Pmann’s Guide To Dirty Talk

[Lord Pmann]

Now, I was just the star of an episode of PLP’s Audio (not Paedo) Philes. There were some other people on there and they all said they were bad at dirty talk. Of course, I said I was the fucking best. I cum 100% of the time. I’m that good.

So, as part of my benevolent new persona, I’m going to offer a tutorial for how to talk dirty. It’ll be much like my previously thread on how to get the ladies. But this one is for guys and girls. Most tips apply for both. If they don’t, I’ll try to clarify.

Tip #1: You’re gonna need some bitches (or man whores)

Why?

Practice. Practice. Practice. You’re going to need to talk to lots of people. Like, at the same time. This works better with cyber than real life or phone sex.

Don’t ever use their names though, because you’re going to want to practice dirty talk with no less than 5 listers at a time. Getting their names mixed up can be problematic. Especially with ladies. They hate that shit. Guys don’t really care. “Oh, you called me by the name of your ex... but I still get to cum, right?”

Anyway, find about 5-10 people. You’re going to have to make some promises and say some things you don’t mean. “Yeah, you are the only one.” “Oh, I’ve never seen a dick THAT big.” “Of course I love you more than my children.” But that’s ok. This is Lit.

There’s more to come. Again, this is a forum. So you can add your shitty ideas here if you want.

 

[Shi_One81]

I don’t know that many people! Can I just be the official note taker person?

 

[beachbaby179]

I don’t know that many people! Can I just be the official note taker person?

You take dick-tation?

I crack myself up...

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I listened to that AP episode.

So Pmann rhymes with demon?

 

[Lord Pmann]

I don’t know that many people! Can I just be the official note taker person?

No. Post a personal. I’m sure you’ll meet some new... friends.

You take dick-tation?

I crack myself up...

That made me roll my eyes in a good way.

I listened to that AP episode.

So Pmann rhymes with demon?

Yes. But why did you have to say demon? Couldn’t you have said semen?

 

[Suz_anne]

Suz's Shitty Suggestion #1

Expand your vocabulary.

Ladies - nothing gets a man harder than referring to his junk as a dangle-dong or telling him how much you want to try an Oklahoma cowbell.

Fellas - don't be afraid to tell your lady how much you want to feel her hairy oyster all over your face.

Explore Sex-Lexis for a treasure trove of sexy terms and phrases that are sure to become a part of your dirty talk arsenal.

Now... who wants to lick my naka-nake?

 

[Shi_One81]

Expand your vocabulary.

Ladies - nothing gets a man harder than referring to his junk as a dangle-dong or telling him how much you want to try an Oklahoma cowbell.

Fellas - don't be afraid to tell your lady how much you want to feel her hairy oyster all over your face.

Explore Sex-Lexis for a treasure trove of sexy terms and phrases that are sure to become a part of your dirty talk arsenal.

Now... who wants to lick my naka-nake?

I thought it was a hairy oyster?? * This is so confusing.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Yes. But why did you have to say demon? Couldn’t you have said semen?

I could have. If I'd thought of it. Which i didn't. I thought of demon.

Expand your vocabulary.

Ladies - nothing gets a man harder than referring to his junk as a dangle-dong...

I'm going to try this just to see if i can say it with a straight face.

 

[Suz_anne]

I'm going to try this just to see if i can say it with a straight face.

A leering grin also works well.

 

[Lord Pmann]

These are all excellent terms. Don't forget "manhood". I mean... What lady doesn't get drippy drawers at that term?

Tip #2:

(This tip is for the boys)

They key to dirty talk is dick pics. Do you know the saying "a dick picture is worth a thousand words"? That's why. If you're trying to talk dirty and you get tripped up, may I suggest going the "here's mah dick" route? There is very little that can get a woman's gears grinding like a close-up of your sack. Then, whatever you say from that point on is golden.

 

[LostGirlTink]

Holy... oh hell ok this is going to be funny

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

A leering grin also works well.

Haha. Noted.

 

[hotwords229_A]

These are all excellent terms. Don't forget "manhood". I mean... What lady doesn't get drippy drawers at that term?

Tip #2:

(This tip is for the boys)

They key to dirty talk is dick pics. Do you know the saying "a dick picture is worth a thousand words"? That's why. If you're trying to talk dirty and you get tripped up, may I suggest going the "here's mah dick" route? There is very little that can get a woman's gears grinding like a close-up of your sack. Then, whatever you say from that point on is golden.

