A Pregnancy Question

[Guest]

I would in your place make sure I know where I stand and what I want accomplished of my life before taking the plunge.

Afterwards things become just...more difficult to achieve.

Maharat

 

[JagFarlane]

LMAO For some reason, I doubt "Dad" had killer backaches, had to pee every 5 minutes or had to sit through the class sideways cuz his belly wouldn't fit behind the desk!

(I'm in complete accordance with everything else, but that really cracked me up.)

LOL no...however we'll point out that was AFTER I was born lol.

And as a side note, as many know now, I had a cousin who went through the second semester of her junior year of college preggers [kid in Aug] and another cousin who went through a semester of high school preggers so it can be done

 

[Just-Legal]

Thanks Helen. I very much appreciate that. You're making me slowly realize that my situation is really not something to whine about at all.


I'm curious now: Did you think I was older or younger than you?

I'm going to get a slap if I said older aren't I? I had you pegged about 26.

And hey, whining is allowed, especially when its a) such a big issue and b) affecting you emotionally, especially in a way you didn't expect.

Sorry if I made you feel bad, it wasn't my intention at all.

 

[fieryjen]

Well I'm glad everyone has already said this is normal because I've been dealing with the same feelings as you for a few years. Yeah I mean obviously that's silly given my age(23) and lack of husband(lol working on that... much to his dismay! haha ) but a lot of people I know and friends(younger or same age) are having babies. I think a lot of times when it's going on around you, you want it that much more. I'm aware some women don't have that whole maternal kick in them but most of us do. So when you see people you don't think are deserving or even people that are having babies it's kinda hard not to go 'I want one!'

Wait till schools over, I watched my friend J go though school pregnant and bless her she did it but it was a really hard time. It was a lot to balance.

If you and hubbie both want them then at least you know that he's not just backing out. I think when it's time you'll both know and it'll feel right. At least that's what I'd like to think will happen to me in a few years.

Yep, that's exactly how I feel as well. Thanks for posting.

About the whole school thing - I'm done with my B.A., I would like to go back for my Masters in the future though. So I haven't got school going on right now, but I do want to get back to it. I've seen a couple of girls go through college pregnant or with a baby, and my neighbor has a three-year-old and is currently working on her B.A. I know it takes a lot, and I don't think I could do it. That's the main motivation that's keeping me sane and waiting right now.

 

[fieryjen]

It's normal.
It's natural.
There is never a perfect time to have children.... when the bills are paid, when the job is more stable, when this when that when this when that..... when NOTHING.
I would ask you husband point blank: do you EVER want to have children.... please be prepared if he suddenly says no.

I know he wants children. I'm absolutely certain about that, we've talked about it plenty. I know he is very nervous about being financially ready though. He grew up poor, he knows what that's like, and we have friends who just had a child, and now, through some unforeseen circumstances (allergy to mother's breastmilk and the formula, not getting a student loan but instead having to start paying them back) they are now living off their credit cards, sinking into debt, and constantly borrowing money from their parents. I think the thought of something like this happening scares him a lot.

 

[fieryjen]

Just remember to have open discussions with your husband.

If you need something from him, comfort, discussions about the baby's you will have someday, or just the reasurance that 'yes we will get pregnant in a few years dont forget to ASK for it.

Men can be really dense sometimes and they can't read your mind.

Men tend to want to fix things NOW. And he may be thinking that the only way to FIX things is to get you pregnant right now. That is why he is freaking out.

You need to tell him that you know that it is not a good time but that you have been thinking about it anyway and wishing for someday.

You also need to be direct and tell him that you just need reasurance from him and comfort: not that he has to knock you up this moment to make you happy. This will hopefully ease HIS fears about being a father RIGHT NOW and he will be more willing to start talking about 'someday' with you.

Maybe now is the time to start discussing things like how you want to raise your kids, do research on what you need to eat (folic acid) do to be healthy for when you do get pregnant. How many kids you eventually want and how to space them is a good topic too. There are all kinds of things that you can do to prepare for things down the road.

