❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[base10]

So, my professional assessment is: You need to get laid.

that's accurate

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#36

Emotional Exhibitionism

How much do you put your emotions on display? Does it differ between "real" life and Lit? Does displaying, discussing, explaining, or revealing your emotions come naturally to you? Has a partner ever pushed you emotionally? How and how did that feel?

(To clarify, while I am asking specifically about sexual or relational emotions, feel free to discuss whatever emotions you'd like.)

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

#36

Emotional Exhibitionism

How much do you put your emotions on display? Does it differ between "real" life and Lit? Does displaying, discussing, explaining, or revealing your emotions come naturally to you? Has a partner ever pushed you emotionally? How and how did that feel?

(To clarify, while I am asking specifically about sexual or relational emotions, feel free to discuss whatever emotions you'd like.)

Things that make me uncomfortable, but also turn me on.

 

[AlwaysFara]

#36

Emotional Exhibitionism

How much do you put your emotions on display? Does it differ between "real" life and Lit? Does displaying, discussing, explaining, or revealing your emotions come naturally to you? Has a partner ever pushed you emotionally? How and how did that feel?

(To clarify, while I am asking specifically about sexual or relational emotions, feel free to discuss whatever emotions you'd like.)

Friendship wise, there is no difference. I have met so many online people from many websites, and my friendships all translate. My real life and online friends interact seamlessly in life and on my social media.
That attests to me being me.

Sexually or romantically, I’m more reserved, online. I’ll talk about the topics of love and sex, but not really how I feel. Not much. Not anymore.
It’s nunya.

I’m very open and expressive with him. With all parts of me. No one else gets to see that.
I’m pretty open, im general, but I struggle with anger. Without going into depth, I was punished for showing anger in my longest relationship, by withdrawal of love and affection. It changed who I am.
When I get angry? It’s all out there. I save it for politics and injustices of the world. On a personal level? It’s a day by day thing.

He pushes me, emotionally. Makes me look at stuff in myself I don’t want to... and so far, he still loves me.
It’s scary.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Things that make me uncomfortable, but also turn me on.

Lol, relatable!!

 

[Bramblethorn]

#36

Emotional Exhibitionism

How much do you put your emotions on display? Does it differ between "real" life and Lit? Does displaying, discussing, explaining, or revealing your emotions come naturally to you? Has a partner ever pushed you emotionally? How and how did that feel?

(To clarify, while I am asking specifically about sexual or relational emotions, feel free to discuss whatever emotions you'd like.)

I have a lot of opinions about this.

Part of the autism thing is that the way my emotions naturally manifest doesn't match the way most people expect them to look. The more I trust somebody and feel happy/relaxed around them, the less eye contact I'll make. One time when I was in shock/grief after learning a friend was terminally ill, somebody commented about how calm and peaceful I looked, which was absolutely NOT how I was feeling.

Problem is, there are times when I need people to understand my emotional state, and even when I use my words... sometimes they choose to go by their (mis)interpretation of my body language than just listen to what I'm saying.

It's exasperating because it took me so long to get to the point where I could use my words and talk honestly about how I feel, and everybody was telling me this was the pinnacle of adult communication... and then I get to that point and find that so many people don't actually listen. (At least I get the consolation of knowing that now it's their fault instead of mine, but that's not terribly helpful.)

One time my now-ex did something thoughtless that was really upsetting to me. The details don't matter, but it was a major breach of trust. So I did the grown-up thing, even though I was hurting pretty badly, I waited until I was calm and collected and wrote explaining exactly why this was a problem for me, and that it was serious, and suggesting some options for different ways to deal with the situation next time. And they read it and apologised and agreed that it wouldn't happen again...

...and then two weeks later, they did the EXACT SAME THING, and it felt so much worse this time, because it wasn't supposed to happen again. And my ex's response was "I'm sorry, I know we talked but I didn't understand that it would hurt you like this."

So I end up in this situation where I have to choose between displaying emotion in the way that comes naturally to me, or performing my emotions in the way that they expect. It's not enough for me to say "this thing is really hurtful to me because blah"; I have to deliberately add a few "fuck you"s to the message, not because I want to swear, but because it feels like the only way to be understood.

