SimonDoom
Kink Lord
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More Humour
- Thread starter Handley_Page
- Start date
A woman puts an ad in the personals for a man who won't hit her, won't run off on her, and is well endowed.
A bit later, her doorbell rings and when she opens it, she sees a man with no arms and no legs. She's skeptical, but she invites him in. They start talking, and he makes his case. "I have no arms, so I can't hit you, and I have no legs so I can't run off."
"I see," the woman says, "but what about being well endowed?"
How do you think I rang the doorbell?
A bit later, her doorbell rings and when she opens it, she sees a man with no arms and no legs. She's skeptical, but she invites him in. They start talking, and he makes his case. "I have no arms, so I can't hit you, and I have no legs so I can't run off."
"I see," the woman says, "but what about being well endowed?"
How do you think I rang the doorbell?
MediocreAuthor
You can call me "M"
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If you are ever attacked by a gaggle of evil clowns, your best bet is to go straight for the juggler.
Last edited:
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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A Veteran bought two cases of beer on sale and placed them on the front seat of his car and headed back home.
He stopped at a service station to get fuel and a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on his passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in bartering so would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
The Veteran thought for a few seconds and asked, .... "What kind of beer have you got?''
He stopped at a service station to get fuel and a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on his passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in bartering so would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
The Veteran thought for a few seconds and asked, .... "What kind of beer have you got?''
jehoram
Literotica Guru
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A man had three daughters, and on Saturday night, their dates arrived to pick them up.
The first one said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're going out to see a show. Is she ready to go?"
The father thought, "Well, that's strange, but he seems like a nice boy. It must be a hip-hop thing." And off Joe and Flo went.
The next boy said, "Hi, my name is Eddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going out for some spaghetti. Can you tell me if she's ready?"
The father gave his consent, and off the kids went.
The next boy said, "Hi, my name is Chuck..."
And the father says, "Get out!"
The first one said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're going out to see a show. Is she ready to go?"
The father thought, "Well, that's strange, but he seems like a nice boy. It must be a hip-hop thing." And off Joe and Flo went.
The next boy said, "Hi, my name is Eddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going out for some spaghetti. Can you tell me if she's ready?"
The father gave his consent, and off the kids went.
The next boy said, "Hi, my name is Chuck..."
And the father says, "Get out!"
StillStunned
Mr Sticky
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Congratulations! You've just earned yourself the loudest groan in this thread.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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My new frying pan seems to work quite well.
Any coffee left please ?
Any coffee left please ?
jehoram
Literotica Guru
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Two identical twins were put up for adoption by a family who couldn't care for the boys. One of them was adopted by a couple in Lebanon, who named him Amahl. The other one became the son of a Spanish couple, and was given the name of "Juan." Both of the mothers stayed in touch with the birth mother and sent her information on how her boys were progressing in life.
One day, she got a card from the mother in Spain, and it came with a photograph of the boy. She showed the picture to her husband and asked, "Do you think that the people in Lebanon would send us a picture of their boy?"
"What's the use?" replied the husband. "When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."
One day, she got a card from the mother in Spain, and it came with a photograph of the boy. She showed the picture to her husband and asked, "Do you think that the people in Lebanon would send us a picture of their boy?"
"What's the use?" replied the husband. "When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."
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To be met with the story of a little girl born in Madrid. Her mother always referred to her by her given name, Carmen, but her father was a bit stuffy and always called her by her family name, Cohen. This was most confusing for the tad, for in truth she soon didn’t know if she was Carmen or Cohen.
MediocreAuthor
You can call me "M"
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Outraged Father: "You stole my daughter's virginity!"
Her teenage boyfriend: "Sorry sir, I won't do that again."
StillStunned
Mr Sticky
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I always liked Chandler's line in an early episode of Friends: "Actually, can we lose our virginities again? Because I think mine has grown back."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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A couple of poachers from Witham are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Candy_Kane54
Missing my Muse...
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One Friday, this guy is driving home way over the speed limit and a cop pulls him over.
The cop, a state trooper, had been behind the guy the whole time. "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"No sir."
"I clocked you going 100 in a 55mph zone; I should throw you in jail for such an offense! I don't see anybody in this vehicle in an emergency situation, so give me one good reason as to why you'd be going at such a speed, and I'll consider letting you off with a warning."
"Well last week, my wife left me for a state trooper. I saw you in the rear view and I thought you were bringing her back!"
The cop, a state trooper, had been behind the guy the whole time. "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"No sir."
"I clocked you going 100 in a 55mph zone; I should throw you in jail for such an offense! I don't see anybody in this vehicle in an emergency situation, so give me one good reason as to why you'd be going at such a speed, and I'll consider letting you off with a warning."
"Well last week, my wife left me for a state trooper. I saw you in the rear view and I thought you were bringing her back!"
