A BDSM safe call and my mother: an unfortunate intersection

[cymbidia]

Last Monday evening around dinnertime and quite on the spur of the moment, i decided to drive for an hour in one direction to meet a potential Dom who would drive for an hour from another direction so we could meet in person and talk awhile.

No touching.
Nothing sexual.
Just talk to see if our interests actually coincided, as they seemed to.

I got into my car and headed out of town. About 10 minutes into the drive i realized that i needed what BDSM'ers refer to as a "safe call". (That's someone who knows where we're going and whom we'll be meeting, and has the duty to call us during the meeting at a particular time to insure all is well. This call works to protect both sub and Dom/me from any potentially scary accusations or real trouble if always used.)

Anyway, i needed a safe call cuz i was going to meet with someone i really didn't know that well, had never met f2f before, and we were going to go get a coke and just talk - probably in a somewhat secluded area. (Out loud and public discussions of BDSM principles and experiences tend to shock that cute couple sitting at the next table and serve to inhibit us in our getting-to-know-you phase.)

I dug out my phone and called Risia.
Busy.
Busy.
Busy.
Busy.
Busy.
Busy.
Busy.
Busy.
Busy.
Busy.
Busy.
Busy.

FUCK! i screamed out loud in my car. Isn't she ever offline? (She and i have a system all worked out, btw, and i just didn't have her cell # with me, only her land line. I blew it, not her.)

I was a half hour from the meeting site.

I decided to call Ruby, the only other Lit member whose number had programmed into my cell.
No answer.
No answer.
No answer.

Risia.
Busy.
Busy.
Busy.

Ruby.
No answer.
No answer.
No answer.

Risia.
Busy.

Ruby.
No answer.

Risia.
Busy

Ruby.
No answer.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

15 minutes from the meeting place and i was late. I didn't think he would be. I detest being late; it stresses me out.

Risia.
Busy.

Ruby.
No answer.

10 minutes.

I called my mother.
I had to tell my mother (i came out to her about being a masosub last summer so at least this wasn't a total shock to her) what i was doing and ask her to give me a call at 8:30, an hour into our meeting. She, having been invited into my life, wanted some details. Tomorrow, i promised her, as the lights of the town in which we were to meet came into view. Gotta go. Love you Mom. Thanks.

We met, this unknown but interesting Dom and i. Precisely at 8:30 my mother did the safe call. She grilled me, him listening to my side with amusement. Then she wanted to talk to him. I do *not* know what she said to him, and i didn't ask, but i finally said loudly, for her benefit, that it was time to say goodbye now.

Nothing will come of things between that Dom and me; we aren't well matched. However, i've now got every phone number from every Lit friend i have programmed into my cell phone. Yes, including both of Risia's numbers.

I'm not going to use my mother as a safe call again. It was... humiliating, and there's some stuff one doesn't really want to tal about with one's mother, you know? I told Risia it was all her fault i had to use my mother as a safe call, too, and she felt bad (for about three seconds).

The things one has to do to practice (potentially) safe sex these days...

 

[Azwed]

Thats a great story Cym. I could never be that open with my mom about anything like that

I am glad you are feeling better and if I ever get a cell phone in the near future you could gladly use me for a safe call.

 

[Marxist]

Reminds me of the calling mom scene from "Almost Famous"....

 

[Rubyfruit]

LOL - OMG, cym, I thought it was bad telling my mom I was a lesbian (surprise!), and then telling her I wasn't (surprise), and then telling her I was bi (utter confusion).

Ok, I'm pm'ing you my home phone number now. You only had my cell, which I only keep on when I'm out of the house (which, frankly, isn't enough). So, program *this* one into your cell darling.

 

[freakygirl]

Cym.. want my cell phone number?



trying any excuse to get her phone number..

 

[Azwed]

Cym.. want my cell phone number?



trying any excuse to get her phone number..

You too huh?

 

[april-wine]

Hmmmmmm I am still laughing here cym........Offering my services lol.........I have cable internet, lol.....................

 

[lavender]

 

[freakygirl]

You too huh?

SSSSshhhhhh that was a secret..

 

[Debbie]

I am proud of you Cymbidia. You kept yourself safe and I am so sorry that there is a smile on my face at the thought of your Mum wanting to talk to him.
Ain't Mums special people?

 

[cymbidia]

About those safe calls...

I asked my mother - and would have asked Risia (who knows about this, at least) and Ruby (who may not) - to act as a safe call for me at the last minute.

That was an irresponsible and dangerous thing for me to do and i'll try hard not to do that again.

While the story makes for a good giggle, the breaches of protocol are pretty serious, especially for the person responsible for making that safe call because that person has responsibilities that go far beyond just placing the call.

If there's no answer, that person has to assume something has gone wrong and call the local police to alert them to the potential for a serious problem.

If there is an answer but all is not well, as evidenced by the answer one gets to the question "How are things going?" or "Are you okay?", then one must be prepared to call the cops just on those suspicions or, if nearby, personally intercede.

There have been cases where stalkers, bad guys, used BDSM ads (and regular singles ads, too, i'd guess) to lure women - subs - into a very dangerous and potentially deathly situation. The person entrusted with placing the safe call has to act in defense of the sub, has to be her safety, for real.

Not that any of you would think it so, but being responsible for placing a safe call isn't just a little giggle call in the middle of someone's date.


If you're asked to be a safe call for someone, me or any of us, you need to know about the scope of your responsibilities. No one does all of these all the time; that would be... unworkable. But all of us do some of them all the time. To do otherwise would be plain stupid and dangerous.

http://members.aol.com/l8lydeena/safecalls.html

 

[Rubyfruit]

Luck was on my side

When I met my first Master.

I told nobody. I lived alone and met him alone.

I was lucky he was a good guy.

 

[april-wine]

Thanks for the info cym, though there was a little humour there in your first post I now understand the importance......

Again if needed, you know where I am......

 

[RisiaSkye]

cym, as usual, you make a good point. (So, I guess I'll let you off the hook for, as you put it, slandering me all over Lit.)

I AM a responsible safe-caller. If I had known, I would have taken that reponsibility seriously, and followed through. This makes a funny story because cym's safe-caller *didn't* fail her, and she *did* come out of the situation okay. But, it could have been dangerous, and it could have ended badly.

cym knows better, and generally behaves responsibly. In most respects, she's more concerned with safety than most of us. If even she can easily forget, probably we all should keep in mind how this *could* have gone. It's not paranoid to be prepared, and always have someone watching your back.

 

[LadyDarkFire]

Cym, if you need another person on that list, I'd be glad to help. I'm usually at home, and I have 3 lines that I'm reachable on (DSL, the one thing I like about Pac Bell). I'm definately glad that you are all right, even if you're going to have to have some interesting conversations with your mother from here on out.

 

[KillerMuffin]

cymbi, I'm usually home when you're on your way out. 2 hours ahead. I'll be it, tell me what you want me to do. And go ahead and call whenever, by the by, the StudMuffin has been fully briefed not to give you grief. He promised.

 

[fgarvb1]

I'm glad it all worked out cymbidia. (weg, about forced to call your mother).

I read up on safe calls. I'm scratching my head trying to figure why i already knew all of this already. I'm going email the link to a friend of mine, so thanks for sharing.