Exploring Polyamory

[PolyCurious]

I've recently started seeing someone and we have discussed a mutual interest in polyamory. We have both been in monogamous relationships but have had fantasies of being with more than one partner, together and individually. Curious to hear how other people have handled the initial exploration stage.

Any advice would be appreciated!

 

[Kupkake92]

My husband and I have not explored it but it is pretty fascinating honestly.

 

[Erotic69er]

Sharing can be lovely

I've recently started seeing someone and we have discussed a mutual interest in polyamory. We have both been in monogamous relationships but have had fantasies of being with more than one partner, together and individually. Curious to hear how other people have handled the initial exploration stage.

Any advice would be appreciated!

It’s not for everyone but if it genuinely appeals to both of you give it a try and see if it works for you both. It’s the only way you will know.
I lodged with an older couple at University who were very bohemian and in an open marriage. We formed a very loving ménage a trois. The sex was often mind blowing.
They persuaded me to find an equally open minded girlfriend to join them. Slightly possessive at first she soon got into the swing of things. Sheila and her grew very close and introduced us to another couple. We enjoyed swapping partners very much and often played as a group.
I’d say think it out re your boundaries but if you find the right person or couple you will enjoy it. We enjoyed exploring our bisexual sides. I’ve Fully embraced my sexuality ever since.

 

[phil1955]

The only way to find out is try it. Try to go slow. We are an older couple and just started exploring. What started s a hot wife situation has turned into a semi poly relationship. He has his own place but she visits him alone and sometimes we all play.

 

[screwher]

With this current crisis going on I kind of thought about this kind of relationship. What if for some reason one of my wife’s lovers(probably Greg) needed a place to stay for quarantine purposes. Would we/could we open up our home to him full time. It would basically be a polyamorous then. We’d convert the spare room into his bedroom. Or would I sleep there while he sleeps in our bedroom. My wife alternating nights. Cook and eat meals together as well as leisure time.

Then of course the sex!

 

[Justfantasies]

With this current crisis going on I kind of thought about this kind of relationship. What if for some reason one of my wife’s lovers(probably Greg) needed a place to stay for quarantine purposes. Would we/could we open up our home to him full time. It would basically be a polyamorous then. We’d convert the spare room into his bedroom. Or would I sleep there while he sleeps in our bedroom. My wife alternating nights. Cook and eat meals together as well as leisure time.

Then of course the sex!

r
I spent a weekend with a GF and another of her lovers at her home. Good food, lots of fun, lots of sex

 

[KimGordon67]

This website is probably one of the best resources I've found. I would say it's probably worth reading some bits together and talking about things as you go.

I've worked out in my 50s that I'm not wired for monogamy. However, actually realising that has been less easy than I expected, for various reasons. (I have a whole looooooooooong thread about that. Two threads actually - one died a natural death and I started another one.)

 

[KimGordon67]

r
I spent a weekend with a GF and another of her lovers at her home. Good food, lots of fun, lots of sex

That's more an extended threesome. Obviously great fun, but I get the feeling that's not what the OP is asking about.

 

[Justfantasies]

That's more an extended threesome. Obviously great fun, but I get the feeling that's not what the OP is asking about.

Fair point. But her relationship with this man and with me continued for several more years

 

[Erotic69er]

The best thing is to try it out

As said previously just go slowly. Dip your toe in the water and see if it is for you both. The tricky part is finding a the right person or couple

 

[Mtnmike]

The only way to find out is try it. Try to go slow. We are an older couple and just started exploring. What started s a hot wife situation has turned into a semi poly relationship. He has his own place but she visits him alone and sometimes we all play.

Wow, your life took a turn quickly

 

[Mtnmike]

With this current crisis going on I kind of thought about this kind of relationship. What if for some reason one of my wife’s lovers(probably Greg) needed a place to stay for quarantine purposes. Would we/could we open up our home to him full time. It would basically be a polyamorous then. We’d convert the spare room into his bedroom. Or would I sleep there while he sleeps in our bedroom. My wife alternating nights. Cook and eat meals together as well as leisure time.

Then of course the sex!

You brought up some interesting points.

