More Humour

[JoRay]

A 67-year-old man goes to the doctor for his medical exam. The doctor is stunned at what great condition the guy is in.

“You have the constitution of a 35-year-old,” the doctor tells him. “What’s your secret?”

“Well, my Daddy always told me that riding motorcycles keeps you young.”

Oh, yeah? So when did your father die?” asks the doctor.

“Who says Daddy’s dead?” retorts the patient.

“Your father is still alive?! How old is he?”

“He’s 89,” comes the reply.

“And when did he quit riding?” asks the doc.

“Who says he quit?” says the patient. “In fact, we took a 400-mile ride, the day before yesterday.”

“Wow!” the doc exclaims. “Well, when did HIS father die?”

“Who says Grandad is dead?” comes the irate reply.

“Your grandfather is still alive?! How old is he?”

“He’s 109.”

“109! I’m sure he didn’t go riding with you the other day…” comments the physician.

“No, he couldn’t come because he was in Vegas, getting married to a 22-year-old woman.”

The doc is dumbfounded. “Why would a 109-year-old want to marry a 22-year-old?” he exclaims.

“Who says he wanted to?”

(Found on the internet)

 

[Handley_Page]

The other day a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently 'HD' was the wrong answer.


Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men.

 

[Comshaw]

A sadist and a masochist meet at a bar and decide to go back to the sadist's apartment for some fun. The masochist strips, lays on the bed and the sadists ties them down.

The masochist is very turned on, writhing and moaning, "Please, whip me! Beat me! Hit me! Hurt me!"

The sadist smiles and says, "No."


Comshaw

 

[TheRedChamber]

A sadist and a masochist meet at a bar and decide to go back to the sadist's apartment for some fun. The masochist strips, lays on the bed and the sadists ties them down.

The masochist is very turned on, writhing and moaning, "Please, whip me! Beat me! Hit me! Hurt me!"

The sadist smiles and says, "No."


Comshaw

Darn you, I just included that joke in my story submitted this morning and darn the 48 hour pending process. For what it's worth I first heard that joke about thirty years ago from my History teacher. I can't for the life of me remember what the context could possibly have been, but they were very different times...

 

[Handley_Page]

A man is having a quiet drink in a pub when a tramp comes up and asks; “Want to buy this for £50”? He pulls a ferret from his pocket.
"What the hell would I want to buy that for?" asks the man.
"This ferret will give you the best blowjob of your life," the tramp says.
The guy thinks his leg is being pulled, and tells the tramp to sling his hook. Undeterred, the tramp continues, "Look, if you don’t believe me, take it outside for a free trial".
The guy takes the ferret out to the back of the pub. Straight away, the animal unzips his trousers and gives him the best blow job of his life.
So the guy carries the ferret back into the pub, gives the tramp £50 and takes the animal home. When his battleaxe of a wife opens the front door, the man proudly holds up the ferret. Look what I’ve bought for £50, he proclaims.
"What on earth did you buy that for?" She asks angrily.
"This ferret gave me the best blowjob of my life!" he exclaims.
"Well," she says, annoyed. "What the hell do you want me to do with it?"
The man replies, "Teach it how to cook and then f**k off!"

 

[Comshaw]

Darn you, I just included that joke in my story submitted this morning and darn the 48 hour pending process. For what it's worth I first heard that joke about thirty years ago from my History teacher. I can't for the life of me remember what the context could possibly have been, but they were very different times...

Sorry for stealing your thunder. I heard it about that long ago too. It doesn't surprise me you heard it from a teacher. You're right when you say those were different times.

Comshaw

 

[Sammael Bard]

Jabba the Slut

OP was MoreSteakLessFanta from Reddit. I was laughing so hard at this old gold and thought y'all could use a laugh or two. The question was:

Man Whores and Lady Sluts of Reddit, what is the sleaziest/sluttiest thing you've ever done? (nsfw)

His golden response: I've reposted this a bunch, but I don't care, I'm doing it again. No one I talk to on a daily basis know about this, so it's nice to let it out of the ol' memory bank every once in a while as it festers in the back of my mind. Some of you might complain, but whatever. I don't care. As Plato said: "Haters gonna hate."