You may want to consider 'borrowing' a baby or small child from a friend or family member for practice. More than likely it will be a great experience for both of you and also give you a taste of what it is like with the diapers, getting woken up in the middle of the night, feedings and temper tantrums. It may not cool the baby longing but it will probably bring to life the true life changing experience that a child is. Both the good and the not so good.



Hopefully this will take some of the urgency out of your feelings. Just remember you need to be direct about what you need emotionally from your husband. Good luck and keep on having good dreams.

By the way to dream about babies is supposed to denote good luck!

I didn't realize it was supposed to be good luck, I never got very into the whole dream analysis thing. That's really nice to know though. I definitely appreciated the floaty, serene and very content feeling the dream left me with.

I think you've touched on my husband's main issues with this, the "fix things now" complex he's got (apparently, like many men). I'll have to keep that in mind the next time I talk to him about all this, and out more emphasis on the fact that I'm looking for emotional support more than anything right now, because I think that may be a large part of the reasons why he's so freaked out about this. You're probably dead-on with the "be more clear" thing - I thought I was being clear, but I tend to forget every once in a while how his definition of "clear" and my definition of "clear" do not match up.

We've had plenty of discussion about the way we're planning to raise our children, it tends to come up quite a bit in conversation, especially now that so many of our friends are having kids. Research on eating habits seems a good idea, thanks for mentioning it. I think that might help make me feel like I am, in some way, preparing a bit for things to come in the faraway future.

Again, thank you. That was some very helpful advice, and I really appreciate you taking the time to type all of it out.

 

[Safe_Bet]

[...]"fix things now" complex he's got (apparently, like many men). [...]

LMAO You obviously don't have a lot of experience being around butch lesbians! My Amy is the Queen of "fix things now"!

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Even at 21, when we got married, I was baby-crazy. The only reason we only had two was this little war that Johnson decided we just had to have. Then, when we really could have afforded a third, Mama had fibroids and that was the end of that idea. Some men really do dote on babies.

 

[fieryjen]

Agreed up until...the husband comment.
Ok, first off, as far as for your husband. A lot of things have just changed, new job, new home, new state to live in. Things are currently in a flux, and he's having to work at the job to ensure he lives up to his resume to them. He's also going to be a bit concerned about the move, and the issues the two of you had with the previous owner. Right now, really is probably not a great time to pressure him about kids, at least, give it a couple of months for things to settle out, please? Especially once the house is bought and done, and the two of you are actually living there.
You made note how the house is just made for kids in it. So here is a thought, its another step towards you having kids. Now you actually have a place to raise your children.
As far as college goes, you should be able to do a semester while pregnant, depending on when you became pregnant and such. And raising a child while doing college work is possible [Dad worked full time, went to college, and raised me -shrugs-].
However, I am just going to point this out. Perhaps, for him, its not a lack of desire of having a child. Remember, the male mind is still wired to provide for the family. So he may be more desiring of being more financially stable to have said child. Hell, remember the hospital bills alone can easily go over 10K. This may be, more why he wishes to wait for your 30's.
What your probably really need to do, is focus on moving into the house, and what you really want out of life. Do you desire/need your Masters more? Then perhaps focus on that a bit more, and after about a year or so of study, then think about kids [hell, time it decently right and you can be preggers the entire last semester]. But really, give some time for the house and move to settle down, then sit down and discuss this candidly with him. Explain how you feel, and explain a loose plan [don't make it very time sensitive, heh, kids come when they wanna]. Go over finances with him and give a rough idea how you two can afford to have a child. When he feels more comfortable that it can be done, without strapping the two of you too much, he may very well be more open to the idea.
Lastly, having a child is a wonderful experience. Children are meant to be cute and lovable. Just be sure, to keep both of the parents emotionally ready to have the child. Because, believe it or not, most guys actually do want to be fathers.

