Twist a wish

[Tio_Narratore]

You aren’t. You have undergone early menopause and no longer need to deal with it. Unfortunately, you’re lost any interest in sex, too.

*****

I wish for the libido and ability I had at 20.

And so you do. Plenty of desire, for sure, but the ability you remembered wasn't quite how you remembered it. A lifetime of frustration awaits you.


I wish I could find Patricia again.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

I wish I could find Patricia again.

Well, it's your day for sure. Here she comes down your walk now.

Along with her attorney, two marshals, a restraining order and a horde of reporters.

You nasty, naughty lad, you...

++++

I wish it were bedtime.

 

[HectorBidon]

I wish it were bedtime.

It were.

I wish I'd never started this damn thread in the first place.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

It were.

I wish I'd never started this damn thread in the first place.

And . . .Poof! You nev

 

[BelleCanzuto]

And . . .Poof! You nev

But then someone else comes along and starts it over again. Also, that someone wonders if HectorBiden and ThisNameIsn'tTakenYet are the same person?

~~~~~
I wish I was wealthy enough to afford $2500 /shot Scotch. Then I might actually drink Scotch...

 

[NotWise]

I wish I was wealthy enough to afford $2500 /shot Scotch. Then I might actually drink Scotch...

This one requires more of a bang! thud! than a poof! but now you own the state of Pennsylvania. You are incredibly wealthy and you can drink up all the vintage $2500/shot scotch that you can get under your nose.

In one drunken night you completely lose any taste for scotch (which you apparently didn't start with anyway) and blow all of Pennsylvania on a bet that Tony Curtis wasn't gay. Now Donald Trump owns Pennsylvania, and you and your hangover (which is sooo bad that it's taken on a personality of its own) are watching old Tony Curtis movies.

Enjoy.

beep. beep. beep.

I'd like to take a journey to the center of the earth, a la Jules Verne.

 

[Voboy]

This one requires more of a bang! thud! than a poof! but now you own the state of Pennsylvania. You are incredibly wealthy and you can drink up all the vintage $2500/shot scotch that you can get under your nose.

In one drunken night you completely lose any taste for scotch (which you apparently didn't start with anyway) and blow all of Pennsylvania on a bet that Tony Curtis wasn't gay. Now Donald Trump owns Pennsylvania, and you and your hangover (which is sooo bad that it's taken on a personality of its own) are watching old Tony Curtis movies.

Enjoy.

beep. beep. beep.

I'd like to take a journey to the center of the earth, a la Jules Verne.

Poof.

In more ways than one: it’s pretty hot down there.

I wish my house had a moat.

 

[JamesMiehoff]

Poof.

In more ways than one: it’s pretty hot down there.

I wish my house had a moat.

You move to Houston, just before the next big storm. When you wake up, your house has a moat. Well, actually more like a river and it's flowing right through your house.

------------------

I wish I could get my wife to wake me up with a blowjob a couple of times a week.

James

 

[TarnishedPenny]

I wish I could get my wife to wake me up with a blowjob a couple of times a week.

And... wish granted!

The BJ Fairy notes however that you didn’t specifically say blowjobs that have, shall we say, ‘happy endings’.

Have fun going back to sleep with a woody and blueballs.

A couple of times a week.

......

I wish my back didn’t hurt.

 

[JamesMiehoff]

And... wish granted!

The BJ Fairy notes however that you didn’t specifically say blowjobs that have, shall we say, ‘happy endings’.

Have fun going back to sleep with a woody and blueballs.

A couple of times a week.

......

I wish my back didn’t hurt.

Your wish has been granted. One of the foremost spinal surgeons has taken your case. Unfortunately, the night before your surgery, he was dumped by his boyfriend, he got really drunk and when he did the surgery the scalpel slipped, severing your spinal cord. But the good news is that you now have a place in the head museum.

------

I wish I had never poked my nose into this thread.

James

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Your wish has been granted. One of the foremost spinal surgeons has taken your case. Unfortunately, the night before your surgery, he was dumped by his boyfriend, he got really drunk and when he did the surgery the scalpel slipped, severing your spinal cord. But the good news is that you now have a place in the head museum.

------

I wish I had never poked my nose into this thread.

James

And so you never did. All evidence of your existence disappears as you fall into an endless loop of "It's a Wonderful Life."

I wish my cat would listen to me sometimes.

 

[NotWise]

And so you never did. All evidence of your existence disappears as you fall into an endless loop of "It's a Wonderful Life."

I wish my cat would listen to me sometimes.

Of course, your cat listens to you. It comes to believe that you're the despicable, cat-hating ape who had it neutered. So it darts between your feet while you approach the top of the stairs and sends you tumbling into your basement where you aren't discovered until the cat has been feeding on your remains for a couple weeks.

* * *

I wish new technology weren't so hard for old people to grasp.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Of course, your cat listens to you. It comes to believe that you're the despicable, cat-hating ape who had it neutered. So it darts between your feet while you approach the top of the stairs and sends you tumbling into your basement where you aren't discovered until the cat has been feeding on your remains for a couple weeks.

* * *

I wish new technology weren't so hard for old people to grasp.

And it isn't. All new technology, including computers and smart phones, come with large, easy-grip handles so you can grasp them without trouble. Using them is still beyond you, however.

I wish I were at sea again.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

I wish I were at sea again.

And now you are.

Chained behind an oar of an Ottoman war galley headed for the battle of Lepanto.

Good luck.

 

[JamesMiehoff]

And now you are.

Chained behind an oar of an Ottoman war galley headed for the battle of Lepanto.

Good luck.

I wish TP had added a wish so this thread wouldn't die.

James

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Oopsie. Thanks for catching that, James.

I wish I understood my phone better.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

Oopsie. Thanks for catching that, James.

I wish I understood my phone better.

You do, you understand your phone better. Unfortunately, your phone also understand you better. At least it thinks it does. And now instead of doing what you command it to do, it does what it assumes you really want. It's right less than half the time.

