Poly...When 3 is not a Crowd.

[LostGirlTink]

I wanted this thread. I've been looking for this thread, but it doesn't quite exist, there are a few on here in various places but I want it here where I'm comfortable, where my friends hang out and where I'm hoping it won't die out by page 2.

I'm not poly, but I'm involved with someone that is.
I'm learning.
We're learning.
I've already learned a lot of new words.

https://i.pinimg.com/564x/a6/85/35/a68535c9e3cdd0fe27b6b85144559bdd.jpg

I know we aren't the only ones on here that have this type of dynamic and I figure we may have a lot to talk about together.

 

[BadAmy]

Hello love.
This is a good thread.
Thanks for starting it.

Subbing...for good info.
And respectable conversation.

Xxo
B.a.

 

[navytime09]

I wanted this thread. I've been looking for this thread, but it doesn't quite exist, there are a few on here in various places but I want it here where I'm comfortable, where my friends hang out and where I'm hoping it won't die out by page 2.

I'm not poly, but I'm involved with someone that is.
I'm learning.
We're learning.
I've already learned a lot of new words.

Good luck on your journey Tink!! It gives me great confidence that you are approaching it as a chance to learn and hopefully grow. Often, IMO we rush into things that are fun and new without spending enough time reflecting on how we are changing as a person. Remember that love is not a zero sum but something that can be spread throughout the world infinitely. Also, be mindful of your own feelings and make sure you are not taking a back seat or seen as only a 'sex-toy', unicorns are rare for a reason.

The other threads have some really good advice and I'm sure you will get more from the lovely playground people. Trying not to be too creepy about it... but I'm excited to see where your path leads. Please feel free to reach out with any specific questions or even just to tell me to quit post stalking you.

-Navy

 

[BadAmy]

Also, be mindful of your own feelings and make sure you are not taking a back seat or seen as only a 'sex-toy', unicorns are rare for a reason.

This would definitely be a concern for me. I would hate to be left out, or leave someone out as well.

Is there a pecking order? or is it a three equal part relationship.

what kind of rules are there? I suppose that depends on the parties involved.

what type of person is this relationship not good for?
Random thoughts, I know. Can you tell I know nothing?
just curious.
xxo

 

[bigwoody8]

What are the new words?

 

[LostGirlTink]

Good luck on your journey Tink!! It gives me great confidence that you are approaching it as a chance to learn and hopefully grow. Often, IMO we rush into things that are fun and new without spending enough time reflecting on how we are changing as a person. Remember that love is not a zero sum but something that can be spread throughout the world infinitely. Also, be mindful of your own feelings and make sure you are not taking a back seat or seen as only a 'sex-toy', unicorns are rare for a reason.

The other threads have some really good advice and I'm sure you will get more from the lovely playground people. Trying not to be too creepy about it... but I'm excited to see where your path leads. Please feel free to reach out with any specific questions or even just to tell me to quit post stalking you.

-Navy

Thank you Navy.
The part I bolded is the part that I think is so super important and that I am really learning to wrap my head around.
There are so many things to both think about and I'm finding that just by letting go of some of the things I have just always held as "truths" has made this much easier.
https://i.pinimg.com/236x/39/42/6c/39426c4e7e6d6699873553c77be4b63c--remember-this-something-to-remember.jpg
I'm also a huge fan of the open and honest part.
That's always been a key component for me. Being in a relationship where everything is fair discussion, is really refreshing and rewarding.

 

[LostGirlTink]

This would definitely be a concern for me. I would hate to be left out, or leave someone out as well.

Is there a pecking order? or is it a three equal part relationship.

what kind of rules are there? I suppose that depends on the parties involved.

what type of person is this relationship not good for?
Random thoughts, I know. Can you tell I know nothing?
just curious.
xxo

I'm not an expert by far.
I think rules are relationship specific.
YMMV.
I have discovered that for ME it's important that my relationship be important and that I'm not in the backseat... and that she isn't either. Equal but different?
I feel bad if I feel like he's not spending enough time with her too..which makes it awkward because I also want all his time because I'm a spoiled girl. I just don't want it to be because of me that someone else's needs aren't being met either. It's all very complicated. But I'm trying.
She and I are getting to know each other because I think it'll be important that we can be friends or at the very least friendly.

