Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[Farawyn]

I don't really know exactly what I was looking for when I started this online relationship. It never occurred to me to search online for companionship...I guess I was just looking for some D/s fun. The problem is I have never been a fan of 'cybersex' in terms of a quick onetime 'get each other off' kind of thing. It just doesn't appeal to me. So I figured some type of 'get to know you' semi long term relationship would maybe work. But i didnt expect to connect with someone on they level we did. Then the real problem is I did get emotionally involved with my online Dom. He's amazing! Absolutely perfect in the way I would want a RL Dom to be. And just as a person in general. He's witty and fun, but can be serious and strict too. He's very creative and knows exactly how to read me. And damn, if I could draw a picture of my ideal man...it would pretty much look just like him. We're still having fun getting to know each other...and not exchanging I love yous or anything, but I could see myself falling hard for him. That's scary to me...

All of this. Every word. This was me.

 

[SilverBass]

All of this. Every word. This was me.

I have learned through various online (though not BDSM) relationships that there can often be a certain kind of intimacy and openness that is easier to achieve online than in person. I actually think we are MORE honest online, once we get through the BS of attracting each other in the first place. Body language affects us quite a bit, but we don't have that kind of non-verbal communication online, online we ONLY have verbal and written communication with no body language or physical attraction crap getting in the way (OK, Skype may add some of it here though). With that said, there is a certain kind of chemistry that can make getting to know someone intimately even easier online than in person, as long as you have hooked up with someone on a level that works for you.

This can be both good and bad. Good in the way that it allows us to connect quickly, share our secrets and desires and really open up. Really this brings closeness in a way that is just so different than RL. Also, there are none of those irritating quirks (being cheap, rude to strangers, odd facial tick, etc) that can get in the way of RL encounters that sometimes can spoil the romance. By no means am I against online only relationships, as I've had some good ones, but that closeness that is developed often leads to loneliness and even worse, disappointment when it turns to RL. With that said, it can work, but I believe when it works for the long term is the exception and not the norm.

You know what really works well? Meeting someone in person, perhaps someone it is inconvenient to see very often, and then indulging in this same kind of cyber-relationship with the person you have met and will see again at some point. In otherwords a mix. Anyway, just my experience. Good luck to all but tread cautiously. After all this time I am still under the belief that cyber relationships, no matter what level of intimacy is achieved, will always be based part on the fantasy of what you expect the RL experience to be, which seldom lives up to expectations if ever achieved.

 

[yukonnights]

I've probably not gone quite a deeply into an online relationship as is being discussed here, but we all know that the emotional connection can be surprisingly strong. The couple of instances where I did finally meet up with the other person were a real disappointment. I've given it quite a bit of thought over time and it seems to me that there are distinct differences of "connection" between RL and Online.

I bring this up in order to suggest that if an online relationship is trending toward a real life relationship, then I think it is wise to meet up sooner than later. Because the longer the "online personalities" interact and connect, the greater the risk that the "real personalities" don't quite mesh as well as had been envisioned. In other words, it's very difficult to truly know another person with just online energy.

Another way to think about it is; If one really does make what seems like a possible life connection online, don't tarry too long before meeting because of the risk of ruining a great thing. ( and as with all things, there are obviously exceptions to this)

EDIT: SilverBass posted the same general thoughts above...I think he/she said it better ~

 

[Betticus]

I only came here to gaze at Farawyn's lips..... so many promises there..

 

[Iamsubmissive]

As I've been reading these posts and thinking about this, it makes sense what a couple of people have said about online and RL. The two are very different and won't always match up in RL. It's easy to let 'idealism' cloud your perception online, whereas flaws are not so easily overlooked in person. I think that's where my fear of it becoming 'unhealthy' comes into play. I think, while it can be fun and exciting, it is wise to remind yourself that it is also a fantasy and not to get too carried away in the new emotions of it all. If you're building a connection to hopefully meet in the future...that probably is best to address that sooner rather than wait too long. But for online only...enjoy it, without RL fears setting it, but don't get so absorbed that you can't recognize the difference or adversely affect your 'here and now' real life...

