What's something you've always wanted to ask the opposite gender?

[johnrael]

I have always wondered why some women seem to take on a partner with the intention of 'fixing' or changing them? Where does this come from?

I have a theory that a lot of people repeat the relationship patterns that they grew up seeing, good or bad. I think that explains why some people keep repeating bad relationship choices -- it's the pattern that they are familiar with.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I've known men that have done the same thing...getting into a less-than-healthy relationship with the assumption that they can "fix" their partner and make it a good situation.

Uh...no. That. Does. Not. Work.

I can't imagine even thinking like that. I don't want a "perfect" partner...flaws and imperfections are fascinatjng to me, and often even endearing. But I am so naturally empathetic that getting into a relationship with someone truly broken or unhealthily damaged would break *me* rather than helping the other person in that equation.

I have a theory that a lot of people repeat the relationship patterns that they grew up seeing, good or bad. I think that explains why some people keep repeating bad relationship choices -- it's the pattern that they are familiar with.

Agreed. With both gentlemen.

 

[Dribble]

Oh jesus fucking christ....love is blind.

 

[thefishfryer]

Ok so a modern dilemma. Do you share your location with your partner? Has it arisen? How would you interpret it if he refused. I'm interested in the male viewpoint also.

 

[Interested_Girl]

Ok so a modern dilemma. Do you share your location with your partner? Has it arisen? How would you interpret it if he refused. I'm interested in the male viewpoint also.

What do you mean by location? You mean if I am going out will I tell him?

 

[thefishfryer]

What do you mean by location? You mean if I am going out will I tell him?

It's a google maps thing. Shows where you are.

 

[Interested_Girl]

It's a google maps thing. Shows where you are.

LOL. LOL. Oh my God. I am dying laughing. Fuck, send me back to the dark ages where I belong.

Ummmm....No one has ever asked, but if they did the answer would be "No". Not interested in being stalked. Either you trust me or you don't. If ya don't we do not have to be together. Also, I would never ask, because....Ughhh....No thanks.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Ok so a modern dilemma. Do you share your location with your partner? Has it arisen? How would you interpret it if he refused. I'm interested in the male viewpoint also.

We don’t track each other’s phone, but yeah, we usually have a general idea of where each other is.
Why wouldn’t we?

 

[Karabare]

We don’t track each other’s phone, but yeah, we usually have a general idea of where each other is.
Why wouldn’t we?

Right, this.

And when i say I'm going to Target, am but I'm probably going to TJ Maxx too.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Right, this.

And when i say I'm going to Target, am but I'm probably going to TJ Maxx too.

Yeah, it doesn’t have to be every little thing. I would balk if it was. Today I ran errands while he worked in the yard. He knew I was generally in the area taking care of things.
If I decided to go visit my mom, who is 20 minutes away, I would let him know, ask if he needed anything as I’m heading over there.

 

[Jada59]

I have a theory that a lot of people repeat the relationship patterns that they grew up seeing, good or bad. I think that explains why some people keep repeating bad relationship choices -- it's the pattern that they are familiar with.

This is true but they don't necessarily want to fix them.

My ex husband shared many of the bad traits that my dad had such as severe anxiety, anger and ADHD. My mom said when the two of them were together for an hour or more, my dad became unbearable to be around. He (ex) also had this same effect on one of his friends. The guy's wife said he was normally a nice guy but when he was around my husband, he became unbearable. This was so much so that they were never allowed to work together. They had worked together and stirred up too much trouble so it put in their files that they could not be at the same duty station at the same time.

I will also say that my ex went out of his way to cover up these bad traits when we were dating so they weren't very apparent to me or those around me. He would slip once in a while and I'd see glimpses but it was not glaringly apparent until we got married and his true self came out.

The big difference here is that my dad realized that he had problems that were affecting others. He did not come to this realization until I was an adult but he was in treatment, support groups, etc. for more years than I can remember, trying to make positive changes in his life. Although it was clear that he was trying hard to do the right thing, he often failed. He did get a MUCH better grip on his anger and no longer acted out in violent ways.

And... My dad actually had a lot of good traits. He did genuinely care for others. He would give to the poor, help friends and neighbors with projects, drive them places or pick them up, and a myriad of other good things that were sometimes difficult to focus on because prior to him getting therapy, the bad stuff often seemed to overshadow it all to the point where we lived, walking on eggshells so as not to upset him.

My ex though considered himself to be perfect and most everyone else to be severely flawed. Things were always someone else's fault. He was never able to control his impulses and constantly lashed out at the world around him. His violent tendencies were not aimed at people, but things. He broke things in rage. And it was always the fault of the person he was angry with. He also had quite a few bad tendencies if you will, that my dad did not.

