What are some reasons you have NOT involved other people in your relationship?

[KinkyColby]

New here, but it seems like there are a lot of fellow people who fantasize about involving other people in their relationship. Could be hotwife, cuckhold, swinging, open, etc...

For those with the fantasies, have you discussed it or are you holding the fantasy as a secret from your partner?

If you have discussed it, for what reasons did it not happen?

Open to other thoughts from from everyone else too.

 

[PFWilly]

New here, but it seems like there are a lot of fellow people who fantasize about involving other people in their relationship. Could be hotwife, cuckhold, swinging, open, etc...

For those with the fantasies, have you discussed it or are you holding the fantasy as a secret from your partner?

If you have discussed it, for what reasons did it not happen?

Open to other thoughts from from everyone else too.

Only one reason...she just won’t go there.

We often pillow talk about things that get her super aroused. Usually scenarios around a MMF encounter involving one or the other of two lovers she’s had. Gets her (and me...lol) pretty worked up about envisioning me sucking or getting fucked by one of her special friends. Of course I’d like to watch her getting fucked as well. I’d love to do it for her...but no go. One of those guys is still around, I’m certain he would be happy to jump in the sack with us.

Dammit!

 

[KinkyColby]

Only one reason...she just won’t go there.

We often pillow talk about things that get her super aroused. Usually scenarios around a MMF encounter involving one or the other of two lovers she’s had. Gets her (and me...lol) pretty worked up about envisioning me sucking or getting fucked by one of her special friends. Of course I’d like to watch her getting fucked as well. I’d love to do it for her...but no go. One of those guys is still around, I’m certain he would be happy to jump in the sack with us.

Dammit!

Yep. Similar basic response from my wife.

Sounds like you have some communication about it and it gets her going thinking about it too.

I can definetly connect to the interest in "doing it for her". It was a strange thing to understand that it wasn't something she wanted even if I was good with it. To me, as long as our relationship is kept safe, more is a good thing... at least as much as I can say that without having done it.

 

[PFWilly]

I’ve actually had some encounters with one of the guys she had a busy one night stand with many years ago. It allowed us to compare notes...lol. And that helps visualize various scenarios even a bit better! We both sucked him off (not the same night!), but he also fucked her 4 times...he never did get to fuck me. But she LOVES to think about his big cock in my ass. So, even though she won’t go down that road, we at least have a bit of fun with it.

I’d definitely suck and swallow a guy for her entertainment.

Who knows what else I’d do?

 

[anniebaby10]

I’ve actually had some encounters with one of the guys she had a busy one night stand with many years ago. It allowed us to compare notes...lol. And that helps visualize various scenarios even a bit better! We both sucked him off (not the same night!), but he also fucked her 4 times...he never did get to fuck me. But she LOVES to think about his big cock in my ass. So, even though she won’t go down that road, we at least have a bit of fun with it.

I’d definitely suck and swallow a guy for her entertainment.

Who knows what else I’d do?

I have wanted to see my husband suck a cock too but he won't. Not that he is anti gay or anything but he just does not turn him on. I told him how much it would turn me on but he still says no. He does not want to see my fuck another guy and I am not into that either but there is something about a man sucking a cock that fascinates and makes me horny. He will watch gay porn with me and knows I get all wet watching but does not want to be "the star of the show". So I am on the opposite side of this equation

 

[givememoresir]

My husband just isn't interested or willing. He's seems to think it's cheating, even if we agree to it...

 

[QuasiSemiDemiEsqueIsh]

New here, but it seems like there are a lot of fellow people who fantasize about involving other people in their relationship. Could be hotwife, cuckhold, swinging, open, etc...

For those with the fantasies, have you discussed it or are you holding the fantasy as a secret from your partner?

If you have discussed it, for what reasons did it not happen?

Open to other thoughts from from everyone else too.

I have to ask for clarification. It seems like you’re asking why people who aren’t strictly mono haven’t engaged in poly/open relationships yet, but maybe I’m reading that wrong, and my answer is likely to be different based on what you’re actually asking, if I am misinterpreting it.

