Would the story work:agirl telling on phone on the sexual adventures she did that day

[sweetdreamssss]

So this is the one shot story i wrote where a landlord seduces the author and her roommate written in first person narrative

https://www.literotica.com/s/indian-landlord-vs-the-tenant-girls

Due to public demand,i wrote a second part where he does threesome with them.

https://www.literotica.com/s/indian-landlord-vs-the-tenant-girls-pt-02

Now the third part involves the author traveling to her hometown for the weekend and she has semi public sex in a dark bus

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-thrilling-bus-ride-in-india


And she receives a call where her friend tells her what she did ..

It involves a bit of exhibitionism and semi public sex where they almost get caught.

Do you think a phone call describing the sex would work ?

 

[Smoothshavendad]

So this is the one shot story i wrote where a landlord seduces the author and her roommate written in first person narrative

https://www.literotica.com/s/indian-landlord-vs-the-tenant-girls

Due to public demand,i wrote a second part where he does threesome with them.

https://www.literotica.com/s/indian-landlord-vs-the-tenant-girls-pt-02

Now the third part involves the author traveling to her hometown for the weekend and she has semi public sex in a dark bus

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-thrilling-bus-ride-in-india


And she receives a call where her friend tells her what she did ..

It involves a bit of exhibitionism and semi public sex where they almost get caught.

Do you think a phone call describing the sex would work ?

I like the idea, especially if she and girlfriend both get really turned on by the conversation. Perhaps even start masturbating together on the phone

 

[SimonDoom]

So this is the one shot story i wrote where a landlord seduces the author and her roommate written in first person narrative

https://www.literotica.com/s/indian-landlord-vs-the-tenant-girls

Due to public demand,i wrote a second part where he does threesome with them.

https://www.literotica.com/s/indian-landlord-vs-the-tenant-girls-pt-02

Now the third part involves the author traveling to her hometown for the weekend and she has semi public sex in a dark bus

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-thrilling-bus-ride-in-india


And she receives a call where her friend tells her what she did ..

It involves a bit of exhibitionism and semi public sex where they almost get caught.

Do you think a phone call describing the sex would work ?

Ask and answer this question: What does the phone call add to the story?

You could just write a story about the friend narrating an exhibitionist/public sex incident. What does it add to the story to have the friend narrate it in the form of a phone call to someone?

The problem with doing it this way is that it risks putting distance between the story and the reader, because the reader will be aware at all times that the story is being narrated during a phone call to someone else. The reader will have to look at quotation marks around the narration.

I think a story within a quote is usually best done in small bits, but that might just be me.

 

[sweetdreamssss]

Ask and answer this question: What does the phone call add to the story?

You could just write a story about the friend narrating an exhibitionist/public sex incident. What does it add to the story to have the friend narrate it in the form of a phone call to someone?

The problem with doing it this way is that it risks putting distance between the story and the reader, because the reader will be aware at all times that the story is being narrated during a phone call to someone else. The reader will have to look at quotation marks around the narration.

I think a story within a quote is usually best done in small bits, but that might just be me.

Thanks Simon

This story is 3rd part of the landlord vs tenant girl series.

Over the course of my story you can see that the author Madiha is the mature one and Neha her friend is very culpable..

The author would have never agreed to the trials put by the landlord and she gets shocked hearing from Neha ..

If you can read the story you can get an idea of the character and how would it be to hear from a phone as i can't change the person of narration in the middle

 

[LoquiSordidaAdMe]

... i can't change the person of narration in the middle

That's exactly what I thought reading your initial post - you're trying to keep the same first-person narrator for another character's story. Your phone call idea is actually a good one for that goal, but you can cheat it a little.

Open the story with Madiha narrating when she gets the phone call. After some pleasantries, when Neha gets into her story, you can discreetly shift the perspective to her point if view as she narrates the whole take. There doesn't have to be any back and forth with Madiha during this; just tell Neha's story. At the end of the story, as the phone call wraps up, you can shift back to Madiha as the narrator. That way Madiha is still the narrator for the larger encapsulating story.

It could tricky to make change overs seamless. If that doesn't work for you, you can simply write Madiha's opening, put in a *** line break and write Neha's story, then another *** linebreak and Madiha's closing.

