Achieving a D/s relationship

[naughtabell]

I have been interested in attempting a true D/s relationship. For as long as I can remember I have had an interest in several of the aspects that fall under the blanket term of BDSM. I have played with different partners in the past but have never had 24/7 lifestyle D/s relationship. I have hit a point where the occasional play session is no longer satisfying. I want the physical AND emotional components that come with full on D/s relationship.

I have gone to munches in my area and met several wonderful people. Unfortunately most of the people I have met are interested only in play or want me to be an addition to an already established relationship - neither of which interest me.

I think I am at the point where I am going to have to turn to the online world to find somebody whose wants/needs are more congruent with my own. It makes me nervous though. If I go to a munch I have a much better idea of what I am getting myself into. Online can be a whole different story.

I know there are several websites out there but I'm not sure where to start...and which ones are legit. I'm kind of at a loss and feeling frustrated. I know what I want but just don't know how to get it.

 

[CutieMouse]

Relationships are relationships; power based or not. Personally, I wouldn't limit myself with kink-only online dating sites, if taking that route. And (as with most relationships) the odds of success tend to improve with self-awareness.

What does a "true D/s" relationship look like, to you?

 

[Malich]

I agree. The key part to starting a D/s relationship isn't the D/s it the relationship part. The D/s side is something you need to be compatible on for sure but if you plan to spend your life, or a good portion of it, with someone you need to make sure that you can get on with them.

I've always said there's as many types of D/s relationship as there are couples (or poly circles) practising it. I've had a number of partners. Some have been playfriends who i respected and cared for, some have been women I have truly loved with all my heart. But, alas, so far none of them have been "the one" though ym most recent ex I thought was until the day we parted.

I've been looking for 10+ years now and I suspect it may be another few before I find the one who compliments me, and me her, enough to spend the next long portion of my life with. But there is no point dashing into something and signing your life away with someone who doesn't feel right.

Accept you will make false starts. Accept you will make mistakes (and so will they). Accept you will get hurt and it will feel like carrying on down this line is not worth the pain any more (I was at that stage 3 months ago when i thought D/s was just not worth feeling like I did that day).

But don't settle for second best.

As for where? I've met people from here and had them turn into good friends / lovers. I've met two wonderful women from other online websites / chat rooms. I'm using a few online sites atm to try to find someone myself. OKCupid was recommended to me as being a semi-good, non-kinky but kink aware site though I gather women can get some very... odd messages on there

I've rambled a bit, i hope this makes some sense.

Good luck in your search!

 

[naughtabell]

Thanks for the responses.

As far as what a true D/s relationship looks like to me - well I have several thoughts about that. I imagine, though, that defining those terms would have to be a mutually shared part of starting a relationship that has the potential to be D/s.

You both have given me some food for thought. I'm still learning and know there is always room for growth. I still feel I am ready to put myself out there. I might try some non-kink related sites. My question is at what point in a new relationship do you express your desire to have a power based relationship? Should this be said and done at the very beginning or do you express these desires once you feel the relationship is established and moving forward?

 

[FluteMaster]

Thanks for the responses.


You both have given me some food for thought. I'm still learning and know there is always room for growth. I still feel I am ready to put myself out there. I might try some non-kink related sites. My question is at what point in a new relationship do you express your desire to have a power based relationship? Should this be said and done at the very beginning or do you express these desires once you feel the relationship is established and moving forward?

I think the danger in coming out too quickly on a non kink site is that you will be giving some unsavoury people a "handle" on you, or they will assume you are JUST after the kinky stuff.

My view is that unless you are on a kink site, don't make a big thing of your "interest" on that level. The way you write your profile and express yourself will be a clue to someone who has the right antennae. Also, you should get some vibes from the way a dominant expresses himself (confident, not bullying...able to express himself clearly and directly...but also able to listen and show understanding with what you are saying.)

Also, get to know the person, then the lover, and the Dominance/submission should grow naturally.

I wrote a letter here: http://www.literotica.com/s/to-you-1 which sums up my thoughts (though it's quite intense )

Good luck and happy hunting.


Find the right relationship, and you will fin

 

[Malich]

Thanks for the responses.

(SNIP)

My question is at what point in a new relationship do you express your desire to have a power based relationship? Should this be said and done at the very beginning or do you express these desires once you feel the relationship is established and moving forward?

