❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[Angedesoleil]

On the job touching v. Hugging.

I ** ask** if I may hug. Always. Even and especially if it is a student. I never get the same respect.

I have no problems telling someone I do not want to be touched. I especially don't like to be touched if I'm upset. I dont know why. It sets off every alarm I have. Whether I'm distressed or angry, there is ONE PERSON in the world who is allowed to touch me when I'm upset. It changes who it is dependent upon life, but that person is **my Person**.
Everyone else, I just dont want to be touched TYVM.

I used to work in a professional kitchen. The worst physical discomfort from touching happened in culinary school and in the kitchen. The men didn't want us there and decided whatever we got for encroaching on their " territory" we deserved.

I've had a chef instructor comment on my jacket with an unfortunate chocolate smudge ( I'm 5'2 like Fara so my chest hit bench height) that " some guys may like that but try to keep your tits out of the chocolate in this kitchen.
I was mortified.

Different chef made a comment about a colleague and I in the refrigerator.

In a professional kitchen I leaned down to get something and had a chef throw his apron over my head and tell me while I was down there I might as well do something useful. I moved out of that kitchen a week later. I was the first female to get OUT of the prep kitchen and onto the line. The chef's only compliment to me was " well name, you made it six months. I thought after a week you'd come crying begging me to put you back in prep. You proved me wrong. " ... thanks.

This is a chef and a kitchen if I said the name of at least 70% of people would know who it was.


My current pet peeve... what someone else said... adjusting my clothes. It sends me up a wall. DONT TOUCH ME without asking. Guh.

 

[Fragile_Rock]

I've been on both sides of the touching thing at work. Being touched by anyone is a welcome feeling, as long as it is of good intent. There is such a comforting feeling of another person having the need to reach out.
I have been groped by co-workers before, and that was shot down, because they weren't looking to make me feel good, their motives we're clearly less than admirable.
I feel comfortable touching others, on the shoulder, and arm, in a gentle way. But I also understand, on the job, what can and cannot occur.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I hate the NY cheek kisses. FTR.

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

On the job touching v. Hugging.

I ** ask** if I may hug. Always. Even and especially if it is a student. I never get the same respect.

I have no problems telling someone I do not want to be touched. I especially don't like to be touched if I'm upset. I dont know why. It sets off every alarm I have. Whether I'm distressed or angry, there is ONE PERSON in the world who is allowed to touch me when I'm upset. It changes who it is dependent upon life, but that person is **my Person**.
Everyone else, I just dont want to be touched TYVM.

I used to work in a professional kitchen. The worst physical discomfort from touching happened in culinary school and in the kitchen. The men didn't want us there and decided whatever we got for encroaching on their " territory" we deserved.

I've had a chef instructor comment on my jacket with an unfortunate chocolate smudge ( I'm 5'2 like Fara so my chest hit bench height) that " some guys may like that but try to keep your tits out of the chocolate in this kitchen.
I was mortified.

Different chef made a comment about a colleague and I in the refrigerator.

In a professional kitchen I leaned down to get something and had a chef throw his apron over my head and tell me while I was down there I might as well do something useful. I moved out of that kitchen a week later. I was the first female to get OUT of the prep kitchen and onto the line. The chef's only compliment to me was " well name, you made it six months. I thought after a week you'd come crying begging me to put you back in prep. You proved me wrong. " ... thanks.

This is a chef and a kitchen if I said the name of at least 70% of people would know who it was.


My current pet peeve... what someone else said... adjusting my clothes. It sends me up a wall. DONT TOUCH ME without asking. Guh.

Gah I hate this kinda shit. Working in a pawn shop people expect a guy, even a chubby guy like me. They don't expect my 6' female boss who is the district manager, we have customers literally go through a check list of who she is married too or if she is family before they realize that she just is the boss lol

Today she has been my wife, girlfriend, or the owners sister, daughter.

 

[cookiecat]

#24

Kink Evolution (submitted)

How has your perception of kink / bdsm changed since you got involved in it? Do people in your life know you have a kinky streak? Do you think people in other forums think the BDSM forum is weird, scary?

My perception of kink has changed in that I used to think 24/7 TPE was a way I wanted to live. Now I realize it's a good goal but real life seems to step in and wants to play dodge ball with my dreams. Real life always wins. I can't say I've lowered my expectations - maybe I'm more realistic now.

Before, I believed a lot of the stereotypes: I'm submissive so I don't have a voice / he's dominant so he can do anything he wants to me and should be able to read my mind. Ack! Looking back I was pretty naive.

Do people in my life know? 99% of my friends I've met in the local kink community, so yes. Family?? No. Not ever. I dated a poly guy. He showed up to my work with his "first." My sister worked with me. She was a little weirded out that a guy she knew as someone I was dating showed up and was affectionate with another woman and I was ok with it. I just don't think my vanilla friends/family need to know.

As to what others think about this forum, I'm not sure. I don't spend a lot of time in other forums. What I find curious is when new folks start at thread in the Talk section about wanting to find young girls to talk dirty to or someone needs to find a big titted slut to slap around. That feels like sex, not bdsm.