 

[Farawyn]

As I've been reading these posts and thinking about this, it makes sense what a couple of people have said about online and RL. The two are very different and won't always match up in RL. It's easy to let 'idealism' cloud your perception online, whereas flaws are not so easily overlooked in person. I think that's where my fear of it becoming 'unhealthy' comes into play. I think, while it can be fun and exciting, it is wise to remind yourself that it is also a fantasy and not to get too carried away in the new emotions of it all. If you're building a connection to hopefully meet in the future...that probably is best to address that sooner rather than wait too long. But for online only...enjoy it, without RL fears setting it, but don't get so absorbed that you can't recognize the difference or adversely affect your 'here and now' real life...

Yes. And no.

Yes, in that you can crop a pic so the zit on your face isn't noticeable. Or not talk about the crap of the workday.
As I'm beginning to learn, it's just that which makes us beautiful. It's the flaws. That's what makes us, us.

If you are seeking an online relationship, you still are seeking, you still have a need.
The online sex only stuff does not work for me. At all. Three had to be a friendship. A liking.
And when that happens, so do emotions.

I have a lot of friends that are very happy online only. Of course, I am speaking for myself and no one else.

 

[Farawyn]

I only came here to gaze at Farawyn's lips..... so many promises there..

Well, thanks, Fig Daddy.
I should get mustard on my lips more often.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Yes. And no.

Yes, in that you can crop a pic so the zit on your face isn't noticeable. Or not talk about the crap of the workday.
As I'm beginning to learn, it's just that which makes us beautiful. It's the flaws. That's what makes us, us.

If you are seeking an online relationship, you still are seeking, you still have a need.
The online sex only stuff does not work for me. At all. Three had to be a friendship. A liking.
And when that happens, so do emotions.

I have a lot of friends that are very happy online only. Of course, I am speaking for myself and no one else.

I get that emotions do happen, we wouldn't be human otherwise. Just saying that if you have no intentions of moving from online to RL, then you have to find some kind of balance so your RL isn't affected in a negative way because of those emotions.

 

[Farawyn]

I get that emotions do happen, we wouldn't be human otherwise. Just saying that if you have no intentions of moving from online to RL, then you have to find some kind of balance so your RL isn't affected in a negative way because of those emotions.

People can do it. Very well and happily.
I can't.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I had what I'd call a relationship for about three years with a Dom, online only, emails only.
When it was good, it was good, then it wasn't. I can really only describe it as something similar to shattering my soul and feeling as if all the itty bitty pieces were blown about and mixed with sand.

I can safely say I'll never do it again, although I know it works for many people out there.

I am not one of those people.

I probably need to spend a good deal of time forgiving myself for being so stupid as to believe in the rainbow and butterfly affect.

One day, I might allow myself to trust again. Doubtful it will be anytime soon.

Always fascinated when I hear the success stories stories, though.

Grateful for the opportunity to read about them.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I had what I'd call a relationship for about three years with a Dom, online only, emails only.
When it was good, it was good, then it wasn't. I can really only describe it as something similar to shattering my soul and feeling as if all the itty bitty pieces were blown about and mixed with sand.

I'm sorry to hear this. I hear some stories and I get inspired. Then I read some common sense advice and I think, "ok, I got this". Then the devastating ones make me freak out all over again. I'm new to this so I'm glad to hear it all.

Three years is a long time. I'm curious as to what went wrong in the end, but I'm not asking you to share anything if you're not comfortable discussing it. I do wish you the best though, and hope that bad experience doesn't hold you back from finding your happiness.

 

[KimGordon67]

I started this thread a couple of weeks back ... my situation is somewhat different to yours, because I'm married, and also I've never looked for (nor, in my view, really ended up with) a 'real' d/s relationship, but a lot them have had elements of power/control to them. However, I do write a bit on the 'nature' of online relationships too - some of that might be of interest, and others have contributed to some of those discussions in interesting ways.
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1412353

 

[KimGordon67]

One of the issues I had with a couple of the more intense online relationships I've had is how pervasive they can become. The fact that one can easily have a chat window running most of the time means they can intrude on your worklife in ways RL relationships seldom do ... and for me, time differences and various logistical issues related to being married meant that playtime was often when I really should have been sleeping. I'll talk about this in the above-mentioned thread, but there was a year or so where I was a bit obsessive, and it started having a negative impact on other areas of my life - not my family, which was always sacrosanct, but definitely my work.

