Some poly, some kink, some other stuff ...

[1mherenow]

Technically 'polyamorous' would just mean loving more than one person. It's certainly not uncommon for people in poly situation to have a primary relationship, and for others to be secondary.

Well, that would indeed be easier... As long as the "secondary person" is fine with being secondary to somebody they love..... I wouldn't be... But i'm not polyamourous....

 

[Sunshine420]

Living Poly.

I am married and have been for almost a decade. My husband and I met a girl, we'll call her Dee, several years ago who quickly became close to us. It was all about the sex at first. He and I have indulged in many FMF threesomes and jealousy was never an issue. The more Dee spent time with us the more I fell for her. I noticed, though I have the primary place, my husband was falling too. She moved in with us a couple of years ago and lives with us as a spouse. I guess you could say my marriage is primary because we've been together so long and our love is strong. But my girlfriend has a special place. What we do works. She's showed love and affection and not in a secondary sense.

 

[policywank]

Well, that would indeed be easier... As long as the "secondary person" is fine with being secondary to somebody they love..... I wouldn't be... But i'm not polyamourous....

Most of the loving relationships in our life are not exclusive. Many are not equally reciprocated and many do not involve being primary.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be exclusive or primary. But expecting that as the norm is at least in part learned behaviour.

 

[Charles36]

Many years ago I married a woman who had a long-term boyfriend who she would have married, but his mother absolutely forbade it since she was older. He was an astronomer and was mostly away.

When he was in town I welcomed him into our home. During the day we three would hike or garden. At night he had first access to her. Unfortunately, he would not allow me to watch. Late at night after he was asleep I got seconds.

 

[KimGordon67]

Many years ago I married a woman who had a long-term boyfriend who she would have married, but his mother absolutely forbade it since she was older. He was an astronomer and was mostly away.

When he was in town I welcomed him into our home. During the day we three would hike or garden. At night he had first access to her. Unfortunately, he would not allow me to watch. Late at night after he was asleep I got seconds.

I probably wouldn't phrase things quite like that, but that sounds like a really lovely situation. I think it's interesting that these sorts of things have happened for a long time, obviously 'under the radar', but probably more often that we've really thought.

 

[SamLaraCroft]

At my age (44 years) and being heterosexual, most guys are unavailable exclusively, so as a single woman I have to accept that non monogamy might be a part of a new relationship and I will be secondary.

Being on dating sites has been fun but more and more I am approached by married men. I do however have issue with hurting someone's spouse and lying or cheating, I don't want to be an accomplice, but if the spouse knows then perhaps I might explore a poly relationship xx

 

[KimGordon67]

At my age (44 years) and being heterosexual, most guys are unavailable exclusively, so as a single woman I have to accept that non monogamy might be a part of a new relationship and I will be secondary.

Being on dating sites has been fun but more and more I am approached by married men. I do however have issue with hurting someone's spouse and lying or cheating, I don't want to be an accomplice, but if the spouse knows then perhaps I might explore a poly relationship xx

My experience is that guys are often 'unclear' about whether they're being even slightly honest about their situation with their partners.
I also have phrases like 'ethical non-monogamy' in profiles, and numerous guys come back with 'I'm cheating too!'

I think be staunch in what feels right for you, and don't compromise on that (beyond what you feel is OK).

 

[Justfantasies]

Most of the loving relationships in our life are not exclusive. Many are not equally reciprocated and many do not involve being primary.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be exclusive or primary. But expecting that as the norm is at least in part learned behaviour.

The need for polyamorous relationships is in all of us. It is acknowledged by society in men, but suppressed. In women it isn't even acknowledged, although from my experience many women need more partners than one to fulfill them both psychologically and sexually.

 

[SamLaraCroft]

My experience is that guys are often 'unclear' about whether they're being even slightly honest about their situation with their partners.
I also have phrases like 'ethical non-monogamy' in profiles, and numerous guys come back with 'I'm cheating too!'

I think be staunch in what feels right for you, and don't compromise on that (beyond what you feel is OK).

Oh yes I totally agree, they state they are separated, but actually their wives don't even know they are. They have just decided in their brain they are separated. I have been lied to a heck of a lot and it's not a real turn on, it makes me feel that they are just seeking their own pleasure no matter what.

I also don't consent to sex in real life with married men who cheat, and make it clear that it's non consensual, which makes most liars back out and admit they are not single. After all most people want fun and sex between consenting adults and if they are not getting consent it's no fun xx

 

[KimGordon67]

The need for polyamorous relationships is in all of us. It is acknowledged by society in men, but suppressed. In women it isn't even acknowledged, although from my experience many women need more partners than one to fulfill them both psychologically and sexually.

