A Pregnancy Question

[fieryjen]

This is a bit long... I'm sorry about that, it just sort of poured out.


My husband just told me that one of his friends, P., and P's girlfriend, are going to have a baby. I should be shocked. And I kinda am, but not in the right way, if that makes any sense.

And P is just about the worst person in the world to be a father with where he's at in his life. I thought it was a joke at first. The guy deals drugs (he said he'd quit, but... I've known him for a while. I'm very skeptical). He lives with his parents (that's actually a positive thing when it comes to the welfare of the future little one). He's terribly self-centered, and the way he acts would have you believe he's still in middle school. I've known him for quite some time now, and the thought of him being a father... it just doesn't work out in my mind. I'm very nervous about that whole situation, and I'm sorta glad I won't be around to witness the drama.

But the thing is, my first reaction wasn't the shock. It was a weird sort of longing and jealousy and sadness. And those emotions are starting to overwhelm me, much as I don't want them to.

My rational side knows this is a bad time. That I need to get my schooling done, get some money put away, get a head start on getting the student loan debts paid off that we still have. But at the same time, this feeling of wanting to be a mother is getting to the point where I'm having a really hard time just ignoring it. I cried earlier today. I'm worried too. I haven't had my period in over three months. Considering how irregular it's been whenever I haven't been on birth control, I wonder whether I won't have a terribly hard time getting pregnant once we do try.

My husband doesn't understand the way I feel. Whenever I mention it, he keeps telling me all the reasons why it's a good idea for us to wait for quite a few more years. I know these reasons, but they're not making me feel better about this. He also was not a fan when I told him that if I got pregnant right now, there was no way I would not keep the baby, and he tried to talk sense into me. I don't feel very understood right now. Everyone I know in real life either doesn't want to be a mother, they're pregnant or they already have a child. I can't find anyone to talk to about this who doesn't get nervous when I bring this up.

I guess what I'm wondering is this: Is it even normal for me to get so depressed about this? Is this going to go away? Am I nuts for wanting to get pregnant at the worst possible time in my life, with a husband who thinks we're way, way too young for this? What the hell is going on with me?

 

[whitneypinch]

Hello, I am a recently divorced father of two little angels. I have a daughter 5 and a son 3. My wife just picked up and left. We had been married 7 years and only fought in the last 6 months. She really never said too much to me.
So, my advice to you is this. If it is important to you then DO WHATEVER IT TAKES for him to understand how important it is to you. If he keeps blowing you off keep at him until he understands. If not it will fester within you and become a problem later.
Please take my advice. I don't want another divorce to happen. You can't imagine the pain I and my kids are in right now. It's more than I thought humanly possible !!!!

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Is it even normal for me to get so depressed about this? Is this going to go away? Am I nuts for wanting to get pregnant at the worst possible time in my life, with a husband who thinks we're way, way too young for this? What the hell is going on with me?

Totally normal... that biological clock really does tick, for many women, and for some it starts really really early. Wanting it doesn't mean you have to go do it, though. You know that. All through your twenties is prime fertility. You have plenty of time. Lots of women who are irregular still get pregnant.

Just acknowledge the feelings, be aware of them, talk with hubby if he's supportive, or a friend if he can't "get" it. Explore what you REALLY want. Think about the pros and cons. If it's something you DO want and think you can handle right now, go for it. If it's not... wait. You'll make the right choice for you.

 

[Elenia26]

I guess what I'm wondering is this: Is it even normal for me to get so depressed about this? Is this going to go away? Am I nuts for wanting to get pregnant at the worst possible time in my life, with a husband who thinks we're way, way too young for this? What the hell is going on with me?

First of all, you are perfectly normal.
Secondly, will it go away? Hmm. Difficult to say. You are fixated on this baby right now. If you could convince yourself, it might be different. But you may not be able to. That's nothing against you. I have heard of how strong the biological clock is for some woman.
How old are you?
If you're less than, say, 25, I definitely recommend waiting. You'll be able to give the baby a better life.
Between 25 and 30, it's probably a good age to start thinking and planning and maybe even getting pregnant...provided everyone is on board.
Over 30...well, you can still wait until your late 30s. Talk to your doctor, it gets more dangerous every year.