I also think all the points above about being to 'idealise' people in an online context, and relatedly, the fact that we all present ourselves in the best possible light online (to a greater extent, I think, than in RL) are entirely true. That doesn't necessarily mean the online relationships are any less 'real', but it maybe is easier to fall pretty quickly. I think if things become longer term, though, those things dissipate a bit - it's difficult to keep up a good front for years at a time. With the above-mentioned guy, we got to the point where we'd have stupid arguments that were pretty much the stupid arguments any couple has.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I'm sorry to hear this. I hear some stories and I get inspired. Then I read some common sense advice and I think, "ok, I got this". Then the devastating ones make me freak out all over again. I'm new to this so I'm glad to hear it all.

Three years is a long time. I'm curious as to what went wrong in the end, but I'm not asking you to share anything if you're not comfortable discussing it. I do wish you the best though, and hope that bad experience doesn't hold you back from finding your happiness.

I don't mind sharing..

I thought it was more than it was. Plain and simple. Telling myself that I was the loony one is easier than thinking he had any ill intent toward me. I will never allow myself to get that close again to anyone online, and I don't mind admitting that it was that relationship and how devastating not being able to physically touch some one is to me that makes me cringe when I see all the lovey dovey..lol

 

[SilverBass]

I don't mind sharing..

I thought it was more than it was. Plain and simple. Telling myself that I was the loony one is easier than thinking he had any ill intent toward me. I will never allow myself to get that close again to anyone online, and I don't mind admitting that it was that relationship and how devastating not being able to physically touch some one is to me that makes me cringe when I see all the lovey dovey..lol

I hear you. Some may disagree with me, but my suggestion is to take any online only relationship with a grain of salt. Sure emotions will happen naturally, but you can train yourself to still not take it all too seriously. In other words, learn to accept it for what it is. Yes there is a real person on the other side, someone just like you reaching out. This isn't a slam on the other person. I'm not worried about fakes, but I would be worried about mistaking a fantasy for something more than it is. Yes, I believe all online relationships are roughly 50% fantasy. The other person is real, the connection is real, the emotions are real, but in all honesty I believe those emotions are what I would call phantom emotions. Meaning, you cannot expect it to carry over to real life. Regarding being hurt, well sure, but that can happen in real life too, obviously. People break up, disappear, lie, cheat, become cold hearted or disinterested. I'm not talking about that. I am however talking about how mistaking true love for phantom love can end up feeling lonely and more unfulfilling than even a real life relationship can when it goes sour.

Once you get all wrapped up you may finally come to a conclusion that all of this thought and time and "love" really doesn't amount to much when there is no person there, just a voice or an image on a screen. So by all means indulge in these relationships if you can learn how to differentiate phantom love and connection for real love and connection. I only say that because you can love someone you have never met in the cyber world, but you cannot expect to love someone in RL the way you have learned to love them online. Not sure if I am explaining this very well. Yes there are success stories, but how many compared to those that end up not working out?

To boil it all down, been there, done that and I'd do it again, but when or if I do it again I would never again compare what I feel for someone online the way I do in real life. You are talking apples and oranges. My advice? If you confuse the two and feel as if you are starting to love someone like you would love someone in person in the real world? Then stop right now, you are headed down a sad and lonely path. But take it with a grain of salt, connect, have fun, don't take it too seriously, by all means then go have fun.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I started this thread a couple of weeks back ... my situation is somewhat different to yours, because I'm married, and also I've never looked for (nor, in my view, really ended up with) a 'real' d/s relationship, but a lot them have had elements of power/control to them. However, I do write a bit on the 'nature' of online relationships too - some of that might be of interest, and others have contributed to some of those discussions in interesting ways.
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1412353

I have been following your thread and I find it very interesting. It was one of the things that inspired me to start this thread. Well, that and the lack of suitable resources in my online search. I think there is a lot more to be said/learned about this. In this day and age, online relationships are quite common and there are a lot of people with stories to share. And a lot of people with questions or confusing emotions. You can always find the spiel about being "safe" online but not a lot about the ramifications of such relationships...or the success stories. It can be really scary when your trying to navigate through it for the first time.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I don't mind sharing..

