Can We Please Talk about After Care?

[BaronessOpenmindedHeavyhanded]

Hello,

Perhaps it's just me but I have been noticing a lack of discussion about what happens after all the fun and kinky stuff. BDSM can is be intense experience both physically and emotionally, pushing us to our limits. What happens after the experience is important too and helps to build trust with your partner. So I would like to start a thread to see if anyone else feels the same. Here are some questions I have for all of you.

1) Do you and your partner(s) do after care?
2) What does After Care mean to you?
3) Do D's need After Care too?

If there anything else about After Care you would like to talk about?

I hope we can have a great and open discussion!

Baroness

 

[SalvDali]

Being new to the dynamic, we have only pushed to the point of necessary after care once for her and even then it was just some cuddling until she passed out.

For me, I have just learned I have to make sure I have plenty of wind down time. Sometimes when we are done, I just can't shut off my brain and it will take me several hours to come down after. I discussed this is a previous post I will attempt to find and link to.. This topic has popped up a few times in my months here but tends to get buried/forgotten until someone brings it up again..

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1391616 <--- My previous experience here on the subject

 

[GoldCoastDD]

I always find that cuddles and soothing music is a great start. We don't even put away toys or instruments, just lay in each others arms and not say anything. Gentle stroking and soft kisses too. Sometimes it leads to sleep. Sometimes to slow languid love making - nothing like the previous session. Then a joint shower washing each other's bodies and checking for any marks that may need attention. This is generally followed by eating a decent meal.This seems to help transition back to reality. Then I get her to tidy up.

But like the bdsm session itself, I think aftercare is individualistic to the participants.

 

[Nezhul]

1) Do you and your partner(s) do after care?
2) What does After Care mean to you?
3) Do D's need After Care too?

1) we do.

2)oh there's a shit ton of things to it, some of them I may not even be able to consciously notice.

Well, the obvious is that if there are any bruises or marks from caning or ropes - you'd want to apply ointment to them. Stuff happens, and it's better be safe than sorry. Personally, I don't have much experience with that because I never actually left many marks on anyone. But I know it's there.

Second very important part is connecting, communication. For me, it's an enhanced version of what you do after vanilla sex, where you hug and snuggle together and talk a little.
After a BDSM session it's many times more important to re-connect, to make sure everything is alright, to calm the submissive (and the dominant) down. I don't really know how to describe that part. You need to make the submissive feel safe, and loved, I guess, and it's mostly dome by hugging, caressing and some soothing words. Some kissing, very tender and romantic time. You need to use this time to get out of the power exchange dynamic that you both got into, and back to the loving and playful dynamic of boyfriend and girlfriend. It's probably different from person to person what you say and do.
The important thing is that you can't roll over and fall asleep after the BDSM session. Damn, I'm not very good at explaining the emotions.
You also want to use this time (or a bit later) to discuss the session. To find out if something was amiss, or, on the other hand, very on-point.

This is actually kind of the answer to the 3rd question too. I think dominant needs this moment of grounding and re-connection too, needs the hug of his submissive to know that they are OK and there are no grudges. Needs to know that the sub got the good experience. At least for me, that's where the game is left behind and at rest.
I can't imagine how I'd feel if the sub just stalked off after being untied and didn't want contact with me.

I don't know how it works in a 24/7 dynamic. Especially those that are more extreme and place the sub at the place of a slave. I guess they do aftercare too, I just don't know if they break character a lot. Or if there's a character to break.
For me BDSM was also a bedroom game. Well, maybe some out-of bedroom play session too, but you know what I mean - it's all about sessions, not the total power exchange. I can't really wrap my head around the 24/7 relationships, so I can't say anything about them.

 

[tryn2Bgood]

Damn, I'm not very good at explaining the emotions.

I think you explained it perfectly. Good job taking care of your sub...making sure the experience was a positive one.

 

[seela]

I don't do after care, at least not in the sense people usually think of it.

If the sex thing takes place in the evening, I'll just roll over and fall asleep. Or if I feel wound up, I'll read and then fall asleep. If the sex thing takes place earlier in the day, I don't really have any pattern that I follow.

Usually I just want to take a shower and continue on with my day afterwards. If there's some discussion to be had, I prefer to have it the next day or even later. I've even broken things off with someone who was very cuddly and lovey afterwards. I just couldn't deal with it and they couldn't deal with not cuddling.

PYLs for sure can need after care, everybody's preferences and needs are individual and not dependent on their position on the PYL/pyl continuum.

 

[tryn2Bgood]

I don't do after care, at least not in the sense people usually think of it.

If the sex thing takes place in the evening, I'll just roll over and fall asleep. Or if I feel wound up, I'll read and then fall asleep. If the sex thing takes place earlier in the day, I don't really have any pattern that I follow.

Usually I just want to take a shower and continue on with my day afterwards. If there's some discussion to be had, I prefer to have it the next day or even later. I've even broken things off with someone who was very cuddly and lovey afterwards. I just couldn't deal with it and they couldn't deal with not cuddling.

PYLs for sure can need after care, everybody's preferences and needs are individual and not dependent on their position on the PYL/pyl continuum.

Well, shame on you for being so inconsiderate!

 

[seela]

Well, shame on you for being so inconsiderate!

So when my preferences don't line up with someone else's and I break things off because it doesn't work for us, it's being inconsiderate?

Or my preferences to be left alone afterwards are inconsiderate?