 

[AlwaysFara]

My perception of kink has changed in that I used to think 24/7 TPE was a way I wanted to live. Now I realize it's a good goal but real life seems to step in and wants to play dodge ball with my dreams. Real life always wins. I can't say I've lowered my expectations - maybe I'm more realistic now.

Before, I believed a lot of the stereotypes: I'm submissive so I don't have a voice / he's dominant so he can do anything he wants to me and should be able to read my mind. Ack! Looking back I was pretty naive.

Do people in my life know? 99% of my friends I've met in the local kink community, so yes. Family?? No. Not ever. I dated a poly guy. He showed up to my work with his "first." My sister worked with me. She was a little weirded out that a guy she knew as someone I was dating showed up and was affectionate with another woman and I was ok with it. I just don't think my vanilla friends/family need to know.

As to what others think about this forum, I'm not sure. I don't spend a lot of time in other forums. What I find curious is when new folks start at thread in the Talk section about wanting to find young girls to talk dirty to or someone needs to find a big titted slut to slap around. That feels like sex, not bdsm.

It feels like desperation. And mid life crisis.

 

[Blue]

It feels like desperation. And mid life crisis.

That guy we are all talking about made 6 sexual solicitation posts over Christmas.

If you combined Stag, me, bluekitty and Honey into one amorphous glob it still wouldn't be that desperate.

 

[13Fantasies]

I'm a hugger as well.

I try not to at work as that seems to upset people. Even if I mention that I'm a hugger, people seem to presume some sort of subtext. I always ask too.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

That guy we are all talking about made 6 sexual solicitation posts over Christmas.

If you combined Stag, me, bluekitty and Honey into one amorphous glob it still wouldn't be that desperate.

Blue!

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Sorry new question is late. I haven't had time to answer the last one! I'll catch up eventually.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#25

#25 (submitted)

Limit Evolution

How have your limits changed since you got involved in bdsm? Do you have hard limits that have changed over time? Things you've added to your hard limit list?

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

#25 (submitted)

Limit Evolution

How have your limits changed since you got involved in bdsm? Do you have hard limits that have changed over time? Things you've added to your hard limit list?

Since I became involved with BDSM my limits haven't really changed. I try and go into everything with an open mind and just the understanding that once something is too far I can stop or not do it again. But I will say that some of my ideas of what is sexually attractive have expanded farther than I would have thought. I never knew about Hucow/ Pregnancy Fetish, Lactation, Programming and many of the less talked about BDSM subsets.

I only have a few hard limits to what I am willing to do/be present for and they have stayed pretty stagnant for the most part. Their are plenty of things that I don't enjoy or that I would only do for a partner, but they really don't qualify as a hard limit that I would have to go "ok enough" with.

I've only really added one thing to my hard limit list and that was mutilation. I never thought I would see it outside of some of the hardcore German stuff/ role play but I've meet a few people who are excited about the idea of broken bones/ limb removal etc. and I just can't get behind that. The idea of truly BREAKING someone gives me a lot of pause.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

#25 (submitted)

Limit Evolution

How have your limits changed since you got involved in bdsm? Do you have hard limits that have changed over time? Things you've added to your hard limit list?

Only one thing has moved from 'well, maybe' to 'not very likely.'

On the other hand, a number of things have moved from 'no, thanks' to 'yes, please.'

So much of it is partner specific.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I don't know that seems like a bit of a reach. I think as a component of some horrific lovecraftian collective amorphous blob, I'd be pretty desperate to scream without a mouth...

Not that it wouldn't be nice to get to know a few of you a little better, but everyone's got SOME limits to their personal space.

Maybe we would just have a mouth, no eyes or ears.

Maybe we'd be sponge-y, porus, so we wouldn't need them.

A spongeblob.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

*perks*

Uhhh.... I've learned that even hard limits are easy bent under the right influence. A soft voice, a soft touch, a bit of nostalgia, no clear intention to change my mind. Dangerous.

*growls*

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Apologies. I am unfamiliar with Ellison, Lovecraft, etc. Horror is a hard limit.

I was just being playful.

 

[cookiecat]

Maybe we would just have a mouth, no eyes or ears.

Maybe we'd be sponge-y, porus, so we wouldn't need them.

A spongeblob.

or the human centipede?

 

[cookiecat]

#25 (submitted)

Limit Evolution

How have your limits changed since you got involved in bdsm? Do you have hard limits that have changed over time? Things you've added to your hard limit list?

For sure they've changed.

I never thought I'd be in to watersports but now, I'm quite fond of it. Same with butt stuff. I'd like to, ummm, explore deeper!?

Since being involved in sharing/group sex - that has become a hard limit. Some moments were fun but mostly awkward. I want to devote my sexual time/energy to one person. No gangbangs, no threesomes or moresomes.

Same with public stuff. Public exposure = hard limit. When I was new to bdsm, I did all that goofy stuff - go to a sex toy store dressed scantily, meet a new kinky date with no panties on. Now, that stuff is a giant NO. I like being a middle aged conventional woman who keeps her dirty dirty secrets saved for someone special.

