More Humour

[Handley_Page]

A woman goes to the vet with a parrot in a shoe box. The parrot has obviously snuffed it long since, but she insists that the vet does what he can. The vet takes his stethoscope to the rigid bird, but tells her ‘Sorry madam, but he’s gone’.

‘I don’t believe you’ cries the woman, ‘I demand a second opinion’. The vet tells her he will get the best help he can and leaves the room. He returns a couple of minutes later with a Labrador, who jumps onto the bench, sniffs the parrot and lets out a low groan and shakes his head at the vet. The vet says ‘There you are, I told you it was no good’.

The woman replies ‘A second rate vet and a dog?? I demand another opinion’, so the vet disappears again. Five minutes later the vet returns, this time with a tabby cat who jumps onto the bench and sniffs the parrot. The moggy instantly arches it’s back and hisses at the deceased bird, before backing away, shaking it’s head.

The vet says, ‘That’s pretty conclusive madam, there is nothing we can do here’ and puts the parrot back into the shoe box. As the woman is going through reception to leave, the vet stops here and hands her the bill.

‘£400 to tell me that my parrot is dead??? That’s extortion!’

The vet replies ‘It would have been just £5, but you insisted on the lab report, and the cat scan . . . . ‘

 

[Rustyoznail]

I shared a joke during our team's Zoom meeting today. Nobody found it remotely funny.

 

[MrPixel]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Halftime. Switch sides'

 

[EarlyDawn1973]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Halftime. Switch sides'

Lmao

 

[Handley_Page]

The 5 questions most feared by men are as follows:



1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?





What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.





Question 1: What are you thinking about?



The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."



This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:



a. Sex (with other women).

b. Football.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you.

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.



Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."



Question 2: Do you love me?



The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."



Inappropriate responses include:



a. Oh Yeah, sh1t-loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?



Question 3: Do I look fat?



The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"



Among the incorrect answers are:



a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I've seen fatter.

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.





Question 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?



Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"



Incorrect responses include:



a. Yes, but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d. Define pretty

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.



Question 5: What would you do if I died?



A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up. Questions usually along these lines...



WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: ( makes audible groan )

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: sh1t!

======================================

 

[fma20fma]

policeman: We have received complaint about your dog chasing people on motorcycles.
Reply: My dog doesnt have a motor cycle-nor can he drive one.

 

[Bubo_bubo]

Where does the mansplainer gets his water from?
From a well actually.

 

[Handley_Page]

Barman:- That will be 2.30 please sir.
Punter sips and says:- That beer`s like sex in a boat
Barman:- That good ?
Punter:- No, It`s Fcukin close to water ...

 

[Handley_Page]

The madam opened the brothel door in Butte and saw a rather dignified, a well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.
May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else ?", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row". Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Great Falls."
"Really ?," she said. "I have family in Great Falls."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister has died, and I am her attorney.
"She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

 

[Phantom300]

A young man has a big date with the cutest girl around, and is ready to have his first sexual experience, so he goes to the pharmacy to buy some condoms.

He walks in and shyly approaches the pharmacist.

"I need to buy some.... condoms"

"Well son, We have three popular packages. There's a 6 pack, a 9 pack and the 12 pack.

"Well, what's the difference?"

"You see, the 6 pack is very popular with the Latino Catholic population. You got one for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, and then you rest on Sunday"

"Oh.. OK. What about the others?"

"Welp, the 9 Pack is very popular with the African Americans in our area. That box has one for Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday; then 2 for Friday and 2 for Saturday."

"Oh, I see. So who's the 12 Pack for?"

Well, you see, that one is a big seller for the middle class White folks around here. "

"Wait, you're not telling me that they have MORE..."

"Oh no son, The 12 pack has one for January, February, March, April........

 

[Handley_Page]

The Airline Pilot settles into his seat and gives the usual talk to the passengers, he mistakenly leaves the Intercom on and tells the Co-Pilot "Im gonna have my Coffee and then get a B**w Job from that Blonde Stewardess"

Said Stewardess hears this and rushes toward the Cockpit to tell the Captain his error, Stopped midway by an elderly lady who tells her .. "Slow down love, he hasn’t finished his coffee yet"

 

[Bubo_bubo]

I was reminded of this classic one by a conversation on the forum

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:
"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."
He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."
"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."
"But ya fuck one goat.."

