Sexless Marriages

[ccs29745]

Yes it is, not to mention the financial strain of several failed attempts of IVF.

Once it finally worked, the financial strain of twins, 2x daycare, formula, everything. I feel like maybe some postpartum depression kicked in. Prior to that, things weren't so bad. Sexless, sure, but we got through difficult times together.

Whether it's that or just the additional level of chaos of twins, and one with special needs, it doesn't seem like she's able to handle it and perhaps just wants to escape, but won't come out and say it.

I wonder, as you, if failed IVF 's caused lack of wanting sex. 8 miscarriages take a toll on a marriage. We adopted and thought things were going to be better, but still no sex.

 

[Wanking_Frank]

I wonder, as you, if failed IVF 's caused lack of wanting sex. 8 miscarriages take a toll on a marriage. We adopted and thought things were going to be better, but still no sex.

Maybe that's what turned the spigot completely off, but even before that it was an issue.

The infertility wasn't all hers, I have some issues of my own too. The sex never had been very good, but the communication surrounding it was probably the bigger failure. That's on both of us. We need some feedback on what works and what doesn't and we need to be willing to try to work things out.

I feel like that opportunity was never really there and there's a limit to how much a person will work to try to get the other in the mood, and getting the cold shoulder, before just plain giving up.

I don't want to feel entitled but one would think over the course of a year or ten, that the stars could align for that opportunity to arise.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

Nothing wrong with being branded a whore if you know that's where you're headed.

Sorry but the world does not think like Lit where terms like whore and slut are bandied about like compliments. People have children and I most certainly don’t want my child lumbered publicly with a whore for a mother.

Amen to this!

 

[ccs29745]

Amen to this!

Second the notion. Hate the word whore.

 

[ccs29745]

Maybe that's what turned the spigot completely off, but even before that it was an issue.

The infertility wasn't all hers, I have some issues of my own too. The sex never had been very good, but the communication surrounding it was probably the bigger failure. That's on both of us. We need some feedback on what works and what doesn't and we need to be willing to try to work things out.

I feel like that opportunity was never really there and there's a limit to how much a person will work to try to get the other in the mood, and getting the cold shoulder, before just plain giving up.

I don't want to feel entitled but one would think over the course of a year or ten, that the stars could align for that opportunity to arise.

Sex was good early, but feel off as our careers prospered. In the mood, but too tired got old. Same old positions got old, but trying new ones wasn't something wife was interested in doing. I even went to couple sites to learn how to seduce the wife so she be in the mood, they were a waste.

Somedays a hole in the wall looks good to nail. Lol

 

[123phd]

Hello. If anyone is interested, I am just starting a dissertation around sexless marriage related to exploring how partners experience this situation. (With a focus on partners of those living with survivors of sexual trauma or abuse). Feel free to send a message!

 

[Beachaged]

Hello. If anyone is interested, I am just starting a dissertation around sexless marriage related to exploring how partners experience this situation. (With a focus on partners of those living with survivors of sexual trauma or abuse). Feel free to send a message!

Isn’t it bad enough I have to live with my sexless marriage but putting it in print to memorialize it forever is the icing on the cake. Maybe we can put it on a billboard on the side of the interstate. There will be a counter and every day the counter will increase by one.

 

[AnnieLit]

Hello. If anyone is interested, I am just starting a dissertation around sexless marriage related to exploring how partners experience this situation. (With a focus on partners of those living with survivors of sexual trauma or abuse). Feel free to send a message!

Oh, this is priceless!

Spouses of survivors acknowledging to you that they can't stand it anymore and come here for comfort. So that you can do your research, get those letters in front of your name, and leave them worse for wear.

They are not talking to a doctor that just maybe can help their spouses, not to a friend that just maybe can help them, but to you, that can't help anybody.

On Fetlife many people have a language on top of their profiles, something like "No information written by me can be used in any research or in any publication." Looks like it is time to do the same on Lit too, at least on threads like this one.

 

[AnnieLit]

Here it is. If only profiles on Lit were working and we could actually post it there...
* * *

* WARNING! *
Take Warning: Any institution or person using this site or any of its associated sites for study, projects, or personal agenda - You do not have my permission to use any of my profile or pictures in any form or forum both current or future. You do not have my permission to copy, save, or print my pictures for your own personal use, including, but not limited to saving them on your computer, posting them on any other website, or this one and passing them off as your own. If you have or do, it will be considered a violation of my privacy and will be subject to all legal remedies. It is recommended that other members post a similar notice as well.

