P
PrettyLilPussy
Guest
Such great insightful answers everyone! I'm enjoying everyone's thoughts. Lots of unique POVs. 
Jada59
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2017
- Posts
- 23,941
Do -
Arouse me
Push my limits
Communicate with me
Do Not -
Humiliate
Dredge up the past
Try to force me to do something you know I don't want
gracie920101
Lurker 2.0
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2016
- Posts
- 6,480
Do:
Push me.
Check in.
Remember aftercare varies a little each time and massaging hardworked muscles is always welcome.
Always pee soon afterwards to avoid bladder issues, girls. (Had to learn that the hard way!)
Don't:
Try to push past my hard limits just because they're not your hard limits.
Assume things are great.
Forget extra lube! Aging is hard on delicate parts.
Stop just because the cat stuck his nose on your ass.
Push me.
Check in.
Remember aftercare varies a little each time and massaging hardworked muscles is always welcome.
Always pee soon afterwards to avoid bladder issues, girls. (Had to learn that the hard way!)
Don't:
Try to push past my hard limits just because they're not your hard limits.
Assume things are great.
Forget extra lube! Aging is hard on delicate parts.
Stop just because the cat stuck his nose on your ass.
midwestyankee
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 4, 2003
- Posts
- 32,076
Exactly. In the early days my Inner Engineer teamed up with my Outer Teacher to create detailed and elaborate session plans. I would get disappointed if something got in the way of finishing the plan (see: surprises, expect them). That Inner Engineer can be really inventive, but he would just get too ambitious. I got him quieted down eventually.
Hunh. Okay, well personally I don't know that anything I have to say is even mildly interesting compared to some of the ones I don't see having posted anything yet. But, I'll play along. If nothing else, maybe my .02 will draw out some of the more interesting ones from the rafters to strut their starstuff.
So, the thing is, for me, there are actually factors that are rightfully discouraged from being shared in an open forum. All I will say here about those is that I have my own personal reasons for having issues regarding age constraints and consent and such. But, being an odd combination of jock and nerd, and driven by those factors such as almost hysterical phobic fascination, I spent what turned out to be an inordinate amount of time studying texts on sex and sexuality while my cohort was still sneaking peeks at their dad's pin-up collection. And spending time and energy devoted to developing... well, for lack of a better term, an exercise regimen fully intended to make myself better at the various aspects I was uncovering in my readings. (shrug) A trifle embarrassing, but true.
(For the more prurient minded, I'll just state that among other things, I not only learned to tie maraschino cherry stems in triple knots, but I began "chewing" my food by pressing it with my tongue against the insides of my teeth and roof of my mouth to enhance my tongue strength and endurance.)
While attending college later, I actually invested no little time and money following a course of study that involved three college classes in sexuality in three disparate disciplines. (And I will neither confirm nor deny whether there might or might not have been labs available with some study partners.
)
I eventually figured out that I as a licensed family counselor with a sex therapist specialization was a lot like handing a three-year-old a loaded flare gun. You aren't sure just what exactly will happen, but you do know it will make the papers.
Probably a good call on my part since I ended up a few years later sitting on the other side of the chair/couch dynamic working through just what the hell I needed to do to keep from letting sex destroy yet another career and relationship. (I will say I went to exactly one derivation of a twelve-step group meeting for sex addicts before figuring out that me there was an even damn dumber idea than me as a sex therapist!)
(And, yes Virginia. As a matter of fact, sometimes... just sometimes... those stories of people fucking at their desks or on their desks or in a warehouse or whatever are actually true. [Although in my experiences, it didn't typically work into a wild threesome, foursome, or moresome when caught. Err, usually.])
Any road, I wandered a little far afield there. But, my (as usual) long-winded point (as much as I ever have one) is that in answer to "How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc." as well as the later "How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier?" for me it was a combination of studies, both classroom and independent, and a whole lot of "life experience," which in my case was usually a way to say "Ow! Fuck! Don't do that again, idiot!" And I'm not really sure it was possible for my education to have started any earlier. Although I did spend lots of time ironing out fallacies that had crept in with those early lessons.
But, I've more or less defined BDSM as well as most "kinks" as a feedback loop if it is to be at all healthy. In other words, I feel (again, for me personally) that I almost have to be guided just as much by the needs and desires of my submissive as she wishes to surrender to and be guided by mine.
And wow... is anyone even still reading this happy horseshit? Well, any road, for whatever it's worth, here's my personal list of threes that was requested.
DON'T
1) Don't assume anything. Check all assumptions. In fact, check them at the fucking door. This isn't the last lover to deliver themselves into your hands or the one before that. Each experience is a new opportunity to learn about someone new who, despite similarities, is a completely new and vital person in their own right to learn and learn how to enjoy. And even the same lover will have different needs from time to time.
2) Don't forget to clear out the guts and bladder fully and completely. While I can handle "blooding my sword" if she happens to be in her menses, shit, piss, and puke is gonna give me the technicolor yawns. And three and four hours of bouncing on someone's guts and/bladder with hardly a break... well, shit happens.
3) Don't forget to stock some orange juice or other fruit juice since some that don't know that it is possible for her to temporarily lose her vision after too many orgasms too close together can freak out a little bit the first time it happens to them. And how many is too many seems to vary since one lover I would struggle to push through six while another hit twenty-three before it happened. *shrug* But, fruit juice, or Coca-cola in a pinch, will get them past the temporary sight loss faster if they're panicky.