I'm fairly careful to never position this stuff as a 'need'. I've seen people engage in some pretty poor behaviour and use the rationale that it was the only way they could have their 'needs' met, because phrasing their desire as 'need' makes it OK to be an arse somehow.
I don't think we're 'naturally' inclined either way ... both poly and monogamy are really things we're more likely socialised into, for various reasons. I don't think one has more value than the other ... I can love more than one person at once, and that's fine; my husband loves only one person at once, and that's fine. Some women prefer having more than one partner, some don't ... I don't think there's anything innate in females per se that creates a 'need' for more than one.

 

[Justfantasies]

I'm fairly careful to never position this stuff as a 'need'. I've seen people engage in some pretty poor behaviour and use the rationale that it was the only way they could have their 'needs' met, because phrasing their desire as 'need' makes it OK to be an arse somehow.
I don't think we're 'naturally' inclined either way ... both poly and monogamy are really things we're more likely socialised into, for various reasons. I don't think one has more value than the other ... I can love more than one person at once, and that's fine; my husband loves only one person at once, and that's fine. Some women prefer having more than one partner, some don't ... I don't think there's anything innate in females per se that creates a 'need' for more than one.

I pondered over using the word "need" and I take the point. There are probably better words. Also, there are obviously people who have no interest in loving more than one person or even one person for that matter.

My point was really that polyamory is seen as odd, while I suspect the propensity for it is built deeply into a lot of people and secretly is a lot more common than is acknowledged.

 

[policywank]

The need for polyamorous relationships is in all of us. It is acknowledged by society in men, but suppressed. In women it isn't even acknowledged, although from my experience many women need more partners than one to fulfill them both psychologically and sexually.

I think acknowledging the possibility women is less accepted in society. I’m not sure that women are any less aware of or inclined to recognize it ourselves.

 

[Olderthanthat]

I probably wouldn't phrase things quite like that, but that sounds like a really lovely situation. I think it's interesting that these sorts of things have happened for a long time, obviously 'under the radar', but probably more often that we've really thought.

Not so lovely to me. Hardly so. How arrogant-sounding!

 

[Justfantasies]

I think acknowledging the possibility women is less accepted in society. I’m not sure that women are any less aware of or inclined to recognize it ourselves.

I know for sure it is acknowledged by woman themselves, although every so often there is a tacit reference to it in a movie or book. However, society isn't accommodating however, except perhaps in a quiet sort of way

 

[LeatherPissPunk]

I am, I guess tertiary or something to a few friends' polyamorous relationship groups (whatever you wanna call 'em). I like them, they like me, and everyone is okay with me having sex with one of their respective group; if not I wouldn't consent anyway.

 

[KimGordon67]

Not so lovely to me. Hardly so. How arrogant-sounding!

Well, you're obviously entitled to your opinion. I was responding to the tone that seemed to be in the poster's comment - I couldn't really see anything in there other than three people who seemed to care for each other, and managed to live that in some shape or form around the constrains they found themselves in at the time. Maybe that wasn't the case, but that's the way in which he articulated it. I'm not really sure how that's 'arrogant'?

 

[SamLaraCroft]

Thanks for explaining your infidelities and being so open about your feelings xx

 

[numeniusa]

Thanks for explaining your infidelities and being so open about your feelings xx

That’s an interesting question. Can it really be called ‘infidelity’ when non-monogamy is consensual?

 

[LizVegas79]

Addicted .... I mean *subscribed* !!

 

[LeatherPissPunk]

That’s an interesting question. Can it really be called ‘infidelity’ when non-monogamy is consensual?

no, infidelity means cheating. consensual non-monogamy is not cheating, for everyone involved (all 3(+)) knows about what's going on and is okay with it.

 

[KimGordon67]

That’s an interesting question. Can it really be called ‘infidelity’ when non-monogamy is consensual?

I think she's referring to the other stuff - cyber, phone, etc.

 

[LeatherPissPunk]

I think she's referring to the other stuff - cyber, phone, etc.

Well, until you told your husband, this was at least edging on cheating. And I'm not judging you. How could I?!

 

[KimGordon67]

Well, until you told your husband, this was at least edging on cheating. And I'm not judging you. How could I?!

I think I've addressed that point fairly thoroughly.

 

[LeatherPissPunk]

yes you did.

 

[SamLaraCroft]

That’s an interesting question. Can it really be called ‘infidelity’ when non-monogamy is consensual?

She admitted when it was behind her husband's back and she felt guilty for cheating on him xx