❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[Paul_Chance]

Monday Question:

How critical is your kink to your overall life satisfaction?
Could you be happy in a relationship that does not include kink? Is it just sex for you or an important part of how you see yourself?

It plays a part in overall life satisfaction, but I would say it is a relatively small percent, maybe 5% or so. I think there are a lot more things that play as significant, if not more significant roles in my overall life satisfaction - spirituality, family, friends, work content, work associates, hobbies, interests, life style, etc.

I can (and have) been happy in relationships without kink. For me, the kink is pretty much just that, a kink. It doesn't rise to the level of fetish (have to have), but hovers around as a preference (like to have). Sex has enough wonderful variations that kink, as contained in the BDSM box, is only one of them. It is part of who I am, but it is only a relatively small part.

 

[midwestyankee]

How does doing different types of aftercare affect you?

My preference is to be close and intimate following play, but I did once have a play partner who wanted to decompress alone and I found that a little off-putting. Still, that worked for her and ultimately that's what mattered.

 

[Farawyn]

My preference is to be close and intimate following play, but I did once have a play partner who wanted to decompress alone and I found that a little off-putting. Still, that worked for her and ultimately that's what mattered.

Sometimes I want that, too. Rarely. And I find that the more I’m with him the less I turn over, after. When we were long distance or on the phone it was different. I didn’t want to be soothed, or have him stay with me on the phone.
I think the difference for me is physical touch.

 

[Farawyn]

Monday Question:

How critical is your kink to your overall life satisfaction?
Could you be happy in a relationship that does not include kink? Is it just sex for you or an important part of how you see yourself?

Which kink?
If you are talking D/s, then yes. I think I could let that go. As long as everything else stayed the same.
Which... how could it? Because that’s such a big part of it.
We have a very deep vanilla relationship. We are romantic, friends, equals.
Mostly. Unless he snaps on my leash, or pulls my hair and holds me on his cock, or lightly chokes me as we kiss...
If we HAD to give it up for some crazy reason, I could. Because he is the one I love, the whole person.

I don’t ever want to be without this dynamic again.
My other kinks, such as pain, public intimate touching, and other stuff?

Dammit. No.
I have that now, and I’ve waited so long. I want it with him, but I still want it.

I felt stifled and unwoke, and now I’m not.

 

[ultramarineblue]

My preference is to be close and intimate following play, but I did once have a play partner who wanted to decompress alone and I found that a little off-putting. Still, that worked for her and ultimately that's what mattered.

Did not having that intimacy ever have an adverse effect on you as in top drop or anything like that? I've played with two men that didn't always like giving hugs and that type of aftercare. With one, we discussed the session after. With the other, it varied. I found that while I really like hugs and cuddles that I don't have to have it. I need the conversation more even if it occurs a day or two later.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Which kink?
If you are talking D/s, then yes. I think I could let that go. As long as everything else stayed the same.
Which... how could it? Because that’s such a big part of it.
We have a very deep vanilla relationship. We are romantic, friends, equals.
Mostly. Unless he snaps on my leash, or pulls my hair and holds me on his cock, or lightly chokes me as we kiss...
If we HAD to give it up for some crazy reason, I could. Because he is the one I love, the whole person.

I don’t ever want to be without this dynamic again.
My other kinks, such as pain, public intimate touching, and other stuff?

Dammit. No.
I have that now, and I’ve waited so long. I want it with him, but I still want it.

I felt stifled and unwoke, and now I’m not.

I really enjoyed reading your answer.

 

[Farawyn]

I really enjoyed reading your answer.

Ohhh, I’m all over the place!!!

 

[midwestyankee]

Did not having that intimacy ever have an adverse effect on you as in top drop or anything like that? I've played with two men that didn't always like giving hugs and that type of aftercare. With one, we discussed the session after. With the other, it varied. I found that while I really like hugs and cuddles that I don't have to have it. I need the conversation more even if it occurs a day or two later.

I’ve definitely experienced drop several times. Talking afterward usually helped with that, as did more touch. That’s one of the challenges of long-distance play, where aftercare is, by definition, limited and touch-free.

 

[PuckIt]

Monday Question:

How critical is your kink to your overall life satisfaction?
Could you be happy in a relationship that does not include kink? Is it just sex for you or an important part of how you see yourself?

Despite conventional wisdom telling me to quit while I'm ahead, I'm going to step into the batter's box to take my swing.

Alright, so at the risk of revealing just how big a nerd I am, Maslowe addressed this in his Hierarchy of Needs. I don't think it takes a genius I.Q. to recognize that sex can, and often does, wander all up and down all five levels. At least if we allow for some of the psycho-social inner dynamics. However, Maslow himself places it firmly in two specific places. The lowest echelon and the third.

So, yeah. Sex is a basic physiological need firmly in the base of the pyramid. But, here, what it is about is "getting off." Glandular production. Endorphin levels. Yadda-yadda-yadda. And I'm not going to nerd out by naming them all, but the important bit is that sex can be equated with just as necessary as food for our physiological well being. And just as with food, different people are going to experience more or less "hunger" than others.

It also makes a specific appearance in the third rung where the psychological needs begin. Specifically the area where we are worried about being accepted.

In one of my earlier responses around here somewhere when I spoke about a hard limit, I also mentioned a hard need.

