not want to cuddle or carress another mans body, or have no desire to get to know the other guy. These are two things also find attractice.I have always liked sex with women better when I think they are really into me and I into them. Otherwise to me it really is cheapened in a since. For me it needs to be special .

 

[shomex]

Thanks guys for the replies. I think there's a good chance that I'm not into sex when the partner gets aggressive on me. Looking back at the 2 gay experiences I had (if I could even call them that!), that was what happened.

 

[milman]

"I think there's a good chance that I'm not into sex when the partner gets aggressive on me"


Completely understandable. Of course I'm assuming your talking about actual aggressive, not playful aggressive.

 

[jaxcreampie69]

My first gay experience

The first true introduction to strictly male gay sex was after college and I was in Pittsburg on business. I had never been with only a guy one on one before, I had always played in a bi m/f orgy, so this time was different. I was particularly horny one night sitting in my hotel room, and decided to visit a gay bathhouse for the first time. Since I was out of town and nobody knew me there, I decided to call a taxi and go.

When I arrived, I was scared senseless, but decided to pay up and try it. I checked into a room that had hardcore gay porn playing on it. I didn’t even have time to close the door when a nice looking guy introduced himself and asked for company. I nervously said yes, and I undressed and let him suck my cock. I maneuvered him around so we could 69 each other, and before I knew it, he was tonguing my ass and driving me up the wall. He did this for a little while, and then offered to fuck me. Whoa, I was a virgin, and didn’t think this was the time. He then asked if I could fuck him, which was also a first for me. I have to say it was very enjoyable, and after we finished, he went back to eating my ass, begging me let him have it.

I finally gave in, and since this guy was experienced, he lubed me up and had me get on top of him to control the penetration. I had a blast with this guy. After he came in his condom, he cleaned up and left.

I went to the showers to clean up, then received a BJ in the steam room, two BJ’s in the orgy room, and sucked 2 more dicks and got fucked one more time. I guess you can say as a bisexual, I came out of the closet that night!

 

[Raimondin]

re: Am I Bi?

I really can't add much more than what's already been said. Great sound advice. I will just say to keep on trying. Although I agree with Stup, I think you might be more bi-curious with some mental "fixations" or "mind sets" about male to male sex. Keep exploring and experimenting.

 

[Etoile]

oh it's dirty, but in a good way!

It's not dirty if you clean yourself properly beforehand!

yes, I am completely NOT helpful...

 

[pantybeard]

You are you, and you are sexual

I ripped that comment off from someone whose post I read earlier. It all comes down to this: if you are willing to explore, you will find some things turn you on, and some do not. I think your first experiences were a bit too industrial. I was fortunate enough to be able to explore my feelings with a long time friend, after he told me he was gay.. I am definitely bi, but just because I am bi does not mean I want to hop in the alley with any man or woman that I meet. Making love has to be done with someone you know.. It takes time for real attraction to grow. Let it. If it does not, it is not your fault or the other person's fault, it just is what it is... Relax, be careful, and be friendly, and I bet you will be harder than a rock in no time... Whether you are bi, hetero or whatever. Happy and safe learning!

 

[bicuriousosaur]

being 25, and finally accepting my bi side, I say that I am still a little undecided. Still, I do think, being a virgin, that I would enjoy it either way. I forgot to put that I am attracted to both though, so it kind of helps.

 

[MintSoda]

I'm a 40-year-old guy and I need a bit of advice from you.

First, I'd like to say that I'm very sexually attracted to women. There's no question about that. And I do not have a problem with performance when it comes to sex.

But, for several years, I've often felt excited by looking at good-looking guys' dicks in porn (straight or gay) movies. Muscles and cocks are a turn-on. Gay sex on screen was exciting to watch too.

However, I've not been attracted to any guys among people I know in real life. I concluded that I'm probably bi. I needed to test my theory.

Recently, I ventured out to a gay spa alone. In the dark-room of the spa, there must be some kind of orgy going on. I was excited. I was eagerly groped and sucked, hard, by faceless guys (well it was dark). But curious thing was, I couldn't get my dick to get hard. Being my very first gay experience, I thought it could be due to anxiety.

Some day later, I went to a gay massage parlour. I was pampered by an above average looking guy. At the end of the massage, his hand went for my cock. Yes, you guess it. The cock just couldn't get hard, at all. It was embarassing.

Well I have absolutely no problem with getting an erection with women. How is it that I have a problem with men? Am I bi or what? Does it happen to any of you? Can anybody shed some light?