I don't feel comfortable doing that. It feels fake and manipulative, raising my voice (literal or on-line) as a calculated thing to make people believe that I am sad/angry/etc. even though that is exactly how I feel. And meanwhile, the concentration required to perform emotion detracts from my ability to actually deal with whatever situation it is. In the long run, it's not something I can keep on doing.

Does that make me an emotional exhibitionist? I don't know.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Bramblethorn, thank you for sharing. That was incredibly insightful.

 

[Paul_Chance]

#36

Emotional Exhibitionism

How much do you put your emotions on display? Does it differ between "real" life and Lit? Does displaying, discussing, explaining, or revealing your emotions come naturally to you? Has a partner ever pushed you emotionally? How and how did that feel?

(To clarify, while I am asking specifically about sexual or relational emotions, feel free to discuss whatever emotions you'd like.)

I’d say about 90% of the time my emotional state is bemused indifference.

When I experience the deep emotion I have no problem expressing it. I found that repressing your emotions is counterproductive. Fortunately, for me, the most often means expressing happiness, wonderment, and joy. I don’t express negative emotions online. That’s not why I come online. If I’m online it’s usually because I’m in a good mood. When I’m not, I do other things.

It does come very naturally to me, especially within the context of a relationship. I think one of the things that makes a relationship healthy and successful is emotional honesty.

This is a personal opinion, but I think that if you’re in a relationship and you’re intentionally pushing negative emotional boundaries, that’s pretty fucked up. I simply won’t be in a relationship with someone who is actively trying to induce negative emotions in me as their partner. Life is way too short to put up with that kind of bullshit.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I used to be a 'heart on my sleeve' kind of girl. Not so much anymore.

Harmless, everyday emotions, sure. But the kind that reveal a weakness or vulnerability, i am much more... intentional about.

 

[base10]

I'm the stoic type of person, both online and in real life. From a sexual perspective, the biggest difference is being much more open with my emotional reaction to the kinky/taboo things that turn me on. Which is what I like about it here. I can be open about fetishes I don't talk about to everyone.

 

[AveryElle]

I have a lot of opinions about this.

Part of the autism thing is that the way my emotions naturally manifest doesn't match the way most people expect them to look. The more I trust somebody and feel happy/relaxed around them, the less eye contact I'll make. One time when I was in shock/grief after learning a friend was terminally ill, somebody commented about how calm and peaceful I looked, which was absolutely NOT how I was feeling.

THANK YOU FOR THIS! My spouse has ASD and I get SO tired of people - especially in any kink related arena - saying ‘just communicate! Why is that so hard!’ Because for some people, it is. Or is different and we aren’t used to how best communicate with the person with ASD. I’ve seen it here on the thread - we work things out by communicating. Good for you. Neurotypical relationships are eaaier to navigate and just throwing out ‘communicate!’ is less than helpful or realistic for so many of us.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I used to be a 'heart on my sleeve' kind of girl. Not so much anymore.

Harmless, everyday emotions, sure. But the kind that reveal a weakness or vulnerability, i am much more... intentional about.

This.
Especially not here anymore.

 

[AveryElle]

#36

Emotional Exhibitionism

How much do you put your emotions on display? Does it differ between "real" life and Lit? Does displaying, discussing, explaining, or revealing your emotions come naturally to you? Has a partner ever pushed you emotionally? How and how did that feel?

(To clarify, while I am asking specifically about sexual or relational emotions, feel free to discuss whatever emotions you'd like.)

I think there are maybe...four men, total, that I have let my guard completely down for. It is incredibly hard for me to be emotionally honest. I'm aware of my emotions, I just try hard not to share them. I dont think he's ever come into play in a power dynamic relationship, it's just how I am. I have a very, very tough exterior and that's what I would call a protective shell (hard candy coating?). Part of it is protection, part of it is self confidence ("why would I do that when there's no way he really likes me"), and part of it is the role I play in every day life of needing to have almost all of my shit together all the time, and if I let one thing go, it feels like it will unravel.