 

[nut_bolt]

From what I can tell after being here awhile and chatting to others, we make up the majority in here!! It always amazes me how so many of us in our 40’s & 50’s eventually find ourselves in this situation

You’re in the right place!

I fully agree with you.....

 

[WizardSoDirty]

~~~Nothing like having to schedule sex to make it uninteresting

Stuff I've read has led me to believe most people get to a point where they schedule sex. I've read more than a few people .... I don't want to say "complaining" about it but wondering if it is "normal". Also somewhat common is people talking about spontaneity returning with them becoming empty nesters.

I can see it being how one perceives scheduling dependent on how they might view that.
Maybe it would be different if you (if one) had to buy tickets to sex as you do to a concert or the races.

 

[WizardSoDirty]

Umm...^^^^....This is your brain on drugs kids

Might be attributable to carelessness with a hammer, did you check to see if there was a mark?

 

[ccs29745]

Hello. If anyone is interested, I am just starting a dissertation around sexless marriage related to exploring how partners experience this situation. (With a focus on partners of those living with survivors of sexual trauma or abuse). Feel free to send a message!

No sexual trauma here. No sex to traumatize about.

 

[Oreo515]

Hi

Sexless marriage here for the last 3 yrs. Oklahoma here

 

[WizardSoDirty]

~~Now granted, she has RA, so she is in pain some days, but it has stopped every intimate encounter that we use to have.

I turned to CL when it was up and running and found a few FWB women that filled in the gaps, but since CL is no longer an option, ~~

Probably wont solve all your probkems as RA is really variable but Turmeric can be useful with that and other conditions and is much safer compared to pretty much everything used for RA, however it doesn't slow joint damage as far as I know but it works really well for inflammation which is a factor. It has to be used a certain way, you know the second day if it works for you.

CL is still going, there's a different kind of bullshit going on but it's fairy easy to spot. You just need to know where to look since casual encounters is gone.

 

[MutualMatureMike]

Amen to this!

There's a big difference between name calling, for whatever reason in a relationship or between partners or lovers and on the other being the butt of someone's thoughtless, bigoted name-calling.

 

[WizardSoDirty]

Good luck with that! Especially the "no emotional attachment" part. Friends with benefits is a nice concept, but humans usually tend to get attached. Which is not necessarily a bad thing in my book.

People have different ways of looking at that. I think some people say "no emotional attachment" but understand the concept of "not the same emotional attachment" and expect others (prospects) to be on the same page.
IMO it depends on a person's ability to keep attachment limited to whatever level or within prescribed boundaries. We all do this all the time however if someone refuses to accept that as a possibility their limited thinking causes them to view interactions in an "either/or" framework which excludes the possibility of attachment being a spectrum.
Yet everyone understands the concept and accepts it as "truth" framed in other ways. It would be difficult to find anyone on the boards or anywhere else that doesn't have an emotional attachment to someone that unless they are considering it the way I'm detailing here would deny even exists, yet it does. Not only that but we all have emotional attachments to inanimate objects, and even to abstract concepts.

You might, for instance see a clerk at the doughnut shop or the gas station, even someone you pass regularly that waits for a bus you've never spoken to. one day they aren't there, you feel disappointment. That's an emotional attachment yet odd are you haven't considered leaving your spouse for the little old man you've seen waiting on the bus. But you may feel a sense of loss. An example of an abstract Idea is people's attachment to this very idea... that it's impossible for FWB relationships to exist because attachments are destined to grow to the point of screwing things up. Yet for centuries people have maintained FWB relationships for long terms with no problem.

It all depends on how one views the concept and if their vision excludes the possibility of it being able to exist without the problems they see being inevitable then they will deny the possibility it exists and if they somehow find themself in that position if they are unable to reset their thinking they probably will behave as if reality is in line with their view....i.e. should they sense attachment in themself or the FWB they'll possibly look to escape the arrangement or pursue it to what they see is the inevitable outcome as that is the only options they see available.

People can have a moral objection that prevents them from seeing such arrangements as possible, others might just not have thought of it as possible for other reasons. People that don't see such relationships as possible often express that view to others but that isn't the reality. It isn't always someone attempting to impose their views on others it can be that it's the way things are as they see it.