You're right, there's definitely a lot of other things I have to worry about right now without throwing a possible pregnancy into the mix. I know that very well, but my feelings don't seem to want to listen.

I do like the idea of sitting down and making a plan. We're both pretty logical people, and I think ordering the facts this way may actually help me too - I make tables and charts for everything. They've got a definite calming effect on me. I've been wanting to do more research on having children in general, but I was afraid that this might be one more reason for him to panic, if he sees this as me getting very serious about the idea. It seems to me like he'd see that as a huge difference - talking about something, and actively sitting down, doing research and preparing for it. So I've been afraid that if I start doing this, it might make him even more nervous.

 

[fieryjen]

I've got two you can have for as long as you want!

They also will work as a VERY effective form of birth control because they always need "attention" at the worst possible moment!

Heh, I don't doubt it.

I've been offering to babysit for my friend (the one with the money trouble) and my neighbor as well. Neither of them have ever taken me up on it though, despite the fact that they keep saying how much they'd appreciate it and that they'll definitely need me. I keep wondering whether I must seem like someone who secretly hates children or something.

But then again, maybe it's just that they prefer someone who has already had the experience of raising their own children, or at least a family member they know better. I do understand that you don't want to trust your child to just anyone. Still, the fact that neither of them ever asks me to help out has made me a bit sad.

 

[fieryjen]

I would in your place make sure I know where I stand and what I want accomplished of my life before taking the plunge.

Afterwards things become just...more difficult to achieve.

Maharat

I know I definitely want to go back to school first, and get at least as far as the Masters. That seems a long time though, especially since I know it's not going to happen until I'm at least 25, then add a minimum three years and I'll already be 28, and that's only if everything works out just perfectly with no snags (it likely won't, the greencard issue alone will likely make me wait another year before I can go back to college, so I'd be 29 or older). Then I can possibly start thinking about children, if nothing else comes up. It just seems... so long.

 

[fieryjen]

LOL no...however we'll point out that was AFTER I was born lol.

And as a side note, as many know now, I had a cousin who went through the second semester of her junior year of college preggers [kid in Aug] and another cousin who went through a semester of high school preggers so it can be done

I think some girls may be luckier than others when it comes to pregnancy, and the related symptoms and circumstances and all that. I've seen a fellow math student in college go through her last year pregnant, and I've had at least four girls in my classes at the high school that were pregnant. They were all very different about it, and some seemed to have a lot more trouble than others.

 

[fieryjen]

I'm going to get a slap if I said older aren't I? I had you pegged about 26.

And hey, whining is allowed, especially when its a) such a big issue and b) affecting you emotionally, especially in a way you didn't expect.

Sorry if I made you feel bad, it wasn't my intention at all.

No, you didn't make me feel bad at all, just put my situation in a different light, that's all. Thanks for that.

Nah, I'm used to being guessed to be a bit older, although mostly (obviously) it's the physical that does it. When I was fourteen I was consistently pegged as being around seventeen.

I wasn't actually sure how old you were, either.

I thought you might be a year or two younger than me.

 

[fieryjen]

[/COLOR]

LMAO You obviously don't have a lot of experience being around butch lesbians! My Amy is the Queen of "fix things now"!

Nope, I definitely don't. I'll take your word for it... for now anyway.

 

[fieryjen]

Even at 21, when we got married, I was baby-crazy. The only reason we only had two was this little war that Johnson decided we just had to have. Then, when we really could have afforded a third, Mama had fibroids and that was the end of that idea. Some men really do dote on babies.

I have no doubt about that. I've seen it happen, too. I'm curious to find out exactly what kind of a father S is going to be - I have no doubt he'll be great though.