DO
1) Do remember that each person is neither a number nor a statistic nor a bump on a graph. Even a self-identified "Pain Slut" is going to have a variance of just how much pain is required, how much enjoyed, and how much is too much of a good thing from another self-styled "Pain Slut" from your past. (And yes, I know you're "a tough chick" and "can take it." But, I also know that I've pulled off doorknobs when my attention wandered, so...)
2) Do stick to masturbation if that is the only way you can be completely sure you are taking into account everyone's issues and desires involved.
3) Do plan on sticking around for hugs, cuddles, foot rubs and whatever else she needs to find her way back to normal. Budget the time for it. It's a trust thing. And if she can't trust you to put her back together, then she's probably not going to trust you enough to allow you to broach her soul along with her sweet physical treasures again.
You know, reading back over this, I don't know that there is all that much point in my hitting "Submit Reply" since... Well, I don't know. To me, it all just seems like common sense stuff, right up there with consent and communication. Perhaps even just trying to restate those very adages. I don't know.
I don't know. I'm not even really sure I qualify as a Dominant in most people's eyes since a) I personally don't feel any need to claim the title verbally since I tend to be more of a walk instead of talk personality and b) I tend to derive most of my pleasure in my partner's submission more from her pleasure and glory in her own submission than just establishing myself as the dominant. I mean, okay. So, perhaps I could overwhelm her and make her submit. I'm not only typically stronger, faster, and meaner, but I've also got a whole plethora more of experience and dirty tricks. But, for me, it's a lot more fun to find that she actively wants to surrender to me specifically than because I know how to read her mind and soul. I mean, isn't doing that just another way to say playing her?
But, eh. Maybe somebody smarter than me will come along to clean up what I fucked up. And maybe teach this old dog a few new tricks while they're at it.
So, the thing is, for me, there are actually factors that are rightfully discouraged from being shared in an open forum. All I will say here about those is that I have my own personal reasons for having issues regarding age constraints and consent and such. But, being an odd combination of jock and nerd, and driven by those factors such as almost hysterical phobic fascination, I spent what turned out to be an inordinate amount of time studying texts on sex and sexuality while my cohort was still sneaking peeks at their dad's pin-up collection. And spending time and energy devoted to developing... well, for lack of a better term, an exercise regimen fully intended to make myself better at the various aspects I was uncovering in my readings. (shrug) A trifle embarrassing, but true.
(For the more prurient minded, I'll just state that among other things, I not only learned to tie maraschino cherry stems in triple knots, but I began "chewing" my food by pressing it with my tongue against the insides of my teeth and roof of my mouth to enhance my tongue strength and endurance.)
While attending college later, I actually invested no little time and money following a course of study that involved three college classes in sexuality in three disparate disciplines. (And I will neither confirm nor deny whether there might or might not have been labs available with some study partners.
)I eventually figured out that I as a licensed family counselor with a sex therapist specialization was a lot like handing a three-year-old a loaded flare gun. You aren't sure just what exactly will happen, but you do know it will make the papers.
Probably a good call on my part since I ended up a few years later sitting on the other side of the chair/couch dynamic working through just what the hell I needed to do to keep from letting sex destroy yet another career and relationship. (I will say I went to exactly one derivation of a twelve-step group meeting for sex addicts before figuring out that me there was an even damn dumber idea than me as a sex therapist!)
(And, yes Virginia. As a matter of fact, sometimes... just sometimes... those stories of people fucking at their desks or on their desks or in a warehouse or whatever are actually true.
[Although in my experiences, it didn't typically work into a wild threesome, foursome, or moresome when caught. Err, usually.])Any road, I wandered a little far afield there. But, my (as usual) long-winded point (as much as I ever have one) is that in answer to "How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc." as well as the later "How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier?" for me it was a combination of studies, both classroom and independent, and a whole lot of "life experience," which in my case was usually a way to say "Ow! Fuck! Don't do that again, idiot!" And I'm not really sure it was possible for my education to have started any earlier. Although I did spend lots of time ironing out fallacies that had crept in with those early lessons.
But, I've more or less defined BDSM as well as most "kinks" as a feedback loop if it is to be at all healthy. In other words, I feel (again, for me personally) that I almost have to be guided just as much by the needs and desires of my submissive as she wishes to surrender to and be guided by mine.
And wow... is anyone even still reading this happy horseshit? Well, any road, for whatever it's worth, here's my personal list of threes that was requested.
DON'T
1) Don't assume anything. Check all assumptions. In fact, check them at the fucking door. This isn't the last lover to deliver themselves into your hands or the one before that. Each experience is a new opportunity to learn about someone new who, despite similarities, is a completely new and vital person in their own right to learn and learn how to enjoy. And even the same lover will have different needs from time to time.
2) Don't forget to clear out the guts and bladder fully and completely. While I can handle "blooding my sword" if she happens to be in her menses, shit, piss, and puke is gonna give me the technicolor yawns. And three and four hours of bouncing on someone's guts and/bladder with hardly a break... well, shit happens.
3) Don't forget to stock some orange juice or other fruit juice since some that don't know that it is possible for her to temporarily lose her vision after too many orgasms too close together can freak out a little bit the first time it happens to them. And how many is too many seems to vary since one lover I would struggle to push through six while another hit twenty-three before it happened. *shrug* But, fruit juice, or Coca-cola in a pinch, will get them past the temporary sight loss faster if they're panicky.
DO
1) Do remember that each person is neither a number nor a statistic nor a bump on a graph. Even a self-identified "Pain Slut" is going to have a variance of just how much pain is required, how much enjoyed, and how much is too much of a good thing from another self-styled "Pain Slut" from your past. (And yes, I know you're "a tough chick" and "can take it." But, I also know that I've pulled off doorknobs when my attention wandered, so...)