For me, and granted I might be overly simplistic, I think that what qualifies as a hard need is what applies to the physiological. "I need this just to get off." What qualifies as a soft need, a negotiable need, or a want is what reaches up into the third rung, the psychological need to feel accepted.

And I think for most people, the problems come in trying to reconcile the two.

[/nerdshitoff]

Any road, for me... I don't know. Honestly, I don't think that any kinkery or fetishism I've been engaged in has ever been a requirement for me. Not unless my partner in the moment had that need.

And maybe that is my kink. My "hard need" if you will. I have always needed to reach through the purely physical to touch something within my partner. Call it their soul. Call it their spirit. Call it simple emotion. But, the one thing I can't do without in a relationship involving sex is that ultimate connection. Whatever I have to do to get there is just window dressing. And without it, it is, yes, "just sex."

 

[PrettyLilPussy]

Not nerd shit at all! ^^^ That was actually extremely informative. I think I probably won't have a great answe to this question but I do think the connection in whatever form it takes is the most important. Connection can transcend a lot of things when two people are in that same mental space and giving 100% of themselves and communicating. As an example, phone sex with connected people can be better than physical sex where you're just going through the motions.

I'll actually answer the question in a bit. But thank you Puck!

 

[Farawyn]

I’ve definitely experienced drop several times. Talking afterward usually helped with that, as did more touch. That’s one of the challenges of long-distance play, where aftercare is, by definition, limited and touch-free.

I want to hear about Dom drop more.
Maybe a future question, PLP?

 

[PrettyLilPussy]

I want to hear about Dom drop more.
Maybe a future question, PLP?

Noted!

 

[Ed27R]

Monday Question:

How critical is your kink to your overall life satisfaction?
Could you be happy in a relationship that does not include kink? Is it just sex for you or an important part of how you see yourself?

This one made me think.

At the risk of coming off as a hack, I don’t feel my kink is critical to my overall life satisfaction. My life doesn’t run through my kink if anything it is the other way around. Don’t get me wrong, I do get immense pleasure and happiness from my kink. I just take a much more “passive” approach at the moment. I envy the others here who are so direct and focused in bringing their kink to the center of their lives -I think for me there will be time for that too in the future - just not at the moment.

 

[Ashesh9]

I control my orgasms vide mool-bandh or root-lock yogamudra wherein by breath-control, kegel muscular chokehold at base of Penis or svadisthana yogic center/chakra and mantra chanting I can transmute ejaculation event into an intense prolonged indefinite yogic neo-orgasm: and I no longer suffer from that self-loathing/ post ejaculation depression or as Le Francais put it Le Petit Mort!!!

 

[Farawyn]

I control my orgasms vide mool-bandh or root-lock yogamudra wherein by breath-control, kegel muscular chokehold at base of Penis or svadisthana yogic center/chakra and mantra chanting I can transmute ejaculation event into an intense prolonged indefinite yogic neo-orgasm: and I no longer suffer from that self-loathing/ post ejaculation depression or as Le Francais put it Le Petit Mort!!!

It’s still small, though.

*runs*

(I’m kidding, just trying to break the tension.)

 

[Farawyn]

This one made me think.

At the risk of coming off as a hack, I don’t feel my kink is critical to my overall life satisfaction. My life doesn’t run through my kink if anything it is the other way around. Don’t get me wrong, I do get immense pleasure and happiness from my kink. I just take a much more “passive” approach at the moment. I envy the others here who are so direct and focused in bringing their kink to the center of their lives -I think for me there will be time for that too in the future - just not at the moment.

Why not?

 

[cookiecat]

I control my orgasms vide mool-bandh or root-lock yogamudra wherein by breath-control, kegel muscular chokehold at base of Penis or svadisthana yogic center/chakra and mantra chanting I can transmute ejaculation event into an intense prolonged indefinite yogic neo-orgasm: and I no longer suffer from that self-loathing/ post ejaculation depression or as Le Francais put it Le Petit Mort!!!

Whaaaaaat??

Does all of that mean edging?

 

[Farawyn]

Whaaaaaat??

Does all of that mean edging?

The Small Death.
He had premature ejacukation. Now he does not.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Monday Question:

How critical is your kink to your overall life satisfaction?
Could you be happy in a relationship that does not include kink? Is it just sex for you or an important part of how you see yourself?

My kink is a part of me and I can't separate from it. I spent years married and not allowing my sexual kinky side out because he wasn't interested from the earliest days of our relationship. I refuse to do that again. I need to be me, and be with someone who loves that part of me just as much as the other parts of me. It's not just sex, it's more of me being complete, whole.

 

[Ed27R]

Why not?

Married a wonderfull woman who is vanilla.

 

[Farawyn]

My kink is a part of me and I can't separate from it. I spent years married and not allowing my sexual kinky side out because he wasn't interested from the earliest days of our relationship. I refuse to do that again. I need to be me, and be with someone who loves that part of me just as much as the other parts of me. It's not just sex, it's more of me being complete, whole.

This is what I was trying to say. Trying.
Thank you.

 

[barefootgirl69]

This is what I was trying to say. Trying.
Thank you.

 

[Farawyn]

Married a wonderfully vanilla woman.

So, you see her changing in the future? Because you said “on hold”.
Or, will it likely remain here, on Lit?
Kink in a box.

 

[formertroll]

Kink in a box.

you made me think of snl "dick in a box" i needed that laugh

 

[Farawyn]

you made me think of snl "dick in a box" i needed that laugh

That’s what I was going for.