 

[sweetdreamssss]

That's exactly what I thought reading your initial post - you're trying to keep the same first-person narrator for another character's story. Your phone call idea is actually a good one for that goal, but you can cheat it a little.

Open the story with Madiha narrating when she gets the phone call. After some pleasantries, when Neha gets into her story, you can discreetly shift the perspective to her point if view as she narrates the whole take. There doesn't have to be any back and forth with Madiha during this; just tell Neha's story. At the end of the story, as the phone call wraps up, you can shift back to Madiha as the narrator. That way Madiha is still the narrator for the larger encapsulating story.

It could tricky to make change overs seamless. If that doesn't work for you, you can simply write Madiha's opening, put in a *** line break and write Neha's story, then another *** linebreak and Madiha's closing.

Thanks,that's an idea usually followed by lot of author where a person narrates in first person to author.. but i wanted to know a phone call with interaction would be good .

For eg , Neha tells that she was in doggie position in s public bathroom with landlord from behind snd suddenly someone comes in

Madiha asks what you did

Neha tells she puts her tshirt over face

Madiha chides how she hid her face not her private

Neha said it's to protect herself getting identified later

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thanks,that's an idea usually followed by lot of author where a person narrates in first person to author.. but i wanted to know a phone call with interaction would be good .

As Simon says, the phone call should add something to the story, tell us something about the characters.

I have a story where there's a whole sub-plot between two protagonists which is played out through phone calls, which emphasise the physical distance between the two characters (they're in different cities) but also the intimacy between them, their familiarity with each other, their desire and jealousy. One is giving the other a recount of what happened to her, but the reader also gets an insight into the relationship between the two friends.

Figure out what you're doing with the phone call from a dramatic point of view, and write it accordingly. But merely as a framing device? I'd ask why are they on the phone rather than just face to face.

 

[sweetdreamssss]

As Simon says, the phone call should add something to the story, tell us something about the characters.

I have a story where there's a whole sub-plot between two protagonists which is played out through phone calls, which emphasise the physical distance between the two characters (they're in different cities) but also the intimacy between them, their familiarity with each other, their desire and jealousy. One is giving the other a recount of what happened to her, but the reader also gets an insight into the relationship between the two friends.

Figure out what you're doing with the phone call from a dramatic point of view, and write it accordingly. But merely as a framing device? I'd ask why are they on the phone rather than just face to face.

If you read the previous stories,it's established that author is the sensible one and the friend is the naive one.

So author received call where friend desrives her day and it makes author shocked at each detail as she never thought her friend would go for semi public sex where she gets almost caught at times .

 

[ElectricBlue]

If you read the previous stories,it's established that author is the sensible one and the friend is the naive one.

So author received call where friend desrives her day and it makes author shocked at each detail as she never thought her friend would go for semi public sex where she gets almost caught at times .

That's as may be, but what does the phone call add to the story? It sounds like a framing device, not adding much - except maybe a bad line and miscommunication - perhaps that's the point?

 

[LoquiSordidaAdMe]

I absolutely understand why you want to do it this way. You've established Madiha as your narrator for the series and you want to stick with that. Fair enough.

You want to use Madiha's reactions to what Neha tells her to expand on the relationship between the two girls and to clarify their differences. That makes sense. Dialogue is a great way to develop characters and their motivations by "showing" instead of "telling".

There is one thing I'm not quite clear on though. What is the core story you want to tell? Do you want to tell the story of a conversation between Madiha and Neha? Or do you want to tell the story of Neha almost getting caught having public sex?

 

[sweetdreamssss]

I absolutely understand why you want to do it this way. You've established Madiha as your narrator for the series and you want to stick with that. Fair enough.

You want to use Madiha's reactions to what Neha tells her to expand on the relationship between the two girls and to clarify their differences. That makes sense. Dialogue is a great way to develop characters and their motivations by "showing" instead of "telling".

There is one thing I'm not quite clear on though. What is the core story you want to tell? Do you want to tell the story of a conversation between Madiha and Neha? Or do you want to tell the story of Neha almost getting caught having public sex?

My idea is to make Neha tell the story while Madiha starts getting hot hearing this .also it's a case where the getting caught becomes more and more closer each time