worried

.....

Ya know, quite honestly an emotion of shame or its like can be apparent to a couple just experimenting. Especially in a sub that knows what they want but their mind is tied so securely to societal expectations that afterwards there could be mood swings and/or resentment, even shame.

When I was first experimenting with my sub, she had pretty much the same feeling as your boyfriend. She wanted it and she revelled in it when it was happening but then the next day she would have mixed emotions and reservations.

At that point as the Domme, I had some research to do. I had to find out if this was really her thing or if she was doing it on a whim just to be..."different".

At that point I recognized that I had to guide her with a soft caring hand in almost everything we tried to let her know that she is cared for and her fears are understood. Afterwards I made a point to hold her, caress her, talk with her to help ease her down from things that occurred that was not "normal" to regular society. Before and after I always showed her she was close to me and I'd never do anything to put her health or well being at risk. During, I always gave words or touches of encouragement, especially when things got rough or went outside her normal comfort zone.

The thing is, as long as I showed care, tenderness, and consideration for her feelings, before, during and after, she ended coming to me even more. She would ask to see me more, ask if she could speak to me more. Her resentment and feeling of shame turned into a deep hunger to learn more and to please me more. She never once in our experiences together denied me of anything although I clearly went past her comfort zone, many times...she trusted me explicitly to train her, teach her, guide her, show her new experiences in safe manner.

Within about a month of experiementing, maybe about four scenes I noticed those feelings of the aftermath that was tearing her up turning into acceptable and happy feelings. After about two months she was glowing when I saw her, glowing when she submitted to me and glowing when she left. After about a total of three months my sweet innocent girl turned into a wild cat. It just took a lot of time and care on my end, in scene and out of scene to determine what directon to go and how to go about it with her to give her more comfort on this journey.

That is just my experience. For you two it may be good to sit down and really talk about if this is something he truly desires. Perhaps you could try different methods if it is something you both care to do to instill in him that if you BOTH like it and enjoy it that there is nothing wrong with it.

That's the breaker though, you both have to want it, both have to enjoy it in my opinion. If one person is just doing it for the other it can cause some of these feelings you have described that really wont subside but perhaps become greater.

.....

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TheWench8 said:

Its not something we experimented with out of curiosity or for thrills. He seems to want/need it on an emotional level. He has been able to express that he is afraid it will change the way I feel about him or how I perceive him. He is afraid of losing my respect. I have assured him it has done nothing but deepen my love and respect for him - that he is willing to explore something that is so difficult. I have told him it means everything to me that he trusts me that much.

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The question is.. do you like being his Mistress/Domme? If you do.. then continue to nurture him and he will eventually (hopefully) come to believe in the fact (and it is a fact) that he is "okay" and not someone who needs to be outfitted with a straight jacket.

If you don't enjoy it then at some point you could do more harm than good.. In the heat of the moment during some knock down drag out argument you will probably call him a freak or something worse and that will send him back into his shell.

I don't think, based upon your previous two posts that is what you want to do , irregardless of your feelings toward bsdm.

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TheWench8 said:

Honestly, the whole thing is a perfect fit for me. I prefer being the aggressor. I like being his Mistress - it excites me to no end. I love seeing his inner self come out - the most tender, vulnerable parts of him (no pun intended). When the shame hasn't taken over, he is so relaxed, so peaceful looking. Everything about him changes. I fall in love with him over and over.
As far as casting things up, I don't do that. I don't fight, let alone hit below the belt. When someone offers me something that is fragile I handle it with kid gloves no matter how angry or hurt I might be in the future.

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Then you go girl..

Chris_Xavier said:

Then you go girl..

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LOL ok ..... you wanna give me some pointers?

TheWench8 said:

I know I have research to do. I figure my own apprehension isn't helping much and not being confident might be fueling his uncertainty.
Any suggestions?

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Have you two sat and spoke about desires, fantasies, needs, wants urges? What your soft, medium and hard caps are?

It is very hard for me to give suggestions on what you should do, not knowing what has already been talked about and done but I will give a few suggestions regarding what I have read thus far.

First off, I would start off very slow and work into to BDSM starting with very minimal direction change challenges that are easily played out and acceptable to you both. If you start small and work up the intensity or into greater techniques it gives you both time and ability to grow with each other and into your "roles". It allows the comfort level to stay in tact. Even though you may want to jump right into some of the more interesting stuff, perhaps at this point it may not work the best in your situation.

Try dominating him by giving him tasks and commands that you know he would be comfortable with and would complete to your satisfaction. That way you ensured his success to gain your praises or rewards. Then start increasing the tasks and commands into territory that he may not be so comfortable with as his completions come.

At this point its almost a scientific experiment. You want to do things in the nature of BDSM that will elicit the most success on his half so you may praise him more than normal. This will increase his comfort level, in my opinion.