It is NOT a good idea to pressure him and I'm going to go completely against the other guy. If you force him to acquiesce, do you not think it will fester in him? You need to have a serious talk with him. Maybe if you can get a more definite timeline in your head you'll feel better.

And to be brutally honest, I would MUCH rather see you guys divorce because you really want a kid and he doesn't than for you to have kids when you really want to and he doesn't...you see how that works? In the first place it's just you and him. In the second place, you have an innocent life held hostage to you. But make it clear how important it is to you.

And lastly, personally? Finish your schooling so you can give your little one a wonderful place in life.

 

[Sweet_Madness]

Give it time

They call it a biological clock for a reason love, the same thing is happening to me. I'm 24, and I know in my heart that I don't even want to think about kids till I'm 30 but that doesn't stop me from cooing a every little baby I see on the street or fantasizing about being held down and impregnated by... well, I better not go there, you get the picture lol... the point is it's only natural, so don't beat yourself up. Trying to control your emotions is like trying to strangle Jello...

 

[3113]

He doesn't want a baby yet...or at all?

I guess what I'm wondering is this: Is it even normal for me to get so depressed about this? Is this going to go away? Am I nuts for wanting to get pregnant at the worst possible time in my life, with a husband who thinks we're way, way too young for this? What the hell is going on with me?

I think the important question is: do you feel, and I mean feel, not think, that your husband really thinks the two of you are not ready for the baby, or do you feel that he doesn't want a child at all?

It's all right for you to feel depressed that someone has something you want. It's all right to feel depressed that you can't have what you want when you want it. And it's all right to feel depressed that things seem to be moving slowly and your goal seems far away. These are common feelings, and all that needs to be done is to get your husband to understand them and sympathize with them, which he *will* if you put them in that context rather than "I want a baby now!" context and panic him.

You do not want to panic the father of your child. He'll be scared anyway on the day you do get pregnant, but you want him to be onboard with you, taking this journey with you to parenthood, not feeling resentful because you made a decision that involved the two of you and will change your lives forever, without his consent. Bringing a baby into the world is not like deciding to buy a new car. The car can be taken back if it's a bad decision. The baby cannot. And for the baby's sake if not yours, he/she should have a loving father.

So be sure that the waiting what you feel depressed about, as that can be discussed with him without scaring him, and can get you his understanding, support and sympathy. If, however, you're sensing that your husband doesn't want children at all, then that's a much deeper problem that has to be discussed, possibly with a therapist.

 

[fieryjen]

Hello, I am a recently divorced father of two little angels. I have a daughter 5 and a son 3. My wife just picked up and left. We had been married 7 years and only fought in the last 6 months. She really never said too much to me.
So, my advice to you is this. If it is important to you then DO WHATEVER IT TAKES for him to understand how important it is to you. If he keeps blowing you off keep at him until he understands. If not it will fester within you and become a problem later.
Please take my advice. I don't want another divorce to happen. You can't imagine the pain I and my kids are in right now. It's more than I thought humanly possible !!!!

Thanks for your concern. I'm very sorry about what you are forced to go through right now, and I hope for all the best for you.

My husband and I communicate very well, I just think this is something he can't quite understand because, biologically, he just doesn't tick that way. I don't think we're in any danger of divorce over this issue, but it's still something very major to me that I don't know how to deal with right now. It's not just my husband who is an obstacle to having a child right now... it's our circumstances, and the fact that rationally, I know it's not a good idea. I couldn't, in good conscience, make the decision to try and become pregnant right now without feeling like I was doing the wrong thing.

 

[fieryjen]

Totally normal... that biological clock really does tick, for many women, and for some it starts really really early. Wanting it doesn't mean you have to go do it, though. You know that. All through your twenties is prime fertility. You have plenty of time. Lots of women who are irregular still get pregnant.

Just acknowledge the feelings, be aware of them, talk with hubby if he's supportive, or a friend if he can't "get" it. Explore what you REALLY want. Think about the pros and cons. If it's something you DO want and think you can handle right now, go for it. If it's not... wait. You'll make the right choice for you.