My ex will likely never change. We did try therapy several times. Not because I was trying to change him but because our situation had become unbearable for the both of us and he was making it impossible for me to leave. My dad actually had tried to help me get out of the situation but he and everyone else in my life wound up giving up because they realized if they did help, he would then turn on them and make their life hell. But I digress...

It was clear to me after I saw those bad things come out in my ex that the big attraction there was in fact the bad things.

Please note that I am not taking pot shots at those who have ADHD, anxiety or other problems. I know plenty of people who have these things but... The bad issue here was that my ex never saw them as problems and just expected everyone else to deal with this stuff for him. I think it's a wonderful thing when a person realizes that they do have a problem and chooses to address it and tries to make things better. They may even fail at their attempts but the fact that they are trying means the world to me!

 

[cowslinger64]

Ok so a modern dilemma. Do you share your location with your partner? Has it arisen? How would you interpret it if he refused. I'm interested in the male viewpoint also.

Usually I'll tell her if I'm going out, mainly to see if she needs anything. We're both grownups.. We have zero issues with trust, I told her that from the very beginning.. without full trust, we have no business getting married.

It works for us.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Usually I'll tell her if I'm going out, mainly to see if she needs anything. We're both grownups.. We have zero issues with trust, I told her that from the very beginning.. without full trust, we have no business getting married.

It works for us.

Right. It’s not about trust, it’s more about courtesy and convenience.

 

[cowslinger64]

Right. It’s not about trust, it’s more about courtesy and convenience.

Absolutely..

She wanted me to meet her best friend within a week or two of us starting to date.. We went to a nearby restaurant.. during the meal, I went to the bathroom.

Her friend remarked that she was shocked I didn't take my phone.. I'd already told my future wife that I had nothing to hide.. and she told her that.

She's never felt the need to go through my phone, and I don't look at hers.. We both have our fingerprints stored on each others Iphones tho.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Absolutely..

She wanted me to meet her best friend within a week or two of us starting to date.. We went to a nearby restaurant.. during the meal, I went to the bathroom.

Her friend remarked that she was shocked I didn't take my phone.. I'd already told my future wife that I had nothing to hide.. and she told her that.

She's never felt the need to go through my phone, and I don't look at hers.. We both have our fingerprints stored on each others Iphones tho.

Hi slinger! What are the fingerprints for?

 

[johnrael]

My ex though considered himself to be perfect and most everyone else to be severely flawed. Things were always someone else's fault. He was never able to control his impulses and constantly lashed out at the world around him. His violent tendencies were not aimed at people, but things. He broke things in rage. And it was always the fault of the person he was angry with.

Read up on the Cluster B personality disorders, if you haven't already. My ex was a Cluster B. I had no idea that such people existed. I took two semesters of psych in college and the Cluster B personality disorders were never mentioned.

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

Right. It’s not about trust, it’s more about courtesy and convenience.

^^^This.

Unless I'm sneaking around trying to get Christmas presents...

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Question (For everyone, actually. I'm cheating.):

Why do some of you love best, the ones who treat you like shit?

Oh jesus fucking christ....love is blind.

Ain't that the fucking truth.

 

[cowslinger64]

Hi slinger! What are the fingerprints for?

Lol...nothing weird!!

Iphones have Touch ID so you can open it with fingerprints. Im on hers shes on mine..

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Lol...nothing weird!!

Iphones have Touch ID so you can open it with fingerprints. Im on hers shes on mine..

*whew!* haha

 

[ann_alter]

i honestly think there is some sort of chemical/hormone thing involved with this concept

Yeps. Recommended googling on this, "dopamine, variable schedule of rewards".

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

.....

 

[Deleted member 3041612]

bump.

i've seen this with my own eyes (and ears) and i still can't explain it to this day. how can women maintain multiple conversations simultaneously? i once saw a group of five women all talking and responding to one another at the same time - both giving input and receiving output of vocal communication all at once. blew my mind.

We can multitask and keep things in order. Some can perform more because of having to make allowances for that with either children, responsibilities and/or tasks given at work.

 

[Deleted member 3041612]

What is the most valuable lesson you've learned when dealing with women or mates? (Not leaving out those who may have same sex partners, even if it's going against the initial thread title)

 

[thefishfryer]

What is the most valuable lesson you've learned when dealing with women or mates? (Not leaving out those who may have same sex partners, even if it's going against the initial thread title)

Compromise