That is basically how I did things with my sub when we were both starting out and it worked great. As I increased the BDSM subject matter; tasks and commands both of our comfort levels increased with them without our even needing to focus on it.

If he is to receive lashings, make sure he sees what you are using before you send him to his knees or before you restrain him at least at first. Start with like a feather duster, gliding along his sensual spots and lead into spanking him with the soft feathers. I know it sounds corny but something as simple as this will get him used to the "thought" of spanking. Then move with your hand and then to the next level of spanking tools.

When he is on his knees or restraint in a dominant but soft voice, "do you want me to have this pleasure?"..."do you want to make me proud of you?"..."do you want this?". Yes again, you may think this a lil odd but at the beginning, if he says no. Keep him in his position and move to him, kneel or sit to his level and ask him "why he wouldn't want to make you proud"..." why he feels that he should not give you this pleasure"....etc. This will open lines of communications on the spot. It is up to you at that point to show him assurance and go ahead with it or to scrap it.

Again, these are some of the things I did to grow my sub. My sub came to me very very shy, a very very low pain threshold, she started with a lot of emotions after our play that was unacceptable to our growth. When we left each other she was just the opposite, a good lil sub that could take 50 times what she could at the beginning, that was eager to do more and go further, hungry to do anything I wished because I placed the trust early on.

Is this for everyone, I am sure it isn't. It is what I came up for my situation and it worked.

One thing keep communication and trust before all else. In order to guide him you must have self awareness, confidence and self control. The more you research, train, learn, study, experiment the more confident you will become.
You are right, as your sub he needs to see your dominance, your confidence, your passion for him to submit to you.

.....

Ahhh the penetration thing, gotcha!

Again there, I say work it slowly as for his frame of mind and his comfort. There does not always have to have full insertion to begin to feel the pleasures swirling up in ones mind. Sometimes just put pressure there, stroke, or run soft feathers or cloth across the area. Start with slight insertion while teasing him otherwise if he backs up into ya then...well theres your green light. hehe

If you want him to ask for it theres no better way for someone to ask for it from me than backing into it instead of away. Get in place and tease him, heat him up. Make it be known that he is not allowed to release, the tensions will grow so strong and he will feel himself ready to burst...tell him to back into you and if he does he can release. After you tell him he cant cum til he backs into you, erotic seductive verbal taunting always helps; "you know you want to cum" with a little wiggle of what ever ya have going on back there usually helps.

Just be prepared to punish him if he releases with out backing up. Can't give him a direct command/order and have him go against it by cumming without meeting the requirement you laid out before him to do so. If he holds his release and does not move back than you know he is at least paying attention to your command.

Sometimes it is easier just to wait until you know he is going to release and dive right in at the same time. I think he will appreciate that pleasure for days to come if the timing is right and it went....smoothly.

Welp, thats all I have on that subject matter I may of expressed my opinions or went to direct into suggestions then people may care to hear about in this thread. Its just me though, I enjoy guiding, teaching, helping, etc. If ya think you'd like more suggestions toss me a PM. I would be glad to help in any way that I can.

Good luck to you and I hope you both find your comfort point. Your self confidence should increase over time. Try scouring the internet for ways to ease him into penetration. There is a lot of bullshit out there but theres also quite a bit of good info.

SometimesNever said:

You are right, as your sub he needs to see your dominance, your confidence, your passion for him to submit to you.

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...you are very, very wise Sometimes Never...and knowledgeable...

I am also very new to this, but I have found a kind and patient Dom whom I now trust, sometimes beyond reason...He built up my confidence in his dominance and I definitly feel his passion for me.... Alas, he lives far far away from me SN sounds quite a bit like him...Good, safe sane advice and understanding.

Good luck with your journey into BDSM Wench...(always loved that word, Wench, now I believe I know why!)... lol.

SN ....great quote....would you mind if I snagged it for my personal favorite quote short list?

LOL.. I wouldn't know where to begin where to tell you how to Domme a guy(as I are one and couldn't subtract two points from graceanne's sex quiz for kissing someone of the same sex).. except to suggest that you and him just simply talk about what each of you want and prioritize your wants and needs.

TheWench8 said:

LOL ok ..... you wanna give me some pointers?

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.....

katteon said:

...you are very, very wise Sometimes Never...and knowledgeable...

I am also very new to this, but I have found a kind and patient Dom whom I now trust, sometimes beyond reason...He built up my confidence in his dominance and I definitly feel his passion for me.... Alas, he lives far far away from me SN sounds quite a bit like him...Good, safe sane advice and understanding.

Good luck with your journey into BDSM Wench...(always loved that word, Wench, now I believe I know why!)... lol.

SN ....great quote....would you mind if I snagged it for my personal favorite quote short list?