Thank you. Reading this is actually very encouraging, maybe just because I feel a lot more understood than I did five minutes ago.

I think the more I am confronted with this, the more this urgency about wanting to be a mother develops. The house we are buying is just made for a family with kids, and looking at it gave me this feeling of longing in the pit of my stomach that just hasn't been going away lately. I am usually a very rational, logical person, and having these feelings as strong as they've been in very overwhelming, because they go so much against the rational conviction I have that I should wait about this.

I just can't seem to fully convince myself that getting pregnant right now would be a bad thing. I have enough self-control not to do anything stupid, but that's where the sadness stems from.

 

[Safe_Bet]

[...] My rational side knows this is a bad time. That I need to get my schooling done, get some money put away, get a head start on getting the student loan debts paid off that we still have. But at the same time, this feeling of wanting to be a mother is getting to the point where I'm having a really hard time just ignoring it. [...]

Tough call, but I'd suggest waiting until you graduate. The stress of school is not conducive to getting pregnant and it sure isn't good for a developing baby. We waited until I was 27 and that has worked out exceptionally well. Selena_Kitt's right. You got plenty of time, hun.

I also agree VERY much with Elenia26. Unless you BOTH want a baby it will be a bitch. Babies DESERVE a loving home where they can be nurtured. In my opinion, the most caring homes have two parents (in my case they are both women), but the point still stands.

I do understand the ticking clock thing though. Most women want very much to be mothers. It sucks, you have back aches from hell, you throw up like hell and you look like a beached whale from hell. Then, after you go through the pain of giving birth, you smell like baby vomit for the next year or so. I wouldn’t give that up for the world!

P.S. I went in for an IUI a week and a half ago, so I’m most likely preggers with my third (first two were twin girls = talk about back aches, uggh!). It IS really wonderful. )

 

[fieryjen]

First of all, you are perfectly normal.
Secondly, will it go away? Hmm. Difficult to say. You are fixated on this baby right now. If you could convince yourself, it might be different. But you may not be able to. That's nothing against you. I have heard of how strong the biological clock is for some woman.
How old are you?
If you're less than, say, 25, I definitely recommend waiting. You'll be able to give the baby a better life.
Between 25 and 30, it's probably a good age to start thinking and planning and maybe even getting pregnant...provided everyone is on board.
Over 30...well, you can still wait until your late 30s. Talk to your doctor, it gets more dangerous every year.

It is NOT a good idea to pressure him and I'm going to go completely against the other guy. If you force him to acquiesce, do you not think it will fester in him? You need to have a serious talk with him. Maybe if you can get a more definite timeline in your head you'll feel better.

And to be brutally honest, I would MUCH rather see you guys divorce because you really want a kid and he doesn't than for you to have kids when you really want to and he doesn't...you see how that works? In the first place it's just you and him. In the second place, you have an innocent life held hostage to you. But make it clear how important it is to you.

And lastly, personally? Finish your schooling so you can give your little one a wonderful place in life.

Thanks for your advice. I'm trying very hard not to be fixated on a baby, but I think it's just been overwhelming me a bit.

I am 24 years old. I've been out of college for a year, but I do want to go back and get my Masters once I get a chance.

My husband does want children as well, he just doesn't want them now. He wants to wait until we are both in our thirties (he's two and a half years older than me). That seems an impossibly long time to me right now. I definitely don't want to pressure him, and that's really not the type of person I am at all. I understand perfectly well why he wants to wait. I'm sad because I know he's right, and having to accept that now is not the time does hurt.

 

[fieryjen]

They call it a biological clock for a reason love, the same thing is happening to me. I'm 24, and I know in my heart that I don't even want to think about kids till I'm 30 but that doesn't stop me from cooing a every little baby I see on the street or fantasizing about being held down and impregnated by... well, I better not go there, you get the picture lol... the point is it's only natural, so don't beat yourself up. Trying to control your emotions is like trying to strangle Jello...

Lol, thanks.

