A submissive's arousal...does it matter?

[sb2009]

for me, there is something so incredibly arousing in the act of being bent over, legs spread apart and entered. I may not have been ready for it when it started, but by the third stroke i'm ready and willing...the idea that he wants me, wants me enough to take me right then and there...thrills me.

It's like i'm a delicious piece of cheesecake that he has to have NOW.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Answering for me:

I'd just go where the psychic candy was and dole it out.

First of all, this is entirely sensible.

DeepGreenEyes...how would you feel being with a submissive female who had no need for orgasm? not even a desire for it?...or even more, how would you feel if you had a submissive female with whom you could not exercise orgasm control, because they lacked the ability OR genuine desire to orgasm at all?

In typically controlling form, I'm sure I'd view it as a challenge. At least at first. Prove it! And after that failed... I have to say it would take some of the fun out of it for me. I love orgasm control, and the resultant intense explosion ("Cool! Look what I did!") I can't quite think of anything that could replace it.

I've been following the give and take about orgasm on the thread, and a dislike or disinterest in orgasm is a hard concept to get my head (and other parts) around. I understand it intellectually, of course. But it's hard for me to truly get how becoming aroused without ever wanting or needing orgasm could really be as satisfying. I just have to take it on faith.

Being the giver of orgasms is tied into my sexuality, and my dominant desires, so it would probably take a lot of demonstrative (non-orgasmic) expressions of pleasure on her part to reprogram me.

 

[satindesire]

Fascinating.

In the four some-odd years we've been together, I'd have to say that I've said "no" to the question of sex only twice, because I believe that his sexuality is very important to me and should be accepted as something beautiful between us, to share.

He's had a LOT of sexual trauma in his past, due to the fact that his ex wife treated his erection like it was...literally...disgusting, saying things like "EW! Get that THING away from me!" and such. Which made him believe that there was something WRONG with him when he got aroused and wanted to have sex. He was so beaten down and oppressing his sexuality so much during the first few years of our relationship that even talking about sex wasn't allowed, nor could I ask for sex from him.

The two times I've said no to him were due to the fact that I was very sick at the time, and either vomiting regularly or running a very high fever.

He makes a very concerned effort each time to be gentle with me, since a medical condition keeps my body from healing properly, and he's well endowed enough to tear me if I'm not fully aroused. Most of the time, though, it's mutual, he wants me to orgasm as well as himself.

His past damaged him sexually, unfortunately, and because of that I have to tread very lightly even today, when it comes to sex, but he has moved past a great deal of his hang-ups and reactions due to abuse, and part of his healing has come from the fact that I am a sexual woman, who enjoys sex and accepts it as natural and not 'gross' or embarrassing, and I am capable of orgasms.

He values my orgasm, which I love about him. Dom or not, I think sex is one of the best parts of our relationship.

 

[SirLeo]

DeepGreenEyes...how would you feel being with a submissive female who had no need for orgasm? not even a desire for it?...or even more, how would you feel if you had a submissive female with whom you could not exercise orgasm control, because they lacked the ability OR genuine desire to orgasm at all?

Speaking for myself_ I would not have an interest, at least sexually in a woman that couldn't or wouldn't have an orgasm. That is a sad thing.

 

[seela]

Speaking for myself_ I would not have an interest, at least sexually in a woman that couldn't or wouldn't have an orgasm. That is a sad thing.

^This always seems a bit scary for me. I know a couple of women, who continuously fake orgasms, because they're not capable of orgasming and are afraid that men will find them dysfunctional (for the lack of a better word in my vocabulary) because of that. They can't even orgasm when they masturbate.

For me it's not about not being able to orgasm, but more about want. I just don't find it very pleasurable at all. Sometimes it feels to me a lot like the cramps I get during menstruation. In my relationships my orgasms are pretty much every single time forced and always end in tears, which is something I've learned to like, but I still don't like the orgasm itself.

And like OSG pointed out, a woman not being 100% aroused and sizzling doesn't equate lying in bed as a trout that died a week ago. Personally I just get more pleasure out of man's orgasm that I do from my own.

I get it that men like women having orgasms and really showing that they're enjoying what they're experiencing. But in many cases it also adds a whole lot pressure on women.

 

[rida]

Speaking for myself_ I would not have an interest, at least sexually in a woman that couldn't or wouldn't have an orgasm. That is a sad thing.

^This always seems a bit scary for me. I know a couple of women, who continuously fake orgasms, because they're not capable of orgasming and are afraid that men will find them dysfunctional (for the lack of a better word in my vocabulary) because of that. They can't even orgasm when they masturbate.