I thought it was more than it was. Plain and simple. Telling myself that I was the loony one is easier than thinking he had any ill intent toward me. I will never allow myself to get that close again to anyone online, and I don't mind admitting that it was that relationship and how devastating not being able to physically touch some one is to me that makes me cringe when I see all the lovey dovey..lol

I can understand that...but, three years...I think it would be normal for anyone to look at it as "more". And the lack of physical touch...I REALLY understand that. It's hard, and can be so lonely when you yearn for that kind of affection.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Where that relationship goes......who can say? I would not opt for monogamy in an online relationship personally. Primarily because I cannot imagine it, and secondly because it's I suppose my nature to be able to love more than one, but for me also lovevis important, I would find it difficult to construct an online D/s relationship I imagine. I admire those of you who do recognise and service your needs so

I don't think I could be monogamous with an online only relationship either. It would be way too lonely for me if that was the ONLY type of affection I received. I feel like you have to just keep "living" your life, and searching for your own happiness until you find it.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I hear you. Some may disagree with me, but my suggestion is to take any online only relationship with a grain of salt. Sure emotions will happen naturally, but you can train yourself to still not take it all too seriously. In other words, learn to accept it for what it is. Yes there is a real person on the other side, someone just like you reaching out. This isn't a slam on the other person. I'm not worried about fakes, but I would be worried about mistaking a fantasy for something more than it is. Yes, I believe all online relationships are roughly 50% fantasy. The other person is real, the connection is real, the emotions are real, but in all honesty I believe those emotions are what I would call phantom emotions. Meaning, you cannot expect it to carry over to real life. Regarding being hurt, well sure, but that can happen in real life too, obviously. People break up, disappear, lie, cheat, become cold hearted or disinterested. I'm not talking about that. I am however talking about how mistaking true love for phantom love can end up feeling lonely and more unfulfilling than even a real life relationship can when it goes sour.

Once you get all wrapped up you may finally come to a conclusion that all of this thought and time and "love" really doesn't amount to much when there is no person there, just a voice or an image on a screen. So by all means indulge in these relationships if you can learn how to differentiate phantom love and connection for real love and connection. I only say that because you can love someone you have never met in the cyber world, but you cannot expect to love someone in RL the way you have learned to love them online. Not sure if I am explaining this very well. Yes there are success stories, but how many compared to those that end up not working out?

To boil it all down, been there, done that and I'd do it again, but when or if I do it again I would never again compare what I feel for someone online the way I do in real life. You are talking apples and oranges. My advice? If you confuse the two and feel as if you are starting to love someone like you would love someone in person in the real world? Then stop right now, you are headed down a sad and lonely path. But take it with a grain of salt, connect, have fun, don't take it too seriously, by all means then go have fun.

I can understand that...but, three years...I think it would be normal for anyone to look at it as "more". And the lack of physical touch...I REALLY understand that. It's hard, and can be so lonely when you yearn for that kind of affection.

Bottom line is, everyone wants something.
Not everyone wants the same thing. What I do know, however, is that if you're online.... You're most likely looking for a void filler. A certain je ne sais quoi to pass extra time with...You aren't necessarily "looking" for the love of your life, but you might think you've stumbled upon it at some point, and if you do..Great.

I'm rather literal, and fantasy doesn't work for me. I'm hardwired to reality and don't do well with "pretend" reality. I stopped pretending when I was 6...

I can't (won't?) even write "realistic" fantasy because it's not plausible to me.

Ergo...I absolutely hate cyber. I feel an unnatural sadness when some guy wants to try and virtually poke at my holes, and when it happens, I want to virtually slit his throat..

I know I'm kinda fucked up, and that's ok. I don't ever get approached for that type of activity anymore. (Not by accident, btw. I don't receive PMs therefore I don't have to entertain the moronic anymore. I say "have to" because it takes way too much out of me to be nice and polite after I've clearly set a guideline that then, subsequently, gets crossed. Unless you're my kid....I do not want to repeat myself )

Trust me.. I'm doing everyone a favor by self-isolation.

I guess, what I'm getting at is, you have to really know what it is you are wanting when it comes to any type of relationship.. Online or RL. Understand those wants and needs, then accept your limitations.

Long distance just happens to be one of my hard limits.

 

[Lord_Johnny]

From the other side

So, I am going to preface this with the fact that I did not read every, single, comment to their conclusion. Partly this is a time issue, partly it is because I didn't see anyone else speaking from the other side of the equation, so to speak. As such, I skimmed a few of the later posts and hit that "reply" button.