So...what exactly counts as “involving other people”? For instance, I’m poly, and currently in relationships with two different men who both know about each other but aren’t interested in being together, themselves, so it’s two separate relationships. However, some of my monogamous family members stubbornly insist that the only relationship that counts is the one I have with my nesting partner, the man I live with, so to them my other partner is just me involving other people.

But they are separate relationships. So does that count? Are you asking about group sex, or relationships with more than two people all involved with each other, or any sort of poly relationship(s) at all?

 

[KinkyColby]

My husband just isn't interested or willing. He's seems to think it's cheating, even if we agree to it...

One of our conversations was about a monogamous viewpoint vs. cheating. Best I can figure is that the two things are kind of parallel. So, my wife's objection (one of them) is more from the monogamous direction with a little bit of "it feels like cheating". She does agree that if a couple chooses to change the rules within their relationship, that overrules the cheating/not cheating line.

But, someone else could see it as strickly cheating no matter the situation and not see any difference between non-monogamy and cheating.

 

[givememoresir]

One of our conversations was about a monogamous viewpoint vs. cheating. Best I can figure is that the two things are kind of parallel. So, my wife's objection (one of them) is more from the monogamous direction with a little bit of "it feels like cheating". She does agree that if a couple chooses to change the rules within their relationship, that overrules the cheating/not cheating line.

But, someone else could see it as strickly cheating no matter the situation and not see any difference between non-monogamy and cheating.

I think you're right. The way he sees it is that in our relationship, or any relationship that he's been in, any form of non-monogamy is cheating. I wish I could change his mind.

 

[KinkyColby]

I have to ask for clarification. It seems like you’re asking why people who aren’t strictly mono haven’t engaged in poly/open relationships yet, but maybe I’m reading that wrong, and my answer is likely to be different based on what you’re actually asking, if I am misinterpreting it.

So...what exactly counts as “involving other people”? For instance, I’m poly, and currently in relationships with two different men who both know about each other but aren’t interested in being together, themselves, so it’s two separate relationships. However, some of my monogamous family members stubbornly insist that the only relationship that counts is the one I have with my nesting partner, the man I live with, so to them my other partner is just me involving other people.

But they are separate relationships. So does that count? Are you asking about group sex, or relationships with more than two people all involved with each other, or any sort of poly relationship(s) at all?

I guess my initial question was coming from more of a "what reasons have you been given by a partner for not involving other/more people" (what are their objections).

That said, your situation is just as relevant and I am interested in all perspectives.

Your conversations with your family members might be very similar to my wife's reaction of "no, because we are in a monogamous relationship", in a sense.

 

[Erosfan]

I share my fantasies with my wife. She says she doesn't have fantasies. We both have exhibitionist leanings. She has mellowed over time and I have gone the other way. I am a huge fan of CFNM and we have discussed this at length. She is very willing to talk with me and share her thoughts.
She comes up with very interesting scenarios when we have these discussions. She talks about things we could do and how she could put me on display. She even said she had an aunt that would be willing to help us with my fantasies. When I ask her to set something up, she just says, "I don't think I can go through with it."
She has a vivid imagination and is very creative, sexually and in many other ways.

I have assured her that I don't want to have sex with anyone else and I don't want her to have sex with anyone else either. I just want her to show me off and use me as her boy toy for her amusement and I really want her to invite a friend or two.

Sometimes she will give me hand job when I am driving and she makes no effort to cover me up when others could see us. She says we have been seen and she seems to enjoy that.

I can't get her to take that next step and I'm not sure why she won't go there.

 

[ReaperW]

As something we've considered as a couple, but not explored, the biggest barriers we've encountered in this discussion are the following:

Emotional attachment. Sex is rarely just sex, especially, in my opinion, the best kind of sex. So the understanding that it's OK for there to be some connection but the assurance that the existing relationship is priority is very important.