That's the issue. I would always say yes. If you get someone into a relationship and then raise the issue of D/s you end up with the risk of

1. Being accused of withholding information / lying at the start of the relationship
2. Finding yourself madly in love with someone who you are now not sexually compatible with and struggling with a hard decision to either leave for what you need or to stay and feel unfulfilled

Neither of those is worth the pain and heartache that it would cause.

So, my advice, be open from day 1, but pick your sites carefully. Avoid information that lets someone identify you / track you down and just apply the simple safety rules when you're planning a first meet up.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Our society tries to inforce an attitude that putting sexual-dynamic needs first is shameful. and lots of people don't need to, they can be perfectly happy without some one or another sex practice. But for many of us, ignoring those needs leads to a lot of extra unhappiness. If D/s is a need for you, if the lack of it will impact your life-- you cannot compromise.

 

[JMohegan]

To the OP -

If you must go the internet search route, I urge you to avoid anyone who gives quick lip service to the notion of wanting to know you first as a person.... but then immediately addresses you with paragraph after paragraph of D/s porn fantasy fluff.

 

[naughtabell]

I appreciate so much everyone's advice.

I'm stepping cautiously into this all. I've decided to put myself out there and make my sexual desires known (tactfully - like JMohegan pointed out I'm not trying fulfill someone's porn fantasy) and yet I feel like this is an aspect of a relationship I'm not willing to compromise on. Who knows where this road will take me but I'm hoping I will find the right person.

Again thanks for the feedback.

 

[Malich]

I appreciate so much everyone's advice.

I'm stepping cautiously into this all. I've decided to put myself out there and make my sexual desires known (tactfully - like JMohegan pointed out I'm not trying fulfill someone's porn fantasy) and yet I feel like this is an aspect of a relationship I'm not willing to compromise on. Who knows where this road will take me but I'm hoping I will find the right person.

Again thanks for the feedback.

They're out there.

 

[CutieMouse]

I used to use certain phrases in personals ads... I'd make casual (often humorous) references to *not* being the one who "runs the relationship". I also stuck to more mainstream dating sites... Intimacy and sex are important, to me, but so is everyday life.

 

[PBKgirl]

They're out there.

Thanks OP for posting and all the great advice. I'll certainly be using much if it when I'm ready to put myself out there!

And yes Malich, I do believe you are correct- it's just the process of finding one that's a "good fit", so to speak!

 

[Malich]

Thanks OP for posting and all the great advice. I'll certainly be using much if it when I'm ready to put myself out there!

And yes Malich, I do believe you are correct- it's just the process of finding one that's a "good fit", so to speak!

That's the stage I'm at currently. It sucks, but will be worth it I am sure!

 

[PBKgirl]

That's the stage I'm at currently. It sucks, but will be worth it I am sure!

Absolutely!!! Eye on the prize

 

[Malich]

Absolutely!!! Eye on the prize

Yup. my dream kinky, geeky, bratty sub

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

I'm not big into the "scene" either. I found my girl on eHarmony. I tried to figure out what to look for in profiles to see which way they might lean and I knew what I wanted.

It was also helpful that one of the stock questions the site has that you can send to a person as a way to get to know them is about how they are in their personal relationships and whether they like to lead, follow, or both. This is one of the questions you can ask right off the bat before really even talking to them. Plus, they ask when you fill out your profile how dominant or submissive you are.

Very soon into talking she asked where I met my ex-girlfriend and I told her how I met her on Lit's BDSM personals. That led to helping her explore BDSM and where we are today.

Good luck.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm not big into the "scene" either. I found my girl on eHarmony. I tried to figure out what to look for in profiles to see which way they might lean and I knew what I wanted.

It was also helpful that one of the stock questions the site has that you can send to a person as a way to get to know them is about how they are in their personal relationships and whether they like to lead, follow, or both. This is one of the questions you can ask right off the bat before really even talking to them. Plus, they ask when you fill out your profile how dominant or submissive you are.

Very soon into talking she asked where I met my ex-girlfriend and I told her how I met her on Lit's BDSM personals. That led to helping her explore BDSM and where we are today.

Good luck.

So funny - I think of eharmony as super square!!

 

[KoPilot]

I found him on Deviantart... and wasn't even looking.

But yeah. There's no "achieving" a D/s relationship, it's a thing that's constantly evolving to suit the people in it as they change, to suit the circumstances, to suit the moving goalposts.