Sexless Marriages

[blulilacgrl]

ok. i have to apologize.. i never realized forgive me for being so .. bland

No need. Trust me there are times when I ask myself the same thing and I have to remind myself if all the good things. I once read that a marriage is actually probably only 10% sex and 90% emotional connection/support/etc. But sadly when that 10% isn't being met, it feels like so much more!

So, how many of us would gladly have a regular friend on the side to fill the no sex void. No emotional attachment, just two people meeting each other’s needs? Not multiple one nighters, one person that you could call a friend?

I used to think that. To wish I could do that. But sadly I am discovering that I need that emotional connection.

 

[J-Rod]

I once read that a marriage is actually probably only 10% sex and 90% emotional connection/support/etc. But sadly when that 10% isn't being met, it feels like so much more!

Very well said and I couldn't agree more!

 

[Smartypants23]

I would say I have a sex surge then since I totally love having sex and having multiple orgasms. I get so disappointed when I meet people here on Lit and they are selfish to their own needs and do not give me the proper respect or try to satisfy me. If I satisfied them and then they just go off, why bother to do it next time, a thank you, you were awesome is the least. Truthfully, I feel if you made me enjoy the session and I make you enjoy the session, we can have future sessions we can both enjoy. But if you feel, you are the only one who should be pleasured, then I start to feel why give it my all to pleasure you when you are not interested in doing the same. I love sex and satisfying, putting my all to give you the most pleasure I do expect the same in return

 

[Diemcarpe]

Blulilacgrl

Well said on the 10%. I could feel much better if the 10% was even just tender touches, a light kiss on the neck, you get the idea. My wife is awesome but intimacy is just not her thing.

 

[philos]

I really don’t know how I would react if my wife suddenly found her libido. After two decades of rejection I have quite a bit of resentment. I think it might just be easier to write it off. At least until my child is grown and on her own.

 

[guitar_player]

I would say I have a sex surge then since I totally love having sex and having multiple orgasms. I get so disappointed when I meet people here on Lit and they are selfish to their own needs and do not give me the proper respect or try to satisfy me. If I satisfied them and then they just go off, why bother to do it next time, a thank you, you were awesome is the least. Truthfully, I feel if you made me enjoy the session and I make you enjoy the session, we can have future sessions we can both enjoy. But if you feel, you are the only one who should be pleasured, then I start to feel why give it my all to pleasure you when you are not interested in doing the same. I love sex and satisfying, putting my all to give you the most pleasure I do expect the same in return

I get more pleasure out of giving her pleasure. It’s all about the build up. It’s more fun to tease for hours thank to just cumm and done. Where’s the fun In that??

 

[AnnieLit]

So, how many of us would gladly have a regular friend on the side to fill the no sex void. No emotional attachment, just two people meeting each other’s needs? Not multiple one nighters, one person that you could call a friend?

Good luck with that! Especially the "no emotional attachment" part. Friends with benefits is a nice concept, but humans usually tend to get attached. Which is not necessarily a bad thing in my book.

 

[Diemcarpe]

Good luck with that! Especially the "no emotional attachment" part. Friends with benefits is a nice concept, but humans usually tend to get attached. Which is not necessarily a bad thing in my book.

I think it is nearly impossible to not get attached unless the benefits were lacking.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Good luck with that! Especially the "no emotional attachment" part. Friends with benefits is a nice concept, but humans usually tend to get attached. Which is not necessarily a bad thing in my book.

I think the only way I could do it is if we were truly friends. That would be the bare minimum connection I would need. I know that I would never want to be married again. I love my husband (obviously) but I gotta say if there ever came a point where he and I were not together, I would never tie myself to anyone ever again. So in that situation I would be good with a FWB as long as the friendship was separate from the sex.

 

[Hipshot1554]

There comes a time when it's to much of a gamble to risk again.

 

[chazzc103]

The desire never leaves, age can dull it, giving up will kill it.

 

[Booboobear84]

Good luck with that! Especially the "no emotional attachment" part. Friends with benefits is a nice concept, but humans usually tend to get attached. Which is not necessarily a bad thing in my book.

Pretty much what I was thinking.

 

[Uneklensane]

There comes a time when it's to much of a gamble to risk again.

Risking what? Love...rejection...your heart...a relationship that may work in both parties favor?

 

[AnnieLit]

Risking what? Love...rejection...your heart...a relationship that may work in both parties favor?

Risking everyday compatabity.
Opened toothpastes, not lowered toilet seats, that sort of things. Dating and sex once every few weeks is one thing, living together is quite another. At 25 it is easy to change your habits, at 35 harder, but possible. At 55 close to impossible.