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I pride myself in being able to adapt different techniques to different situations. Wise and knowledgeable, I try to keep myself up to date and keep my wits about me, thank you.

Hmmm snag away if you wish.

I am glad you found a patient and understanding Dom. I am flattered you see me in the likes of your Dom which you seem to trust and respect quite a bit. Those kind understanding M's, if anything like me usually have a heavy hand though when needed

SometimesNever said:

....Those kind understanding M's, if anything like me usually have a heavy hand though when needed

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.....mmmmmm....with talk like that ....I start to warm-up.... thinking about him using a heavy hand....a very heavy hand....alas, he is far far away. lol

Thanks for the quote....

Here are some checklists (some find them helpful to think up ideas, but most use them to sort out likes/dislikes/maybe-someday sorts of things).

http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/over21/b...-checklist.html
http://smvillage.com/Modules/checklist2/default.asp
http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/bdsm_checklist.html
http://members.aol.com/MasterNik/BDSMCheckList.html
http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/question1.shtml
http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/checklst.html

The BDSM Library is pinned at the top of the Talk forum, and is broken down by subject- there are a lot of old posts in the Library that are benificial to new and old alike.

... and of course the books, because I'm all about research, baby.

The Sexually Dominant Woman: A workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green (very good starter book if you have no freaking clue what you are doing)

The Art of Sensual Female Dominance by Claudia Varrin (good read; enlightening ideas, but a bit heavy on the Female Supremacy stuff)

Female Dominance Rituals and Practices by Claudia Varrin (Again- lots of good information, but heavy on Female Supremacy)

The Loving Dominant by John Warren, Ph.D. (geared towards male dominants, but just as applicable to Dommes)

The New Topping Book by dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy (good basic starter BDSM book)

The New Bottoming Book by Easton & Hardy (same good basic information as TNTB, but from a bottom's perspective- which IMO is kinda handy)

If you are both interested in exploring anal, Anal Pleasure & Health: A Guide for Men & Women by Jack Morrin, Ph.D. does a great job of covering the subject.

Consensual Sadomasochism by Henkin & Holiday is often recommended, but I wasn't all that thrilled with it (although I can't remember why, exactly...)

Exhibitionism for the Shy (Show Off, Dress Up & Talk Hot) by Carol Queen is geared towards women, but has it's possibilities as a reference work to spark interest in mild humiliation play.

You should be able to find most (if not all) of the books at amazon.com; www.greenerypress.com publishes a lot of the titles I mentioned, and is a well trusted reesource for BDSM/kink friendly publications (I almost always buy any book I find by that publishing house, as I trust it will be well done).

Penetration

I was told to do something along lines with my husband by my ex online Dom.
It worked brilliantly for all of us except my husband is a difficult and ornery cuss who won't beg.

So here is my recommendation based on my experiences. This was originally written up in my task accepted and so on thread. In answer to Red Sonja whose husband/ Dom had told her to do him one night. She was freaking out a bit like most good subs will who do not feel they want to or are comfortable enough taking charge. I don't blame her a bit.

You want to get him as excited as you possibly can before you go all strap on his ass!

You might want to wear something that keeps your parts all covered up or you might want to go nude. One might help you concentrate on your role for the night better but there are benefits to the other.

So, I recommend a nice blow job with some skull fucking, why not, he's there, he's hard you want it don't you? I know I would but STOP!!! Just before he comes. *GRINS*

Now either while you are doing the oral thing or after use your well lubed finger or small toy to go around and around his lubed anus and eventually to penetrate it. At first penetration, stop and hold until he pushes back for more. He will push back for more believe me.

As you continue go deeper but also move in a circular pattern perhaps adding a wider penetration with another finger or using a toy that gets bigger the deeper you go.

You might want to practice delivering a stinging spank or flogging. Feel free to try a number of positions, getting him the right height to your cock can be difficult.

Guys are very visual. You might tell him if you are using a toy to keep fucking him self in the ass as you walk around stroking your cock. You might even have him kiss or suck your cock.

Personally I really like mine on his knees when I fuck his ass. I think that's because I prefer to be on my knees when the roles are reversed and so I associate great pleasure with that position.

Now if you want to spank his ass, get it nice and heated then remove the toy and slip just the tip of your cock inside him, hold there. Wait again for him to push back wanting more. He will. Don't give it to him yet, say this instead.

"Do you WANT it?"

Wait for a positive answer such as yes.

"Yes what?"

Make it clear you want to be called something respectful such as Mistress or M'amm.

Then give it to him just a little more.

Spank some more, play with his cock, bite his back then say again as he squirms wanting more.

"Do you WANT it?"

Depending on his answer you can decide your actions. You can even demand he beg if you wish. Repeat this often, each time you make him ask for it will make it hotter for him if this is the sort of thing he likes. It may even make it hotter for you.