I think what's really throwing me is that I used to be the opposite - I never had an interest in dolls when I was little, and when I was seventeen I held a baby for the first time. I stared dumbly at it and gave it back. I thought it was sorta cute, but I didn't get what the fuss was about at all. I really did not use to be the motherly type at all. I was never really into babies, and not a huge fan of playing with them and all.

Over the past five to eight months or so, that's done a complete 180. My interest has suddenly shot through the roof, one of my friends now has a son and I never want to stop playing with the little guy, or holding him. I've begun to have pregnancy dreams too, which I've never had before. Happy pregnancy dreams, I should specify, just about being pregnant and being a mother, and I'd always wake up smiling. It's strange to me how suddenly my feelings changed.

 

[sophia jane]

Lol, thanks.

I think what's really throwing me is that I used to be the opposite - I never had an interest in dolls when I was little, and when I was seventeen I held a baby for the first time. I stared dumbly at it and gave it back. I thought it was sorta cute, but I didn't get what the fuss was about at all. I really did not use to be the motherly type at all. I was never really into babies, and not a huge fan of playing with them and all.

Over the past five to eight months or so, that's done a complete 180. My interest has suddenly shot through the roof, one of my friends now has a son and I never want to stop playing with the little guy, or holding him. I've begun to have pregnancy dreams too, which I've never had before. Happy pregnancy dreams, I should specify, just about being pregnant and being a mother, and I'd always wake up smiling. It's strange to me how suddenly my feelings changed.

It really is normal to feel the way you do. I suspect you'll find that it comes and goes over the next several years.

I can relate to the pregnancy dreams. I want another baby, but I'm all done, so it makes me a little sad sometimes especially when I wake up from dreaming of having another one.

 

[fieryjen]

I think the important question is: do you feel, and I mean feel, not think, that your husband really thinks the two of you are not ready for the baby, or do you feel that he doesn't want a child at all?

It's all right for you to feel depressed that someone has something you want. It's all right to feel depressed that you can't have what you want when you want it. And it's all right to feel depressed that things seem to be moving slowly and your goal seems far away. These are common feelings, and all that needs to be done is to get your husband to understand them and sympathize with them, which he *will* if you put them in that context rather than "I want a baby now!" context and panic him.

You do not want to panic the father of your child. He'll be scared anyway on the day you do get pregnant, but you want him to be onboard with you, taking this journey with you to parenthood, not feeling resentful because you made a decision that involved the two of you and will change your lives forever, without his consent. Bringing a baby into the world is not like deciding to buy a new car. The car can be taken back if it's a bad decision. The baby cannot. And for the baby's sake if not yours, he/she should have a loving father.

So be sure that the waiting what you feel depressed about, as that can be discussed with him without scaring him, and can get you his understanding, support and sympathy. If, however, you're sensing that your husband doesn't want children at all, then that's a much deeper problem that has to be discussed, possibly with a therapist.

My husband definitely wants children as well. That's luckily not something we've ever disagreed about. I did sense a degree of panic from him when I told him about the sort of feelings I'd been having, which did, of course, not exactly brighten my mood. I see your point though, that he might be worried about me making this choice without him, which I don't plan on doing. I want to have a baby because we both want to have a baby... I would feel very low giving in to those urges in an underhanded way. That doesn't make them go away, sadly.

I am honestly thinking about getting a kitten to satisfy some of the mothering instinct, though I'm honestly not sure whether that would be of any help.

 

[fieryjen]

Tough call, but I'd suggest waiting until you graduate. The stress of school is not conducive to getting pregnant and it sure isn't good for a developing baby. We waited until I was 27 and that has worked out exceptionally well. Selena_Kitt's right. You got plenty of time, hun.

I also agree VERY much with Elenia26. Unless you BOTH want a baby it will be a bitch. Babies DESERVE a loving home where they can be nurtured. In my opinion, the most caring homes have two parents (in my case they are both women), but the point still stands.

I do understand the ticking clock thing though. Most women want very much to be mothers. It sucks, you have back aches from hell, you throw up like hell and you look like a beached whale from hell. Then, after you go through the pain of giving birth, you smell like baby vomit for the next year or so. I wouldn’t give that up for the world!