~~~~
I wish I hadn't eaten all that ice cream.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

You do, you understand your phone better. Unfortunately, your phone also understand you better. At least it thinks it does. And now instead of doing what you command it to do, it does what it assumes you really want. It's right less than half the time.

~~~~
I wish I hadn't eaten all that ice cream.

And so you didn't. You left one-half of one percent of it behind. The remainder reminds you of what you shouldn't have done.

I wish I had an 18" bodhran.

 

[HectorBidon]

I wish I had an 18" bodhran.

Ba-ba-boom! Your bodhran is now a whopping 18". Everybody notices, it's hard to conceal it. It's a lot bigger than you're accustomed to, but your fingers soon get the hang of it. Your lady friends are not quite sure what to think. They used to enjoy watching you play with your smaller instrument, but now... They stop responding to your invitations. You end up playing by yourself and eating way too much ice cream.

I wish people didn't take me so seriously.

 

[EvelynEden]

Ba-ba-boom! Your bodhran is now a whopping 18". Everybody notices, it's hard to conceal it. It's a lot bigger than you're accustomed to, but your fingers soon get the hang of it. Your lady friends are not quite sure what to think. They used to enjoy watching you play with your smaller instrument, but now... They stop responding to your invitations. You end up playing by yourself and eating way too much ice cream.

I wish people didn't take me so seriously.

They don't take you so seriously, in fact... they don't take you seriously at all. It seems that everything you say seems to give the impression that you are joking or just straight-up lying, and you can't seem to find a way for people to actually believe what you say. Now, you are kinda in ranking with the Boy Who Cried Wolf... just hopefully with a better ending...






|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||




I wish I could read peoples minds...

 

[TarnishedPenny]

I wish I could read peoples minds...

Wish granted. You are now totally, completely aware of what everybody within 10m of you is thinking.

About you.

All of it.

You are bombarded with everything they think about you, your body, your hair, your makeup, your clothes, your intelligence (or lack of it), your conversation, your sanitary and dietary habits, your efficiency at work, your trustworthiness - all of it.

You'd move to a convent to get away from it, but then you read the Mother Superior's mind...

+++++

I wish I could get over this writer's block.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Wish granted. You are now totally, completely aware of what everybody within 10m of you is thinking.

About you.

All of it.

You are bombarded with everything they think about you, your body, your hair, your makeup, your clothes, your intelligence (or lack of it), your conversation, your sanitary and dietary habits, your efficiency at work, your trustworthiness - all of it.

You'd move to a convent to get away from it, but then you read the Mother Superior's mind...

+++++

I wish I could get over this writer's block.

And suddenly Finnegan's ladder appears before you, just tall enough to get you atop that block. And the words tumble, splatterclattering loquaciously from mensmanus to paper, beyond and beyant the aforementioned impedimentum. Rédigeridoo echoing and reechoing firstsecondthird in sonorobasso.. Scriberécrirescríobhpisać!


I wish I could be a bit more pre-modern.

 

[JamesMiehoff]

And suddenly Finnegan's ladder appears before you, just tall enough to get you atop that block. And the words tumble, splatterclattering loquaciously from mensmanus to paper, beyond and beyant the aforementioned impedimentum. Rédigeridoo echoing and reechoing firstsecondthird in sonorobasso.. Scriberécrirescríobhpisać!


I wish I could be a bit more pre-modern.

Your wish is my command. You wake up in a cave dressed in untanned skins. Thousands of fleas rearrange themselves as you go out to pee. You forgot to look around you exited your cave and you are now lunch for a family of Sabre-tooth tigers. Bad luck.

I wish the lottery fairy would stop giving me all the wrong numbers. She's got great tits, but bad luck picking numbers.

 

[NotWise]

Your wish is my command. You wake up in a cave dressed in untanned skins. Thousands of fleas rearrange themselves as you go out to pee. You forgot to look around you exited your cave and you are now lunch for a family of Sabre-tooth tigers. Bad luck.

I wish the lottery fairy would stop giving me all the wrong numbers. She's got great tits, but bad luck picking numbers.

So she does. The lottery fairy now gives you all the right numbers -- except for that very last one. Still, they weren't all wrong.

You see, the lottery fairy wants to be appreciated for her abilities and the accomplishments she's worked to achieve, not for her great tits. They're nice to have, but they were just a gift.

* * *

I wish it were easier to write action scenes.

 

[Rustyoznail]

I wish it were easier to write action scenes.

Poof! You are a whiz at writing action scenes, but only those involving car chases that include Lada Nivas.

Everything else is rubbish. Including your previous mastery of sex action scenes. Oh well, maybe someone from Russia will appreciate your talent.

*****

I wish I could get a free 30ml sample of the $2500 whisky people have been talking about.