For me it's not about not being able to orgasm, but more about want. I just don't find it very pleasurable at all. Sometimes it feels to me a lot like the cramps I get during menstruation. In my relationships my orgasms are pretty much every single time forced and always end in tears, which is something I've learned to like, but I still don't like the orgasm itself.

And like OSG pointed out, a woman not being 100% aroused and sizzling doesn't equate lying in bed as a trout that died a week ago. Personally I just get more pleasure out of man's orgasm that I do from my own.

I get it that men like women having orgasms and really showing that they're enjoying what they're experiencing. But in many cases it also adds a whole lot pressure on women.

^ what she said.

I'm glad that men are now concerned for a woman's pleasure during sex. But I think that it went overboard the other way now. And I think is causing problems as women are now feeling pressured into being multi orgasmic, always horny and wet, and so forth. And they end up feeling "failures" when the cannot fulfill such expectations.

I can orgasm and I love it. Just very hardly during sex. But then again, sex is a process to be enjoyed, not a goal oriented activity for me. Sex is the whole of sharing myself with someone else and having there share themselves with me. It is the energy that is created and shared, and in the case of deep relationships it is also the intimacy shared. And I do not need an orgasm to be satisfied. And even when it is just casual sex eek, I enjoy the physical interaction, the sensations, the energy and do not need my orgasm.

Truth to be told, I'm much more satisfied after sex without orgasm than after masturbation with orgasm(s).

And one more things: I bet that most of my casual lovers are not even aware that I'm not orgasming. I enjoy sex and I'm rather vocal in my enjoyment. (And no, I'm not faking anything).

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

^ what she said.

I'm glad that men are now concerned for a woman's pleasure during sex. But I think that it went overboard the other way now. And I think is causing problems as women are now feeling pressured into being multi orgasmic, always horny and wet, and so forth. And they end up feeling "failures" when the cannot fulfill such expectations.

I can orgasm and I love it. Just very hardly during sex. But then again, sex is a process to be enjoyed, not a goal oriented activity for me. Sex is the whole of sharing myself with someone else and having there share themselves with me. It is the energy that is created and shared, and in the case of deep relationships it is also the intimacy shared. And I do not need an orgasm to be satisfied. And even when it is just casual sex eek, I enjoy the physical interaction, the sensations, the energy and do not need my orgasm.

Truth to be told, I'm much more satisfied after sex without orgasm than after masturbation with orgasm(s).

And one more things: I bet that most of my casual lovers are not even aware that I'm not orgasming. I enjoy sex and I'm rather vocal in my enjoyment. (And no, I'm not faking anything).

QFT + QFA. (Awesome )

Personally, I've found that the casual partners have been much more focused on trying to make me orgasm. In the end, I either distract them, fake it a bit, or get my fingers in there and make it happen. Mr is aware that I do sometimes fake it with strangers, he doesn't care, we've kind of incorporated it into my performance.

 

[sirg71]

personally and sub/slaves arousal is important to me, sometimes i seek to control and manipulate that state of arousal for my pleasure and benifit.

It is also my opinion that if both parties are not aroused in some way the dynamic will not last

 

[dicky911]

well her arousal is important to this dom - it proves his attractiveness and power - and stimulates him more

 

[Etoile]

well her arousal is important to this dom - it proves his attractiveness and power - and stimulates him more

I have never ever seen a dominant person refer to themselves in the third person. Congratulations!

 

[ownedsubgal]

Answering for me:

I'd just go where the psychic candy was and dole it out.

*sigh*...if only more men had this kind of vision.

 

[ownedsubgal]

First of all, this is entirely sensible.



In typically controlling form, I'm sure I'd view it as a challenge. At least at first. Prove it! And after that failed... I have to say it would take some of the fun out of it for me. I love orgasm control, and the resultant intense explosion ("Cool! Look what I did!") I can't quite think of anything that could replace it.

I've been following the give and take about orgasm on the thread, and a dislike or disinterest in orgasm is a hard concept to get my head (and other parts) around. I understand it intellectually, of course. But it's hard for me to truly get how becoming aroused without ever wanting or needing orgasm could really be as satisfying. I just have to take it on faith.

Being the giver of orgasms is tied into my sexuality, and my dominant desires, so it would probably take a lot of demonstrative (non-orgasmic) expressions of pleasure on her part to reprogram me.

sooo first point her out as a freak, then pile on the pressure, then lose interest when that fails. a pattern with which i'm all too familiar.

but topics like this reinforce the extreme importance of finding compatible partners...so many domly types, in the D/s world especially, have this idea that simply because a woman is submissive they will be able to eventually shape her into exactly what they want and need. but you can't force a square peg into a round hole, and to even try is bordering on abusive.