 

[PMI]

My 2 cents

Hi Jen -
I have tried to read through all the advice, and must admit, I did become exhausted! I know you have responded to all, and really am in awe of you for that. I can only share my own bit of experience. When I was your age, I did not even want kids. When I was 28 or 29, I experienced an urge to have children that I could not deny. I had been waiting until we were financially/socially/emotionally etc. ready to have kids and then I experienced the notion that I would never feel myself prepared in all those ways, that I would never feel that I had enough money/time/maturity for kids. In that moment, I knew that I needed children, right then.
Fortunately for me, I was also able to convince my husband that the time was right. I don't know how it would have turned out, if he had not supported me. I don't know what I would have done. He and I talked about and agreed upon kids one and two, we both were overwhelmed with the third and forth - no kidding, the birth control that had served us so well for so many years did not work as we had expected.
In any case, I have four sons who I would not give up for a moment. Kids seem like a lot of work, but they give so much back. I am currently trying to figure out how to pay for college for them all. I think this just might be the most financially stressing time in our/their lives.

good luck to you,
PMI

 

[SlickTony]

Jen, if you wait until you are sure you can afford to have children, you will die without issue.

OTOH, you want to go ahead and get your MA NOW, if it's important to you.

When we moved to Lake Charles, I had a chance to get my MA in creative writing via an assistanceship at McNeese State and study under Robert Olen Butler. My son was 6 months old and I was tired, tired, tired. All I could think of was that my husband had just begun his TV job and wasn't making enough money to go around, most of the money I'd earn through the assistanceship would go to tuition, so that we would not be money ahead, I'd have a baby in the process of becoming ambulatory and homework to boot. It exhausted me to think of it and I didn't follow through on it.

Ah, the things that might have been...

Just sayin'.

 

[fieryjen]

Hi Jen -
I have tried to read through all the advice, and must admit, I did become exhausted! I know you have responded to all, and really am in awe of you for that. I can only share my own bit of experience. When I was your age, I did not even want kids. When I was 28 or 29, I experienced an urge to have children that I could not deny. I had been waiting until we were financially/socially/emotionally etc. ready to have kids and then I experienced the notion that I would never feel myself prepared in all those ways, that I would never feel that I had enough money/time/maturity for kids. In that moment, I knew that I needed children, right then.
Fortunately for me, I was also able to convince my husband that the time was right. I don't know how it would have turned out, if he had not supported me. I don't know what I would have done. He and I talked about and agreed upon kids one and two, we both were overwhelmed with the third and forth - no kidding, the birth control that had served us so well for so many years did not work as we had expected.
In any case, I have four sons who I would not give up for a moment. Kids seem like a lot of work, but they give so much back. I am currently trying to figure out how to pay for college for them all. I think this just might be the most financially stressing time in our/their lives.

good luck to you,
PMI

Thanks very much for your response. The insights into how other women perceived that period in their lives when they decide to have children are very interesting to read about.

I've spent some time imagining what it would be like if I found myself pregnant without having planned it - we've had a couple of scares in the past, before my baby-hormones started going crazy. Back then I found myself doubting whether I could learn how to be a mother within nine months. I think it's probably a little easier if you've already had children than when your first is a little surprise. I'm glad to hear that you don't regret a moment - though I've never heard any mother saying that she has. I do hope that once I feel I really am ready - when the emotional and the rational side agree on that, anyway - my husband will be as well.

A friend of my husband's and his ex-girlfriend have two little girls - the first one was definitely an accident (she'd already had an abortion once before), and when her mom went and wanted to get her tubes tied to prevent this from happening again, she found out she was pregnant again. She also drank and smoked pot all throughout her pregnancies because "the babies liked it". I could have strangled her.

Sorry, I'm sort of going off on tangents here... these are just some of the things that have been going through my head over and over again lately. I'm trying not to be so obsessed, but I can't seem to help it.

 

[fieryjen]

Jen, if you wait until you are sure you can afford to have children, you will die without issue.

OTOH, you want to go ahead and get your MA NOW, if it's important to you.

