Feeling horrible for being submissive!

[SPARTAN047]

Yes, there are enough feminists on Tumblr who want and love the patriarchy. I just have to laugh so hard at them.

 

[PaxNurgle]

I used to feel that way. But, once I let go of the judgment, I have found that being submissive and being used is my greatest intimacy and release.

It is that indeed, and while I don't disagree, the thing I have found is, our main goal, speaking for us submissive males, is long term intimacy and connection. Nothing is more intimate than to be vulnerable, quivering at the feet of your dominant in a subspace that is beyond blissful. I have only experienced this with a paid pro however, and this was not sustainable.

So, look at it this way.

There is a woman I really dig, you might say I even have a crush on. If I tell her that I enjoy being dominated, tied up, spanked, pegged, humiliated, cuckolded, toileted, and/or basically used and abused by her, she would think I was either a harmless weirdo (at best) or an outright degenerate creep (more likely.) It would abruptly kill any chance I ever had of having a meaningful relationship with her. And this goes for pretty much any woman I would ever likely have a chance to date.

So that leaves us with the option of either falling prey to the Mistress Tamikas of the world, or at best, if we are lucky, actually hooking up with a real, genuine pay-to-pay professional who looks at what she does as a mere job, rather than true intimacy. And that is not sustainable or fulfilling in the long run. Or realizing that as a man, our job is to satisfy our partner in a way that is mutually fulfilling, and that we cannot do this if we dwell on "Alternative" or extreme sexual dynamics. Which might even entail going against our stated nature and being dominant just for her.

And so, when those submissive, kinky fantasies come up to the surface, it does make me feel guilt, because I worry that it could impede or even destroy any chance for a meaningful relationship that I want.

 

[Yarglenurp]

It is that indeed, and while I don't disagree, the thing I have found is, our main goal, speaking for us submissive males, is long term intimacy and connection. Nothing is more intimate than to be vulnerable, quivering at the feet of your dominant in a subspace that is beyond blissful. I have only experienced this with a paid pro however, and this was not sustainable.

So, look at it this way.

There is a woman I really dig, you might say I even have a crush on. If I tell her that I enjoy being dominated, tied up, spanked, pegged, humiliated, cuckolded, toileted, and/or basically used and abused by her, she would think I was either a harmless weirdo (at best) or an outright degenerate creep (more likely.) It would abruptly kill any chance I ever had of having a meaningful relationship with her. And this goes for pretty much any woman I would ever likely have a chance to date.

So that leaves us with the option of either falling prey to the Mistress Tamikas of the world, or at best, if we are lucky, actually hooking up with a real, genuine pay-to-pay professional who looks at what she does as a mere job, rather than true intimacy. And that is not sustainable or fulfilling in the long run. Or realizing that as a man, our job is to satisfy our partner in a way that is mutually fulfilling, and that we cannot do this if we dwell on "Alternative" or extreme sexual dynamics. Which might even entail going against our stated nature and being dominant just for her.

And so, when those submissive, kinky fantasies come up to the surface, it does make me feel guilt, because I worry that it could impede or even destroy any chance for a meaningful relationship that I want.

Well, you might get lucky and find a woman who is willing to do it just because you like it.

 

[magic_rat]

I've ended up with a lovely switch to whom I am now engaged. My problem is, I feel quite awful sometimes, because I get frustrated about not having my submissive needs met (specifically bondage and corporal punishment) and then I say something, and he gets hurt.

You have to consider a few things.

If you're frustrated now, and you're not even married, how will you feel in 10 years time?

Is there room in your relationship for another person/people? I have found that no single person can necessarily cover all the bases in a relationship. You could explore finding a Dom outside of your relationship to satisfy that side of you. Your partner is switch; maybe a Dom added to the mix might satisfy both your needs.

This could either be in a non-sexual dungeon type context, or could possibly be achieved through an exploration of polyamory.

The alyternative is either shutting down that part of you completely, or live with the frustration. Either way you'll go looking elsewhere for satisfaction within 5 years.

 

[magic_rat]

There is a woman I really dig, you might say I even have a crush on. If I tell her that I enjoy being dominated, tied up, spanked, pegged, humiliated, cuckolded, toileted, and/or basically used and abused by her, she would think I was either a harmless weirdo (at best) or an outright degenerate creep (more likely.) It would abruptly kill any chance I ever had of having a meaningful relationship with her. And this goes for pretty much any woman I would ever likely have a chance to date.