 

[ownedsubgal]

^This always seems a bit scary for me. I know a couple of women, who continuously fake orgasms, because they're not capable of orgasming and are afraid that men will find them dysfunctional (for the lack of a better word in my vocabulary) because of that. They can't even orgasm when they masturbate.

For me it's not about not being able to orgasm, but more about want. I just don't find it very pleasurable at all. Sometimes it feels to me a lot like the cramps I get during menstruation. In my relationships my orgasms are pretty much every single time forced and always end in tears, which is something I've learned to like, but I still don't like the orgasm itself.

And like OSG pointed out, a woman not being 100% aroused and sizzling doesn't equate lying in bed as a trout that died a week ago. Personally I just get more pleasure out of man's orgasm that I do from my own.

I get it that men like women having orgasms and really showing that they're enjoying what they're experiencing. But in many cases it also adds a whole lot pressure on women.

exactly seela, and this mindset really scares me too. when your sexual partner sees you as defective and undesirable, you start to believe it yourself. and then you're left with either a lifetime of faking the funk in order to appear "normal," or a life without sex at all. this is so depressing.

 

[JMohegan]

^This always seems a bit scary for me. I know a couple of women, who continuously fake orgasms, because they're not capable of orgasming and are afraid that men will find them dysfunctional (for the lack of a better word in my vocabulary) because of that. They can't even orgasm when they masturbate.

For me it's not about not being able to orgasm, but more about want. I just don't find it very pleasurable at all. Sometimes it feels to me a lot like the cramps I get during menstruation. In my relationships my orgasms are pretty much every single time forced and always end in tears, which is something I've learned to like, but I still don't like the orgasm itself.

And like OSG pointed out, a woman not being 100% aroused and sizzling doesn't equate lying in bed as a trout that died a week ago. Personally I just get more pleasure out of man's orgasm that I do from my own.

I get it that men like women having orgasms and really showing that they're enjoying what they're experiencing. But in many cases it also adds a whole lot pressure on women.

I'm curious as to how this works in reverse.

Do you believe that the bolded attitude puts pressure on men?

Would you date a guy who didn't find orgasm pleasurable?

If the genders had been reversed in Leo's post, would you still find it "scary"?

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

sooo first point her out as a freak, then pile on the pressure, then lose interest when that fails. a pattern with which i'm all too familiar.

but topics like this reinforce the extreme importance of finding compatible partners...so many domly types, in the D/s world especially, have this idea that simply because a woman is submissive they will be able to eventually shape her into exactly what they want and need. but you can't force a square peg into a round hole, and to even try is bordering on abusive.

I was answering honestly about my sexuality and preferences. That's all. I've never been with a woman for whom orgasm was not pleasurable or desirable. My natural reaction would be to test it out. It's what I do.

I like female orgasms. I like seeing them, causing them, delaying them, playing with them. I like the way they make my partner feel. I like the way they make me feel. They are tangible and I can relate to them.

That doesn't mean that I'd necessarily dismiss a great person who didn't or couldn't orgasm. She'd just have to convince me that being used as a piece of flesh was so pleasurable as to make orgasm laughingly antediluvian.

I couldn't agree more that compatibility of partners is crucial. I would never presume that a sexual proclivity would equate to malleability. Anyone who reads these boards can see the crayola-range of of Dominants and submissives, in tastes, personality and approach. I've never had a D (or an s, really, for that matter) try to change me, so I can't speak to that experience, except to say that it seems sucky.

 

[ownedsubgal]

That doesn't mean that I'd necessarily dismiss a great person who didn't or couldn't orgasm. She'd just have to convince me that being used as a piece of flesh was so pleasurable as to make orgasm laughingly antediluvian.

even if that pleasure were more an inner sense of fulfillment and contentment as opposed to "mmm yummy this feels good?"...or more simply put, a mental and emotional pleasure as opposed to a physical one?

and btw DeepGreen, i do appreciate your honest responses.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

even if that pleasure were more an inner sense of fulfillment and contentment as opposed to "mmm yummy this feels good?"...or more simply put, a mental and emotional pleasure as opposed to a physical one?

and btw DeepGreen, i do appreciate your honest responses.

This is a hypothetical, so I have no way of knowing.

I think two things would help: I'd have to talk it out and try to understand. Maybe over a lot of beers. And sex. Second, if her desire for and delight in sex was palpable, then that would be a compelling argument, orgasms or not.

 

[ownedsubgal]

This is a hypothetical, so I have no way of knowing.