2) Do stick to masturbation if that is the only way you can be completely sure you are taking into account everyone's issues and desires involved.
3) Do plan on sticking around for hugs, cuddles, foot rubs and whatever else she needs to find her way back to normal. Budget the time for it. It's a trust thing. And if she can't trust you to put her back together, then she's probably not going to trust you enough to allow you to broach her soul along with her sweet physical treasures again.
You know, reading back over this, I don't know that there is all that much point in my hitting "Submit Reply" since... Well, I don't know. To me, it all just seems like common sense stuff, right up there with consent and communication. Perhaps even just trying to restate those very adages. I don't know.
I don't know. I'm not even really sure I qualify as a Dominant in most people's eyes since a) I personally don't feel any need to claim the title verbally since I tend to be more of a walk instead of talk personality and b) I tend to derive most of my pleasure in my partner's submission more from her pleasure and glory in her own submission than just establishing myself as the dominant. I mean, okay. So, perhaps I could overwhelm her and make her submit. I'm not only typically stronger, faster, and meaner, but I've also got a whole plethora more of experience and dirty tricks. But, for me, it's a lot more fun to find that she actively wants to surrender to me specifically than because I know how to read her mind and soul. I mean, isn't doing that just another way to say playing her?
But, eh. Maybe somebody smarter than me will come along to clean up what I fucked up. And maybe teach this old dog a few new tricks while they're at it.
P
PrettyLilPussy
Guest
I'm glad you did hit "submit reply". I found everything you said interesting, bordering on intriguing. And I always love when legitimately good advice is sandwiched between phrases like "technicolor yawns'.
Thank you!
P
PrettyLilPussy
Guest
Thursday Question:
What are your top 3 Do's and Don'ts of kink?
How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc.
Do -
1. Be open minded - My whole interest in bdsm started with an open minded conversation. I try to keep an "At Least Try It/Mention It!" mentality. There are things that I would have written off as a NO until I had a conversation about it. And there are things I thought would surely me TOO WEIRD only to have found someone who totally filled that niche! (har har)
2. Give 100% - One of the best 'sexual' compliments I ever received was someone telling me I gave myself completely to my partner. It really stuck with me because (I thought) doesn't everyone do that? Apparently not, but it's something I enjoy doing and one of the things that keeps me picky. You have to deserve/earn ALL of me.
3. Keep Learning - The few people that actually know me well know I'm curious bordering on nosy. But you'll never know if you don't ask! I do and often.
Do Not -
1. Compare Myself - Trying to fit into an idealized version of what I should be will only leave me more insecure and unsatisfied. I'm fully aware I'm not everyone's cup of tea. Remembering that "I am just me" and some people like my weird brand of silly and sexy helps a lot!
2. Forget to Communicate - Especially before an after - also during - but the 'next day recap' has been tremendously valuable. What did you like? Why? What didn't you like? Why? I'm a talker and gravitate towards people who will give me open and honest talk.
3. Settle for No Aftercare - All the other stuff is great but this is what makes it worth it. Yes, I want all the degrading names as long as you remind me I'm more that that afterwards. Yes, I want marks in the shapes of your fingers on my ass as long as you kiss it afterwards. And yes!, I want you to ruin me until I'm a quivering puddle, but if you can't scoop me up afterwards and put me in a hot bath... no thank you. (Graphic much? Sorry.)
Do these include your limits? How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier? This doesn't really include my limits which are pretty basic. I've learned the little I do know from discussion, reading, playing, and, ya know, thinking about it! This is a side of myself I wish I had known A LONG time ago, as I think it probably would have changed several major things about my life.
I'm not sure I have a 'style' other than curious and eager but my small experience has taught me to build strategic bridges and walls between myself and others. That has been the harder but more valuable lesson.
Ok, I'm rambling. Insomnia will do that to a person lol.
Thanks again to all those participating!
plp
What are your top 3 Do's and Don'ts of kink?
How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc.
Do -
1. Be open minded - My whole interest in bdsm started with an open minded conversation. I try to keep an "At Least Try It/Mention It!" mentality. There are things that I would have written off as a NO until I had a conversation about it. And there are things I thought would surely me TOO WEIRD only to have found someone who totally filled that niche! (har har
)2. Give 100% - One of the best 'sexual' compliments I ever received was someone telling me I gave myself completely to my partner. It really stuck with me because (I thought) doesn't everyone do that? Apparently not, but it's something I enjoy doing and one of the things that keeps me picky. You have to deserve/earn ALL of me.
3. Keep Learning - The few people that actually know me well know I'm curious bordering on nosy. But you'll never know if you don't ask! I do and often.
Do Not -
1. Compare Myself - Trying to fit into an idealized version of what I should be will only leave me more insecure and unsatisfied. I'm fully aware I'm not everyone's cup of tea. Remembering that "I am just me" and some people like my weird brand of silly and sexy helps a lot!
2. Forget to Communicate - Especially before an after - also during - but the 'next day recap' has been tremendously valuable. What did you like? Why? What didn't you like? Why? I'm a talker and gravitate towards people who will give me open and honest talk.
3. Settle for No Aftercare - All the other stuff is great but this is what makes it worth it. Yes, I want all the degrading names as long as you remind me I'm more that that afterwards. Yes, I want marks in the shapes of your fingers on my ass as long as you kiss it afterwards. And yes!, I want you to ruin me until I'm a quivering puddle, but if you can't scoop me up afterwards and put me in a hot bath... no thank you. (Graphic much? Sorry.)
