Can some be taught sexy?

[Damned_But_Not_Forgotten]

Can someone be taught sexy? How would you approach the subject?
My 52 year old girlfriend is very sexy, and stays in fantastic shape. But for "health", not to be "hot". She can't see the difference between sexy and slutty.
How do I convince her it is ok, and want her to dress sexy and act slutty for me?

 

[Jada59]

Can someone be taught sexy? How would you approach the subject?
My 52 year old girlfriend is very sexy, and stays in fantastic shape. But for "health", not to be "hot". She can't see the difference between sexy and slutty.
How do I convince her it is ok, and want her to dress sexy and act slutty for me?

You can't change another person. Some people are just naturally sexy. Slutty is a different matter. I don't like slutty in general but being slutty for my guy is another matter.

I guess the question for you would be, specifically how to you want her to be? The term "sexy" means different things to different people. For me, it's how he moves, how he smells, how he smiles, how he looks at me, how he talks to me. It's not necessarily the clothing he wears or the body that he has.

But it can vary from person to person. There can be one person who has strong body odor and I will find it offensive. But another person with strong body odor will be attracted to me.

Do you want her to dress differently? Talk differently? Act differently?

 

[NightL]

Can someone be taught sexy? How would you approach the subject?
My 52 year old girlfriend is very sexy, and stays in fantastic shape. But for "health", not to be "hot". She can't see the difference between sexy and slutty.
How do I convince her it is ok, and want her to dress sexy and act slutty for me?

So another "How do I convince her..." which usually comes from a person who does not listen to their partner.

Maybe it is you who has to learn.
"is very sexy, and stays in fantastic shape" = hot

What are you going to offer up front to be "Hot & slutty" for your girlfriend in these negotiations? Do you need to lose weight, get a new hairstyle, go to the gym, buy some new clothes to improve your appearance? What do you have to offer? If she were to dress and perform as you wish she may ask why bother to be around you.

Why don't you just suggest a special date night out "that we get dressed up for". Enjoy and respect your already "very sexy, and stays in fantastic shape" partner. Don't be a pushy jerk and when you ask her opinion of your "dress sexy and act slutty for me" suggestion make a bloody good effort to listen. Pay attention to what she says and just appreciate the person she is.

 

[Damned_But_Not_Forgotten]

I will answer both of you here. I feel I am very average, but I stay in healthy shape. I'm not a muscle guy, but I'm fit. I dress decent but not "up" very often. We are more comfortable working in the yard or hiking. She runs, and I ride dirt bikes for real exercise.
I am very sexual and I spend almost all of our time together, regardless of the activity, in a state of foreplay. Innuendos, compliments, caresses, kisses, massaging, and playful touching. She states that she is always wet, and never felt sexual before. She has only been in one relationship. It wasn't sexual. Arranged/forced marriage.
I'm not trying to brag but I turned my ex wife from a girl that wasn't that into sex into a cheating nympho. She said I awoke a monster in her. I'm very adventurous, and am very concerned about my partners pleasure before mine.
How would I like her to be sexy? Hmm.
Ok, no, I don't require slutty. I find a sun dress one of the sexiest things ever. My girl covers up from head to toe like a vampire. Jeans or sweats and long sleeve shirts and sweaters. Even in the 100 degree desert temp. I don't think she owns shorts.
How would I like her to be more sexy? How about a little bit of deduction and initiation. Just because I'm aroused or attracted doesn't mean I wouldn't like her to touch me. Her form of letting me know she is horny is by squirming in bed. Then I have to pick up on the clues, and initiate sexual activity.
I don't know if this is part of her mind set but she went to a traditional Catholic boarding school in Michoacan Mexico.
Does this add enough insight to the fact that I am trying?

 

[Damned_But_Not_Forgotten]

A little P.s.
I am also fighting tooth and nail to stop her from blurring the lines between acting like my mother and being my equal partner, friend, and lover.
Being a mother is all she knows. She was barely a daughter, and barely a wife before.