What are the new words?

Polycule
Triad
Intimate Network
V relationships
Metamour
Couple privilege , there was a really good article about this I should see if I can find to share.

 

[tolyk]

This would definitely be a concern for me. I would hate to be left out, or leave someone out as well.

Is there a pecking order? or is it a three equal part relationship.

what kind of rules are there? I suppose that depends on the parties involved.

what type of person is this relationship not good for?
Random thoughts, I know. Can you tell I know nothing?
just curious.
xxo

In some poly relationships, yes. Primary, secondary come into play. That's what the typical triad relationship is.

That's not what I'm hoping for from this though. I'm trying to find the balance of being a good husband, boyfriend, and father. Along with full time work, and creative pursuits... It is complicated, and takes work. Also takes a lot of communication, from all parties involved. None of it works without communication.

 

[navytime09]

This would definitely be a concern for me. I would hate to be left out, or leave someone out as well.

Is there a pecking order? or is it a three equal part relationship.

what kind of rules are there? I suppose that depends on the parties involved.

what type of person is this relationship not good for?
Random thoughts, I know. Can you tell I know nothing?
just curious.
xxo

Every relationship is different regardless of the number of individuals involved and the rules are going to be just as diverse. What works for some will not work for all.

Triads are a mutual relationship between three people where, in most cases all three relationships are equal (A is dating B, B is dating C, and C is dating A).

As far as a 'type' of person, I would say with some confidence that jealous people will have a hard time as well as people who struggle to clearly communicate their feelings. Also anyone entering into a relationship with others who is only thinking about the sex(unless that is going to be their defined role to play), it is so much more than that. This is stolen from someone else but 'there are emotions you have to be ready to deal with that you never have thought about in a monogamous relationship.'

 

[LostGirlTink]

I should state for transparency sake that Tol's wife and I are not an item.
Though we are working on creating a nice friendship.

 

[tolyk]

I should state for transparency sake that Tol's wife and I are not an item.
Though we are working on creating a nice friendship.

That's right. My marriage is an open marriage and I am poly. She is free to date, sleep with, or love others as well.

 

[AlwaysFara]

This would definitely be a concern for me. I would hate to be left out, or leave someone out as well.

Is there a pecking order? or is it a three equal part relationship.

what kind of rules are there? I suppose that depends on the parties involved.

what type of person is this relationship not good for?
Random thoughts, I know. Can you tell I know nothing?
just curious.
xxo

Not good for me. I’m one of those people that it wild not work for.
I see a close family member in a poly relationship, and have known others.
My family member claims to be happy, but a lot gets left out, like other family members that they have no time for anymore because they are so busy juggling all their poly relationships.
The other friends I know seem to be poly “by default”, meaning, she/he cannot have the relationship she wants with the individual she really loves. Because that person is taken. So, she agrees to this relationship so she can have the person she loves in some capacity.

I think it takes a lot of patience. Communication. Work!!! Like any relationship.
But it also requires a distinct lack of jealousy and insecurity... and I’m a jealous crazy bitch!

I hope it works out well, Tink. I just want you to be happy. You are one of the sweetest people I have met here, and you deserve whatever you want.

 

[LostGirlTink]

Not good for me. I’m one of those people that it wild not work for.
I see a close family member in a poly relationship, and have known others.
My family member claims to be happy, but a lot gets left out, like other family members that they have no time for anymore because they are so busy juggling all their poly relationships.
The other friends I know seem to be poly “by default”, meaning, she/he cannot have the relationship she wants with the individual she really loves. Because that person is taken. So, she agrees to this relationship so she can have the person she loves in some capacity.

I think it takes a lot of patience. Communication. Work!!! Like any relationship.
But it also requires a distinct lack of jealousy and insecurity... and I’m a jealous crazy bitch!

I hope it works out well, Tink. I just want you to be happy. You are one of the sweetest people I have met here, and you deserve whatever you want.

Gonna specifically respond to the bolded parts.
The first part... that's a risk of course. Because of course that could be why I'm ok with this. I don't think so though, because I knew early on that this was the situation. Of course, I didn't expect to catch feelings either... So I don't know. Time will tell.