I don't really have experience with this but after I read your post I gave it some thought. You seem to have jumped into the deep end without actually learning to swim first, and this is a big realization to come to at 40. Maybe you should try easing into it first. I've been with several women and if I got dropped into a lesbian orgy my mind would probably melt before I actually managed to get turned on. Considering that was one of your first experiences I can understand why you had a hard time getting an erection.

My advice, and this is just a theory, would be that you should try simply masturbating to gay porn and fatansizing about men in the privacy of your own home where you feel most comfortable. If you still have a hard time getting an erection there may be something else going on. If things go very smoothly just enjoy the alone time with your own thoughts until it feels very natural. Then, go on a date with a man. One man, dinner and drinks, then maybe ease into the topic of coming up for coffee so to speak.

It does sound like you are bi, but it seems to me like you tried to run before you learned how to walk. It's not always that easy. I think your body might have been telling you that things were moving a tad too fast.

There's always the cyber option too as a stepping stone to exploring the world of same sex intimacy.

 

[shomex]

You seem to have jumped into the deep end without actually learning to swim first, and this is a big realization to come to at 40. Maybe you should try easing into it first.

That's a possibility. But in my circle of friends, I don't know of anyone who's gay. And my 'gaydar' has been hopelessly undeveloped.

My advice, and this is just a theory, would be that you should try simply masturbating to gay porn and fatansizing about men in the privacy of your own home where you feel most comfortable.

Done that. No problem getting hard with videos though. And I've hugely enjoyed anal toys. Come to think of it, watching sex among men excites me, but I can't (and have yet to) picture myself as one of the participants. Hmm, maybe there's something there...

It does sound like you are bi, but it seems to me like you tried to run before you learned how to walk. It's not always that easy. I think your body might have been telling you that things were moving a tad too fast.

You're probably right about it.

The thought of playing around in darkened gay spas and bathhouses and having anonymous sex is very, very exciting (at least in my mind). Strangely I have no wish or intention of developing a long-term 'romantic' relationship with a guy. Just sex. Does that say something?

 

[MintSoda]

It sounds like you're more bi curious than fully bi. My recommendation would be to start including yourself in the gay fantasies and probably try some gay cyber with an instant message service or chat service (AIM, ICQ or what not). I think this will help you get a little clearer picture of whether or not this is just a curiosity or something you actually are.

 

[Jander1]

It sounds like you're more bi curious than fully bi. My recommendation would be to start including yourself in the gay fantasies and probably try some gay cyber with an instant message service or chat service (AIM, ICQ or what not). I think this will help you get a little clearer picture of whether or not this is just a curiosity or something you actually are.

I have done all of these things, and enjoyed them all when I'm in the mood. Still have not done so for real though. I think as has been stated it takes the right person and the right situation to explore with. I read a post here once that said something about comparing one's first gay experience with one's first hetero experience. It said something to the effect that not every straight persons first experience with the opposite sex was good, which is why I think at least for me I need to choose my first gay experience wisely. Having fantasized/cybered for so long I don't want this potentially good thing to be ruined because I jumped into something with the wrong person or at the wrong time. Just thought I'd share

 

[Etoile]

It sounds like you're more bi curious than fully bi. My recommendation would be to start including yourself in the gay fantasies and probably try some gay cyber with an instant message service or chat service (AIM, ICQ or what not). I think this will help you get a little clearer picture of whether or not this is just a curiosity or something you actually are.

Hmmm...I'm not sure about this. There are so many different definitions for "bisexual" and "bi-curious." At what point does it stop being a "curiosity" and become what you "are"? What about the black men living on the down-low? Are they bisexual? Bi-curious? Gay? Straight but enjoy men? There are so many shades of gray (or is that shades of rainbow?) that I don't think an empirical study like this is possible. Approaching gay cybersex with the mentality of "if I like this, I'm bisexual - if I don't, I'm not" is going to dampen the activity itself, IMHO. Whether one is bi-curious or bisexual is one's own decision, and I personally don't feel that any specific criteria can decide for a person one way or the other.

 

[bi_asian_guy]

*****

 

[mystic_maiden32]

my best buddy-a guy-was telling me he thought a guy we saw was hot, and then started wondering if he was bi-I told him I didn't think so, but what do you think? I personally can't say that I look at women and think they are hot but I'm not bi because I am.

make any sense?

 

[GaryC]

it is possible to be bi without realizing it

It was while I was in the Air Force that I realized the distinctions I made between what is erotic and what is not with other men.

I knew when I went into the AF that I was bi though I leaned more to the gay side of it. I had thought that with all of the nude and well conditioned men around me I would be constantly aroused but I found that I was more disgusted with the sight of the many penises and butts. I had wondered at first if somehow basic training had changed me.

After tech schools I had gotten to my perminent base and met several civilian gay men. My enjoyment of them was as strong as ever.