 

[Jada59]

A little P.s.
I am also fighting tooth and nail to stop her from blurring the lines between acting like my mother and being my equal partner, friend, and lover.
Being a mother is all she knows. She was barely a daughter, and barely a wife before.

What's her astrological sign? I'm a Cancer and we tend to be a mother to everyone. Maybe that's something she can't change. I moved out on my own at 19. Didn't get married till I was 35. Didn't have a baby till I was 39. Now what I mean by mothering people is cooking their favorite meal, making sure they are comfortable, babying them when they are sick, hugging them when they are down. That's an aside for me. Whether you're a human, animal or plant, you will get that stuff from me.

A partner is different. I am no longer married. Part of the problem with our relationship was that all he wanted was a mother. Not a friend. Not an equal. Not a lover. Nope. Does not work for me. My daughter and I have what I've been told is a unique relationship in that I've always considered her as an equal and a friend as well as my child. No lover there as I'm not into that stuff.

I take it that your wife married you at a young age? If so, what were her expectations? Are those being met?

Or maybe it's not her. Maybe it's just the dynamics of your relationship but if it's not working for you, then something needs to change. That being said, it's likely you'll both need to make changes and you'll both need to be willing to do that. You may need couples therapy. It's easy for us to identify problems. It's not as easy for us to fix them. That's when we need outside help.

In the meantime, try taking her out on a date. If you have kids, arrange for a good baby sitter so she won't have to worry about that. Take her out to/for something that she wants to do. And treat her like a lover, not just a wife.

 

[NightL]

You want the magic formula for her to be someone she is not, but maybe it is you who needs to be different for her not to be "acting like my mother".

There is nothing wrong with wanting to try new things, though it will require you to communicate your thoughts/desires in a respectful way with your partner. Repeating what I mentioned earlier, listening and paying attention is a big part of communication so don't let her down on that.

In order for someone to venture into new areas with another there needs to be trust and respect. I would be careful that "I spend almost all of our time together, regardless of the activity, in a state of foreplay. Innuendos, compliments, caresses, kisses, massaging, and playful touching" does not appear to be badgering and annoying. That may contribute to an "acting like my mother" response.

Talk to her, not us - and listen very carefully to what she says and respond with care and respect.

 

[Jada59]

I will answer both of you here. I feel I am very average, but I stay in healthy shape. I'm not a muscle guy, but I'm fit. I dress decent but not "up" very often. We are more comfortable working in the yard or hiking. She runs, and I ride dirt bikes for real exercise.
I am very sexual and I spend almost all of our time together, regardless of the activity, in a state of foreplay. Innuendos, compliments, caresses, kisses, massaging, and playful touching. She states that she is always wet, and never felt sexual before. She has only been in one relationship. It wasn't sexual. Arranged/forced marriage.
I'm not trying to brag but I turned my ex wife from a girl that wasn't that into sex into a cheating nympho. She said I awoke a monster in her. I'm very adventurous, and am very concerned about my partners pleasure before mine.
How would I like her to be sexy? Hmm.
Ok, no, I don't require slutty. I find a sun dress one of the sexiest things ever. My girl covers up from head to toe like a vampire. Jeans or sweats and long sleeve shirts and sweaters. Even in the 100 degree desert temp. I don't think she owns shorts.
How would I like her to be more sexy? How about a little bit of deduction and initiation. Just because I'm aroused or attracted doesn't mean I wouldn't like her to touch me. Her form of letting me know she is horny is by squirming in bed. Then I have to pick up on the clues, and initiate sexual activity.
I don't know if this is part of her mind set but she went to a traditional Catholic boarding school in Michoacan Mexico.
Does this add enough insight to the fact that I am trying?

I made my other reply before I read this.