The second. I can also be a crazy bitch and I'm not great at sharing.
This has taken a bit of an adjustment to my thought process.

I you gorgeous girl.

 

[Kat73]

It's hard work. But for me, worth it. I am the one in the middle. Married, but also in a long term, long distance relationship with DS. It's not common knowledge outside of a few close friends and of course everyone here. That makes it difficult sometimes too. Some days I want to say fuck it and just let it be known, but at this point, I am not ready to deal with the backlash and drama that would ensue.

I will add more as I think about it...

 

[tolyk]

It's hard work. But for me, worth it. I am the one in the middle. Married, but also in a long term, long distance relationship with DS. It's not common knowledge outside of a few close friends and of course everyone here. That makes it difficult sometimes too. Some days I want to say fuck it and just let it be known, but at this point, I am not ready to deal with the backlash and drama that would ensue.

I will add more as I think about it...

Kat, I've known you around the boards for a long time. We've only really talked in passing, but would it be alright to have a chat some time?

One general question for you, does your husband date also?

 

[AlwaysFara]

It's hard work. But for me, worth it. I am the one in the middle. Married, but also in a long term, long distance relationship with DS. It's not common knowledge outside of a few close friends and of course everyone here. That makes it difficult sometimes too. Some days I want to say fuck it and just let it be known, but at this point, I am not ready to deal with the backlash and drama that would ensue.

I will add more as I think about it...

Yeah, that’s another thing. There is still a stigma in society, especially if there are kids involved.
I know for a fact that my family member’s parents will NEVER know. Which makes holidays tough for the poly relationships.

 

[Kat73]

Kat, I've known you around the boards for a long time. We've only really talked in passing, but would it be alright to have a chat some time?

One general question for you, does your husband date also?

Message me anytime!!

My husband and I have an open marriage. As long as we don't have secrets and let the other one know when we are talking to or getting close to someone else, there are not issues. He has been with several other women with me, and has had other relationships as well. I encourage it because for the most part, I enjoy when he is with someone else.

 

[tolyk]

Message me anytime!!

My husband and I have an open marriage. As long as we don't have secrets and let the other one know when we are talking to or getting close to someone else, there are not issues. He has been with several other women with me, and has had other relationships as well. I encourage it because for the most part, I enjoy when he is with someone else.

Excellent, I'll be in touch soon

I am the same, I enjoy the thought of her being with someone else, it hasn't happened yet for her, on a physical level. But I like hearing about the people she's talking to.

 

[curvyangel1969]

I like the concept. That love is infinite and we can include others, but like Fara, I'm a jealous crazy bitch and dont think I could handle sharing.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I like the concept. That love is infinite and we can include others, but like Fara, I'm a jealous crazy bitch and dont think I could handle sharing.

I also just want to love the way I want. BE loved how I am. I like being one on one.
To each her own.

 

[SassySheDevil]

Many years ago, my husband and I had another guy living with us. It never was really planned to turn into an almost every weekend 'share sassy' kind of thing. But it did. My husband has never declared himself bi. Neither of us like titles for that matter. But it was more about sharing me for my pleasure. Eventually, I did love them both. There were nights we slept in the same bed, (but I got claustrophobic being in the middle) we'd cook dinner, joke around, have fun and I thought "I could get used to this" My husband has never been the jealous type. He was never insecure. If I look back on it now, I think a lot of why he did it was because on some level, he knew I needed more. In the end, he admitted he liked watching also. But eventually, the other guy fell in love with me and wanted me for himself. Something we'd talked heavily about being a big 'not gonna happen' before even going into it.
One night after an angry rage of trying to bust our bedroom door down and telling me to come with him, or he was leaving.. (He was gone that night) That ended.

But it taught me a lot about sharing and loving more than one person. Because I am that jealous bitch type. I know it's possible with the right person/couple. It takes a lot of security, communication, an honesty. I think if I was to try it now, I'd rather try it with another woman though. Funny as that sounds, because of my jealousy. But I am learning a lot about how the right people don't make you jealous. They are open and honest. Trust is huge.

Going to NY to meet Fara was a big reminder of what I missed with other females.