Has a partner ever pushed me, emotionally? Yes, but I don't think this was ever intentional on their part. I hook up with an ex, and while we were actually together, I twisted my life around in order to fit into his life how I thought I should so that he'd like me as much as I liked him. It made me feel awful about myself, and then when I ended everything, I kept how bad it all made me feel inside. When we reconnected, I exploded on him and (he claims) he had no idea how I felt and wouldn't have done things the way he did. Now, I treasure our openness, even when we've gone months without intimacy, because I know that I'm one of the few he can open up to without judgment, and vice versa.

There is a partner in my life now that knows how difficult it is for me for to be vulnerable, and while it feels more....natural for me to open up to him, it's still fucking hard. I hate how some aspects of life adjacent to our relationship make me feel and I have yet to be able to overcome them, many moons later. I'm open about them and while it ebbs and flows, it has not, overall, gotten any easier for me to handle how I feel - just easier for me to tell him how I feel. This has, however, been a two way street. He used to get upset when I was honest about certain things - Normally, I'd just sort of say 'fuck it' and never do it again. But we continued to talk about his reactions to my opening up and I kept trying to be as open as I know how to be.

And now...spouse. Like Bramble, my spouse has ASD (autism spectrum disorder). Emotions he feels aren't displayed or reacted to in the same way as most of us. It has pushed me, sometimes, to the limits of what I'm capable to explaining. However, we both are rather reserved in that regard.

I value my independence and look down on women that display a neediness (sorry, just being honest!), and I have yet to find the emotionally open balance in that.

 

[Bramblethorn]

THANK YOU FOR THIS! My spouse has ASD and I get SO tired of people - especially in any kink related arena - saying ‘just communicate! Why is that so hard!’ Because for some people, it is. Or is different and we aren’t used to how best communicate with the person with ASD. I’ve seen it here on the thread - we work things out by communicating. Good for you. Neurotypical relationships are eaaier to navigate and just throwing out ‘communicate!’ is less than helpful or realistic for so many of us.

Most of my relationships have been with other autistic people, and you'd think that would make communication simpler... but problem is, we're so used to having to adapt to NT communication norms that it can be hard to switch that off, and I end up doing some of the same stuff to my partner that exasperates me when people do it to me :-/

Like Bramble, my spouse has ASD (autism spectrum disorder).

FWIW, I prefer not to be identified as "disordered" because it's tied in with a deficit model that focuses more on my weaknesses than on my strengths. It's like comparing forks and spoons, and declaring that forks are "disordered" because they can't hold liquids. No beef with other autistic people who do find that "disordered" is accurate for them, each one of us is different, but it isn't my preferred term.

(No offence taken, it's a very commonly used term and you had no way of knowing my preference, just mentioning for the future.)

 

[AlwaysFara]

It’s easier to talk about sex than love here.
In my life, I can do both.
I trust you all more with my pussy than my heart.

 

[AveryElle]

^^understood but don’t think anyone would know what I was talking about otherwise

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

FWIW, I prefer not to be identified as "disordered" because it's tied in with a deficit model that focuses more on my weaknesses than on my strengths. It's like comparing forks and spoons, and declaring that forks are "disordered" because they can't hold liquids. No beef with other autistic people who do find that "disordered" is accurate for them, each one of us is different, but it isn't my preferred term.

Great explanation, thank you Brambly.

I have 19yo twins on the spectrum (their father is, too), and my daughter is really struggling with the fact that she has officially been declared broken.

You know, 'cause she doesn't feel out of place enough already.

 

[AveryElle]

To be fair, it’s a spectrum. And everyone is on it.

 

[seela]

Nope.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Asd

I just wanted to drop a quick note of thanks to you all for talking about ASD.

I’m definitely one of the people who thinks the answer to most problems is communication. I know I’ve said that online probably 100 times over the years.

Your writing here has given me a different perspective and kind of open my eyes to something I’ve never really thought of in a great depth. I’ve never been in a relationship with a person with ASD.

I think that is one of the very powerful aspects of the Internet in general and forums where you interact with other people specifically. Over the years it has certainly exposed me to points of view that I have never considered before or experiences that I’ve never had.

Underline my fears advocacy of communication, communication, communication is A twin set of beliefs. First, I think that communication skills can be learned and taught, and second I think that everyone has the capacity to learn those skills. They certainly come easier to some people than other people for a wide variety of reasons, including underlying medical and health related issues, such as ASD.

