Exploring Polyamory

[PolyCurious]

This website is probably one of the best resources I've found. I would say it's probably worth reading some bits together and talking about things as you go.

I've worked out in my 50s that I'm not wired for monogamy. However, actually realising that has been less easy than I expected, for various reasons. (I have a whole looooooooooong thread about that. Two threads actually - one died a natural death and I started another one.)

Thank you for the website!

 

[PolyCurious]

As said previously just go slowly. Dip your toe in the water and see if it is for you both. The tricky part is finding a the right person or couple

That is something we have discussed. The challenges of finding the right person. He has joined a few groups on Facebook (one local poly group). They have social events but with the current state of the US, those haven't occurred. They are designed to be hookups but do allow the meeting of like minded people. We live in a fairly conservative area as well, but are of the mindset it will happen naturally if its supposed to at this point.

 

[PolyCurious]

If you go into it with a lot of rules, it will fail.

Polyamory is about the freedom to explore intimacy with other people. That can't be done with walls built up in hopes of limiting that intimacy. Understand that your partner may develop feelings for someone else, and that those feelings may test or even destroy your relationship. If your relationship fails, then it wasn't as strong as you thought it was. If your relationship survives, it will be much, much richer. But no matter how it plays out, the result will always be in your best interest.

Be honest and open, but most of all, be considerate of others.

Good luck.

Thank you for your advice. Right now we are focusing on building our relationship. It has been interesting to start it off with the discussing of exploring intimacy with others when neither of us have had that. At the same time, it is very freeing to be open and honest. I personally feel it has deepened our intimacy to be able to do that.

 

[PolyCurious]

"if I'm in a relationship that has some significance to me, I just check in with that person all the time to see how they're feeling. It's not their job to create rules about my behaviour - it's my job to ensure that they still feel cared for and loved."

I loved this, thank you!

 

[PolyCurious]

I would consider doing a RP on poly at a public forum if there are enthusiasts .
welcome to read my profile.

Thank you for the advice, we will consider that. We thought it might be a good starting point.

 

[PolyCurious]

Thank you all for your advice, we really appreciate the feedback. I'm sure we will have more questions.

 

[MrRetro]

This is very important. In order to accept the prospect of your SO having sex with another person you need to rely on confidence in your relationship and in the judgment of your partner. You can't replicate those things with a set of rules.

Rules will not limit the feelings that your partner has with their lovers and may well create resentment and artificial (and potentially arbitrary) limitations. I almost always have some degree of feelings for my lovers. That is natural. But my love and affection is not a finite resource and the real connection I have with my lovers does not diminish that which I have with my husband or any other lover.

Human emotions are far too complex to be subject to a set of rules. We can't write a rulebook detailed enough to cover every possibility. The attempt to do so could lead to unexpected consequences. The corollary of a complete rulebook is that anything not explicitly forbidden is fair game.

In many ways the much higher standard that I seek to achieve is that I must take my husband's and my lover's feelings into account. I must be considerate of them and make sure to protect their interests. I will not allow them to arbitrarily constrain my sexual pleasure to assuage their insecurities and the quid pro quo is that I must be vigilant not to hurt them and "well there was no rule against X" is not an adequate excuse if I do.

I think this is one of the best written paragraphs I’ve read on the topic.. I couldn’t agree more..

 

[MrRetro]

This is very important. In order to accept the prospect of your SO having sex with another person you need to rely on confidence in your relationship and in the judgment of your partner. You can't replicate those things with a set of rules.

Rules will not limit the feelings that your partner has with their lovers and may well create resentment and artificial (and potentially arbitrary) limitations. I almost always have some degree of feelings for my lovers. That is natural. But my love and affection is not a finite resource and the real connection I have with my lovers does not diminish that which I have with my husband or any other lover.

Human emotions are far too complex to be subject to a set of rules. We can't write a rulebook detailed enough to cover every possibility. The attempt to do so could lead to unexpected consequences. The corollary of a complete rulebook is that anything not explicitly forbidden is fair game.

In many ways the much higher standard that I seek to achieve is that I must take my husband's and my lover's feelings into account. I must be considerate of them and make sure to protect their interests. I will not allow them to arbitrarily constrain my sexual pleasure to assuage their insecurities and the quid pro quo is that I must be vigilant not to hurt them and "well there was no rule against X" is not an adequate excuse if I do.

What you write about here should be commonly understood, humans are of course far more than just physical beings and require so much more than this somewhat primitive interaction.. Anyone embarking upon this lifestyle and anticipating their SO won’t develop some sort of an emotional connection has to be delirious..

What you write about being considerate and respectful is spot on..

 

[policywank]

What you write about here should be commonly understood, humans are of course far more than just physical beings and require so much more than this somewhat primitive interaction.. Anyone embarking upon this lifestyle and anticipating their SO won’t develop some sort of an emotional connection has to be delirious..

What you write about being considerate and respectful is spot on..

Thank you. I am still surprised by the number of men who talk about how they are ok with their wife having sex with other guys "as long as....". What follows is almost always something that can't be predicted or controlled.

 

[pplwatching]

.....

 

[bunny4med]

Was in a poly for a few years until the death of my husband. Open communication is the key. It keeps the jealousy feelings away. I think it takes special people to form a good triad that will work.