(Disclaimer for the pervs... WE did not fuck)

Just laying in bed cuddling with her and talking, was better for my soul then weeks of therapy.

 

[navytime09]

Many years ago, my husband and I had another guy living with us. It never was really planned to turn into an almost every weekend 'share sassy' kind of thing. But it did. My husband has never declared himself bi. Neither of us like titles for that matter. But it was more about sharing me for my pleasure. Eventually, I did love them both. There were nights we slept in the same bed, (but I got claustrophobic being in the middle) we'd cook dinner, joke around, have fun and I thought "I could get used to this" My husband has never been the jealous type. He was never insecure. If I look back on it now, I think a lot of why he did it was because on some level, he knew I needed more. In the end, he admitted he liked watching also. But eventually, the other guy fell in love with me and wanted me for himself. Something we'd talked heavily about being a big 'not gonna happen' before even going into it.
One night after an angry rage of trying to bust our bedroom door down and telling me to come with him, or he was leaving.. (He was gone that night) That ended.

But it taught me a lot about sharing and loving more than one person. Because I am that jealous bitch type. I know it's possible with the right person/couple. It takes a lot of security, communication, an honesty. I think if I was to try it now, I'd rather try it with another woman though. Funny as that sounds, because of my jealousy. But I am learning a lot about how the right people don't make you jealous. They are open and honest. Trust is huge.

Going to NY to meet Fara was a big reminder of what I missed with other females.

(Disclaimer for the pervs... WE did not fuck)

Just laying in bed cuddling with her and talking, was better for my soul then weeks of therapy.

Thank you SSD for sharing your story and I'm sorry it ended that way for you. Part of me says it would be nice to remove the emotion from the equation and make it only about sex but then it wouldn't be something special. At least for the wife and I it's a lot more than sex. The emotions and feelings are IMO just as important. IDK, it is kind of hard to explain.....

Looking back over the years at our experiences and I can easily see how a few different decisions could have led us down a darker path and I am so thankful, for the most part we have arrived better than when we started. It's also funny how little decisions here and there along the way led to such a major lifestyle change.

 

[DarkSimian]

I suppose I should chime in here too. I'm the LD third person in a poly relationship. That in and of its self makes things harder, because I can't be there for weekends, holidays, etc. But we make it work; I see Kat as much as possible. And we are a part of each others daily routine; I talk to Kat more than any other person. And I think that is the biggest part of WHY it works; we talk. About life, love, movies, music, food, stupid stuff. Kat is always there for me, and I am there for her. Even without the physical (which we both enjoy), the romantic (which we also enjoy), there is that connection. She is my best friend, my companion, my partner, my love, my heart.

 

[DarkSimian]

<snip>
(Disclaimer for the pervs... WE did not fuck)

Also, dammit

 

[BadAmy]

Many years ago, my husband and I had another guy living with us. It never was really planned to turn into an almost every weekend 'share sassy' kind of thing. But it did. My husband has never declared himself bi. Neither of us like titles for that matter. But it was more about sharing me for my pleasure. Eventually, I did love them both. There were nights we slept in the same bed, (but I got claustrophobic being in the middle) we'd cook dinner, joke around, have fun and I thought "I could get used to this" My husband has never been the jealous type. He was never insecure. If I look back on it now, I think a lot of why he did it was because on some level, he knew I needed more. In the end, he admitted he liked watching also. But eventually, the other guy fell in love with me and wanted me for himself. Something we'd talked heavily about being a big 'not gonna happen' before even going into it.
One night after an angry rage of trying to bust our bedroom door down and telling me to come with him, or he was leaving.. (He was gone that night) That ended.

But it taught me a lot about sharing and loving more than one person. Because I am that jealous bitch type. I know it's possible with the right person/couple. It takes a lot of security, communication, an honesty. I think if I was to try it now, I'd rather try it with another woman though. Funny as that sounds, because of my jealousy. But I am learning a lot about how the right people don't make you jealous. They are open and honest. Trust is huge.

Going to NY to meet Fara was a big reminder of what I missed with other females.

(Disclaimer for the pervs... WE did not fuck)

Just laying in bed cuddling with her and talking, was better for my soul then weeks of therapy.

I was so happy to have me you two that weekend. seriously, best GF weekend ever.