I think two things would help: I'd have to talk it out and try to understand. Maybe over a lot of beers. And sex. Second, if her desire for and delight in sex was palpable, then that would be a compelling argument, orgasms or not.

a willingness to at least attempt to understand is very very good. even if some alcoholic beverage assistance is required, lol. but what do you mean by "palpable?" to clarify, i am asking about her desire for and enjoyment in sex NOT translating to any outward physical arousal (no flushed skin or juicy parts), much less orgasm.

 

[ownedsubgal]

this issue makes me wonder about male submissives, and how a Dominant (male or female) would be likely to feel about a submissive who rarely or perhaps never displayed physical arousal. it being such a visually obvious thing in males after all. would the Dominant feel undesirable, or perhaps even doubt the submissive's sexual interest? would they really believe that the submissive was completely fulfilled simply through service and use? or, is male sexuality such that lack for either the ability or the desire to be aroused really would be a sign of sexual dysfunction (and *lightbulb*...perhaps this is a reason why most men have a difficult understanding or believing women with such a sexuality)?

things that make you go hmmmm.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

a willingness to at least attempt to understand is very very good. even if some alcoholic beverage assistance is required, lol. but what do you mean by "palpable?" to clarify, i am asking about her desire for and enjoyment in sex NOT translating to any outward physical arousal (no flushed skin or juicy parts), much less orgasm.

A meal, a movie or a fuck: you can usually tell when someone is excited about something, or at least engaged.

 

[SirLeo]

for me, there is something so incredibly arousing in the act of being bent over, legs spread apart and entered. I may not have been ready for it when it started, but by the third stroke i'm ready and willing...the idea that he wants me, wants me enough to take me right then and there...thrills me.

It's like i'm a delicious piece of cheesecake that he has to have NOW.

Knowing that that is how m feels, is an incredibly arousing and thrilling thing for me!

"DGE, I was answering honestly about my sexuality and preferences. That's all. I've never been with a woman for whom orgasm was not pleasurable or desirable. My natural reaction would be to test it out. It's what I do.

I like female orgasms. I like seeing them, causing them, delaying them, playing with them. I like the way they make my partner feel. I like the way they make me feel. They are tangible and I can relate to them.

That doesn't mean that I'd necessarily dismiss a great person who didn't or couldn't orgasm. She'd just have to convince me that being used as a piece of flesh was so pleasurable as to make orgasm laughingly antediluvian.

I couldn't agree more that compatibility of partners is crucial. I would never presume that a sexual proclivity would equate to malleability. Anyone who reads these boards can see the crayola-range of of Dominants and submissives, in tastes, personality and approach. I've never had a D (or an s, really, for that matter) try to change me, so I can't speak to that experience, except to say that it seems sucky. "

WHat DGE said, with this addition, from the persepctive of having had too many to count sexual partners in my distant past, and having been only with m for hte past 19 years, there have been many times when m or previous partners haven't had an orgasm. It never is a freak out or cause for drama, as long as the partner replies yes, to the question, "Are you satisfied?" Putting pressure on a woman who hasn't or has difficulty cumming is likely just as dsiruptive as a woman putting pressure on a man for not being able to get an erection.

The important point, IMO, is that your partner gets satisfaction from being with you. I have never had a relationship partner (perhaps other than a 1 nighter) that could not have an orgasm or had never had an orgasm that didn't want to try to change that prior to the relationship ending. As far as I can remember, in those cases she wound having had at least one. There was never a "Gee your broken, let's fix it" vibe. It was a "Gee is that soemthing you would like to expereince? Let's see if we can do that together or if I can help."

And lastly, I'm with JMoehegan, "I'm curious as to how this works in reverse.

Do you believe that the bolded attitude puts pressure on men?

Would you date a guy who didn't find orgasm pleasurable?

If the genders had been reversed in Leo's post, would you still find it "scary"?

 

[SirLeo]

this issue makes me wonder about male submissives, and how a Dominant (male or female) would be likely to feel about a submissive who rarely or perhaps never displayed physical arousal. it being such a visually obvious thing in males after all. would the Dominant feel undesirable, or perhaps even doubt the submissive's sexual interest? would they really believe that the submissive was completely fulfilled simply through service and use? or, is male sexuality such that lack for either the ability or the desire to be aroused really would be a sign of sexual dysfunction (and *lightbulb*...perhaps this is a reason why most men have a difficult understanding or believing women with such a sexuality)?

things that make you go hmmmm.

Maybe this belongs onthe Oral Servitude Thread, but I think I can speak for most men, We Really Love a Good Hmmmmer!