Discretion. Putting yourselves out there is scary and no matter how comfortable you are with yourselves sexually, it's another thing to expose yourselves in a way that could change relationships at your work, your social life, and if you have family then you also want to protect them from any effects of your sex life. Trust is always hard, and depending who you're opening your relationship to, it could be a while coming for both parties.

Hope that's interesting to you and that you find what you are looking for.

 

[screwher]

My wife and I are a happily married hotwife couple. My biggest concern about the lifestyle is that a lover of hers is going to get too attached to her. Then try to cause problems within our marriage. So far all the men shesbeen with have just been in it for the pussy. Which is exactly what I want.

 

[KinkyColby]

I share my fantasies with my wife. She says she doesn't have fantasies. We both have exhibitionist leanings. She has mellowed over time and I have gone the other way. I am a huge fan of CFNM and we have discussed this at length. She is very willing to talk with me and share her thoughts.
She comes up with very interesting scenarios when we have these discussions. She talks about things we could do and how she could put me on display. She even said she had an aunt that would be willing to help us with my fantasies. When I ask her to set something up, she just says, "I don't think I can go through with it."
She has a vivid imagination and is very creative, sexually and in many other ways.

I have assured her that I don't want to have sex with anyone else and I don't want her to have sex with anyone else either. I just want her to show me off and use me as her boy toy for her amusement and I really want her to invite a friend or two.

Sometimes she will give me hand job when I am driving and she makes no effort to cover me up when others could see us. She says we have been seen and she seems to enjoy that.

I can't get her to take that next step and I'm not sure why she won't go there.

Her openness and creativity are a great benefit. The "whys" are definetly the hardest part, even if there is good communication. One of my most difficult realizations was that it was a struggle for her to figure out why she didn't have an interest in some things.

 

[KinkyColby]

As something we've considered as a couple, but not explored, the biggest barriers we've encountered in this discussion are the following:

Emotional attachment. Sex is rarely just sex, especially, in my opinion, the best kind of sex. So the understanding that it's OK for there to be some connection but the assurance that the existing relationship is priority is very important.

Discretion. Putting yourselves out there is scary and no matter how comfortable you are with yourselves sexually, it's another thing to expose yourselves in a way that could change relationships at your work, your social life, and if you have family then you also want to protect them from any effects of your sex life. Trust is always hard, and depending who you're opening your relationship to, it could be a while coming for both parties.

Hope that's interesting to you and that you find what you are looking for.

Those are my personal two main caution flags bringing it up.

I know she needs emotional connection to enjoy sex. Am I good with that? The more open conversations we have had, the more I have felt like we could overcome that worry and whatever happens it is "us first".

For many reasons, including ScrewHer's concern about the 3rd party having a connection that becomes too much, the annonimity and discretion would be close 2nd priority. If it was to happen for us it would probably only be possible if there was a travel component and there is no overlap with the rest of our life, friends, family, etc.

 

[LekaSveta]

My partner and I are polyamorous, but the main reason we don't usually involve someone else in our relationship is that it doesn't usually work. we both have lovers separately, but the few times we've had someone involved with both of us it never really worked too well our third party always seemed to get attached to one of us and become jealous of the other one. we're always up front with our lovers that we will not be leaving each other for them and that we won't tolerate jealousy and passiveness. For that reason I usually stick to one night stands and short flings, my partner has managed to find a women more like us in temperament and they've been together for a while now, but she isn't really interested in being part of a 3-way relationship.

 

[DennisB]

We have invited others into our bed from time to time. For us it was seeing our spouse enjoying the...ministrations of another. Watching them pleasing and being sexually pleased. But it is not for everyone. You and your SO need to make sure it is what you BOTH wanted. Sometimes as i am reading posts on here, i kind of chuckle when someone says, "I have always desired "this" my whole life but my spouse will have nothing to do with it". With both of us coming from divorces with sex being the main issue, we talked openly about sex with each other as we dated. We both shared our sexual desires, likes and wants. Both making sure that the other knows and wants the same thing. We talked about everything from porn to toys to others, ensuring that we both were open and honest with each other. I remember those long car rides as we got to know each other better sexually; the rides always ended in a hot sexual ordeal afterwards! It is so sad when we read couples writing, "I have always wanted my husband to fuck my ass but he just is not interested" or "I wish my wife would allow me to take nude pics of her but she says she is afraid". Didnt they talk as they were dating? Sex is so important, didn't they want to make sure that they find someone who's sexuality matches their own? They are going to be together for the rest of their lives, shouldnt they have checked to ensure they both click in the bedroom? I bet they checked their financial compatibility or social compatibility but not sexual? I know i am going off topic here but I see so much frustration.