Do these include your limits? How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier? This doesn't really include my limits which are pretty basic. I've learned the little I do know from discussion, reading, playing, and, ya know, thinking about it! This is a side of myself I wish I had known A LONG time ago, as I think it probably would have changed several major things about my life.
I'm not sure I have a 'style' other than curious and eager but my small experience has taught me to build strategic bridges and walls between myself and others. That has been the harder but more valuable lesson.
Ok, I'm rambling. Insomnia will do that to a person lol.
Thanks again to all those participating!
plp
F
Farawyn
Guest
Hunh. Okay, well personally I don't know that anything I have to say is even mildly interesting compared to some of the ones I don't see having posted anything yet. But, I'll play along. If nothing else, maybe my .02 will draw out some of the more interesting ones from the rafters to strut their starstuff.
So, the thing is, for me, there are actually factors that are rightfully discouraged from being shared in an open forum. All I will say here about those is that I have my own personal reasons for having issues regarding age constraints and consent and such. But, being an odd combination of jock and nerd, and driven by those factors such as almost hysterical phobic fascination, I spent what turned out to be an inordinate amount of time studying texts on sex and sexuality while my cohort was still sneaking peeks at their dad's pin-up collection. And spending time and energy devoted to developing... well, for lack of a better term, an exercise regimen fully intended to make myself better at the various aspects I was uncovering in my readings. (shrug) A trifle embarrassing, but true.
(For the more prurient minded, I'll just state that among other things, I not only learned to tie maraschino cherry stems in triple knots, but I began "chewing" my food by pressing it with my tongue against the insides of my teeth and roof of my mouth to enhance my tongue strength and endurance.)
While attending college later, I actually invested no little time and money following a course of study that involved three college classes in sexuality in three disparate disciplines. (And I will neither confirm nor deny whether there might or might not have been labs available with some study partners.
I eventually figured out that I as a licensed family counselor with a sex therapist specialization was a lot like handing a three-year-old a loaded flare gun. You aren't sure just what exactly will happen, but you do know it will make the papers.
Probably a good call on my part since I ended up a few years later sitting on the other side of the chair/couch dynamic working through just what the hell I needed to do to keep from letting sex destroy yet another career and relationship. (I will say I went to exactly one derivation of a twelve-step group meeting for sex addicts before figuring out that me there was an even damn dumber idea than me as a sex therapist!)
(And, yes Virginia. As a matter of fact, sometimes... just sometimes... those stories of people fucking at their desks or on their desks or in a warehouse or whatever are actually true.
Any road, I wandered a little far afield there. But, my (as usual) long-winded point (as much as I ever have one) is that in answer to "How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc." as well as the later "How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier?" for me it was a combination of studies, both classroom and independent, and a whole lot of "life experience," which in my case was usually a way to say "Ow! Fuck! Don't do that again, idiot!" And I'm not really sure it was possible for my education to have started any earlier. Although I did spend lots of time ironing out fallacies that had crept in with those early lessons.
But, I've more or less defined BDSM as well as most "kinks" as a feedback loop if it is to be at all healthy. In other words, I feel (again, for me personally) that I almost have to be guided just as much by the needs and desires of my submissive as she wishes to surrender to and be guided by mine.
And wow... is anyone even still reading this happy horseshit? Well, any road, for whatever it's worth, here's my personal list of threes that was requested.
DON'T
1) Don't assume anything. Check all assumptions. In fact, check them at the fucking door. This isn't the last lover to deliver themselves into your hands or the one before that. Each experience is a new opportunity to learn about someone new who, despite similarities, is a completely new and vital person in their own right to learn and learn how to enjoy. And even the same lover will have different needs from time to time.
2) Don't forget to clear out the guts and bladder fully and completely. While I can handle "blooding my sword" if she happens to be in her menses, shit, piss, and puke is gonna give me the technicolor yawns. And three and four hours of bouncing on someone's guts and/bladder with hardly a break... well, shit happens.
3) Don't forget to stock some orange juice or other fruit juice since some that don't know that it is possible for her to temporarily lose her vision after too many orgasms too close together can freak out a little bit the first time it happens to them. And how many is too many seems to vary since one lover I would struggle to push through six while another hit twenty-three before it happened. *shrug* But, fruit juice, or Coca-cola in a pinch, will get them past the temporary sight loss faster if they're panicky.
DO
1) Do remember that each person is neither a number nor a statistic nor a bump on a graph. Even a self-identified "Pain Slut" is going to have a variance of just how much pain is required, how much enjoyed, and how much is too much of a good thing from another self-styled "Pain Slut" from your past. (And yes, I know you're "a tough chick" and "can take it." But, I also know that I've pulled off doorknobs when my attention wandered, so...)
2) Do stick to masturbation if that is the only way you can be completely sure you are taking into account everyone's issues and desires involved.
3) Do plan on sticking around for hugs, cuddles, foot rubs and whatever else she needs to find her way back to normal. Budget the time for it. It's a trust thing. And if she can't trust you to put her back together, then she's probably not going to trust you enough to allow you to broach her soul along with her sweet physical treasures again.
You know, reading back over this, I don't know that there is all that much point in my hitting "Submit Reply" since... Well, I don't know. To me, it all just seems like common sense stuff, right up there with consent and communication. Perhaps even just trying to restate those very adages. I don't know.
I don't know. I'm not even really sure I qualify as a Dominant in most people's eyes since a) I personally don't feel any need to claim the title verbally since I tend to be more of a walk instead of talk personality and b) I tend to derive most of my pleasure in my partner's submission more from her pleasure and glory in her own submission than just establishing myself as the dominant. I mean, okay. So, perhaps I could overwhelm her and make her submit. I'm not only typically stronger, faster, and meaner, but I've also got a whole plethora more of experience and dirty tricks. But, for me, it's a lot more fun to find that she actively wants to surrender to me specifically than because I know how to read her mind and soul. I mean, isn't doing that just another way to say playing her?
