A Joke A Day

[Wkd_Macey]

Toilet Humour

I had to go to a public loo the other day, and I was sitting there, doing my thing and the woman in the next cubicle said "Hello dear."

I was puzzled but I said "Hello."

Then she said, "How are you getting on?"

I said, "Fine thanks." 'Weird', I thought.

Then she said, "Sorry love. I'll have to call you back. The tw*t in the next cubicle keeps answering everything I say."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Doctor, Doctor,

A guy goes to see his doctor and says "Doctor, please help me. I have this terrible problem with flatulence. I seem to be farting all the time, but they don't smell." The doctor asks him what foods he usually eats, and as he reels off a list of fairly normal foods he lets one fly.

"Sorry Doctor," he says. "This seems to happen to me all the time. It's only the noise it makes that's the problem though, because they don't smell."

The doctor tells him "Well, I can give you some pills for the flatulence, but I'll have to recommend surgery for your nose."
"My Nose?" the man said. "I didn't say anything about my nose!
"I know," the doctor told him, " but they smell awful!"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Drinking and Grieving...

I've been reading a lot about the terrible effects of drinking and it worried me so much I decided to give up reading.

My grief counsellor died recently, but luckily he was so good I didn't give a shit.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Shopping experience

A little boy was all alone and crying in the Supermarket. A supervisor came up and asked him what was the matter.
"I've lost my mummy," he cried.
The supervisor said, "OK. Let's see if we can find her together. What's she like?"
The lad replied, "Big dicks and vodka."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Loving partner...

I took a course on how to be a more sensitive lover by improving your foreplay technique.
They gave me a DVD which was quite good, after I'd gone fast forward through the boring bit at the beginning.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

One Liners...

The newlyweds next door have recently starred in a sex tape. Obviously they don't know that yet...

I once went on a barging holiday. We don't have a boat - we just ran along pushing people into the canal.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Meetings...

The clairvoyant society meeting scheduled for this evening has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

My dad went to a premature ejaculation society meeting last night but he came back early (no - that bit wasn't the joke). Turns out it was tomorrow.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

For Christmas...

Every Christmas we have Pigs in Blankets - or as you probably call it, relatives sleeping in the spare room.

There's a tradition developed in my house that we always have a Christmas jumper. It's usually my job to talk them down.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Christmas Morning.

A man had two sons. One was a pessimist and one was an optimist. For Christmas he bought the pessimist a new bike and for the optimist he bought a shovel and a half ton of horse manure.

On Christmas morning, his sons were up early as usual. The pessimist had unwraped his new bike and was kicking it, complaining that he didn't like the colour and the seat was uncomfortable and the bell sounded tinny and the wheels were chrome and he wanted black.

Meanwhile the optimist was out in the yard with his shovel, up to his neck in horse manure saying, "There must be a pony in here somewhere!"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Porn Films...

If you watch a porn film backwards, it's about a man who Hoovers sperm off a woman, then they have sex for a few minutes, then he breaks her washing machine and leaves.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Christmas Presents...

My girlfriend's dog died on Christmas Eve, so I got her an identical one.
She was livid. She asked me, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Marital Aids...

I was looking around in a sex shop and I saw a dildo that was described as nine inches long and realistic.
I thought, 'Which is it?'

 

[Wkd_Macey]

School days...

My Grandad went down in history.
On another occasion he fingered a girl in geography.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Days of Old...

I think it's so sad that the word Legend has been devalued from majestically pulling a sword from a stone, to unexpectedly returning with crisps.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Alternative Pleasure...

My girlfriend said she wanted to try some new condoms with something special inside to boost her pleasure.
I said "Ooohh, what's that?"
She said "Men's cocks."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Cold Comfort...

My girlfriend was bending over to reach something in the bottom of the chest freezer. She looked really tempting so I sneaked up behind her and grabbed her hips, sliding my hands up and down her thighs.

She didn't stop me so I slid my arms around her and began kissing her neck and nibbling her ear. She turned around and smiled and kissed me. One thing led to another and we ended up making love... right there on top of the freezer.

It was amazing, but sadly now we're banned from that supermarket.

 

[PapaRomantic]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

http://www.primecurves.com/cassandra-milk-bath/10.jpg

 

[barefootgirl69]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to comfort her 95 year old grandmother.

When she asked how grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. "

Horrified, Katie told her that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," grandmother replied. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would ring. It was just the right rhythm, nice and slow and even. Nothing strenuous, simply in with the ding and out with the dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, "He would still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[Pantyboy74]

A guy walks into a bar at the top floor of large skyscraper and asks for a strong one. He drinks up and asks for another one. After quite a lot of drinks he walks over to a table where there are two men sitting, talking and drinking. "I'll bet you guys 5000 bucks I can jump out that window and land safely on street below!"

The two men look at each other then agree to accept the bet. So the drunk walks to the window and jumps out. The two men can hardly believe their own eyes when they see him land safely on the street and again enter the building. "How'd you do it?!" they ask in amazement when he enters the bar again.

"Well, you see." the drunk replies. "There is this ventilation shaft straight below this window, and the stream of air is so strong, it slows you down enough to land safely on the grid. Why don't you try it yourselves?"

So, both the men hurry to the window and jump out, facing certain death as they hit the street at high speed.

At this point, the bartender walks up to the drunk and says: "You know what, Superman? You can be a real bastard when you're drunk!"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

A guy walks into a bar at the top floor of large skyscraper ....

Ha Ha - Love it.
That deserves another

I love fine dry weather.
I get so excited I wet my plants.

 

[GarrettTX1]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Oh... A contest you want, do you?

OK

Two nuns were at the seaside, and as they wanted to enjoy themselves they went dressed in normal clothes. Some lads began paying Sister Mary some unwanted attention, and even though she had asked them nicely to leave her alone, they still persisted.

Sister Janet tried to help by asking the lads to leave them alone too, but they still kept on pestering them. In the end, it occurred to Sister Janet that, if the lads knew they were nuns they would surely stop bothering them, so she said to Sister Mary, Show them your cross.

Sister Mary promptly turned to the lads and shouted angrily "Leave us alone you f***ing morons!"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Food for Thought...

I refuse to eat anything labelled Reformed Ham, as I don't think it's fair that the animals are slaughtered just when they're getting their lives back on track.

 

[toofargone]

These are good

 

[lacandy]

I heard a really funny one this morning that you guys can use...

Guy - What has a little dick and hangs down?

Other - What?

Guy - A bat. What has a big dick and hangs up?

Other - What?

***CLICK***