P.S. I went in for an IUI a week and a half ago, so I’m most likely preggers with my third (first two were twin girls = talk about back aches, uggh!). It IS really wonderful. )

Well congrats if that turns out to be the case.

Thanks very much for taking the time to give me some advice about this. I've always been so rational about the whole thing - logically, I'm aware that it's not a decision to be taken lightly. I know the freedom of spontaneity goes kaboom. I know sleep does, too. It's a drain on the mind, the body and the finances. I just wish that all of me was listening to these arguments, not just the rational half (which seems to be getting smaller than half, by the way, seeing how overwhelmed I'm feeling by this).

I asked my mom, who told me she was never like this. She got pregnant with me ( the older one) when she was 34. She seems just as freaked out as my husband.

 

[fieryjen]

It really is normal to feel the way you do. I suspect you'll find that it comes and goes over the next several years.

I can relate to the pregnancy dreams. I want another baby, but I'm all done, so it makes me a little sad sometimes especially when I wake up from dreaming of having another one.

*hugs*

Thank you. Can I come talk to you in person about this some time? I think that might help a lot as well, seeing how nobody around me in real life seems to understand me on this.

 

[sophia jane]

*hugs*

Thank you. Can I come talk to you in person about this some time? I think that might help a lot as well, seeing how nobody around me in real life seems to understand me on this.

Of course! And I can guarantee you Logo can relate, too.

 

[fieryjen]

Of course! And I can guarantee you Logo can relate, too.

Thanks.

I think the change of scenery is going to do me good. I'll have lots of other things to stress and worry about, and too much to do to think about this non-stop. And having you two around I think will be just great.

 

[Just-Legal]

Is it wrong this is the first time I realised we're the same age? *headdesk*

You know my situation. I can *completely* understand the deep, almost overwhelming urge to want a child. Every time I hear one of my old friends is pregnant, its like a punch to the gut. I'm not gonna advise you one way or the other, because in the end its you and hubby who have to work it out. So I'm just gonna *hug* you lots and offer an ear.

 

[fieryjen]

Is it wrong this is the first time I realised we're the same age? *headdesk*

You know my situation. I can *completely* understand the deep, almost overwhelming urge to want a child. Every time I hear one of my old friends is pregnant, its like a punch to the gut. I'm not gonna advise you one way or the other, because in the end its you and hubby who have to work it out. So I'm just gonna *hug* you lots and offer an ear.

Thanks Helen. I very much appreciate that. You're making me slowly realize that my situation is really not something to whine about at all.


I'm curious now: Did you think I was older or younger than you?

 

[nicole_quinn26]

Well I'm glad everyone has already said this is normal because I've been dealing with the same feelings as you for a few years. Yeah I mean obviously that's silly given my age(23) and lack of husband(lol working on that... much to his dismay! haha ) but a lot of people I know and friends(younger or same age) are having babies. I think a lot of times when it's going on around you, you want it that much more. I'm aware some women don't have that whole maternal kick in them but most of us do. So when you see people you don't think are deserving or even people that are having babies it's kinda hard not to go 'I want one!'

Wait till schools over, I watched my friend J go though school pregnant and bless her she did it but it was a really hard time. It was a lot to balance.

If you and hubbie both want them then at least you know that he's not just backing out. I think when it's time you'll both know and it'll feel right. At least that's what I'd like to think will happen to me in a few years.

 

[Guest]

I guess what I'm wondering is this: Is it even normal for me to get so depressed about this? Is this going to go away? Am I nuts for wanting to get pregnant at the worst possible time in my life, with a husband who thinks we're way, way too young for this? What the hell is going on with me?

It's normal.
It's natural.
There is never a perfect time to have children.... when the bills are paid, when the job is more stable, when this when that when this when that..... when NOTHING.
I would ask you husband point blank: do you EVER want to have children.... please be prepared if he suddenly says no.

 

[Emerald_Dragon]

Just remember to have open discussions with your husband.

If you need something from him, comfort, discussions about the baby's you will have someday, or just the reasurance that 'yes we will get pregnant in a few years dont forget to ASK for it.

Men can be really dense sometimes and they can't read your mind.

Men tend to want to fix things NOW. And he may be thinking that the only way to FIX things is to get you pregnant right now. That is why he is freaking out.