But, eh. Maybe somebody smarter than me will come along to clean up what I fucked up. And maybe teach this old dog a few new tricks while they're at it.
My guy doesn’t think of himself as my Dom. He’s my BF, but of course, we have that aspect, we met here, in this very forum.
He gives and gives. Of his body, heart and mind. Which is why I submit. Wholly.
As for the rest, thank you. Keep posting.
F
Farawyn
Guest
Thursday Question:
What are your top 3 Do's and Don'ts of kink?
How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc.
Do -
1. Be open minded - My whole interest in bdsm started with an open minded conversation. I try to keep an "At Least Try It/Mention It!" mentality. There are things that I would have written off as a NO until I had a conversation about it. And there are things I thought would surely me TOO WEIRD only to have found someone who totally filled that niche! (har har
2. Give 100% - One of the best 'sexual' compliments I ever received was someone telling me I gave myself completely to my partner. It really stuck with me because (I thought) doesn't everyone do that? Apparently not, but it's something I enjoy doing and one of the things that keeps me picky. You have to deserve/earn ALL of me.
3. Keep Learning - The few people that actually know me well know I'm curious bordering on nosy. But you'll never know if you don't ask! I do and often.
Do Not -
1. Compare Myself - Trying to fit into an idealized version of what I should be will only leave me more insecure and unsatisfied. I'm fully aware I'm not everyone's cup of tea. Remembering that "I am just me" and some people like my weird brand of silly and sexy helps a lot!
2. Forget to Communicate - Especially before an after - also during - but the 'next day recap' has been tremendously valuable. What did you like? Why? What didn't you like? Why? I'm a talker and gravitate towards people who will give me open and honest talk.
3. Settle for No Aftercare - All the other stuff is great but this is what makes it worth it. Yes, I want all the degrading names as long as you remind me I'm more that that afterwards. Yes, I want marks in the shapes of your fingers on my ass as long as you kiss it afterwards. And yes!, I want you to ruin me until I'm a quivering puddle, but if you can't scoop me up afterwards and put me in a hot bath... no thank you. (Graphic much? Sorry.)
Do these include your limits? How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier? This doesn't really include my limits which are pretty basic. I've learned the little I do know from discussion, reading, playing, and, ya know, thinking about it! This is a side of myself I wish I had known A LONG time ago, as I think it probably would have changed several major things about my life.
I'm not sure I have a 'style' other than curious and eager but my small experience has taught me to build strategic bridges and walls between myself and others. That has been the harder but more valuable lesson.
Ok, I'm rambling. Insomnia will do that to a person lol.
Thanks again to all those participating!
I used to compare myself, too. Horrible waste of time if you are with someone who wants YOU. I’m glad you mentioned this, I think it plagues many of us.
A
Angedesoleil
Guest
Jesus Puck... you are a riot. I'm headed back HERE tomorrow when I have the computer to do more than tap type. Thank you for this thread ♡
ultramarineblue
Indefinable
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2008
- Posts
- 3,860
I really agree with this. It's kind of a trust thing in a way to me. If he isn't willing to show all aspects of himself, can I really trust him? Also, I wear myself out doing things for others. I don't often admit it but I like to be pampered and treated. It makes me feel special.
I struggle with comparing myself. It isn't so much to others but an idea of what I think I'm supposed to be.
midwestyankee
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 4, 2003
- Posts
- 32,076
When I read this, I was immediately reminded of Cutiemouse, for it was almost a mantra with her to say that kinky relationships are relationships first and kinky second. It’s still a relationship and the partners have to live by the immutable lakes of relationships (i.e., be honest, communicate, etc.) regardless of the kink.
Miles Long
Fuck victoriously!
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2005
- Posts
- 21,358
These are things I tell myself. They may or may not work for other people.
Do -
1. When planning a scene, do have an idea of what you want to accomplish or where you want the scene to end up, but resist the temptation to pre-plan every tiny little detail. Leave room for spontaneity and organic interactions in the moment.
2. Be willing to try new things, at least once. So many things can surprise you and you'll discover kinks you end up loving that you never imagined until you gave them a shot.
3. Own your mistakes when you fuck up. Everyone fucks up. Admit it, learn from it, and resolve to do better. Then do better. And forgive others when they fuck up and are sincerely sorry about it.
Don't -
1. Don't attempt to negotiate major things mid-scene. Deep into sub- and Dom-space is not the time to ask, "Hey I know we didn't talk about sex pre-scene, but wouldn't it be hot if I blew a load in you right now?" Neither party is in the correct head space to make that decision.
2. Don't treat kink as a contest to out-Dom or out-sub other people. Everyone gets to define their dynamics, limits, and what success means to them. You be you and let them be them. There are already enough dick swinging contests in the world.
3. Don't stop believin'. I mean, don't lie to yourself or others. Know yourself to the extent that you can, and be honest with yourself and others about who you are and what you want. Life is too short to do otherwise.
These dos and don'ts do not really address my limits. That's a separate conversation for me. I learned these things about myself mainly through trial and error, along with a lot of discussion with other kinksters at various events, munches, hanging out, etc. I don't know that I wish I'd known it all earlier, because I think it was a good process to figure these things out by doing. I've had a really good kink journey overall so far, and I'm very happy with that.