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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The madam opened the brothel door in Butte and saw a rather dignified, a well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.
May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else ?", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row". Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Great Falls."
"Really ?," she said. "I have family in Great Falls."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister has died, and I am her attorney.
"She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
==== ===== ==== ===
May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else ?", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row". Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Great Falls."
"Really ?," she said. "I have family in Great Falls."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister has died, and I am her attorney.
"She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
==== ===== ==== ===
The speeding joke above reminded me of this one:
Werner Heisenberg is in the US for a physics conference and he gets pulled over.
"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, of course not."
"Well, I clocked you doing 75 in a 45 mph zone."
Heisenberg slams his hand on the steering wheel. "Great, now I'm lost."
Werner Heisenberg is in the US for a physics conference and he gets pulled over.
"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, of course not."
"Well, I clocked you doing 75 in a 45 mph zone."
Heisenberg slams his hand on the steering wheel. "Great, now I'm lost."
StillStunned
Mr Sticky
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A bishop is visiting a convent in the humble part of town. As his car waits at the traffic lights, a woman dressed in leather trousers and top knocks on his window. He presses the button to lower it, and she leans in.
"Hello handsome, fancy a trick? Only 50 bucks."
Before he can ask what she means the light changes and his driver moves them away. The same thing happens at the next lights. This time the lady is wearing a short skirt and a bra, but the question is the same.
"Hello handsome, fancy a trick? Only 50 bucks."
Again the car pulls away before he can ask what she means.
Shortly after they reach the convent, and Mother Superior greets him as he steps out of the car.
"Welcome, Your Grace! We've been looking forward to your arrival."
Before she can lead him inside, he stops her and says, "Tell me, Mother Superior, what's a trick?"
She looks at him for a moment, then shrugs. "Same as on the outside, I suppose, 50 bucks."
"Hello handsome, fancy a trick? Only 50 bucks."
Before he can ask what she means the light changes and his driver moves them away. The same thing happens at the next lights. This time the lady is wearing a short skirt and a bra, but the question is the same.
"Hello handsome, fancy a trick? Only 50 bucks."
Again the car pulls away before he can ask what she means.
Shortly after they reach the convent, and Mother Superior greets him as he steps out of the car.
"Welcome, Your Grace! We've been looking forward to your arrival."
Before she can lead him inside, he stops her and says, "Tell me, Mother Superior, what's a trick?"
She looks at him for a moment, then shrugs. "Same as on the outside, I suppose, 50 bucks."
Candy_Kane54
Missing my Muse...
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- Jan 7, 2020
- Posts
- 12,212
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said,
"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple.
"But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted.
"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said,
"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple.
"But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted.
"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!
12oclocktales
dishing dirt
- Joined
- Dec 19, 2022
- Posts
- 658
A visitor to a preschool class is giving a talk on America: “And remember,” he says,” we are all Americans and because of that we are all free.”
A black boy in the back of the class raises his hand and says, “Excuse me, sir, but I’m not free.”
A little shaken by this, the visitor decides to repeat what he said: “Yes, my good little man, you are American and you are free.”
“No, sir,” the boy says. “I’m four.”
A black boy in the back of the class raises his hand and says, “Excuse me, sir, but I’m not free.”
A little shaken by this, the visitor decides to repeat what he said: “Yes, my good little man, you are American and you are free.”
“No, sir,” the boy says. “I’m four.”
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
Things are bad at home.
She says she's sick of me!
Football, Rugby,Cricket, always Sport on the Telly.
Anyway, I booked a quiet table for two last night to try and patch things up.
By 9 o clock things were 10 times worse!!
She hadn't potted a single red........
She says she's sick of me!
Football, Rugby,Cricket, always Sport on the Telly.
Anyway, I booked a quiet table for two last night to try and patch things up.
By 9 o clock things were 10 times worse!!
She hadn't potted a single red........
Either she's not very good or the guy she's with is named Ronnie.
MediocreAuthor
You can call me "M"
- Joined
- Nov 1, 2022
- Posts
- 1,539
Did you hear about the boy who was born in Dubai without any skin on his eyelids? The said he had all of the musculature necessary for blinking and everything, but just no skin.
The doctors decided to attempt an unusual procedure to fix the issue.
After the child was circumcized, the pediatric surgeon actually took the foreskin and grafted it in place as his new eyelids.
The procedure worked flawlessly, and the boy was entirely healed.
Mostly healed, I should say. I mean... they said that he did come out a little cock-eyed.
The doctors decided to attempt an unusual procedure to fix the issue.
After the child was circumcized, the pediatric surgeon actually took the foreskin and grafted it in place as his new eyelids.
The procedure worked flawlessly, and the boy was entirely healed.
Mostly healed, I should say. I mean... they said that he did come out a little cock-eyed.