 

[Mtnmike]

This website is probably one of the best resources I've found. I would say it's probably worth reading some bits together and talking about things as you go.

I've worked out in my 50s that I'm not wired for monogamy. However, actually realising that has been less easy than I expected, for various reasons. (I have a whole looooooooooong thread about that. Two threads actually - one died a natural death and I started another one.)

Thanks Kim, I will check it out, for curiosity purposes.

 

[littlecordelera]

If you go into it with a lot of rules, it will fail.

Polyamory is about the freedom to explore intimacy with other people. That can't be done with walls built up in hopes of limiting that intimacy. Understand that your partner may develop feelings for someone else, and that those feelings may test or even destroy your relationship. If your relationship fails, then it wasn't as strong as you thought it was. If your relationship survives, it will be much, much richer. But no matter how it plays out, the result will always be in your best interest.

Be honest and open, but most of all, be considerate of others.

Good luck.

 

[KimGordon67]

If you go into it with a lot of rules, it will fail.

Polyamory is about the freedom to explore intimacy with other people. That can't be done with walls built up in hopes of limiting that intimacy. Understand that your partner may develop feelings for someone else, and that those feelings may test or even destroy your relationship. If your relationship fails, then it wasn't as strong as you thought it was. If your relationship survives, it will be much, much richer. But no matter how it plays out, the result will always be in your best interest.

Be honest and open, but most of all, be considerate of others.

Good luck.

Yeah, this. My now-very-ex BF eventually decided he was 'OK' with me seeing other guys, but set so many rules around it (which also seemed to change without warning) that it was effectively impossible to actually do. The irony here is that he obviously thought all those rules would protect his relationship with me. But ultimately I just left him.
I tend to take a different approach ... if I'm in a relationship that has some significance to me, I just check in with that person all the time to see how they're feeling. It's not their job to create rules about my behaviour - it's my job to ensure that they still feel cared for and loved. (Hopefully it's obvious that there's some basic groundrules you can probably both agree are reasonable, like 'always practice safe sex', 'no people I don't know in our bed', things like that.)
This has only really happened in practice with one relationship, though. But I think it's useful to think about how you prioritise things.

 

[Rosa2019]

I would consider doing a RP on poly at a public forum if there are enthusiasts .
welcome to read my profile.

 

[phil1955]

If you go into it with a lot of rules, it will fail.

Polyamory is about the freedom to explore intimacy with other people. That can't be done with walls built up in hopes of limiting that intimacy. Understand that your partner may develop feelings for someone else, and that those feelings may test or even destroy your relationship. If your relationship fails, then it wasn't as strong as you thought it was. If your relationship survives, it will be much, much richer. But no matter how it plays out, the result will always be in your best interest.

Be honest and open, but most of all, be considerate of others.

Good luck.

I can see your point here. One of the things we discussed before starting was that she would not be expected to hold back to protect my feelings. As it is working out, he and I have become friends while it is more of a FB relationship with he and Sam.

 

[Erotic69er]

Sharing is caring.

I can see your point here. One of the things we discussed before starting was that she would not be expected to hold back to protect my feelings. As it is working out, he and I have become friends while it is more of a FB relationship with he and Sam.

I think that polyamory only works well if you can share your love And friendship as well as your bodies. For some that is desirable for other it’s not feasible.

 

[policywank]

If you go into it with a lot of rules, it will fail.

Polyamory is about the freedom to explore intimacy with other people. That can't be done with walls built up in hopes of limiting that intimacy. Understand that your partner may develop feelings for someone else, and that those feelings may test or even destroy your relationship. If your relationship fails, then it wasn't as strong as you thought it was. If your relationship survives, it will be much, much richer. But no matter how it plays out, the result will always be in your best interest.

Be honest and open, but most of all, be considerate of others.

Good luck.

This is very important. In order to accept the prospect of your SO having sex with another person you need to rely on confidence in your relationship and in the judgment of your partner. You can't replicate those things with a set of rules.

Rules will not limit the feelings that your partner has with their lovers and may well create resentment and artificial (and potentially arbitrary) limitations. I almost always have some degree of feelings for my lovers. That is natural. But my love and affection is not a finite resource and the real connection I have with my lovers does not diminish that which I have with my husband or any other lover.