You need to tell him that you know that it is not a good time but that you have been thinking about it anyway and wishing for someday.

You also need to be direct and tell him that you just need reasurance from him and comfort: not that he has to knock you up this moment to make you happy. This will hopefully ease HIS fears about being a father RIGHT NOW and he will be more willing to start talking about 'someday' with you.

Maybe now is the time to start discussing things like how you want to raise your kids, do research on what you need to eat (folic acid) do to be healthy for when you do get pregnant. How many kids you eventually want and how to space them is a good topic too. There are all kinds of things that you can do to prepare for things down the road.

You may want to consider 'borrowing' a baby or small child from a friend or family member for practice. More than likely it will be a great experience for both of you and also give you a taste of what it is like with the diapers, getting woken up in the middle of the night, feedings and temper tantrums. It may not cool the baby longing but it will probably bring to life the true life changing experience that a child is. Both the good and the not so good.



Hopefully this will take some of the urgency out of your feelings. Just remember you need to be direct about what you need emotionally from your husband. Good luck and keep on having good dreams.

By the way to dream about babies is supposed to denote good luck!

 

[JagFarlane]

It's normal.
It's natural.
There is never a perfect time to have children.... when the bills are paid, when the job is more stable, when this when that when this when that..... when NOTHING.
I would ask you husband point blank: do you EVER want to have children.... please be prepared if he suddenly says no.

Agreed up until...the husband comment.
Ok, first off, as far as for your husband. A lot of things have just changed, new job, new home, new state to live in. Things are currently in a flux, and he's having to work at the job to ensure he lives up to his resume to them. He's also going to be a bit concerned about the move, and the issues the two of you had with the previous owner. Right now, really is probably not a great time to pressure him about kids, at least, give it a couple of months for things to settle out, please? Especially once the house is bought and done, and the two of you are actually living there.
You made note how the house is just made for kids in it. So here is a thought, its another step towards you having kids. Now you actually have a place to raise your children.
As far as college goes, you should be able to do a semester while pregnant, depending on when you became pregnant and such. And raising a child while doing college work is possible [Dad worked full time, went to college, and raised me -shrugs-].
However, I am just going to point this out. Perhaps, for him, its not a lack of desire of having a child. Remember, the male mind is still wired to provide for the family. So he may be more desiring of being more financially stable to have said child. Hell, remember the hospital bills alone can easily go over 10K. This may be, more why he wishes to wait for your 30's.
What your probably really need to do, is focus on moving into the house, and what you really want out of life. Do you desire/need your Masters more? Then perhaps focus on that a bit more, and after about a year or so of study, then think about kids [hell, time it decently right and you can be preggers the entire last semester]. But really, give some time for the house and move to settle down, then sit down and discuss this candidly with him. Explain how you feel, and explain a loose plan [don't make it very time sensitive, heh, kids come when they wanna]. Go over finances with him and give a rough idea how you two can afford to have a child. When he feels more comfortable that it can be done, without strapping the two of you too much, he may very well be more open to the idea.
Lastly, having a child is a wonderful experience. Children are meant to be cute and lovable. Just be sure, to keep both of the parents emotionally ready to have the child. Because, believe it or not, most guys actually do want to be fathers.

 

[Safe_Bet]

[...]You may want to consider 'borrowing' a baby or small child from a friend or family member for practice. More than likely it will be a great experience for both of you and also give you a taste of what it is like with the diapers, getting woken up in the middle of the night, feedings and temper tantrums. It may not cool the baby longing but it will probably bring to life the true life changing experience that a child is. Both the good and the not so good.[...]

I've got two you can have for as long as you want!

They also will work as a VERY effective form of birth control because they always need "attention" at the worst possible moment!

 

[Safe_Bet]

[...] And raising a child while doing college work is possible [Dad worked full time, went to college, and raised me -shrugs-].
[...]

LMAO For some reason, I doubt "Dad" had killer backaches, had to pee every 5 minutes or had to sit through the class sideways cuz his belly wouldn't fit behind the desk!

(I'm in complete accordance with everything else, but that really cracked me up.)