I realized that I was finding there were four categories of erotic desire for me. Men who I knew or thought to be straight I enjoyed as friends but I was turned off to even imagine them nude, men I knew to be bi or gay could be erotic to me.

Movies or pictures of men having sex with each other were a strong turn on. Seeing what i thought were straight men in the nude in magazines were not in any way interesting.

The best example of this was the barracks chief. I had never felt any desire for him although he was in many ways the sort of male I often went for (personality, humor, intelligence, etc). When I discovered that he was secretly gay (I had seen him at a party I had gone to in the near by city), over night he had become highly erotic to me. I had within a week began courting him and by less than a month I began a relationship with him that lasted until he was transfered to another base.

 

[none2_none2]

Lust & Friendship

I look back on my life. I'm still pretty closeted because I don't want to be perceived as different whether its from str8's that see m2m sex as unmasculine, gross, evil or from well meaning tolerant str8's that kind of still see you as different.

I don't know if it was the closet that caused it, but I look back on all the male friendships I had and the real close ones were not attractive. I'd like to think they were just really close friends because of who they were inside. Hopefully, that was the main reason. However, I think there was another reason: They were "safe". I didn't have to worry that I would get an erection or that I'd be tempted to come on to them as I always hated rejection.

Likewise, I think I had some jealousy towards attractive guys. Kind of a paradox to be jealous of that which attracts you. There would always seem to be some hostility when I dealt with attractive guys. Since, it happened with different people, I know the blame is on my side. Even in places where I was less closeted, such as a gay chorus that I did for a few years, that behavior continued.

I did have sex with attractive guys, but they were encounters -- not friends. I don't regret the unattractive friends I had. They really were great guys. Perhaps it's a positive thing. I just regret that I was probably distant (sometimes an asshole) towards guys I found attractive because I was too immature to deal with the desire, feelings of inadequacy, fear of rejection, etc. On the other hand, I hope I would never be friends with someone for their looks alone. That would really be unfair to the attractive guy. Unfortunately, I bet they have to deal with that all the time.

 

[MintSoda]

Hmmm...I'm not sure about this. There are so many different definitions for "bisexual" and "bi-curious." At what point does it stop being a "curiosity" and become what you "are"? What about the black men living on the down-low? Are they bisexual? Bi-curious? Gay? Straight but enjoy men? There are so many shades of gray (or is that shades of rainbow?) that I don't think an empirical study like this is possible. Approaching gay cybersex with the mentality of "if I like this, I'm bisexual - if I don't, I'm not" is going to dampen the activity itself, IMHO. Whether one is bi-curious or bisexual is one's own decision, and I personally don't feel that any specific criteria can decide for a person one way or the other.

I never said cyber sex was a litmus test for bi or bi curious. I said he should start including himself in fantasies to see how that makes him feel. The reason it only sounds like curiosity to me is because he won't include himself in fantasies. It has nothing to do with whether he's openly bi to the people around him and everything to do with how he views himself. I think it only stops being a curiosity when you decide it is what you are.

I think you misinterpreted my post pretty badly. Please read it again.

*Edited for being a bitch*

 

[taolanes]

I'm a 40-year-old guy and I need a bit of advice from you.

First, I'd like to say that I'm very sexually attracted to women. There's no question about that. And I do not have a problem with performance when it comes to sex.

But, for several years, I've often felt excited by looking at good-looking guys' dicks in porn (straight or gay) movies. Muscles and cocks are a turn-on. Gay sex on screen was exciting to watch too.

However, I've not been attracted to any guys among people I know in real life. I concluded that I'm probably bi. I needed to test my theory.

Recently, I ventured out to a gay spa alone. In the dark-room of the spa, there must be some kind of orgy going on. I was excited. I was eagerly groped and sucked, hard, by faceless guys (well it was dark). But curious thing was, I couldn't get my dick to get hard. Being my very first gay experience, I thought it could be due to anxiety.

Some day later, I went to a gay massage parlour. I was pampered by an above average looking guy. At the end of the massage, his hand went for my cock. Yes, you guess it. The cock just couldn't get hard, at all. It was embarassing.

Well I have absolutely no problem with getting an erection with women. How is it that I have a problem with men? Am I bi or what? Does it happen to any of you? Can anybody shed some light?

I think you would know best

 

[The Mutt]

Since cocks seem to be the main focus of all porn, I think any man who watches porn will become fascinated by them. But there is a difference between admiring from afar and wanting to touch. The two experiences you describe have a lot of baggage attached, so anxiety seems the likely culprit for your lack of wood.
I think you should invite a man you find attractive over to your place for a drink. In a familiar setting, without the public aspect, things may go better.