When we moved to Lake Charles, I had a chance to get my MA in creative writing via an assistanceship at McNeese State and study under Robert Olen Butler. My son was 6 months old and I was tired, tired, tired. All I could think of was that my husband had just begun his TV job and wasn't making enough money to go around, most of the money I'd earn through the assistanceship would go to tuition, so that we would not be money ahead, I'd have a baby in the process of becoming ambulatory and homework to boot. It exhausted me to think of it and I didn't follow through on it.

Ah, the things that might have been...

Just sayin'.

Yep, that's sort of what I'm afraid of as well. The problem I'm facing is that it really is not possible for me right now to study at a university. I'm applying for a green card. If I applied to an MA program right now, they could not consider me a citizen or permanent resident, and so I would have to fall under their international student category. But this means that I would have to apply for a visa before I could study there, which I can't do right now because it would terminate my green card process (and even if it didn't, international students pay more for the same service and get shit for benefits).

So I'm kinda stuck for now, and I'm hoping against hope that they'll get in gear and get me my green card soon.

So, knowing logically that I really should do this soon, and the fact that I can't, are driving me just the slightest bit crazy.

 

[fieryjen]

I'm going to bump this thread a little, because talking about this issue does help make me feel better, so if anyone wants to add their $.10 or just say hi feel absolutely free to do so.

I talked to the husband today. He did admit, once more, to being freaked out, and it took me quite a while to convince him that I wasn't going to go get pregnant on purpose without him agreeing to it. But I think things are a little better now. I also took to heart what some of you suggested and explained to him him that what I needed from him was understanding and reassurance about having kids eventually. I think he understood that and he took it all pretty well. Things are a little better, so I thank you all for the advice.

Of course, that doesn't change my mood and feelings about pregnancy from one day to the next, but I think his support is going to make it a lot easier for me to deal with this.

 

[Just-Legal]

No, you didn't make me feel bad at all, just put my situation in a different light, that's all. Thanks for that.

Nah, I'm used to being guessed to be a bit older, although mostly (obviously) it's the physical that does it. When I was fourteen I was consistently pegged as being around seventeen.

I wasn't actually sure how old you were, either.

I thought you might be a year or two younger than me.

I really must stop acting like a whiny brat

And I try to help. Failing miserably usually but still! (Ignore me, this diet is driving me crazy hehe)

 

[fieryjen]

I really must stop acting like a whiny brat

And I try to help. Failing miserably usually but still! (Ignore me, this diet is driving me crazy hehe)

You are helping.

And I understand about diet-induced craziness. It sucks. I hope you're feeling a bit better now.

 

[Vermilion]

Heh, I don't doubt it.

I've been offering to babysit for my friend (the one with the money trouble) and my neighbor as well. Neither of them have ever taken me up on it though, despite the fact that they keep saying how much they'd appreciate it and that they'll definitely need me. I keep wondering whether I must seem like someone who secretly hates children or something.

But then again, maybe it's just that they prefer someone who has already had the experience of raising their own children, or at least a family member they know better. I do understand that you don't want to trust your child to just anyone. Still, the fact that neither of them ever asks me to help out has made me a bit sad.

Hubby and I have offered to babysit for his sister's son countless times and never been taken up on it. Seems like, no matter how feckless the parent is themself, nobody else is good enough to care for their child... <sigh>
Again, I understand how you feel here.
x
V

 

[fieryjen]

Hubby and I have offered to babysit for his sister's son countless times and never been taken up on it. Seems like, no matter how feckless the parent is themself, nobody else is good enough to care for their child... <sigh>
Again, I understand how you feel here.
x
V

Yup, sounds very familiar. Do they also keep complaining about never being able to find a babysitter? That's really what's been annoying me a little bit.

And I don't know what "feckless" means.

 

[Safe_Bet]

And I don't know what "feckless" means.

def: feckless - A person who doesn't get laid very often because of their poor spelling abilities!