As for the clothing, some people are just not comfortable unless they are covered up. My mom is once such and so is my daughter. Odd for my daughter because she was a dancer but even with her dance attire, when she had a choice, she made it! Her leotards had to have short or long sleeves and the neck had to be as high as possible. Diane Keaton (the actress) will also not wear low cut clothing.

I'm just the opposite. I hate high necklines. The only time I had to cover up was when I had a psoriasis flare up when we lived in CA. For most people, exposure to sunlight clears their skin. Not me. Made mine worse. I had to resort to wearing the Salwar Kameez. This used to be the typical dress of Indian/Middle Eastern women. Lightweight, sometimes almost sheer fabric of a top that fell to the knees or beyond, loose fitting pants and a Dupatta (scarf). I hated being covered up like that but the saving grace for me was that the fabric was so lightweight. I would not wear the Dupatta as traditionally worn. Instead, I just took it with me and used it to cover whatever needed covering from the sun. Thankfully whatever issue that was has resolved. No more psoriasis and I can go back to wearing low cit stuff.

Could your wife have some sort of skin problem? Does she sunburn easily? I do. For that reason, I'm not very outdoorsy. Or...

If she was in an arranged marriage, that in and of itself could be the issue. I don't want to venture to guess how she was raised but if she was raised in some certain religion, then perhaps that in and of itself was the problem. She may have been brainwashed.

Also, if she ran off from her arranged marriage with you... What makes you think she's faithful to you?

The whole thing smacks of problems and issues. I'm no expert but I would say that couples therapy is in order and perhaps even individual therapy for each of you.

 

[hpycpl]

You said that you don't think she "owns a pair of shorts" Well buy them for her. Every woman likes presents for no particular reason.

DON'T go overboard and buy daisy duke shorts and see-thru plunging neckline tops right off the bat. get her some nice casual shorts and short sleeve summer tops, maybe a nice sundress (you said you like those) When she wears them make sure to tell her she looks great and will be the envy of every other woman that sees her (Don't say every guy that sees her will want to fuck her. don't want to spook her)

when she starts feeling comfortable in moderately sexy clothes then maybe buy her something a little more risque' Tell her its for when you two are alone. she will become comfortable wearing that also and then you can progress from there.

Ease her into being comfortable with her own sexuality and the rest will come. Most women become sexy when they feel sexy and only when they feel sexy. Feeling self-conscious is a sure way to revert her.

Just my two cents

 

[Damned_But_Not_Forgotten]

First I will answer Nightl.
You are right. I am bad bad man. Probably all men are.

Ok, Jada.
Thank you for your thoughtful replies.
The girl in th I s question is my fiance.
My ex wife started out non-sexual although affectionate and I turned her into a very sexual person. She had several affairs and eventually left for a guy with more money. We also h ad a fantastic sex life. I was completely blind sided when she left. She later told me I created a monster.
I never cheated in 20 years.
The girl here was married once. It was a sort of arranged marriage, although they met the "regular way". Once the parents found out they were dating she was strongly encouraged to marry. Uniting two strong agricultural families in Michoacan. Sadly, of all the successful children in his family, she got the drunk, spoiled, dead beat. She supported him. She eventually divorced him. She says they had sex maybe ten times in fifteen years. He whored around in T.J.
We were both long divorced before we met. She concentrated on raising their two kids and working to buy a home.
As for the mothering, she is a cancer. This could be the mothering thing.
She does not have a skin condition, just doesn't want to tan or show skin, Catholic boarding school?
We do talk, but I don't want to criticize as she is just awakening to her sexuality. I just want her to be more aggressive and seductive. When a person thinks lingerie is for slits, how do you tell her you want her to wear it without offending or changing her opinion of me?

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Two answers, from opposite poles.

First off, as other have noted, you need to be gentle, encouraging. Women are absolute black holes when it comes to compliments and, if you do it sincerely, you cannot laud her loveliness too much. Try to phrase it in ways that reflect on how you yourself feel when you see her (as in, “I love your figure, it makes me feel like a teenager again.” “You make me feel so loved when we make love.” or “I feel so lucky to have you in my bed.”)