Human emotions are far too complex to be subject to a set of rules. We can't write a rulebook detailed enough to cover every possibility. The attempt to do so could lead to unexpected consequences. The corollary of a complete rulebook is that anything not explicitly forbidden is fair game.

In many ways the much higher standard that I seek to achieve is that I must take my husband's and my lover's feelings into account. I must be considerate of them and make sure to protect their interests. I will not allow them to arbitrarily constrain my sexual pleasure to assuage their insecurities and the quid pro quo is that I must be vigilant not to hurt them and "well there was no rule against X" is not an adequate excuse if I do.

 

[Scareltt]

Back to the original question..

I've recently started seeing someone and we have discussed a mutual interest in polyamory. We have both been in monogamous relationships but have had fantasies of being with more than one partner, together and individually. Curious to hear how other people have handled the initial exploration stage.

Any advice would be appreciated!

Dedeker Winston has an interesting book about Polyamory. It’s “The Smart Girls Guide to Polyamory” the title is a touch misleading because I feel like both men and women could benefit from reading it..

 

[dannyboy1958]

r
I spent a weekend with a GF and another of her lovers at her home. Good food, lots of fun, lots of sex

interesting, love to chat about it at some time, if your willing?

 

[Justfantasies]

Dedeker Winston has an interesting book about Polyamory. It’s “The Smart Girls Guide to Polyamory” the title is a touch misleading because I feel like both men and women could benefit from reading it..

It will work if you really want it to work. I think it is natural for men and women to want more than one partner, everyone is different sexually so multiple partners can be life expanding. The biggest problem is jealousy -- some people are naturally jealous and that seems to destroy the possibility of polyamory. Other people are turned on by their partners adventures.

 

[Scareltt]

Like anything else..

It will work if you really want it to work. I think it is natural for men and women to want more than one partner, everyone is different sexually so multiple partners can be life expanding. The biggest problem is jealousy -- some people are naturally jealous and that seems to destroy the possibility of polyamory. Other people are turned on by their partners adventures.

Sure jealousy is one potential issue. There are others cohabitation can be a challenge. Balancing schedules another. How do you handle the whole hierarchy of relationships? What if you simply don’t get along with your partners metamour?

It’s never as simple as one thing..

 

[Justfantasies]

Sure jealousy is one potential issue. There are others cohabitation can be a challenge. Balancing schedules another. How do you handle the whole hierarchy of relationships? What if you simply don’t get along with your partners metamour?

It’s never as simple as one thing..

No it isn't and there is no doubt that polyamory adds to the usual complexity associated with sex and loving. People break up and get together all the time, no different with polyamory.

But the mathematics of multiple relationships adds to that -- a couple is one relationship, four people in a polyamorous relationship is 6 individual relationships, five people 10 relationships. I have only been in relationships where there people are involved.

It seems to work best where either it is all a bit casual as far as the sex is concerned or where it is clear that one person is in charge.

 

[BBCfan]

I've recently started seeing someone and we have discussed a mutual interest in polyamory. We have both been in monogamous relationships but have had fantasies of being with more than one partner, together and individually. Curious to hear how other people have handled the initial exploration stage.

Any advice would be appreciated!

I was in a poly relationship for 4 years or so. Great experience...working through jealousy and insecurity surrounding her interactions with others was very challenging at first but super expanding to evolve past those harmful emotions.

That said she was an awesome partner that always was super honest and super supportive and focused on our partnership first.

I would just be aware that the female will always be able to find WAY more partners than the male if she desires.
In my case she had already been in the lifestyle for awhile so was less interested in pursuing it that fervently.

She more got off on my experiences, and at that point I had a pretty strong game and was able to provide her with some decent experiences to share.

It was a fun time but a LOT of work to be honest in my interactions and find women who were open to such arrangements.

I actually found it a bit overwhelming to balance the emotional needs of the women and realized after awhile I actually preferred one woman at a time to be connected to physically and emotionally.

That is coming from a place of someone who was never married and had LOTS of experiences pursuing countless women over the years. I can imagine if one is married young it might be a very different perspective.

Best of luck on your journey. I would say super honest and great communication is necessary for any chance of poly of mono success.