 

[DarcyUK777]

You never realized that people might have kids and mortgages, be friends or have a business together? Not to mention that if no sex is due to an illness of one of the spouses, some people do take that "in illness and in health" seriously. Married life is never only about sex, even though it is a big part of it.

Having been a widower for 5 years now, one thing I learned through my wife's illness and her eventual passing is that life is like building a brick wall, the bricks are the experiences you share together and the sexual intimacy is the cement that holds it together. If you have strong cement, a rewarding sex life (whatever form suits you both) you have a solid wall, weak cement and it can come toppling down as one of you is not going to be fulfilled. Easy to say with kids and mortgages and businesses to run, but when you can you have to make time for each other. We used to have a date night once a week, and that really helped with our communication and just talking openly. You don't know what you've got until it is taken from you. Life is hard, and getting harder in my view, but don't waste time putting up with the same thing, easy to say I know. (hops off soapbox )

I also tried the dating path when I was ready, as you do, but the ladies I met were somewhat materialistic and not adventurous. I've now, by accident in the first instance, ventured into FWB's (with married women x 2) and even helped out a few couples with their fantasies for a threesome, all of which have been very rewarding and something I'd never have dreamed of a few years back. One of my FWB's has even offered to introduce me to friends of hers who have husbands that don't perform or won't experiment. There has to be a great level of trust in these situations and don't think for one minute I've just jumped in to bed with them (if only lol). There have been many discussions and ultimately the FWB scenario will end if either one of us starts to feel more. On the plus side, the excitement it brings when you've worked out the detail is amazing.

 

[newhere2learn]

So, how many of us would gladly have a regular friend on the side to fill the no sex void. No emotional attachment, just two people meeting each other’s needs? Not multiple one nighters, one person that you could call a friend?

Yeah, I'd go that route. Done it years ago, worked well. We'd been friends before. Neither being sexually satisfied.

We effectively hung out still, as friends, but the middle part of our time together was naked with orgasms.

It worked alarmingly well. She wasn't interested in relationship with me, as she knew we weren't compatible. And likewise me to her.

However, we could get each other off superbly.


If we'd dated, it'd have been a cliché/classic relationship that was toxic and probably violent, but had amazing sex.

So the FWB thing worked really well.

 

[Uneklensane]

Risking everyday compatabity.
Opened toothpastes, not lowered toilet seats, that sort of things. Dating and sex once every few weeks is one thing, living together is quite another. At 25 it is easy to change your habits, at 35 harder, but possible. At 55 close to impossible.[/QUOTE

Yes I fully understand that. I'm the same. I will try to venture out occasionally to try new things but I know what I like. Flip top tooth paste, seat always down, I'm good with my mouth and hands in the interim for sex. I like single malt scotch and martinis.

 

[curiousnr66]

Lots of reasons - I live in a expensive area and we couldn’t support two households, I have a young child in a great school and I’m not disrupting that. My husband is a good man and we don’t have a bad relationship - it’s not as easy as just leaving.

Yes, it is not easy...for many many reasons...I'm with you on this Spirted.

 

[ken461972]

sexless marriage

hey I am a 47 year old man in a sexless marriage so if anybody has any thoughts or sugestions please send me a private message thanks

 

[Trident1]

The thing you’re referring to in relation to women in their 40s and 50s is termed the Sex Surge - you should google it. I was on another chat site frequented by women and there were a considerable number of women commenting about it. My own marriage has been sexless over 7 years and now I find it extremely difficult. I wouldn’t say my behaviour has been entirely exemplary for the last year but I’m finding it hard to feel bad about it.

I'm the same way. My marriage has been sexless for some time now. I used to be really upset about it but now...I'd rather take care of it myself then have sex with her. I feel guilty but then I remember why we don't have sex and the feeling goes away. It's too bad the people who want to have sex can't just meet up with everyone else who wants to have sex....like a trading Post. LOL. I'll trade mine in and take a different model.

 

[Muhndoggie]

Been there, done that but didn’t get the t-shirt. 23 years of hoping to get lucky with the wife every night till now. And then the divorce papers sent via email in a very down-to-business manner from her lawyer. Later she came clean and admitted there’s never been a connection nor did she truly ever love me. So broke my heart but set me free in a way. Kind of ironic though, pretty much ruined my outlook on women completely.