F
formertroll
Guest
I guess i'm new to this but
do: safe, sane, consensual
don't: be stupid, blab to the whole neighborhood, or allow play to mess up a perfectly good friendship
do: safe, sane, consensual
don't: be stupid, blab to the whole neighborhood, or allow play to mess up a perfectly good friendship
A
Angedesoleil
Guest
How would you describe your personal style/ philosophy of BDSM and why?
you know, it always strikes me as so strange that so many Daddies on here that I've talked to aren't specifically into age play but identify as a daddy purely because they are looking for D/s that isn't humiliation or degradation inclusive. They aren't even aware there is a thing called a Gentledom. Yep. It's a thing. It was a thing... just doesn't seem to be a thing on here anymore. I'm not a masochist in the traditional sense, though I'm working through whether I'm an emotional masochist or not. I'm not sure if I'm a little technically either; though I have some off the earmarks
I'm not into degradation or humiliation I'm into respect. I'm into Anais Nin, jade, and Michael Mikai. I started out on Castlerealm and still have a huge soft spot for The Garden. I'd fit better on another well known site geared towards married D/s only my husband isn't interested. So for me, I'm into respect based, growth minded, clear expectations, quality communication, service oriented with some kink thtuen in, long term committed positive reinforcement, D/s. I'm the good girl who needs to please, who will take care of all of your needs with a sincere and happy heart who needs to be loved jealously and protectively as yours.
Do
1. Do know thyself. Ignorance is not bliss. Skipping smack dab into the middle of a situation you can't handle because you didn't stop to think how it would pan out isn't cute. It isn't pretty. It sucks for all involved. This goes on both sides off the slash! As much as I need to be able to communicate to you how xyz thing affects me... I should be able to ask the same question! (And you should know the answer...if you don't know you how am I supposed to trust you to handle me?)
2. Not all play possibilities are worth jumping into. Those of us who aren't 19 and a size 2 with completely unencumbered time and finances are sometimes apt to hop at a chance, whether it seems like a perfect fit or not. I am embarrassed to admit that I've on occasion been guilty of thinking like a teenage boy excited at the prospect of BOOBS! ( I'm a chick, I'm straight, but aside from here most girls aren't like DICK!!! We might be... I might be... I plead the 5th.) Point is... just like we have to learn sometimes the boobs aren't worth the crazy, sometimes the play ain't worth the fallout.
3. Self acceptance is key. A few people up there talked about not comparing. I think it's part of a bigger issue. Same with someone who said overcoming societal shit... for me it is getting over myself. I'm my own worst enemy. I haven't told anyone that I was briefly involved with a rather well known Litster for a while. I won't name names... but there was something he said that struck me deeply... all of this is about making me face me. I have a hell of a time seeing myself as my dominant sees me. He is my mirror. He shines a light on the spiders in the corner, and in his eyes I can see his acceptance and even desire and accept them
It is through this I can accept all of the parts of me society or family or religion or I myself deem wrong. I work out my demons and that is the price he pays for admission. I don't think I'll ever not need it. Like I said I'm my own worst enemy... putting him whoever he is as my rubric is a hell of a lot kinder to myself. It might even be lazy. That's why I need him to hold me accountable. It's like ropes and bondage... how they actually make some of us feel freer... that's what knowing he is there does.. it frees me to have him to say whether I'm doing well enough or not... and he is kinder to me than I ever am to myself!
Dont:
1. Face a trigger and run. If something doesn't sit right figure it out voice it... if you don't the next time you face it it might eat you alive!
Case in point: I learned I can't role play people. I can't do anything that makes me feel my PYL wants me to BE someone else. I can role play me as thing... but ask me to be Annette... sets off every record in my head. "I don't want you. You aren't as good as. You are only a surrogate. Etc etc Etc".
2. No one can be your everything. It isn't a fair expectation. No man is an island we all know this... but no one is everything. That's ok. It's ok to not meet EVERY SINGLE need of each others. Yes, good try. But there are bound to be things you just don't mesh on 100%. That isn't a failure. It doesn't mean it's give up time either. It means talk about it, get creative. Don't bend limits or be a doormat ( btw that was my thread) and sometimes you have to be wise enough to say : I can't meet this one, I'm sorry. That isn't always a failure. The failure is to refuse to admit the truth or to allow yourself to get broken in the process.
3. Don't ever cease to allow yourself to feel. Feel joy. Feel sadness. Feel grief. Feel exuberance. Feel all of it. The look we all see and say WOW on a submissive's face when she is 100% present and in it and reveling in every sensation giving all of themself.... the look of rapture and contentment of satisfaction on a dominant as they look at that submissive? That comes from a person willing to feel it all. Yep we will get let down. Yep it will hurt like hell sometimes... but that hurt is worth it for one second of having THAT LOOK and knowing you are putting that look on THEIR face too.
Yes, these have influenced my limits. These are related to life experiences that have and still do change me day by day. Every experience is a growth. My limits and need don't change, my understanding and knowledge of them does... constantly.
you know, it always strikes me as so strange that so many Daddies on here that I've talked to aren't specifically into age play but identify as a daddy purely because they are looking for D/s that isn't humiliation or degradation inclusive. They aren't even aware there is a thing called a Gentledom. Yep. It's a thing. It was a thing... just doesn't seem to be a thing on here anymore. I'm not a masochist in the traditional sense, though I'm working through whether I'm an emotional masochist or not. I'm not sure if I'm a little technically either; though I have some off the earmarks
I'm not into degradation or humiliation I'm into respect. I'm into Anais Nin, jade, and Michael Mikai. I started out on Castlerealm and still have a huge soft spot for The Garden. I'd fit better on another well known site geared towards married D/s only my husband isn't interested. So for me, I'm into respect based, growth minded, clear expectations, quality communication, service oriented with some kink thtuen in, long term committed positive reinforcement, D/s. I'm the good girl who needs to please, who will take care of all of your needs with a sincere and happy heart who needs to be loved jealously and protectively as yours.
