Advice, please

[Guest]

For about three years I have actively tried to get my husband more interested in sex. Not just sex, because he likes the fast fuck, but interested in my satisfaction, too.

My past experience shows that I can only orgasm through oral sex. He won't do it. I've tried showing him porn, tasting myself in front of him, getting books. He has said he'd rather not have sex at all.

We had a face-off about this. Now I wonder whether our relationship will just survive on no sex (does anyone else have a non-sexual marriage?), if I'll have an affair (has anyone chosen this option?), or if we'll just separate because of this.

Any advice?

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

I am sure some other people will give suggestions, but my only one is to not have an affair.

Either find a way to get the sexual satisfaction you want from your husband, go without the satisfaction, or leave him - but do not cheat on him.

It sounds like he is only out for his own quick gratification. Too bad as he doesn't know what he is missing!

 

[KillerMuffin]

Have you actually sat down and discussed it with him? Without fighting? Some men will not eat pussy. It's utterly disgusting to them. He sounds like that kind of a guy.

There's a trick to assertive communication. You get what you want from it, to be understood and acknowledged, and you don't get him angry and yelling. The first trick is to not start out a sentence with the word "you."

You don't help me enjoy sex. I feel like you don't really want to help me enjoy sex.

Another trick is to sit back to back, with your backs leaning against each other. It's really hard to fight that way.

The most important trick is to learn to communicate effectively with each other.

The problem isn't orgasms and pussy eating. It's communication, or rather, the lack of it.

Maybe you can ask him why he doesn't want to eat you out. Ask him if he'd be interested in trying to find a way for you to orgasm during sex without it. You may not find one, but you can both feel like you're doing something. Right now, though, you may be making him feel inadequate or like a shitty lover because you can't orgasm unless he does something repulsive. Consider how you might feel if he told you he couldn't cum unless you sucked off the family dog. He kept pressuring you to, kept trying to show you how sexy he found it, and ended up fighting with you over it.

Try communication first. If that doesn't work, then you have to decide between a worsening situation with an affair or just making a break.

 

[Honeygirl]

Unregistered - I am in exactly the same boat as you...and I know how heartbreaking it is when you realise that all the back flips, porn, black sexy underwear, and discussions just isn't going to make your partner satisfy you. It's taken me the last three years (seven year relationship - gradual decline in passion) to appreciate that it's not ME that is the issue/problem (he doesn't see it as a problem - I do though!). The clincher for me was at a party when he said to a close friend of ours when discussing sex "I just can't be bothered". In a way, it was a relief to hear it...the confirmation that it wasn't MY fault - my esteem need to hear that - loud and clear.

Lovey - I feel that I could bang on about this subject forever, and I'm aware that I still haven't given `advice' as such - more support to a fellow woman in the same boat. Please PM me if you want to...I'm happy to talk privately about it with you.

I just wanted to say that with his reluctant blessing, I have found my sexuality awakend by a cyber lover...one that I don't intend to meet - but who has encouraged me enormously - and yes, it is fulfilling to me. Hang in there lovey - there are a lot of people out there - just like you and me.

 

[MissTaken]

I just wanted to say that with his reluctant blessing, I have found my sexuality awakend by a cyber lover...one that I don't intend to meet - but who has encouraged me enormously - and yes, it is fulfilling to me. Hang in there lovey - there are a lot of people out there - just like you and me.

"With his reluctant blessing..."

The key is communication and problem solving as a couple, if at all possible.

Certainly, he needs to be aware of any tact you take.

Be resilient. Be strong and communicate, communicate, communicate.

Be well
Miss T

 

[Honeygirl]

On reflection, I think I need to clarify the `reluctant' part of that post that I made...we have open communication - now especially - I think he was more reluctant about discussing our sex life at all. We're now more able to discuss my needs and how they might be met...that doesn't mean it leads to action though. Still, I'm not going to throw away an otherwise great relationship - because one aspect of it needs some work.

I hope this makes mores sense...You're right though Miss Taken - communication IS the key...and not being affraid to acknowledge your needs - whatever they may be.