 

[JMohegan]

From the Mayo Clinic:

Female sexual dysfunction often is divided into the following categories, which are not mutually exclusive:

- Low sexual desire. You have diminished libido, or lack of sex drive.

- Sexual arousal disorder. Your desire for sex might be intact, but you have difficulty or are unable to become aroused or maintain arousal during sexual activity.

- Orgasmic disorder. You have persistent or recurrent difficulty in achieving orgasm after sufficient sexual arousal and ongoing stimulation.

- Sexual pain disorder. You have pain associated with sexual stimulation or vaginal contact.

Risk factors.

Treatment and drugs.



I don't believe it's reasonable for a person (of any gender or orientation) to try to "fix" a partner's sexual dysfunction on his/her own. But I also believe that the responsible thing to do would be to encourage a sexually dysfunctional partner to seek professional help.

Like Leo and DGE, I consider a woman's arousal and orgasm to be key components of a satisfying sexual relationship. Not in every instance or episode. But in general? Definitely.

As for the question of whether or not I would date a sexually dysfunctional woman, I'd say that would depend on multiple factors, including the strength and depth of the relationship prior to onset of symptoms, as well as the woman's willingness to seek professional help to address the problem.

 

[satindesire]

From the Mayo Clinic:

Female sexual dysfunction often is divided into the following categories, which are not mutually exclusive:

- Low sexual desire. You have diminished libido, or lack of sex drive.

- Sexual arousal disorder. Your desire for sex might be intact, but you have difficulty or are unable to become aroused or maintain arousal during sexual activity.

- Orgasmic disorder. You have persistent or recurrent difficulty in achieving orgasm after sufficient sexual arousal and ongoing stimulation.

- Sexual pain disorder. You have pain associated with sexual stimulation or vaginal contact.

Risk factors.

Treatment and drugs.



I don't believe it's reasonable for a person (of any gender or orientation) to try to "fix" a partner's sexual dysfunction on his/her own. But I also believe that the responsible thing to do would be to encourage a sexually dysfunctional partner to seek professional help.

Like Leo and DGE, I consider a woman's arousal and orgasm to be key components of a satisfying sexual relationship. Not in every instance or episode. But in general? Definitely.

As for the question of whether or not I would date a sexually dysfunctional woman, I'd say that would depend on multiple factors, including the strength and depth of the relationship prior to onset of symptoms, as well as the woman's willingness to seek professional help to address the problem.

I agree with this. Normal sexual functions are something that should be enjoyed and treasured, and when someone doesn't have normal sexual functions, that issue should be taken up with a doctor. Unless a person is truly asexual, being anorgasmic shouldn't be something just accepted with a sigh of 'Oh, well, I guess this is just how it is."

 

[ownedsubgal]

From the Mayo Clinic:

Female sexual dysfunction often is divided into the following categories, which are not mutually exclusive:

- Low sexual desire. You have diminished libido, or lack of sex drive.

- Sexual arousal disorder. Your desire for sex might be intact, but you have difficulty or are unable to become aroused or maintain arousal during sexual activity.

- Orgasmic disorder. You have persistent or recurrent difficulty in achieving orgasm after sufficient sexual arousal and ongoing stimulation.

- Sexual pain disorder. You have pain associated with sexual stimulation or vaginal contact.

Risk factors.

Treatment and drugs.



I don't believe it's reasonable for a person (of any gender or orientation) to try to "fix" a partner's sexual dysfunction on his/her own. But I also believe that the responsible thing to do would be to encourage a sexually dysfunctional partner to seek professional help.

Like Leo and DGE, I consider a woman's arousal and orgasm to be key components of a satisfying sexual relationship. Not in every instance or episode. But in general? Definitely.

As for the question of whether or not I would date a sexually dysfunctional woman, I'd say that would depend on multiple factors, including the strength and depth of the relationship prior to onset of symptoms, as well as the woman's willingness to seek professional help to address the problem.

the use of the word "dysfunctional" connotes something broken and in need of repair, a connotation you clearly support by viewing such a female as in need of "professional help." this is a perspective which can be very offensive, not to mention hurtful, to women like myself who do not view their low physical arousal or potential for orgasms to be problems. now if one uses the term dysfunctional to signify abnormality...fine i'll give them that, as i recognize that such a sexuality is not the norm. but dysfunction also signifies that something is damaged and not working as it should. if a woman has been this way for all of her sexual life (therefore it is her personal "norm"), if this causes no harm to herself or others, and she is quite content with her sexuality as it is...what is the "problem" there? where is the brokenness in that? and why should her natural sexuality be invalidated?