Do
1. Do know thyself. Ignorance is not bliss. Skipping smack dab into the middle of a situation you can't handle because you didn't stop to think how it would pan out isn't cute. It isn't pretty. It sucks for all involved. This goes on both sides off the slash! As much as I need to be able to communicate to you how xyz thing affects me... I should be able to ask the same question! (And you should know the answer...if you don't know you how am I supposed to trust you to handle me?)
2. Not all play possibilities are worth jumping into. Those of us who aren't 19 and a size 2 with completely unencumbered time and finances are sometimes apt to hop at a chance, whether it seems like a perfect fit or not. I am embarrassed to admit that I've on occasion been guilty of thinking like a teenage boy excited at the prospect of BOOBS! ( I'm a chick, I'm straight, but aside from here most girls aren't like DICK!!! We might be... I might be... I plead the 5th.) Point is... just like we have to learn sometimes the boobs aren't worth the crazy, sometimes the play ain't worth the fallout.
3. Self acceptance is key. A few people up there talked about not comparing. I think it's part of a bigger issue. Same with someone who said overcoming societal shit... for me it is getting over myself. I'm my own worst enemy. I haven't told anyone that I was briefly involved with a rather well known Litster for a while. I won't name names... but there was something he said that struck me deeply... all of this is about making me face me. I have a hell of a time seeing myself as my dominant sees me. He is my mirror. He shines a light on the spiders in the corner, and in his eyes I can see his acceptance and even desire and accept them
It is through this I can accept all of the parts of me society or family or religion or I myself deem wrong. I work out my demons and that is the price he pays for admission. I don't think I'll ever not need it. Like I said I'm my own worst enemy... putting him whoever he is as my rubric is a hell of a lot kinder to myself. It might even be lazy. That's why I need him to hold me accountable. It's like ropes and bondage... how they actually make some of us feel freer... that's what knowing he is there does.. it frees me to have him to say whether I'm doing well enough or not... and he is kinder to me than I ever am to myself!
Dont:
1. Face a trigger and run. If something doesn't sit right figure it out voice it... if you don't the next time you face it it might eat you alive!
Case in point: I learned I can't role play people. I can't do anything that makes me feel my PYL wants me to BE someone else. I can role play me as thing... but ask me to be Annette... sets off every record in my head. "I don't want you. You aren't as good as. You are only a surrogate. Etc etc Etc".
2. No one can be your everything. It isn't a fair expectation. No man is an island we all know this... but no one is everything. That's ok. It's ok to not meet EVERY SINGLE need of each others. Yes, good try. But there are bound to be things you just don't mesh on 100%. That isn't a failure. It doesn't mean it's give up time either. It means talk about it, get creative. Don't bend limits or be a doormat ( btw that was my thread) and sometimes you have to be wise enough to say : I can't meet this one, I'm sorry. That isn't always a failure. The failure is to refuse to admit the truth or to allow yourself to get broken in the process.
3. Don't ever cease to allow yourself to feel. Feel joy. Feel sadness. Feel grief. Feel exuberance. Feel all of it. The look we all see and say WOW on a submissive's face when she is 100% present and in it and reveling in every sensation giving all of themself.... the look of rapture and contentment of satisfaction on a dominant as they look at that submissive? That comes from a person willing to feel it all. Yep we will get let down. Yep it will hurt like hell sometimes... but that hurt is worth it for one second of having THAT LOOK and knowing you are putting that look on THEIR face too.
Yes, these have influenced my limits. These are related to life experiences that have and still do change me day by day. Every experience is a growth. My limits and need don't change, my understanding and knowledge of them does... constantly.
A
Angedesoleil
Guest
Miles - someday I'd like to pick your brain on a few things. I've never had a single conversation with you, but you've got to know I respect you.
Well said to all of it.
Well said to all of it.
cookiecat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 27, 2006
- Posts
- 22,045
Do -
1. Be honest about my desires. For a long time, I wouldn't admit that I wanted to do dark, creepy things. Things that made me feel shameful but wet! I found that opening myself up in this way allowed for more connected, arousing, interesting play.
2. In the same vein, be honest with feedback. What works, what didn't work. (I really didn't like sticking my fingers up your ass THAT far.) Feedback includes DURING play, too. Not just using safe words but having the ability/comfort level to say "not there... maybe try here"
3. Be interactive. As a submissive, often times I stayed fairly passive about kinky fun. This goes with #1 & 2, but for a long time I left it to the Dom / Top to figure out a scene or how we were going to play. Some liked that level of control, but over the years, I learned the experience was more satisfying if I had input.
Do Not -
1. Feel like because I'm submissive, I can't speak up.
2. Ignore signs. Do not ignore your gut feeling. Do not NOT listen to your partner or to the voices in your head. For example, if my partner says he loves public play, I need to believe that and not think I can talk him out of it. Or, if someone tells me he believes women have no rights and the only was he can get hard is by watching me suffer, believe that.
3. Be so insanely serious about BDSM it is no longer fun.
My personal style of kink/BDSM?? Hard to sum up. I've said this before: thinking of myself as submissive spills over into my vanilla, day to day life. My submission drives me to be a better listener, more considerate, a little quieter. I like that. Overall, I enjoy being in a relationship where I'm held accountable, am pushed, am not always 100% comfortable.