So, thank y’all for sharing!

 

[midwestyankee]

It’s easier to talk about sex than love here.
In my life, I can do both.
I trust you all more with my pussy than my heart.

While this is generally true, there have been some active discussions of love here in the past. Here is one that I enjoyed: Defining Love.

 

[Apisto42]

#36

Emotional Exhibitionism

How much do you put your emotions on display? Does it differ between "real" life and Lit? Does displaying, discussing, explaining, or revealing your emotions come naturally to you? Has a partner ever pushed you emotionally? How and how did that feel?

(To clarify, while I am asking specifically about sexual or relational emotions, feel free to discuss whatever emotions you'd like.)

I used to be too open with people. I’m very much a “this is who I am, fuck off if you don’t like it” kind of person. That got to be too exhausting. I’m much more reserved now in life than before. Parenting and spousing had (has still?) steep learning curves for me. When you’re taught (like most men of previous generations) that the only viable male emotion is anger, it can lead to a swing too far the other way trying to compensate I think. While still feeling free to express anger at any given situation. So I basically have tried to rein in most things most of the time.

I usually only post on lit when I’m in a good mood. Which is most days. It’s a fun silly place (the PG I suppose). If I’m having a shitty day, I go do other things that I like instead of spreading a bad mood. The audio thread? I know I’m too open on it. Hopefully just the too open with happy things. Like beautiful fucking flowers. Look at them. Fucking gorgeous.

Spouse? Hah! She’s fire and I’m air. It’s an explosive combination. We push each other constantly. Both good and bad.

A short note on ASD: I’ve had the chance this past year to teach some kids. A few of them are on various levels of the spectrum. It’s been an extremely rewarding experience for me. Not broken at all, just different ways of communicating.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I think that is one of the very powerful aspects of the Internet in general and forums where you interact with other people specifically. Over the years it has certainly exposed me to points of view that I have never considered before or experiences that I’ve never had.

...

Underline my fears advocacy of communication, communication, communication is A twin set of beliefs. First, I think that communication skills can be learned and taught, and second I think that everyone has the capacity to learn those skills. They certainly come easier to some people than other people for a wide variety of reasons, including underlying medical and health related issues, such as ASD.

Migrating my response over to the Mental Illness thread so as not to derail the discussion here. (tldr: yes but be mindful that learning these skills isn't "free".)

 

[Gamine67]

I just wanted to drop a quick note of thanks to you all for talking about ASD.........

.......Underline my fears advocacy of communication, communication, communication is A twin set of beliefs. First, I think that communication skills can be learned and taught, and second I think that everyone has the capacity to learn those skills. They certainly come easier to some people than other people for a wide variety of reasons, including underlying medical and health related issues, such as ASD.

So, thank y’all for sharing!

That was a very kind observation.

I’m probably a highly functioning ASD and while it is a depilating ‘disorder’ for some, I think of it as my superpower. Academically and professionally I’ve leveraged it to my advantage and I wouldn’t truly be me without it, but I also realize I am a fortunate minority.

Like many with ASD I have a difficult time interpreting emotional signals face-to-face, but I can fake it to a certain extent for a few hours.

My “emotional intelligence” is fairly rudimentary so while I may feel sympathetic eventually, I generally have no clue in real time that someone is unhappy or distressed. So while it may appear I’ve “learned” how to communicate, I’m actually mimicking previously learned responses to verbal clues. Frankly it’s exhausting and I have to decompress afterwards.

Growing up in the 70’s instead of having ASD and a ‘disability’ I was just one of those kids who fidget, don’t participate in class, daydream and don’t fit it.

It was probably a lot simpler then.

 

[clistenovena]

To be fair, it’s a spectrum. And everyone is on it.

#truth

On Lit I've generally not shared a lot about my emotions or inner workings. Sometimes I feel like I'd like to share more, but a) it's scary b) who cares c) I don't know how to do it d) it doesn't fit the brand e) I'm too old for that shit.

^This^ sums it up for me on the subject of emotional availability, whether here or face to face.

Which is what I like about it here. I can be open about fetishes I don't talk about to everyone.

Lit is good for this very thing.