In college I had a bit of a dry spurt, so I went to craigslist to try and get some quick, easy sex. I went to a big school with a lot of other schools in the area, so I figured I'd probably find someone in the same situation as me on the other side of the fence. I'm the type that would bang anything, so I responded to every ad on there.

There were a bunch of bots that sent replies...and one actual girl who responded. She was 19 and described as a BBW and boy was she right. When she sent her body pic, it looked like she took up the entire bed. I mean she was huge, at least 300 pounds and 6 feet tall. I'm a big guy myself, standing 6'2" and weighing about 200 (give or take 15 pounds depending on the season) but this girl looked way bigger. That night when she responded I told her I only had a couple hours which she convinced me wasn't enough time, so we set up a fuck session for later that week at her dorm.

I made sure to set up the appointment for during the day as I didn't want her to figure out my name from the security desk where you have to give your ID to go up into the building past the lobby. I get to her room and she answers the door and jesus christ is she huge. Easily makes me look like a small guy, and she was taller too. It felt like I was Princess Leia with a dick about to stick it into Jabba's sand pussy. Holy fuck what was I getting myself into?

We sit on her bed and have some awkward small talk, she whips out a bowl and we smoke. Eventually she asks me if this was the first time I'd answered an ad like that (it was) and I ask her the same (it wasn't) and catching this as a queue I whip my dick out and she gets to work. This was honestly the best blow job I've ever received. She did everything perfect, from working the head and the shaft, cupping the balls, doing crazy shit with her tongue. If everything that happened after didn't happen, I would've called her forever for blowjobs. She even said she loved giving them, and could do it for hours.

Eventually though she wants to get fucked, and I was not ready for what came next. She gave me a condom and while I strapped it on she assumed the doggy position and this awful, foul stench seeped out of her pussy. It was a combination of general lack of hygeine, a history of abuse, and maybe an STD. (I got checked afterwards, if there was one there...thank god for condoms.) For a second I froze; all my instincts told me to get all my clothing on and run out of there.

While I hesitated she popped up and said "oops, forgot something!" and went under her bed. From there she pulled out a giant, black and red tarp and laid it over the bed.

"Uh...what the fuck is this?" I asked.

"I'm a bit of a squirter."

Instinct to run: gone. At this point I had never been with a squirter, and even though this woman was foul in all other way, I manned up and got behind there. As I entered, it didn't feel good and the smell got worse but I kept on trucking. Meanwhile she's honking and hollering and I am starting to gag. Literally gagging as I'm humping this behemoth. I grab my shirt and wrap it around my face and it barely helps, but that little bit is keeping my lunch in my stomach so I continue.

She turns back as I'm fucking her doggy to see me now wearing this shirt as a face-mask bandana thing, and somehow this turns her on and she starts orgasm. And I was not ready for what came next.

"I'm a bit of a squirter"

A geyser erupted. Juice literally exploded from her vagina, and everything behind her was covered: me, the tarp, the bed posts, the wall, her random goth-band posters, her desk from the splash, my clothes on the floor the same way...if it was in the line of sight of that vagina, it was covered. I pulled out and surveyed the damage for a second and momentarily freaked out.

"Jesus christ, what the fuck just happened?"

"I'm not done."

Without hesitation I jumped back in and for the next hour, maybe two hours I humped the shit out of her in every position possible, catching the worse angles and grinding against the grosses of boils while she covered everything in that room with cum. She hit the fucking ceiling at one point, it was like someone cut the major cum artery.

It was absurd and, while one of the grossest experiences of my life, one of the greatest as well. She was one of the most disgusting people I've ever met and for sure the most disgusting I ever fucked, but making someone cum like they're Ol' Faithful for hours on end made me feel like a man in some fucked up way. Yeah, that was MY dick that was making you gush, ha ha ha! Someone give me a steak!

When we were done she sucked my dick until I came. I only came once. The smell was so grotesque that I had a hard enough time not puking let alone staying hard while we were fucking; by the end, though, I was so tired from all the work I put in I pretty much was half asleep in a puddle of her nasty-ass vagina juice while she sucked every last drop from my dick. It was insane.

