Tallulah needs YOU.

[Pad_Foot]

Tallulah, have you considered a limit on the number of times and frequency that you are with someone else?
Kundera in “The Unbearable Lightness of Being” had thoughts about avoiding the weight of a relationship. In your case keeping it light and drama free but also avoiding deeper feelings and attachments.
My thought for the day!
I pray it works out for both of you !
Long live Hump Day!

Oh and I get knowing and not knowing. I would need to know because I would envision the worst. Also, because knowing about your pleasures can’t be a bad thing especially if he learns from what others try.

If you found another who was more “fulfilling” would he feel comfortable getting something so he could do the same? Would he feel bad if you said, “No, it’s far better when it’s real”?

 

[Mike130]

It’s been many, many years since I started my own thread, and this is not what I expected to actually base a thread on. Ever. Yet here I am!

The Subject: opening my marriage.

The instigator: my husband.

The background: we’ve been married for more than 25 years, not always easy, borderline full separation at one point until Covid hit and, somehow, we started to rebuild in lockdown. We are solid, happy, and we both want to protect the life we have together.

The conversation began at the weekend. We use the idea of other people in the bedroom as a regular fantasy, but I honestly never expected him to be open or serious to such a significant change.

My initial reaction: Yes.

We have both acknowledged that neither of us know anything about this kind of life-style change. We’ve begun talking about what we’d like, not like, boundaries, expectations and hopes but all of this is extremely surface level and we’re going to take our time in navigating these waters.

My reason for making this thread is to ask advice and thoughts from all you lovely people.

What I want and/or need:

1. Questions to ask of myself and him to ensure the foundations (ie boundaries we decide) are solid before building this.

2. Thoughts and experiences that will help me reflect on what we actually want or don’t want in reality.

3. Support. Whilst I am open to listening to the pitfalls and negatives and potential disasters so that I can reflect on the risks, I am by nature a positive person, and I’ll basically ignore anything that isn’t constructive.

4. Lastly, I am intending to use this open thread to respond. Whilst I won’t be closing my pm’s, I may not respond privately other than to thank you for your message. My pm’s are for laughing with my friends and this is for the serious shit.

And don’t worry, I’m not solely relying on Lit to be my guru. I am so clever, I can use the internet for stuff other than finding dick pics.



Thank you for taking your time to read this right to the bottom!

Tallulah

I used to go to sex clubs with my ex girlfriend, my wife used to have sex with other guys when we were dating, even a threesome. She said that I’ve licked other guy’s cum from her pussy on many occasions, which turns me on.

I think as long as the external sex is purely physical and not emotional (don’t fall in love with your sex partners) it probably would add an exciting spark to the marriage. Jealousy would put a crimp in the relationship, but if you’re comfortable with yourself and your underlying desire is to see your partner sexually satisfied I don’t see anything wrong with it.

We all have hidden desires. It’s better than sneaking off and having an affair behind your spouse’s back.

 

[Mo_Bandy]

It is. I can't argue that.

But sneaking around having affairs is messy and complicated. Being online in secret is messy and complicated. Even being online and known can still be or become messy and complicated.

How wonderful would it be to be in a marriage where there's zero interest in anyone or anything else, other than your partner who fulfils your every need, every desire, in the exact way you want it.

Being messy and complicated isn't enough to put me off. If anything, it could bring a clarity to my life that makes me feel more like me. Not the role people put me in.

It is. I can't argue that.

But sneaking around having affairs is messy and complicated. Being online in secret is messy and complicated. Even being online and known can still be or become messy and complicated.

How wonderful would it be to be in a marriage where there's zero interest in anyone or anything else, other than your partner who fulfils your every need, every desire, in the exact way you want it.

Being messy and complicated isn't enough to put me off. If anything, it could bring a clarity to my life that makes me feel more like me. Not the role people put me in.

Good point. Obviously different things work for different people, differently. I think I compartmentalize large parts of my life. The thought of interacting with several partners and those same partners possibly interacting with one and other causes me anxiety. Honestly, I can hardly handle one woman in real life as it is.

 

[Tallulah82]

I would have a pre curser on the whole thing that any couple you meet nothing is going to happen for several meetings, then a surprise game of all of you individually and without any collusion write down six fantasy scenarios, put them in a a box and then take them out and read them. That will be a learning curve, its a bit like Lit where often you will find out someones kinks before you find out if they prefer tea to coffee, but the conversation should be fun and will be a good way to sus them out.

Hi micky, meeting other couples as a couple isn't an option for us but if it's not casual or opportunistic sex then a 'date' or two to see if we're truly compatible would be a sensible way to go, yes.

 

[Tallulah82]

Tallulah, have you considered a limit on the number of times and frequency that you are with someone else?
Kundera in “The Unbearable Lightness of Being” had thoughts about avoiding the weight of a relationship. In your case keeping it light and drama free but also avoiding deeper feelings and attachments.
My thought for the day!
I pray it works out for both of you !
Long live Hump Day!

Oh and I get knowing and not knowing. I would need to know because I would envision the worst. Also, because knowing about your pleasures can’t be a bad thing especially if he learns from what others try.