I want to add that emotional connections aren't just on the submissive side. Or at least, not for me. I would think that any connection requires some emotional response. Whether the connection is negative or positive, and regardless of degree. I can only come to the conclusion that any relationship that forms and deepens will continue to grow that emotional connection. Especially when we involve ourselves to such a level as with an intimate relationship such as the aforementioned Dom/Sub relationship.

Now the point I am trying to make is that having an emotional connection to someone else, while not automatic, is certainly normal in these circumstances. Whether online or not. I don't think it is something to be...avoided or shunned. Yes, when those bonds break they hurt. As does the loss of any relationship. That is also normal. Fear of loss shouldn't keep us from allowing ourselves those connections. Even when it's scary. Especially when it's scary. When the time is right, put yourself out despite fear. And when those emotions are there relish them, and let them take their course.

I don't want to preach at you, so I will end this hear, but know my mailbox is open if you want/need to talk more.

 

[Farawyn]

I hear you. Some may disagree with me, but my suggestion is to take any online only relationship with a grain of salt. Sure emotions will happen naturally, but you can train yourself to still not take it all too seriously. In other words, learn to accept it for what it is. Yes there is a real person on the other side, someone just like you reaching out. This isn't a slam on the other person. I'm not worried about fakes, but I would be worried about mistaking a fantasy for something more than it is. Yes, I believe all online relationships are roughly 50% fantasy. The other person is real, the connection is real, the emotions are real, but in all honesty I believe those emotions are what I would call phantom emotions. Meaning, you cannot expect it to carry over to real life. Regarding being hurt, well sure, but that can happen in real life too, obviously. People break up, disappear, lie, cheat, become cold hearted or disinterested. I'm not talking about that. I am however talking about how mistaking true love for phantom love can end up feeling lonely and more unfulfilling than even a real life relationship can when it goes sour.

Once you get all wrapped up you may finally come to a conclusion that all of this thought and time and "love" really doesn't amount to much when there is no person there, just a voice or an image on a screen. So by all means indulge in these relationships if you can learn how to differentiate phantom love and connection for real love and connection. I only say that because you can love someone you have never met in the cyber world, but you cannot expect to love someone in RL the way you have learned to love them online. Not sure if I am explaining this very well. Yes there are success stories, but how many compared to those that end up not working out?

To boil it all down, been there, done that and I'd do it again, but when or if I do it again I would never again compare what I feel for someone online the way I do in real life. You are talking apples and oranges. My advice? If you confuse the two and feel as if you are starting to love someone like you would love someone in person in the real world? Then stop right now, you are headed down a sad and lonely path. But take it with a grain of salt, connect, have fun, don't take it too seriously, by all means then go have fun.

Why can't you expect it to carry over?...asks someone who has.

 

[Farawyn]

So, I am going to preface this with the fact that I did not read every, single, comment to their conclusion. Partly this is a time issue, partly it is because I didn't see anyone else speaking from the other side of the equation, so to speak. As such, I skimmed a few of the later posts and hit that "reply" button.

I want to add that emotional connections aren't just on the submissive side. Or at least, not for me. I would think that any connection requires some emotional response. Whether the connection is negative or positive, and regardless of degree. I can only come to the conclusion that any relationship that forms and deepens will continue to grow that emotional connection. Especially when we involve ourselves to such a level as with an intimate relationship such as the aforementioned Dom/Sub relationship.

Now the point I am trying to make is that having an emotional connection to someone else, while not automatic, is certainly normal in these circumstances. Whether online or not. I don't think it is something to be...avoided or shunned. Yes, when those bonds break they hurt. As does the loss of any relationship. That is also normal. Fear of loss shouldn't keep us from allowing ourselves those connections. Even when it's scary. Especially when it's scary. When the time is right, put yourself out despite fear. And when those emotions are there relish them, and let them take their course.

I don't want to preach at you, so I will end this hear, but know my mailbox is open if you want/need to talk more.

In my experience the men and Dommy types are just as connected, or moreso. I have guy friends, but I've had to set limits with a couple.

 

[Lord_Johnny]

In my experience the men and Dommy types are just as connected, or moreso. I have guy friends, but I've had to set limits with a couple.

Makes sense. I have also had to set limits.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Makes sense. I have also had to set limits.

Thanks for contributing...it's nice to hear from "the other side" and that the connection goes both ways. I have heard from a lot of subs that worry that they are just "playthings" and wish they weren't so attached. I'm sure for some that may be the case, but like others said, honestly - being genuine, and trust matters.