I put my clothes on, left, and grabbed a bus back to my apartment. When I sat down, a couple people actually got up and moved to another seat cause I smelled so bad, but I didn't care. A couple weeks later we met up and fucked again at her place, but it wasn't the same, I focused more on her flaws instead of the insane surprise of that fire hydrant between her legs.

3 months later I bought acid from this kid and she knew him and came in during the deal, tripping herself. We went back to her room and she sucked my dick while the walls melted. After that I never saw or talked to her again.

tl;dr I fucked jabba the slut, she was a squirter, holy christ. also, fuck your stupid lochness monster

edit: A guy reads it (youtube audio))

 

[Handley_Page]

An attractive young lady travelling to the "far east" stowed away on board a ship. After a week or so, she was discovered and taken to the Captain, he was surprised to find her well fed and neat and tidy.

The Captain asked her who amongst the crew had been helping her.

She confessed that she had been to the Second Officers cabin every day for a shower and a meal, the Captain then asked "what did he want in return?, to which she replied ,
"I suppose you might say he took advantage of me",

" I"ll say he did" said the captain, "as you are on the Liverpool to Birkenhead ferry !!.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Sorry for stealing your thunder. I heard it about that long ago too. It doesn't surprise me you heard it from a teacher. You're right when you say those were different times.

Comshaw

Nevermind, just one of those 'what are the odds' type situations. Anyway since I'm here...

In the nineteenth century, a sailor with the East India Company was travelling around the orient. While in port in Bangkok he took the opportunity of visiting the local brothel. A couple of days back out at sea, he noticed a couple of red spots on his dick and it was feeling very sore. A week later there were dozens of them, all filled with foul smelling puss and he was in excruciating pain everytime he went for a piss. After two weeks his dick had turned green and he'd lost all feeling in it.

Finally, to his great relief, his ship pulled into port in Shanghai and he rushed to the company doctor to get his privates seen to. The doctor took one look the state his cock was in and quickly announced that there was nothing to do but amputate it.

Obviously the sailor wasn't very happy about this and when he was drowning his sorrows in the local bar, one of his friends suggested he visit one of the local Chinese doctor who have a completely different and holistic understanding of the human body with wisdom passed down from thousands of years. The sailer, having nothing more to lose at this point, decided to give it ago.

He takes a long a translator with him, visits this doctor in mysterious office in a back-alley of most ancient part of Shanghai. When the doctor comes out, the sailor drops his trousers. The doctor looks at his cock carefully and then him and translator have a long, very exitable conversations. Once they finish, the sailer says "Well?"

The transalor says "Good news. The doctor has examined you thoroughly and he says there's absolutely no need to amputate your penis. To be honest, this doctor has a very low view of your Western medicine, always so invasive, always so quick to cut up the body with their scaples, always working against the bodies natural processes rather than with them. "

"Okay," says the Sailor, "so what does he recommend doing?"

"He says wait another week and it will fall off all on its own."

 

[Handley_Page]

Janey was walking down High Street. As she walked past the Butchers, she glanced into the shop window. There, nestled in amongst the salami, was a sign proclaiming "Fresh from Warsaw-World's Largest Sausage."

Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage she had ever seen. It must've been at least eight inches in diameter, and two feet long.

"That's a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage," she thought. "Oh well, I'll try anything once."

So she walked into the shop, heaved the 20 lb. monster down off the hook and, plunking it down on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" cried Janey in dismay. "What do you think I am? A slot machine?"

 

[Candy_Kane54]

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.

2 Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensives to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

15. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

 

[Sammael Bard]

Bob's a truck driver. Bob gets bored on long drives, so he came up with a game. If he sees a lawyer walking on the sidewalk, he'll hop the curb and run him over.

One day, Bob picks up a hitchhiking priest. The priest is quietly studying his Bible. Bob sees a lawyer. Because the priest was so quiet, Bob forgot he was there, and hopped the curb. Just before he ran over the lawyer, he remembered there was a man of the cloth aboard, and swerved back onto the street.

"I'm sorry about that, father."

"Don't worry, my son. I got him with my door."

 

[Handley_Page]

During a tour of the flagship, HMS Victory, a French tourist asked if "these were the original cannonballs used at Trafalgar ?"
Quick as a flash the guide replied, "No, Madame, the French navy still has those".