Remember this is a TASK for HIM. It is also a role play for you to learn.

Not that I'd know anything about this. *snicker*

Alternatively you can just pervert the task to what YOU really want. After all if you are in charge and all you can break the rules a little.

Maybe you want him on his back with his legs up high. Maybe you want to tie him down so his legs and arms are tied together. Then you want to suck his cock while you fuck his ass by hand or knee.

That's all good.

Or you can just tell him you can't do this task.

I love Akasha's idea of making him come on his own face. *smirks* That's very hot. Hopefully your husband is easier to get off than mine is with a strap on. Hopefully you can wear one in such a way, or the mind fuck blows your head off in such a way, you can come too.

Oh and I'd put a towel under him so if he says he has to go to the bathroom like mine does you can tell him that's what the towel is for and he will have to wash the linens.

Here is another favorite of mine:

Have him kneel before you. Stand there with your strap on in his face and try to smirk. Say to him.

"Come and worship at the alter of your Goddess, please me well." Then spread your legs and make him find a way to get his mouth on your vagina and clit if he will, or he might even decide to suck your cock, whatever...*grins*

There are just some ideas that I've found here and there, take them with a grain of salt.

Remember always, mileage may very.

About his shame, that is something that I think that communication, TLC and time will take care of. It make take baby steps but if he is secure and supported I think he will be able to mostly get past it.

I say mostly because there are some things so primal they remain against all logic and understanding. We can get past them but they are still there deep down.

Good luck,

Fury

.....

Do you practice any form of aftercare? It can range from just snuggling to full talks. It is something I think is very important for both partners in the early stages of discovery.

Submission is a very mental, emotional, and sometimes even spiritual endevour. We awaken things within ourselves we may never have realized were there. And in our submission we're forced to see ourselves as we truly are. It can be very powerful and very disturbing. Shame, guilt, embarrassment, and even questioning your very identity are very common reactions for those just beginning to discover this world. I do believe it is more common amoung males subs as it is so against the "nature" of our "roles." And that can be a very difficult thing to deal with.

Submission can also force us to face many demons, especially from our past, that are very troubling and difficult and this too can contribute to the moodiness and insecurity. There's a reason such things are repressed, they are not nice to deal with.

You mentioned not wanting to live a full time D/s lifestyle and that is perfectly okay and perhaps you should be sure he understands that. He may, after the scene, return to his sense of "male dominance" or maybe more accurately his masculine sense of self and he may have a fear that if he indulges his submission it means he must also surrender that side of himself. There are a lot of myths and misconceptions about BDSM and that feeling is not an uncommon one and one I have seen keep more than a few men from embracing submission.

For some, especially early on, the dominant needs to take the submission as it comes. Not force it or expect it. Recognize it as the gift that it truly is and treasure it and nurture it. As time progresses, the dominant can become more assertive.

I'm not sure assigning chores and such would be your best bet in this situation. You will know better than I but I fear he would resent it and rebel and that can lead to a shut down.

Anyway, just some thoughts off my head.

I always give out this site for reading when these subjects come up. Some very good info: http://www.akashaweb.com/goodgirl.html

would like to have this thread deleted. Is that possible?

Excuse me for pouncing in...Wench8...

SometimesNever said:

...four scenes...in scene and out of scene...

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SN, I am curious about about the term "scene" you referred to. I guess I just didn't realize a scene is staged..set-up per say...Or are you referring to actual physical encounters as scenes...slightly confused.. ..I'm assuming the Dom sets the "scene" of course, but then does the sub perform spontaneously? Or is there a script or dialog for him/her to follow?...(Please inform me if I need to post questions like this else ware)

ChainedRebel said:

Submission is a very mental, emotional, and sometimes even spiritual endevour. We awaken things within ourselves we may never have realized were there. And in our submission we're forced to see ourselves as we truly are. It can be very powerful and very disturbing. Shame, guilt, embarrassment, and even questioning your very identity are very common reactions for those just beginning to discover this world...

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I believe you have been spying on my mind and heart these past few weeks...amazing the familiarity I feel...and I thought I was unique lol

Thank-you,

Kat

Katteon, when I say scenes, its kind of my own thing, not so much what others may call it.

My usage of "scenes" usually is something that I have planned up, be it for training, playing, or something that just popped into my head I wanted to try. If it is thought of before hand, it is usually for training. I never tell my sub so they can react as they normally would if its a planned thing.

Plenty may happen thats spur of the moment but that planned stuff I refer to as scenes usually. Again, my own terminology...damn the theater anyways, hehe. I am sure I could use more widely used terms but theres never been a term that registered with me.

...edit...Maybe I should go back to see if I was saying what I was trying to say, hehe. From the looks of the quote I have no idea what the hell I was getting at.

...thank-you