The other thing is that she is what she is. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses, our own multifaceted personalities. Look at the very positive things she brings to your relationship and balance those out against the sexual frustration (is that the right word?) you are feeling. Think very carefully before trying to play Pygmalion with a woman you love - and who loves you.

 

[htester]

Piggy backing on all of the above perhaps the question isn't, 'what can I do to make her do what I want' but 'what can I do to make her feel sexy, loved, and cherished?' The answer to that is what does she like? What makes her feel most comfortable after a long day? Treat her to bath bombs, a sensual massage or a dress from her favorite place.

Forget about showing her off outside the house, think about what you can do to make her feel sexy inside the house like a catered candlelit dinner. As you know, you get out of relationships what you put into it. Don't tell her to 'act like this' or 'don't act like this,' and if you're truly concerned for your relationship, invest in counseling for both of you. Heck, see a sexual therapist. So have fun and good luck with respecting your partner and seeing both sides --

If she feels respected, it's all the better for the two of you --

 

[Damned_But_Not_Forgotten]

Thanks to all, a lot to consider. This woman has way to many excellent traits and offers a lot that is helping me grow as a person. She is an American citizen but raised in Mexico. Contrary to many beliefs (I think mine also) she is "upper class" where I am born and bread no(blue) collar middle class.
I will initiate more conversation and perhaps gifts as suggested above. The details suggested may be wrong but the ideas are spot on. The goal is to let her realise, and believe that she is sexy.
In addition, I will work harder to communicate what I find sexy without being pushy.
Once again, thanks to all.
I still welcome all suggestions.

 

[NightL]

I am bad bad man. Probably all men are.

are you?

and no

 

[Que]

are you?

and no

That bugs me as well. That specific trope particularly, but the idea that you can draw any reasonable guess about the next human, based on the last as well.

 

[Jada59]

You said that you don't think she "owns a pair of shorts" Well buy them for her. Every woman likes presents for no particular reason.

DON'T go overboard and buy daisy duke shorts and see-thru plunging neckline tops right off the bat. get her some nice casual shorts and short sleeve summer tops, maybe a nice sundress (you said you like those) When she wears them make sure to tell her she looks great and will be the envy of every other woman that sees her (Don't say every guy that sees her will want to fuck her. don't want to spook her)

when she starts feeling comfortable in moderately sexy clothes then maybe buy her something a little more risque' Tell her its for when you two are alone. she will become comfortable wearing that also and then you can progress from there.

Ease her into being comfortable with her own sexuality and the rest will come. Most women become sexy when they feel sexy and only when they feel sexy. Feeling self-conscious is a sure way to revert her.

Just my two cents

This woman does not like presents for no particular reason and I especially dislike getting presents that I have no use for. Like shorts. I might wear them for exercise but other than that, I wouldn't wear them.

My ex used to complain about how I dressed. We even got into a fight about it. We were at the mall. So I told him to pick out an outfit for me. He picked a grass green polyester pantsuit. Blazer and pants. I was like... No fucking way! And I fled the store.

My problem is the opposite though. I like to attract attention and dress sexy. I used to have some of his male friends come up and grab me and tell me how good I looked. Same with strangers but they didn't grab me. He would just act sickened and say that I needed to wear better clothes.

 

[Jada59]

are you?

and no

Ugh. He seems to want to be the bad boy. Yeah, some women are attracted to bad boys. I know I am. But...

I just like men in general and I would have to say that the vast majority of them are not bad.

I think this might have less to do with his wife and more to do with the perception of himself!

 

[Jada59]

First I will answer Nightl.
You are right. I am bad bad man. Probably all men are.