What makes you say that? How do you think doms and subs (regardless of gender) end up together?

I think your conception of women is skewed. Either that or you're living in fundamentalist Christian hell and even some of those fuckers are kinky as shit.

Women can be every bit as kinky as men. You'll only ever find that out by talking to them.

You don't, as a rule, start out on the first date by saying you love to be hung from the ceiling on a meat hook and flayed alive, but you can hint that you're submissive. It can be enough to pique interest. Something to build on.

 

[PaxNurgle]

^I agree, but the thing is, you are partly right; the state I live in does trend pretty sexually conservative. It is a strong LDS (Mormon) population. Now, I think Mormons are wonderful people. They are honest, kind, hard working, and generally good people- but they do have very strict attitudes about sex and intimacy. Many, in fact, believe that any kind of sex activity- even vanilla sex- has one and only one purpose, that being for procreation and not pleasure. Now if that is their attitude, there is nothing inherently wrong with it; I would say they are missing out on a lot, but that's their loss. But it does narrow the dating pool quite a bit when it comes to finding a compatible partner. Being raised and conditioned in that environment is hard to deprogram from.

I also agree that women can be as kinky as men, but it is also a known fact that most kinky women tend to be kinky submissive rather than kinky dominant. The numbers bear that out, and that is partly why we see so many "Mistress Tamikas" preying on hapless submissive kinky men: Kinky submissive women have no problem finding willing partners, men- not so much.

As far as dating, you are correct, you don't just want to lead in right away with your kinkiest fantasies, but I also worry about hinting too much, and scaring off a potential date.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

Yeah, I agree. I do think it’s dependent on the person, and on the situation. If you’re basically a 100% sub, being a dom is just like work. I think it’s possible in a relationship of two subs if one was playing the dom, but then the sub2dom partner would need recharge time on top of the sexual activity time.

my opinion on rankings of ”having the it the best” couples would be (best to worst):
Dom and sub
Switch and switch
Vanilla and vanilla
Dom and switch
Switch and sub
Dom and vanilla
Switch and vanilla
Sub and sub
Dom and dom
Sub and vanilla

Not laughing at your post. Laughing because I’m in the sub/vanilla pairing! Oh ye gods! I feel less terrible anbout my occasional frustration so thank you.

And we both prefer to bottom. We can have amazing sex but it could be so much easier if our wants matched up better. Not complaining, love him deeply. It’s just a thing to work on together.

 

[Yarglenurp]

Not laughing at your post. Laughing because I’m in the sub/vanilla pairing! Oh ye gods! I feel less terrible anbout my occasional frustration so thank you.

And we both prefer to bottom. We can have amazing sex but it could be so much easier if our wants matched up better. Not complaining, love him deeply. It’s just a thing to work on together.

Hah, yeah, I’m in the same. I love my partner to pieces, but I do wish she’d occasionally just chain my genitals to a bed post and whip my nipples until they bleed.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

It is that indeed, and while I don't disagree, the thing I have found is, our main goal, speaking for us submissive males, is long term intimacy and connection. Nothing is more intimate than to be vulnerable, quivering at the feet of your dominant in a subspace that is beyond blissful. I have only experienced this with a paid pro however, and this was not sustainable.

So, look at it this way.

There is a woman I really dig, you might say I even have a crush on. If I tell her that I enjoy being dominated, tied up, spanked, pegged, humiliated, cuckolded, toileted, and/or basically used and abused by her, she would think I was either a harmless weirdo (at best) or an outright degenerate creep (more likely.) It would abruptly kill any chance I ever had of having a meaningful relationship with her. And this goes for pretty much any woman I would ever likely have a chance to date.

So that leaves us with the option of either falling prey to the Mistress Tamikas of the world, or at best, if we are lucky, actually hooking up with a real, genuine pay-to-pay professional who looks at what she does as a mere job, rather than true intimacy. And that is not sustainable or fulfilling in the long run. Or realizing that as a man, our job is to satisfy our partner in a way that is mutually fulfilling, and that we cannot do this if we dwell on "Alternative" or extreme sexual dynamics. Which might even entail going against our stated nature and being dominant just for her.

And so, when those submissive, kinky fantasies come up to the surface, it does make me feel guilt, because I worry that it could impede or even destroy any chance for a meaningful relationship that I want.