No, if I had these guideposts earlier, I wouldn't have learned so much about myself. BDSM has been a real part of my life for about 15 years. Not 24/7. But usually in an active way. I learned these things by doing, by failing, by seeking out friends and lovers who helped me through weird, good, amazing times.
F
formertroll
Guest
this whole comment was great. thank you for sharing. i'm much newer so hearing you articulate a similar experience (especially learning over the course of time) makes me look forward to months and years ahead.
P
PrettyLilPussy
Guest
If I haven't told each of you, thank you so much for participating and sharing. I know i feel like ive learned a few nuggets of wisdom and something about each of you.
I'll post a new question tomorrow. PM me if you have any questions you would like to be asked!
plp
I'll post a new question tomorrow. PM me if you have any questions you would like to be asked!
plpIf I haven't told each of you, thank you so much for participating and sharing. I know i feel like ive learned a few nuggets of wisdom and something about each of you.
I'll post a new question tomorrow. PM me if you have any questions you would like to be asked!
And thank YOU for stepping up to ringlead the circus. I can't promise I'll have anything to say about the new question, but I'm sure I'll enjoy reading the responses.
Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? I always have some shit to say. The only question is relevance.
P
PrettyLilPussy
Guest
And thank YOU for stepping up to ringlead the circus. I can't promise I'll have anything to say about the new question, but I'm sure I'll enjoy reading the responses.
Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? I always have some shit to say. The only question is relevance.
Lol, I dont know when they let the popcorn girls take over the circus but... its my pleasure!!
Always interesting reading your thoughts Puck.
Paul_Chance
The Watcher
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2011
- Posts
- 21,685
I thought I would riff on this one a little bit this morning. Personally, I think this is so important and it is one of the risk areas in the online kink communities. Different people has different personalities, different reasons for their kink, different ways of expressing it and different ways of exploring it.
For some, it is all about the formality of "the scene", but for others it's about the intense "exploration in the moment". Any of the variations work, as long as they work for the people who are in them.
Because I play guitar I often use it as a metaphor for exploring your kinks. There are times when you learn best from structured play - scales, chord progressions, musical variations. Then there are times you learn best from jamming and free form play. There is an incredible amount of musical variation locked in minor changes in tempo, chord technique, and strumming or plucking changes.
I think sometimes that "sense of play" and artistry gets lost or glossed over in online discussions of kink, especially when conversation tends toward "right, wrong" or "best, better" or "real, fake". Way back when I was learning to play guitar my instructor said "there is no wrong way to play the guitar, there are ways that work and ways that don't work, remember it is called "playing the guitar" not "working the guitar"."
Given the intense intimacy, both physical and psychological, wrapped inside our various kinks, I think it is important to remember, at the end of the day, what you are seeking is pleasure, however you define it. Sure, learn your technique as you go, but remember play and to play with the variations. The slightest changes in tempo and pressure can transform a largely technical scene or encounter into something sublime. Subtle differences in all aspects, the environment, the physicality, the tempo, make huge differences - and to find them, you have to play with them.
seela
Quark Thief
- Joined
- May 14, 2010
- Posts
- 10,402
I love it that this thread has brought forth discussion and I've enjoyed reading everybody's responses, even though I haven't had anything to contribute myself!
But I'm also wondering if having one thread for several topics might get a little problematic after a while, if people want to talk about a topic longer than Mon to Thu or Thu to Mon, or if they want to return to the topic several weeks later, for example.
It feels like a bit like the return of the M thread, which was one gigantic thread for all discussions BDSM before BDSM Talk was formed. Would it be easier to keep the discussions organized, if every question was its own thread?
Either way, separate threads or all discussion in one thread, I'm really happy all this discussion is happening!
But I'm also wondering if having one thread for several topics might get a little problematic after a while, if people want to talk about a topic longer than Mon to Thu or Thu to Mon, or if they want to return to the topic several weeks later, for example.
It feels like a bit like the return of the M thread, which was one gigantic thread for all discussions BDSM before BDSM Talk was formed. Would it be easier to keep the discussions organized, if every question was its own thread?
Either way, separate threads or all discussion in one thread, I'm really happy all this discussion is happening!
For me personally, my CDOness (that's like OCD, but with the letters in alphabetical order where they damn well belong) likes the idea of a separate thread for each question set rather than one monster thread.
However, I have long since managed to conquer that affliction and my slob has run amok (hence the appearance of the kitchen), so I'm good if we just keep a rollin' rollin' rollin' RAWHIDE! *cough*
Sorry, what were we talkin' about?
Mei5ter
You Have Been Warned
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2018
- Posts
- 4,576
Do:
- pause and enjoy the sheer pleasure of looking at the amazing person who has given herself and her trust to you
- put her back together with all the love you have if you’ve broken her
- remember it’s not a competition in weirdness and that less can be more, even here
Don’t:
- humiliate or degrade
- inadvertently feed self esteem issues
- forget to wedge the bedroom door securely if you’re being creative with wrists, ropes and hooks on the back of said door. Watching your partner gently swing into the door frame can spoil the moment like few other things can...
- pause and enjoy the sheer pleasure of looking at the amazing person who has given herself and her trust to you
- put her back together with all the love you have if you’ve broken her
- remember it’s not a competition in weirdness and that less can be more, even here
Don’t:
- humiliate or degrade
- inadvertently feed self esteem issues
- forget to wedge the bedroom door securely if you’re being creative with wrists, ropes and hooks on the back of said door. Watching your partner gently swing into the door frame can spoil the moment like few other things can...