What if we are somewhat dick shy?
Is it acceptable to send a dick pic with our dicks wearing little hats, sunglasses and trenchcoats for anonymity?
Will that have the same effect?
Will her soft femininity effuse wildly at the sight of my petulant, yet modest, manhood?

 

[LostGirlTink]

I’m only decent at innuendo... so I’m gonna lurk.

 

[Lord Pmann]

What if we are somewhat dick shy?
Is it acceptable to send a dick pic with our dicks wearing little hats, sunglasses and trenchcoats for anonymity?
Will that have the same effect?
Will her soft femininity effuse wildly at the sight of my petulant, yet modest, manhood?

All good questions. Let me help you with your dick, kind sir.

For a shy dick, I recommend exposing it to others. Maybe take it to a mixer. Or perhaps a speed dating event. You whip it out really quickly and people have just two minutes to decide if they like it or not. I really recommend having your best dick face on, if you want to get over that dick shyness. I also may recommend venturing to Am Pics. There are tons of "shy" girls there who post their vaginas everywhere. They could help.

You want an incognito dick. That's called a Tricky Dicky. My experience is that girls don't like the combination of trenchcoats, hats, fake mustaches and dicks. Nor does law enforcement.

Why is your manhood petulant???

 

[hotwords229_A]

Petulant was the wrong word, I was going for the idea that no matter how much I beat it down it keeps getting back up. I should have said persistent (but even that doesn't work)

Anyway, thanks for your helpful advice. I see now that wearing a dick-guise could be seen as creepy and weird. My dick should be celebrated, cherished and displayed for all the world to see--so much better than using words to communicate.

Thanks for the help!

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

This is what i heard:

Bla bla bla, LET ME HELP YOU WITH YOUR DICK, bla bla bla.

This thread may turn out to be better than i expected!

 

[DDBustyBrit]

These are all excellent terms. Don't forget "manhood". I mean... What lady doesn't get drippy drawers at that term?

Tip #2:

(This tip is for the boys)

They key to dirty talk is dick pics. Do you know the saying "a dick picture is worth a thousand words"? That's why. If you're trying to talk dirty and you get tripped up, may I suggest going the "here's mah dick" route? There is very little that can get a woman's gears grinding like a close-up of your sack. Then, whatever you say from that point on is golden.

Yup works a charm on me every bloody time!

Tricky Dicky
Manhood

Pmann this goes way beyond ‘generally funny’

:::heads off to trawl pms for other winning tips:::

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Okay I have a question. What is the difference between sexy talk and dirty talk?

 

[Vincit]

Okay I have a question. What is the difference between sexy talk and dirty talk?

One gets you in the mood, the other is for when you're already in the mood and you want her to try anal.

 

[Taegul]

I want you to tease my beefy manhood with your meat curtains.

If that doesn't get the ladies moist I don't know what does.

And if "moist" isn't just the sexiest word ever...

 

[rubydlite]

All fascinating advice lol.
I say, also, inbox her 1000 times. Even though she's never responded perseverance is fucking sexy.
Especially, show her a dick pic which makes her question if that's a shadow or an STI...most are curable anyway...so whatevs.
Tell her ,unsolicited, how you'd like to stick your knobbly stick in her gash and she'll be dirty talking you all the way to a wall splattering orgasm.

 

[Suz_anne]

I want you to tease my beefy manhood with your meat curtains.

Hmmmm, now I am in the mood for a hearty beef stew. Which, coincidentally, makes me moist.

All fascinating advice lol.
Tell her ,unsolicited, how you'd like to stick your knobbly stick in her gash and she'll be dirty talking you all the way to a wall splattering orgasm.

Ooohhhh, a knicker-dropper of a word if ever there was one. Moist gash.... *swoon*

 

[rubydlite]

Hmmmm, now I am in the mood for a hearty beef stew. Which, coincidentally, makes me moist.



Ooohhhh, a knicker-dropper of a word if ever there was one. Moist gash.... *swoon*

I know...I can barely keep my knees closed

 

[Suz_anne]

I know...I can barely keep my knees closed

I dig that about you.

Have I mentioned lately how lovely it is to see you posting about? You have been missed.