PaxNurgle, if my man wanted me to Domme him, tie him up, whip him, inflict pain for his pleasure, I would say fuck yeah in a heartbeat despite feeling subby more often than not. For me, the appeal would be being trusted and being desired. And if I gave him pleasure, I would feel sexy AF. So I think while it’s true you’re at a numbers disadvantage, it’s maybe less awful than that.

Have you tried sex positive kink friendly apps or meetups? The latter you may need to travel far for but imagine not having to hide your wants when meeting someone. Wouldn’t it be glorious? Next time you have some reason to visit a large city, would you have time for to attend a kinky meet and greet?

Submissive men are fucking magnificent. I so wish you to meet someone who shares that view.

 

[MiaBabe23]

PaxNurgle, if my man wanted me to Domme him, tie him up, whip him, inflict pain for his pleasure, I would say fuck yeah in a heartbeat despite feeling subby more often than not. For me, the appeal would be being trusted and being desired. And if I gave him pleasure, I would feel sexy AF. So I think while it’s true you’re at a numbers disadvantage, it’s maybe less awful than that.

Have you tried sex positive kink friendly apps or meetups? The latter you may need to travel far for but imagine not having to hide your wants when meeting someone. Wouldn’t it be glorious? Next time you have some reason to visit a large city, would you have time for to attend a kinky meet and greet?

Submissive men are fucking magnificent. I so wish you to meet someone who shares that view.

Absolutely feel the same. I want to submit to the guy I’m into, but would happily switch for Him. It’s about that connection more than about the submission for me. I know that’s not true for everyone who enjoys submitting, but I think it can be broached if the trust is there

 

[Yarglenurp]

submissive, vanilla wife and submissive wannabe husband. Frustrating. Any suggestions?

Well, how willing are you to submit to this husband, if he’s willing to role play a dom?

 

[Astrotrain]

submissive, vanilla wife and submissive wannabe husband. Frustrating. Any suggestions?

You could both become switches and take turns. The advantage you'd both have is you would both know how subs want to be treated. In general of course, different subs want different things, but an understanding of submissive fantasies makes for a great dom/me.

 

[Vivian251]

Don't be too hard on yourself,it's okay to want what you want!

 

[Ash999]

I am submissive in my worship of Goddess Kali but Dominant with my slavegals....I spank my bent over, panty clad, bare View attachment 2466121View attachment 2466124View attachment 2466125View attachment 2466125View attachment 2466122View attachment 2466123ass cheeks with a pView attachment 2466124air of steel hand shaped rice spoons .....ouch....Victory Goddess Kali!!!

 

[Mrs_and_mr]

PaxNurgle, if my man wanted me to Domme him, tie him up, whip him, inflict pain for his pleasure, I would say fuck yeah in a heartbeat despite feeling subby more often than not. For me, the appeal would be being trusted and being desired. And if I gave him pleasure, I would feel sexy AF. So I think while it’s true you’re at a numbers disadvantage, it’s maybe less awful than that.

Have you tried sex positive kink friendly apps or meetups? The latter you may need to travel far for but imagine not having to hide your wants when meeting someone. Wouldn’t it be glorious? Next time you have some reason to visit a large city, would you have time for to attend a kinky meet and greet?

Submissive men are fucking magnificent. I so wish you to meet someone who shares that view.

Absolutely feel the same. I want to submit to the guy I’m into, but would happily switch for Him. It’s about that connection more than about the submission for me. I know that’s not true for everyone who enjoys submitting, but I think it can be broached if the trust is there

It’s weird, every woman I’ve been with pretty much has had the same attitude as lotus_kitty and MiaBabe23. They would do something for me and like it because I liked it. I would do the same for them. Now I might not be good at it but I’d give it my best. My fear was and still is, is that my partners weren’t being true to themselves. Them doing something because I like it is fine and dandy but I want to know and do what they want. I’m always afraid there could be resentment down the road. Relationships are partnerships even Domme/sub relationships and I want to be that partner not a taker.