And - the "I'll pick your clothes" thing. Hard limit. Trust I can figure out how to please my partner. I do like keeping my person in mind when I get dressed!! The stereotype of heels, short skirt, stockings is just a giant NO. Now.... if some guy said "I require you to wear your doc martens, jeans and a big sweater at all times." Then, maybe.


Other than those, I like to think my limits are flexible. With the right person, I think I could be super flexible!

 

[Bramblethorn]

There was a periond where Lovecraft essentially endorsed similar works to his own as a proto-open licence. I don't know if Ellison and Lovecraft actually knew each other or not.

HPL died when Ellison was two, so probably not. But Ellison seems to have appreciated HPL's work enough to write an intro to one of his collections, and he appeared as himself in this with a "Professor H. P. Hatecraft".

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I like being a middle aged conventional woman who keeps her dirty dirty secrets saved for someone special.

Me too.

I like being the nice lady you'd never guess was into... whatever. I like imagining their surprise when they find out.

 

[cascadiabound]

I like being a middle aged conventional woman who keeps her dirty dirty secrets saved for someone special.

Me too.

I like being the nice lady you'd never guess was into... whatever. I like imagining their surprise when they find out.

Yes. This is me too. Middle aged, normal, professional (if progressive politically and maybe a bit arty/ hippy) but otherwise yea, totally conventional - that saves her crazy nasty dirty stuff only for *him*

I have been thinking about the limits thing and how or if it has changed. I guess I came to understand myself in the realm of BDSM late enough I already had a pretty good idea of where my limits were. So, I guess they have not changed very much. The range of stuff I like and want to do more of is pretty wide already (imo) and the stuff i do not want to do is a hard NO. I have had a few conversations about some of my more idiosyncratic hard limits with people who seemed to think they should *not* be hard limits and they have left me only feeling more certain about holding the line. Unlike staggy, I am not particularly persuadable. Things that are on the soft limits - well that is another matter - much more up for negotiation and partner specific.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I haven’t thought of my limits in a while. I’m older now, perhaps questionably wiser, and I haven’t deliberately set out to find or push my limits, nor been involved with anyone who was pushing their limits for a while.

What I engage in tends to be acts I’m interested in or particularly enjoy. I tend to get involved with people who already know what they like and communicate it well.

I have this whole theory about peak experiences. In the realms of pleasure, if a person is constantly seeking a new “peak” experience and pushing their limits, I think they’re ultimately setting themselves up for either disappointment (there are only so many peaks) or boredom (as each successive act makes the other acts pale).

My approach is to seek the sublime within the ordinary moments. If you look at the tangle of pain and pleasure, for me, it’s not seeking more pain, either given or received, but rather perfecting the pain - as lovers seeking out that perfect note - the right pain, at the right time, by the right method. That’s the path to sublime pleasure.

On limits, I find no sexual allure in the messy or unsanitary, so that rules out most bodily fluids, and food play never been my thing. I love the sensual pleasure of food, but independent of sex itself. I also draw a personal line at anything that risks lasting harm. I’ll do groups or threesomes, but it really has to be the right people.

Again, for me, it’s about the perfect note at the right time. With a lover it’s not about hitting the highest note, or the lowest note, or the rawest note, or the most notes in a session. It’s about that one note that fills you, transforms you, and remains resonating within long after the song has passed.

 

[Dribble]

LOL...my whole life has been "Did I really just do that?" or "OMG, I can't believe I just did that". Life can end tomorrow. Why not just enjoy it without shame?

Limits? Sure...I have them. Ask me tomorrow and they may be different. I never say never, even though there are things I can't ever see myself doing. But with the right person? Who knows...

 

[Dreamliner]

#25 (submitted)

Limit Evolution

How have your limits changed since you got involved in bdsm? Do you have hard limits that have changed over time? Things you've added to your hard limit list?

Hard limits, yes. Nothing that will ever injure or psychologically harm a partner intentionally. I do enjoy exploring with a partner, what works for us and it is different with a different partner.

I do not use a checklist approach with a partner. You need to listen to your partner and also sense what is going on at that time. The D\s lifestyle is not 24/7, but what works as a couple.

My attention to a partner means since I have been involved in this lifestyle, I am more comfortable with some of the more painful aspects now, whereas initially I was more tentative.

A lot depends on the confidence and trust between a couple, that needs to be nurtured and developed.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

My approach is to seek the sublime within the ordinary moments. If you look at the tangle of pain and pleasure, for me, it’s not seeking more pain, either given or received, but rather perfecting the pain - as lovers seeking out that perfect note - the right pain, at the right time, by the right method. That’s the path to sublime pleasure...

Again, for me, it’s about the perfect note at the right time. With a lover it’s not about hitting the highest note, or the lowest note, or the rawest note, or the most notes in a session. It’s about that one note that fills you, transforms you, and remains resonating within long after the song has passed.

Beautifully said.