It's also one of those things that people can tend to take their personal experience as proof of reality, dismissing alternate views.

I think most people will agree that given two couples, one with 3 children and another with 8 children can have affection for their children and that the one with 8 kids can feel about the other 5 the same as the first 3.

I think also, barring an extremely dis-functional family would view it as beneficial to have more siblings as there are all sorts of mutual benefits to having more siblings similar to there are to having more friends.

How you understand reality might be different than the actuality.

If I say "there's more than one way to skin a cat" how do you picture that in your mind?

I've never seen anyone skin the 4 legged kind but I've skinned a bunch of those that are quite tasty dredged in cornmeal and fried in oil.

 

[TTawhere]

Good luck with that! Especially the "no emotional attachment" part. Friends with benefits is a nice concept, but humans usually tend to get attached. Which is not necessarily a bad thing in my book.

I don’t believe such relationships with NSA or no attachments exist - no matter what people say. I think to feel that way the person would have to be a psychopath.

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I didn’t have an emotional and mental connection with the other person and certainly don’t think I could have a sexual relationship without that connection.

 

[ccs29745]

I don’t believe such relationships with NSA or no attachments exist - no matter what people say. I think to feel that way the person would have to be a psychopath.

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I didn’t have an emotional and mental connection with the other person and certainly don’t think I could have a sexual relationship without that connection.

FWB does sound better, but still basically a NSA style. Got co-worker who wants new/FWB type relationship and has no problem with . I , on the other hand do. Damn thing called a conscience sometimes gets in the way.

I'll compliment a female, but not mean to sleep with her. Some say they're married instead of thank you, thinking I am hitting on them. I just give random compliments.

 

[spawnofdavey]

If I was getting at least semi-regular sex at home I'd not be on here at all, but since it is very sparse and very vanilla these days, I'm here to find some kind of outlet where I'm not physically cheating.. I'm sure she considers looking at porn to be cheating in some way, the grief I get for even doing that.

 

[LuciousLadyMary]

I don’t believe such relationships with NSA or no attachments exist - no matter what people say. I think to feel that way the person would have to be a psychopath.

So lets say there's a person in our circle of friends (a friend of a friend) who I know is safe and he knows I'm safe (both of us married). A random encounter leads to a bj in a secluded room. I have no feelings for him, he has none for me.

That makes me a psychopath?

 

[MutualMatureMike]

So lets say there's a person in our circle of friends (a friend of a friend) who I know is safe and he knows I'm safe (both of us married). A random encounter leads to a bj in a secluded room. I have no feelings for him, he has none for me.

That makes me a psychopath?

Ah, asking for a friend I see!

It seems someone is stretching, beyond reasonable limits, the term psychopath.

 

[TTawhere]

So lets say there's a person in our circle of friends (a friend of a friend) who I know is safe and he knows I'm safe (both of us married). A random encounter leads to a bj in a secluded room. I have no feelings for him, he has none for me.

That makes me a psychopath?

No. Not from a random encounter. To some degree, to each their own...

The psychopathic behavior comes in when there’s a longer term relationship, and one party really doesn’t give a damn about the other and what happens to them. Or worse, hides a health issue that affects the other partner, but goes ahead without telling them.

Personally, I’m not looking for the kind of encounter you mention above, so certainly my perceptions are filtered through those rose-colored glasses. To thine own self,, you must be true.

 

[ccs29745]

So lets say there's a person in our circle of friends (a friend of a friend) who I know is safe and he knows I'm safe (both of us married). A random encounter leads to a bj in a secluded room. I have no feelings for him, he has none for me.

That makes me a psychopath?

I wouldn't call a psychopath, just someone who has mutual friend with similar needs.

Always wondered if blowjob was considered cheating

 

[LuciousLadyMary]

Ah, asking for a friend I see!

It seems someone is stretching, beyond reasonable limits, the term psychopath.

No, I was asking for myself. I think this thread has been infected with doctor wannabes.

The business card would read, "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on Literotica."