 

[Privates1stClass]

A lady had a small dog that had ear problems, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet told her, "He has too much hair in his ears. Moisture collects in there which causes ear infections. I'd give you some hair remover, but I don't have any right now, so just go to a pharmacy and ask for hair remover. The pharmacist will help you."

The lady went to the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist for some hair remover. The pharmacist asked, "Are you going to use it under your arms?"

"Oh no," the lady said. "I'm going to use it on my schnauzer."

"Well, in that case," the pharmacist answered, "I'd suggest you don't ride a bicycle for two weeks."

 

[Handley_Page]

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you Done wrong? Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably Never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer To the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required Pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the Front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told

Scientists have discovered food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Women will never be equal to men.. Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and Still think they are sexy.

 

[Maxiine]

Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros.

 

[Maxiine]

During a tour of the flagship, HMS Victory, a French tourist asked if "these were the original cannonballs used at Trafalgar ?"
Quick as a flash the guide replied, "No, Madame, the French navy still has those".

This reminds me of an old joke.

On one of his visits to London, Charles de Gaulle asked Winston Churchill if the Waterloo Railway Station might be renamed in view of the post war alliance between France and Great Britain.

"Certainly," said Sir Winston, "would you prefer 'London-Agincourt', or 'London-Crécy'?"

 

[Handley_Page]

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Three women have just entered heaven, and are standing in front of an angel and St. Peter to find out what kinds of special privileges they'll have while there. He says to the women, "I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?"

The first woman answers "I have only had sex with one man, my husband. And our first time was on our wedding night." St. Peter turns to the angel and says "Ah, a woman who has lived as God intended, and certainly deserving of reward. Give her a key to the golden room."

The second woman says, "I have never known a man's touch. I was a nun, and stayed in the sisterhood since I was only a young lass." St. Peter turned to the angel and said "Truly exceptional, a woman who has gone above and beyond in service of God. Give her a key to the platinum room!"

The third woman says "I fucked 239 dudes: 67 before I met my husband, 35 while we were dating, 12 while we were engaged, 78 while we were married and 46 after he died."

St. Peter stood stunned for a second, then leaned over to the angel and whispered, "Give her a key to my room."

 

[Handley_Page]

A Veteran bought two cases of beer on sale and placed them on the front seat of his car and headed back home.

He stopped at a service station to get fuel and a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open.

She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on his passenger window.

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in bartering so would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

The Veteran thought for a few seconds and asked, .... "What kind of beer have you got?''

 

[Maxiine]

After his 92 year old grandfather told him about having 22 year old girlfriend, and asked him if he had any condoms, the grandson said: "Gramps you know sex might prove fatal."

"I don't think so," Gramps replied, "she's healthy, but if she dies, she dies..."

 

[Handley_Page]

The other day a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently 'HD' was the wrong answer.


Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men.

 

[Maxiine]

The other day a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently 'HD' was the wrong answer.

I view them like any other...with my telescope.

 

[Handley_Page]

The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited. Cinderella was excited but her wicked stepmother and the ugly step sisters would not let her go. She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her.

"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?"

"Because my stepmother and stepsisters won't let me go to the ball."

"You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you."

"Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!" Cinderella happily gushed.

"There is just one condition, Cinderella, and you must listen to it carefully," warned the fairy godmother. "You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your fanny will turn into a melon".

Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball. The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him.

The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition that her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon. The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork. He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin.

He said to Cinderella, as he laid the rind aside, "What time do you have to be home?"

"About half past two," she replied

 

[TheRedChamber]

The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited. Cinderella was excited but her wicked stepmother and the ugly step sisters would not let her go. She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her.

"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?"

"Because my stepmother and stepsisters won't let me go to the ball."

"You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you."

"Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!" Cinderella happily gushed.

"There is just one condition, Cinderella, and you must listen to it carefully," warned the fairy godmother. "You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your fanny will turn into a melon".

Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball. The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him.

The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition that her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon. The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork. He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin.

He said to Cinderella, as he laid the rind aside, "What time do you have to be home?"

"About half past two," she replied

In a similar vein...

Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (Georgia) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around," he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.

"Guess I was really into it, y'know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Deputy Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin." Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence... "I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: "A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?"

source: http://jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/policejokes.html