Ok, Jada.
Thank you for your thoughtful replies.
The girl in th I s question is my fiance.
My ex wife started out non-sexual although affectionate and I turned her into a very sexual person. She had several affairs and eventually left for a guy with more money. We also h ad a fantastic sex life. I was completely blind sided when she left. She later told me I created a monster.
I never cheated in 20 years.
The girl here was married once. It was a sort of arranged marriage, although they met the "regular way". Once the parents found out they were dating she was strongly encouraged to marry. Uniting two strong agricultural families in Michoacan. Sadly, of all the successful children in his family, she got the drunk, spoiled, dead beat. She supported him. She eventually divorced him. She says they had sex maybe ten times in fifteen years. He whored around in T.J.
We were both long divorced before we met. She concentrated on raising their two kids and working to buy a home.
As for the mothering, she is a cancer. This could be the mothering thing.
She does not have a skin condition, just doesn't want to tan or show skin, Catholic boarding school?
We do talk, but I don't want to criticize as she is just awakening to her sexuality. I just want her to be more aggressive and seductive. When a person thinks lingerie is for slits, how do you tell her you want her to wear it without offending or changing her opinion of me?

Ah... Catholic! I've seen that all too often. My ex was Catholic and had all sorts of sexual hangups including finding the naked body and lingerie to be disgusting.

I also know that not all Catholics are like that. My BF prior to my husband was hotter than hell and had no hangups whatever. That being said, he was not a religious person as an adult. In fact he took a dim view of the church.

You can't really tell a person that you want them to wear something that you don't want them to wear. It won't go over well. Although...

You might try suggesting a penoir set. Perhaps something like this because to me it's not super revealing.

https://www.serenecomfort.com/Eileen-West-Ballet-Cotton-Lawn-Peignoir-Set-White-Duchess-P11923.aspx

Then again, that might not work. My dad was big time into lingerie and my mom was not. She wouldn't even wear a nightgown. Only pajamas. As such, I was the recipient of all of her lingerie. Hehe. Go me!

I do wonder though. Surely you knew she was like this when you met her. Did you expect her to change?

Or was she like my ex? Seeming to like sex prior to marriage but then the minute the vows were said, he told me that everything I thought I knew about him was a lie.

 

[Jada59]

That bugs me as well. That specific trope particularly, but the idea that you can draw any reasonable guess about the next human, based on the last as well.

Yep, yep, yep!

 

[NightL]

How do I convince her

I think this might have less to do with his wife and more to do with the perception of himself!

I also think he suddenly realised I was poking him with a stick about his use of the word "convince".

Over the years I have witnessed a reoccurring attitude with those who use "How do I convince her" here in "How To..." - usually based around a self-centred approach toward their relationships. It is not "how can we grow" but simply a "I want" with ultimately little regard to the feelings of their partner.

"How do I suggest" or "how do I raise the subject" is different than "Grrr, how do I convince her to be a sexy beast and act all slutty for me".


Damned_But_Not_Forgotten have you ever thought to just ask her for a fantasy date? Simple really. Since you want her to be more assertive you could offer to be her sub.

 

[hpycpl]

This woman does not like presents for no particular reason and I especially dislike getting presents that I have no use for. Like shorts. I might wear them for exercise but other than that, I wouldn't wear them.

My ex used to complain about how I dressed. We even got into a fight about it. We were at the mall. So I told him to pick out an outfit for me. He picked a grass green polyester pantsuit. Blazer and pants. I was like... No fucking way! And I fled the store.

My problem is the opposite though. I like to attract attention and dress sexy. I used to have some of his male friends come up and grab me and tell me how good I looked. Same with strangers but they didn't grab me. He would just act sickened and say that I needed to wear better clothes.

You are surely not the same as the OP's wife and I probably shouldn't have grouped women all together in my post when I said "women like gifts for no reason". After reading your response my post sounds very sexist and for that I apologize and assure you it was not the intent.