 

[happyhouror2]

I am a lurker... but couldn’t NOT chime in to this thread. Sexual Anorexia (great word) began immediately for my relationship. I thought he was a nice guy and a gentleman. In the beginning we had a long distance relationship and met up every 4-6 weeks to date and be intimate. Ironically- that is how often we have had sex for the past 16 years -if I was lucky. I have begged, cried, threatened, read books, tried EVERYTHING... and I do mean everything. Nothing worked, in fact, it may have made things worse.

7 years ago he was diagnosed with low T. He began treatment to no effect.

4 years ago I met a man here and we had the most incredible love affair. It ended and with it, my desires did as well. I prayed to become Asexual, like my husband, because he’s an amazing man in ALL other aspects.

God answered my prayers and now I’m “existing”. I don’t want sex from my husband, don’t need sex and have even turned him down. (Which he throws the hugest fit about and gets soooo pissed about. I’m not vindictive. I just tell him to be happy, we are finally on the same page and I’m not hounding him and crying and threatening.) That internal fire and burn that enveloped me from the inside out has been snuffed out. I feel numb. But it’s better than the pain and heartache.

He has never been outwardly affectionate. I can’t remember the last time we “made out”, Perhaps before marriage. He will hold my hand for very short periods of time and hugs and pecks for my way out the door are common.

He’s a family figure now,like a dad, or a brother. I want nothing but good for him and love him? but DO NOT want to have sex with him. It’s a pathetic existence and I realize that. However, I have chosen my path. I strayed and ultimately stayed.

Don’t get me wrong it took its toll on me, but I am a gorgeous, successful, educated, kind, incredible mother and friend. I just needed to find myself and KNOW that for myself....I was ENOUGH. I needed to keep active and fit... for myself, even though no one sees me naked in that way any more.

My advice to all those who suffer sexual anorexia along side me, is to find the best version of yourself through it. If you are overweight and don’t like it, change it. If you need a wardrobe enhancement, spend the money on it. Take care of you. I will never regret my affair, because he taught me so much and we helped build one another back up, so that we could stay for our families. I will always love him.

You are ENOUGH. Find a way to convince yourself of it. Also except that moving on isn’t a failure and that looking outside of your marriage for love doesn’t make you a bad person. Lack of affection is a form of neglect and we all do what we can to get through it.

This is the most honest and well written post I've seen in my time here. You are not alone

 

[HampshireBoy]

<snip>

My advice to all those who suffer sexual anorexia along side me, is to find the best version of yourself through it. If you are overweight and don’t like it, change it. If you need a wardrobe enhancement, spend the money on it. Take care of you. I will never regret my affair, because he taught me so much and we helped build one another back up, so that we could stay for our families. I will always love him.

You are ENOUGH. Find a way to convince yourself of it. Also except that moving on isn’t a failure and that looking outside of your marriage for love doesn’t make you a bad person. Lack of affection is a form of neglect and we all do what we can to get through it.

Thank you for your honest and helpful post.

My first wife lost her sex drive in her thirties, after the birth of our second son. Both of the boys were big babies so she was stretched and bruised, but I think the main issue was just sheer tiredness of looking after two young boys whilst her husband was building a business and not always home in good time. For years we still said "I love you", kissed and cuddled but sex was very rare (once every couple of months if I was lucky). Looking back things started slipping away when she stopped wanting kisses and cuddles so often, didn't accept offers to hold hands out etc. Living this life made me very stressed at work (in fact in my entire life) and impacted her as well. In many ways it was a huge relief to break up.

She tried another relationship, and even invited me into her bed a few times over the next few years, but has now realised that she is not that bothered about sex. She has never really masturbated and has told me that "if" she feels that someone loves her she "may" recover a sex drive, but isn't bothered that she might be missing out. She isn't dating.

After our break up I rediscovered sex with several lovely ladies, who brought me back from the closed down state. I will always be grateful to them because that opening up enabled me to meet and fall in love with my second wife. Part of that was learning to love myself again, dress smartly again and getting out to meet new people.

With me second wife our sex life was great, being a BBW she has always been shy about her body but gradually I've convinced her that her body turns me on as well as her mind. Unfortunately she is going through the menapause and has lost some of her sex drive, but I make clear frequently that it isn't an issue - we can work with it. We tell each other "I love you" frequently, kiss and cuddle often and are always holding hands. So much better this time, affection and intimacy are key.

 

[newhere2learn]

Yes, it is not easy...for many many reasons...I'm with you on this Spirted.

Ditto, aside from physical intimacy, and financial support... My marriage is actually rather good most of the time.

 

[suburban_sexpot]

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