To get back on track, you both have to agree. You dont want jealousies to come up...very awkward. We have seen at a swingers meet and greet party, 2 couples. Wife A and husband B decided to do a deep intense kiss. Both couples assumingly discussed and approved this. After this very sexual expression, wife B stormed off with a look. It made couple A very uncomfortable. Not cool.

Sorry this got long. PM me for more if anyone is interested.

 

[PFWilly]

I have wanted to see my husband suck a cock too but he won't. Not that he is anti gay or anything but he just does not turn him on. I told him how much it would turn me on but he still says no. He does not want to see my fuck another guy and I am not into that either but there is something about a man sucking a cock that fascinates and makes me horny. He will watch gay porn with me and knows I get all wet watching but does not want to be "the star of the show". So I am on the opposite side of this equation

Sounds, unfortunately, like you’re in a bigger quandary than I. Primarily because I enjoy sucking cock every much as, if not more, being on the receiving end. I was candid about my (limited) experiences with my wife long before we got married. She was very accepting of that, and had no problems with my having a few male encounters after we got hitched. My small frustration comes from the fact that she has a very powerful response to my special interests when we are having sex. I do believe she would have a wonderful time if we invited another guy into our bedroom. And to me, her enjoyment is paramount, so there’s a bit of regret that she won’t go there. Even though we have a perfect candidate who has had sex with her many times over a two year period.

 

[KinkyColby]

We have invited others into our bed from time to time. For us it was seeing our spouse enjoying the...ministrations of another. Watching them pleasing and being sexually pleased. But it is not for everyone. You and your SO need to make sure it is what you BOTH wanted. Sometimes as i am reading posts on here, i kind of chuckle when someone says, "I have always desired "this" my whole life but my spouse will have nothing to do with it". With both of us coming from divorces with sex being the main issue, we talked openly about sex with each other as we dated. We both shared our sexual desires, likes and wants. Both making sure that the other knows and wants the same thing. We talked about everything from porn to toys to others, ensuring that we both were open and honest with each other. I remember those long car rides as we got to know each other better sexually; the rides always ended in a hot sexual ordeal afterwards! It is so sad when we read couples writing, "I have always wanted my husband to fuck my ass but he just is not interested" or "I wish my wife would allow me to take nude pics of her but she says she is afraid". Didnt they talk as they were dating? Sex is so important, didn't they want to make sure that they find someone who's sexuality matches their own? They are going to be together for the rest of their lives, shouldnt they have checked to ensure they both click in the bedroom? I bet they checked their financial compatibility or social compatibility but not sexual? I know i am going off topic here but I see so much frustration.

To get back on track, you both have to agree. You dont want jealousies to come up...very awkward. We have seen at a swingers meet and greet party, 2 couples. Wife A and husband B decided to do a deep intense kiss. Both couples assumingly discussed and approved this. After this very sexual expression, wife B stormed off with a look. It made couple A very uncomfortable. Not cool.

Sorry this got long. PM me for more if anyone is interested.

Lot of truth in this, although perhaps a bit idealistic that all parties fully know themselves before committing. Some of the things I have discovered recently are not at all something that

1) was as widely out there before the internet (places like this didn't exist)
2) was not something that a 18 year old would likely be exploring. Certainly possible, but compatibility and frequency were the key components at that age.

Certainly reasonable to say we were too young to get married at 19. I would not make a different choice though. Making it happily through almost 25 years was certainly not a likely result.