If you found another who was more “fulfilling” would he feel comfortable getting something so he could do the same? Would he feel bad if you said, “No, it’s far better when it’s real”?

Absolutely. In reality, the frequency would be low, even if we wanted more it's not possible (unless we then risk the Primary relationship and all the rules we've set so far which means we've stupidly fucked up).

We're not embracing whole poly lives, it absolutely has a limited reach for us.

I'm not sure I follow re: your fulfilling questions.

 

[Tallulah82]

I used to go to sex clubs with my ex girlfriend, my wife used to have sex with other guys when we were dating, even a threesome. She said that I’ve licked other guy’s cum from her pussy on many occasions, which turns me on.

I think as long as the external sex is purely physical and not emotional (don’t fall in love with your sex partners) it probably would add an exciting spark to the marriage. Jealousy would put a crimp in the relationship, but if you’re comfortable with yourself and your underlying desire is to see your partner sexually satisfied I don’t see anything wrong with it.

We all have hidden desires. It’s better than sneaking off and having an affair behind your spouse’s back.

Thank you, Mike

 

[Tallulah82]

Good point. Obviously different things work for different people, differently. I think I compartmentalize large parts of my life. The thought of interacting with several partners and those same partners possibly interacting with one and other causes me anxiety. Honestly, I can hardly handle one woman in real life as it is.

I think compartmentalizing would help me keep things in their lane. We won't be sharing partners (can't say never, though).
That's fair enough, as you say, different things work for different people.

 

[Tallulah82]

This week has been such a head-fuck!

I'm still very much getting my thoughts in order, and I appreciate the effort people have given to interact with me and this.

I'm going to mull more over the weekend and hopefully feel more clear on what I'm doing.

But, don't be fooled by words of 'mulling' and 'head fuck': I'm excited for this.

 

[Pad_Foot]

I'm not sure I follow re: your fulfilling questions.

If you find a man with a much larger cock that awakens new desires? Touches you deeply? Will your husband be able to fill those needs by using a toy, or will you still want the real thing?

 

[LordofDargaardkeep]

Putting all the possibilities and "what if's" aside.. Is it worth the risk?
Do you feel that walking down this path with help your development as a person or contribute to the sanctity of your marriage?
Whats the end game? Just living out your sexual desires or is there some other underlying issue that needs resolved?
Is what you might gain worth the loss of the stability that you have in place?

 

[Tallulah82]

If you find a man with a much larger cock that awakens new desires? Touches you deeply? Will your husband be able to fill those needs by using a toy, or will you still want the real thing?

Without getting toooo personal on here... believe me, THAT isn't an issue.

I will still always want the real thing from him because no-one will be able to be him, aside from him.

We may learn new things from other partners and want to bring those ideas into our bedroom. But even if we don't, I don't think we've got too much to worry about finding someone else 'better'. It's about different, not better.

 

[Tallulah82]

Putting all the possibilities and "what if's" aside.. Is it worth the risk?
Do you feel that walking down this path with help your development as a person or contribute to the sanctity of your marriage?
Whats the end game? Just living out your sexual desires or is there some other underlying issue that needs resolved?
Is what you might gain worth the loss of the stability that you have in place?

I shall mull on this over the weekend. I'm too brain dead now to put my thoughts and feelings into a considered response.

 

[LordofDargaardkeep]

I shall mull on this over the weekend. I'm too brain dead now to put my thoughts and feelings into a considered response.

lol its ok .. I mean its me.. its not like I am the voice of reason and more than just some arse on lit!

 

[Tallulah82]

lol its ok .. I mean its me.. its not like I am the voice of reason and more than just some arse on lit!

I know you're a wanker. And making me think seriously is a wankery move on a Friday.

 

[mickyp123]

Clearly your chewing the cud on all this, I wish you all the best and good emotional fortune on your journey

 

[AngelicaS1780]

So, he knows I'm here. I've said I'd be fine with him being around - but that isn't 100% true (and he knows this also), because we share so much in our lives, I like my own space to frolic without feeling watched?

I joined Lit not too long after opening up our relationship and invited him to join as well. He wasn’t interested and I’m actually really glad it worked out that way. We have a lot of together things and I need space and things that are just mine. He knows my user name though and could find me here if he wanted to. I hope he doesn’t because now I feel selfish about Lit.

I understand this feeling 100%. My husband and I spend most of our time together, so the time I spend on Lit is something just for me. He knows about it, but, happily for me, has no interest in being here.

The no secrets is something that my husband is strongly pushing, which I understand.
We're having a slight disagreement on what is classed as a secret, and what is private, though.
I want my time with someone else to be private - so no returning home and being obliged to tell him details of what I've been up to.
He wants details. Not all.. but some.

In terms of boundaries I wanted to protect the great things we had while at the same time not have so many rules that we couldn’t be open to surprises or evolving. Our “rules” were primary relationship first, not getting involved with mutual friends, no expectation of sharing details, and no unsafe sex.