 

[Servileone13]

In truth, I satisfy most of my unusual cravings through my erotica, without which I'd probably go insane. No one can suppress their sexuality for their entire life, and stay happy and sane. Least of all, me,

Believe me, speaking from experience, you are correct. You can't suppress your sexuality for your entire life. Believe me I've tried. It causes major problems and depression if you stay long term in the relationship. You need to express these desires and needs openly before making that move

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

It’s weird, every woman I’ve been with pretty much has had the same attitude as lotus_kitty and MiaBabe23. They would do something for me and like it because I liked it. I would do the same for them. Now I might not be good at it but I’d give it my best. My fear was and still is, is that my partners weren’t being true to themselves. Them doing something because I like it is fine and dandy but I want to know and do what they want. I’m always afraid there could be resentment down the road. Relationships are partnerships even Domme/sub relationships and I want to be that partner not a taker.

Sorry for the late reply. A woman who enjoys feeling sexy and competent would enjoy your reaction to her Dominance.

It is probably common to worry as you do. I do when I feel subby, that I’m being selfish, asking someone else to do all the work. My partner is not kinky but he loves the way I look while bound now! He loves the way he makes me feel when we play with bondage. He gets off hard on giving pleasure, being praised (I don’t stint), feeling capable and confident in bed. We do lots of vanilla too. I ride him, have him lay back and just enjoy, he loves that. I love giving him what he loves. We’re both still learning new things and that’s exciting. He’s happy to learn kink skills if I find and summarize learning material (fun research for me). He knows I don’t expect him to instantly become an experienced pleasure Dom and that takes pressure off him. I think you could encourage a woman who cares for you to slowly grow into a Domme role this way. Good luck, never give up hope!

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

Believe me, speaking from experience, you are correct. You can't suppress your sexuality for your entire life. Believe me I've tried. It causes major problems and depression if you stay long term in the relationship. You need to express these desires and needs openly before making that move

Yes to all of this.

 

[Little__one__]

Not laughing at your post. Laughing because I’m in the sub/vanilla pairing! Oh ye gods! I feel less terrible anbout my occasional frustration so thank you.

And we both prefer to bottom. We can have amazing sex but it could be so much easier if our wants matched up better. Not complaining, love him deeply. It’s just a thing to work on together.

I could have written this myself. My husband is very vanilla and I'm a sub. It is frustrating to say the least!

I love him a lot but I do wish he would be a lot more dominant

 

[masterslave00]

I could have written this myself. My husband is very vanilla and I'm a sub. It is frustrating to say the least!

I love him a lot but I do wish he would be a lot more dominant

Same here, except I am a man and she is too vanilla and I would love to be a sub at home while I had profession with lots of power over lots of people...

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

I could have written this myself. My husband is very vanilla and I'm a sub. It is frustrating to say the least!

I love him a lot but I do wish he would be a lot more dominant

@masterslave00

There may be hope for us. My husband and I have been talking about desires and needs (fun). We’ve been exploring together. Trying one new thing at a time. He is loving how this pleases me. It makes him more confident and willing to try more new things. I think I was overwhelming him at first with too much all at once. I’m feeling more optimistic!

 

[masterslave00]

@masterslave00

There may be hope for us. My husband and I have been talking about desires and needs (fun). We’ve been exploring together. Trying one new thing at a time. He is loving how this pleases me. It makes him more confident and willing to try more new things. I think I was overwhelming him at first with too much all at once. I’m feeling more optimistic!

Thank you @Lotus_Kitty, but all my attempts to discuss were met with strong refusal. She won't even talk about it... Actually. she often acts like if we were in FLR in many ways outside of the bedroom but would never accept it and bring it to the bedroom too.

 

[Ash999]

I could have written this myself. My husband is very vanilla and I'm a sub. It is frustrating to say the least!

I love him a lot but I do wish he would be a lot more dominant

Feeling sorry for your predicament...Little_one_

 

[subdudeme13]

I could have written this myself. My husband is very vanilla and I'm a sub. It is frustrating to say the least!

I love him a lot but I do wish he would be a lot more dominant

This may help. I follow her stories and she has some good advice. I didn't read the whole thing I was looking for a helpful guide that might help. This looks like one there may be better ones. Getting the communication going is probably the hardest part.
https://www.literotica.com/s/spice-up-your-marriage

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

Thank you @Lotus_Kitty, but all my attempts to discuss were met with strong refusal. She won't even talk about it... Actually. she often acts like if we were in FLR in many ways outside of the bedroom but would never accept it and bring it to the bedroom too.

I offer a platonic hug of sympathy.
And/or a mug of tea/coffee/cocoa.

(^^)>U <— mug

<(^^)> <— hug