If you do know something about yourself as you are dating, disclosing and discussing it is definetly necessary.

And as to swinging, and involving 3rd+ parties, I would 100% agree to discuss and make sure both of you are clear to avoid awkward situations as you described.

 

[Erosfan]

Her openness and creativity are a great benefit. The "whys" are definetly the hardest part, even if there is good communication. One of my most difficult realizations was that it was a struggle for her to figure out why she didn't have an interest in some things.

So true. I wish I could get her to see how much fun we could have. The interest is there but, it stops there. I think we could have a lot of fun if I could get her to take that next step. I want her to show and display me and I'm hoping that would get her more comfortable with this. I would love for us to be watched enjoying each other. Neither of us are interested in having sex with others and I have assured her, that is not where I want to go with this.

 

[Shelly2inme]

Didn't take much

Once my husband and I started talking openly about the shared wife or hotwife concept it did not take long before we decided to try it. All I needed was to be sure that it was not going to wreck our marriage. Once I knew that he really wanted to try it and that it was not going hurt our marriage I was all in. Even though he gave me a lot of assurance I was still a little worried that after I did it he would feel differently. But when I came home fucked and I saw how turned on he was I knew it was going to be good for our marriage. I do think that most women would try it if they were sure that it would not mess up their marriage. They only need to try it once because if the first time is good then it is addictive. After the excitement of the first time we both knew it was not going to be a one-off experiment. But there are some pitfalls if you are not able to talk openly together.

 

[KinkyColby]

Once my husband and I started talking openly about the shared wife or hotwife concept it did not take long before we decided to try it. All I needed was to be sure that it was not going to wreck our marriage. Once I knew that he really wanted to try it and that it was not going hurt our marriage I was all in. Even though he gave me a lot of assurance I was still a little worried that after I did it he would feel differently. But when I came home fucked and I saw how turned on he was I knew it was going to be good for our marriage. I do think that most women would try it if they were sure that it would not mess up their marriage. They only need to try it once because if the first time is good then it is addictive. After the excitement of the first time we both knew it was not going to be a one-off experiment. But there are some pitfalls if you are not able to talk openly together.

It seems like this is the assumed/expected reaction from many partners making this suggestion. Particularly, if their partner generally likes sex.

It was very much this way for me. I assumed there would be concerns (and I had some of my own that had me questioning my sanity), but if the concerns about risking our relationship, safety, existing relationships with our "real-life" community were addressed, the question of "is more better?" was not all that expected.

Is that a fair generalization/assumption to make, that if you like sex with a committed partner that you would also like it it with other partners just as much, if not more? No, certainly not. But, from my own initial approach and many other decriptions I have read, that seems to be a common assumption going into "the conversation".

 

[BBCfan]

New here, but it seems like there are a lot of fellow people who fantasize about involving other people in their relationship. Could be hotwife, cuckhold, swinging, open, etc...

For those with the fantasies, have you discussed it or are you holding the fantasy as a secret from your partner?

If you have discussed it, for what reasons did it not happen?

Open to other thoughts from from everyone else too.

My wife desires monogamy, as do I for now.

I've told her I would be open to sharing her with an ex lover of hers if she wanted to experience his monster cock again.

I also understand fantasies are sometimes best to stay as fantasy...

If we did go down that road it might not be as great as the fantasy and I wouldn't want to potentially ruin the awesome relationship we have.

I would like fantasize about it with her sometime though., don't think she's into it which is fine as well.

 

[BBCfan]

I have wanted to see my husband suck a cock too but he won't. Not that he is anti gay or anything but he just does not turn him on. I told him how much it would turn me on but he still says no. He does not want to see my fuck another guy and I am not into that either but there is something about a man sucking a cock that fascinates and makes me horny. He will watch gay porn with me and knows I get all wet watching but does not want to be "the star of the show". So I am on the opposite side of this equation

Damn, wish my wife was a bit more like you. That would be awesome but I'm not complaining. She is very tolerant of my cocksucking desires and with time I can see her hopefully sharing in it more with me.

 

[Dt372]

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