Being required to give details, or get them, would definitely be a non-negotiable for me. That's private.
The details I would expect to share, for safety reasons, are the name of the person that I am meeting, where I will be, and when I expect to be home. A secret, to me, is information that you are keeping from a partner because it breaks the "rules" of your ENM arrangement.

I think Lady L has the right idea in terms of "rules". I think you can spend time brainstorming every possible scenario and coming up with rules for each of them, but that doesn't guarantee smooth sailing.

 

[Tallulah82]

I understand this feeling 100%. My husband and I spend most of our time together, so the time I spend on Lit is something just for me. He knows about it, but, happily for me, has no interest in being here.




Being required to give details, or get them, would definitely be a non-negotiable for me. That's private.
The details I would expect to share, for safety reasons, are the name of the person that I am meeting, where I will be, and when I expect to be home. A secret, to me, is information that you are keeping from a partner because it breaks the "rules" of your ENM arrangement.

I think Lady L has the right idea in terms of "rules". I think you can spend time brainstorming every possible scenario and coming up with rules for each of them, but that doesn't guarantee smooth sailing.

Thank you! I truly am losing the ability to think straight, but thank you. It means a lot to me, for your voice in this.

 

[SalaciousMonkey22]

Man, if in had a nickel for every time a woman said she needed me and I had exactly zero to offer…

Awww well. This sounds like a fun adventure! I’ll enjoy watching it and rooting for you!

 

[Tallulah82]

Man, if in had a nickel for every time a woman said she needed me and I had exactly zero to offer…

Awww well. This sounds like a fun adventure! I’ll enjoy watching it and rooting for you!

I can't figure out if you'd be rich or broke.

And I don't think I'm planning on recording any of it to show you. But thanks for the root.

 

[SalaciousMonkey22]

I can't figure out if you'd be rich or broke.

Broke based on the”if” rich based on the “then”

And I don't think I'm planning on recording any of it to show you. But thanks for the root.

Wait, you’re not gonna liveblog it?!?!!
In the year of our lord 2925 you’re not gonna share your most intimate and personal journey in excruciating detail for my enjoyment? What is even wrong with the world? So sad,

 

[LadyLascivious1]

What I realise now is that this is uneven... I've said "go for it" and he's said "no". Perhaps it should be a blanket "no mutual friends" rule.

Extremes are usually the things I avoid. So insisting you both have the exact same boundaries if you feel differently about the topics might be on one end of the spectrum. And having a very lopsided arrangement where one person has 5x the number of restrictions as the other partner is the other end. Aim for somewhere in between and what feels right. Exactly equal isn’t always the best fit. What matters that you’re both happy with the arrangement.

Good point. Obviously different things work for different people, differently. I think I compartmentalize large parts of my life. The thought of interacting with several partners and those same partners possibly interacting with one and other causes me anxiety. Honestly, I can hardly handle one woman in real life as it is.

That kind of interaction was a significant part of the no mutual friends boundary. I love adventures, but not drama, and wanted to minimize potential for that. It didn’t seem worth the risk.

That said, the person I experimented with the most became one of my closest friends. After a few years we switched to platonic friendship and have stayed close. In fact, now that he moved to the other side of the country, when he and his girlfriend visit they often stay with us. At a minimum we try to go out to dinner, sometimes all four of us and other times just he and I. We all get along great. I never saw that outcome as a possibility, but life is full of surprises

 

[Mike130]

I understand this feeling 100%. My husband and I spend most of our time together, so the time I spend on Lit is something just for me. He knows about it, but, happily for me, has no interest in being here.




Being required to give details, or get them, would definitely be a non-negotiable for me. That's private.
The details I would expect to share, for safety reasons, are the name of the person that I am meeting, where I will be, and when I expect to be home. A secret, to me, is information that you are keeping from a partner because it breaks the "rules" of your ENM arrangement.

I think Lady L has the right idea in terms of "rules". I think you can spend time brainstorming every possible scenario and coming up with rules for each of them, but that doesn't guarantee smooth sailing.

Just curious, why not share the physical details if that’s what the husband wanted? Or do you mean the emotional details- how it’s evolving and affecting your relationship with your husband? Do you want him to share his emotions and feelings with you also? Not being judgemental here, just wondering about the boundaries and if it would be reciprocal if he had a relationship outside of your marriage.

 

[LadyLascivious1]

Just curious, why not share the physical details if that’s what the husband wanted? Or do you mean the emotional details- how it’s evolving and affecting your relationship with your husband? Do you want him to share his emotions and feelings with you also? Not being judgemental here, just wondering about the boundaries and if it would be reciprocal if he had a relationship outside of your marriage.

Because it’s never about what just one person wants. Mutual consent. If I want to share and he wants to hear, great. And vice versa. If either person doesn’t want to, then that’s a no sharing situation.

Everyone is entitled to have some privacy even if they’re married and even if it’s about sexual things. I might enjoy sharing sometimes, but an obligation to every time or on demand? No, thanks. I’d feel the same about about being expected to share the details of all my fantasies or solo sessions. Or even all my thoughts or conversations with friends. Sharing can be wonderful…when it’s voluntary.

If that were a deal breaker, then it wouldn’t be a situation I’d agree to.