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Q: What’s the difference between ‘picnic’ and ‘panic’?

A: 28 days.

 

[Handley_Page]

Guy goes into a bar and buys a drink. He's looking around the bar and sees some signs. The first says 'Beefburger - £1.50', the next sign says 'Chicken & Chips £3.50'

the third sign says 'Hand job - £10.00'

He goes over to a stunning barmaid and says "are you the young lady who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes sir" she says,

He replies; "Well go and wash your hands, I want a beefburger"

 

[CarlusMagnus]

The 5 questions most feared by men are as follows:



1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?





What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.





Question 1: What are you thinking about?



The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."



This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:



a. Sex (with other women).

b. Football.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you.

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.



Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."



Question 2: Do you love me?



The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."



Inappropriate responses include:



a. Oh Yeah, sh1t-loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?



Question 3: Do I look fat?



The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"



Among the incorrect answers are:



a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I've seen fatter.

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.





Question 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?



Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"



Incorrect responses include:



a. Yes, but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d. Define pretty

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.



Question 5: What would you do if I died?



A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up. Questions usually along these lines...



WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: ( makes audible groan )

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: sh1t!

======================================

You left out the question "Do I look okay?"

I don't know the correct answer, but it isn't "You look okay."

 

[Bubo_bubo]

You left out the question "Do I look okay?"

I don't know the correct answer, but it isn't "You look okay."

"You look stunning!" and if she doesn't quite look stunning "But you would look even more stunning in ..."

 

[TheRedChamber]

I was reminded of this classic one by a conversation on the forum

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:
"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."
He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."
"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."
"But ya fuck one goat.."

My extended version of this joke from back at the start of the year.

 

[Handley_Page]

The other day a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently 'HD' was the wrong answer.


Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men.

 

[jehoram]

One day the office wag told this joke to the girls in his office: "Did you hear that the Pope raised all the urinals in the Vatican one foot? It was to keep the cardinals on their toes!"

After he left, one of the girls asked "What's a urinal?"

Another girl replied, "Hell if I know. I'm not Catholic."

 

[Handley_Page]

I went into a bar one night after a long hard day, the barman says "what would you like",
I replied "Surprise me" so he showed me a naked photo of my wife!

 

[Bubo_bubo]

Another joke inspired by posts on the forum (and roughly translated from French)

What's the difference between a blonde and a blond?
A blonde contains more semen.

 

[Handley_Page]

A man was sound asleep on a rainy night and was aroused from his sleep by a drunk pounding on his door at 3 AM.

His wife says, "Answer the door!".

So he begrudgingly gets up and goes to the door. The guy, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, "I need a push!".

The man says, "It's 3 AM. No! I can't help you." And he slams the door. He goes back to bed. And his wife says, "What was that all about?"

The man says, "It was a drunk. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm not about to out in the rain at this hour!"

The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside. The guy was nowhere to be seen.

He hollered, "Do you still need help?" "Hey buddy, do you still need a push?"

Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, "Yeah! I still need a push."

The man says, "Where are you?"

The drunk responds, "I'm over here on the swing!"

 

[Phantom300]

What's my favorite sex position you ask?

It's called the WOW.

That's when I flip your MOM over.

 

[Handley_Page]

This was an actual letter from and a reply to the Mich. Dept. of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan



Reply To: Grand Rapids District Office
State Office Building 6th Floor
350 Ottawa NW
Grand Rapids MI 49503-2341

John Engler, Governor Russell J. Harding,
Director Department Of Environmental Quality
Hollister Building,
PO Box 3073,
Lansing MI 48909-7973


December 17, 1997 CERTIFIED MAIL

Mr. Ryan De Vries
2088 Dagget Pierson,
MI 49339


Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



RESPONSE

Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) -- be sure they are read the Miranda rights first.

As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers-be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Sincerely,

Stephen L. Tvedten

 

[Sammael Bard]

A man at my wife’s workplace has been sexually harassing her, but honestly I feel like it’s her fault.

She’s the one who chose to work from home, and she knows how I feel about dat ass.