I do still think that it is an avenue worth pursuing and if she reacts as you have in the past make a quick u-turn and find another road! lol

 

[Damned_But_Not_Forgotten]

are you?

and no

Ok, I am not a bad guy. I am extremely sympathetic, empathetic, and unfortunately a fixer/saver. I put All others needs above my own. I am co-dependent.
I said this because NightL seemed to offer no constructive advise, only suggested that the problem is me.
If I inferred wrong, let it go.

I once had an acquaintance who's wife was some kind of model working for Gloria Steinem. Gloria told the wife that no men are good enough for women, and if you meet one that is, raise your standards.
Gloria convinced his wife to begin divorce proceedings base on the guys selfish abandonment of her when he was deployed by the marine corps to the first gulf war. True story. I misinterpreted NightL's posts as everything in a relationship is the man's fault. I had a moment of cranial rectumitis.

 

[Jada59]

You are surely not the same as the OP's wife and I probably shouldn't have grouped women all together in my post when I said "women like gifts for no reason". After reading your response my post sounds very sexist and for that I apologize and assure you it was not the intent.

I do still think that it is an avenue worth pursuing and if she reacts as you have in the past make a quick u-turn and find another road! lol

No prob. She may like that sort of stuff but it annoys me because I think that the other person didn't bother to take the time to get to know what I like.

 

[Jada59]

Ok, I am not a bad guy. I am extremely sympathetic, empathetic, and unfortunately a fixer/saver. I put All others needs above my own. I am co-dependent.
I said this because NightL seemed to offer no constructive advise, only suggested that the problem is me.
If I inferred wrong, let it go.

Ah but you just said it! You said that you put others needs above your own and you are codependent. That in a nutshell *is* your problem. I hope I am not coming off as sounding harsh but you must put yourself first. Work on yourself. Self love. Make yourself whole. That's the key to any good relationship.

 

[NightL]

I said this because NightL seemed to offer no constructive advise, only suggested that the problem is me.
If I inferred wrong, let it go.

Why don't you just suggest a special date night out "that we get dressed up for". Enjoy and respect your already "very sexy, and stays in fantastic shape" partner.

Talk to her, not us - and listen very carefully to what she says and respond with care and respect.

have you ever thought to just ask her for a fantasy date? Simple really. Since you want her to be more assertive you could offer to be her sub.

I'll leave the "sub" part in there 'cos it is funny - but may actually work for you in negotiations - what are you going to give back in return?

Yes, I do believe that how you present yourself here was coming with a selfish attitude in regard to your "I want". That is why I was pushing back hard with the "communication and respect".

You want your partner to try something adventurous, but you have to allow her to discover what is in it for her. For it to actually mean something, for both of you, she will need to feel this is special for her as well. Special for both of you.

Positive relationships are about respectful communication (don't forget the listening) and compromise. Going in with a "I want" attitude may only at best get a superficial play acting "I'll do it to please him" or just put up barriers and create negativity.

Perhaps start your negotiations with "can we try something that might be fun, it can be just around home when we are alone..." along with "what ideas do you have to make this fun?". Allow and encourage her to be an equal participant in this fantasy, don't impose it.

Let it be a discovery that both of you can enjoy and participate in and not "I want, come over here and be my slutty bitch".

You mentioned she had a bad marriage so the greatest gift you can offer her is space for her to find her wings. Don't try to impose them. Don't be domineering (unless that is a negotiated play).

Allow yourselves the opportunity to play and laugh with life together. If you both agree to play things up a little make sure you can indeed have a laugh at yourselves if it all goes awkward and not as planned. Trying, failing and laughing together is still a win.

Communication with respect from both sides, that is how you start.

Have fun together and remember it is just not all about you.

____________________
Edit:
If she is willing to give your idea a go you have to allow her the opportunity to come up with her own ideas and you equally be willing to follow through.

You could always open up your Literotica writings for her to share in. We may suggest pegging as something she may wish to try