And does your opinion of the situation change if I tell you that I'm the submissive partner in the encounters?

 

[Nezhul]

I think seela can actually do what he/she wants. If the needs are different, then what do you do? You find a partner with the same type of needs.

I certainly wouldn't stay in such dynamic, as I said, I can't imagine just stalking off to do our own things. I need to cuddle, and I love it almost as much as the sex itself.

But if someone can't stand this things... well, I'd say that's uncommon. But that doesn't make it wrong.

What would make it wrong would be abusing the partner who wanted the aftercare and cuddling, and denying them that. But just the same, it would be wrong to ignore your own need for distance and cuddle for the sake of your partner.
What you do is break up and search for a relationship that suits you. So I don't think seela is wrong here.

It's as valid reason for breaking up as any other.

I actually didn't think such a viewpoint existed, but now I can kinda see where seela may be coming from. The need for some alone-time, to slowly process things without distractions and unwind on your own. Or maybe the cuddling breaks the submissive experiences that seela's after, so she likes to stay in the zone for longer, to process it better. Those are valid reasons for wanting for distance, and they are only two of the great number of possibilities. I don't know what's going on in other people's heads, but if something there makes cuddling undesirable - then you search for a right partner who will roll over and sleep too.

 

[tryn2Bgood]

So when my preferences don't line up with someone else's and I break things off because it doesn't work for us, it's being inconsiderate?

Or my preferences to be left alone afterwards are inconsiderate?

And does your opinion of the situation change if I tell you that I'm the submissive partner in the encounters?

Hmm...I think it's maybe a little inconsiderate. I mean, couldn't you find some kind of middle ground...a compromise? I would hope that if you really cared for a partner, you would consider this. Or maybe be straightforward about it right from the start so they knew what your preference was. (If you did that and they stuck around hoping to 'change you', then shame on them!)

Anyway, I'm not knocking you for your preference to be left alone. And my opinion doesn't change if you were the submissive one.

 

[seela]

Hmm...I think it's maybe a little inconsiderate. I mean, couldn't you find some kind of middle ground...a compromise? I would hope that if you really cared for a partner, you would consider this. Or maybe be straightforward about it right from the start so they knew what your preference was. (If you did that and they stuck around hoping to 'change you', then shame on them!)

Anyway, I'm not knocking you for your preference to be left alone. And my opinion doesn't change if you were the submissive one.

They did know about my preference, I knew about their preference, we didn't think it would matter as much as it did and figured we'd be able to find that elusive middle ground.

It didn't turn out that way for me and I felt it was best to break things off. I never thought I'd get the "shame on you" because of this, though.

 

[tryn2Bgood]

They did know about my preference, I knew about their preference, we didn't think it would matter as much as it did and figured we'd be able to find that elusive middle ground.

It didn't turn out that way for me and I felt it was best to break things off. I never thought I'd get the "shame on you" because of this, though.

If I retract my 'shame on you comment' would it make you feel better? ☺

 

[seela]

If I retract my 'shame on you comment' would it make you feel better? ☺

I'm not upset about it in the least. It made me giggle more than anything.

 

[tryn2Bgood]

I'm not upset about it in the least. It made me giggle more than anything.

Okay, good. I won't retract it then...just so people can think I'm a big meanie! Shame on me!

 

[Nezhul]

Okay, good. I won't retract it then...just so people can think I'm a big meanie! Shame on me!

You are acting like a smart-ass again. Go get your PYL fix that, he should know how.

 

[tryn2Bgood]

You are acting like a smart-ass again. Go get your PYL fix that, he should know how.

LOL! I might have to wake him up to give me a spanking! Feeling playful tonight ☺

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[KimGordon67]

I've only had a physical relationship with one person that's involved any sort of BDSM activity, but the time afterwards is so integral to the whole thing ... he said something really significant after the first few times we'd been together, after a time that had been particularly intense, involved him pushing me quite a bit until I'd reached my limit (for that day) ... often when that happens I'll crawl into his arms, which is what I really need afterwards, and cum one last time but it's always quieter, more of a 'coming down' than anything else, and this particular time he pulled me into him and said 'I love how what we together do brings you to me'. Just that captured the dynamic of what we're doing to perfectly - it was nearly a year ago, and I still remember it.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[MeekMe]

I just like to have tea and chocolate the same as any other night. I dislike cuddling so if that is needed it is brief (and I will break contact like that when I want because I don't like it). I prefer we go about our things separately after the initial, "you good?" "Yeah, you?" "Yeah." Then we just go do whatever we're going to do.

 

[tryn2Bgood]

Okay. Now that my 'smartass streak' has passed, I just wanted to add that I think aftercare is essential. It's always important to address your partner's needs. If you are compatible with your partner in that regard, it certainly makes it easier. And even the "You good? Yeah, you? Yeah" is acceptable aftercare if that's all that's needed. Ultimately it is up to each couple to determine the amount and type of aftercare needed, which also may change from time to time. So, basically, it's important to communicate, make sure both parties are good, and go from there!

 

[MeekMe]

I think aftercare is only essential to those that think it's essential. Plenty of people don't do aftercare. If you expect it, state it up front, but nobody HAS to do it. If that's something you need and like to give them make sure your partner is also on the same page. Otherwise, tough titties, move along.

 

[Netzach]

I'm weird in that I love a cuddle, I even like an after sex cuddle once in a blue moon, but I definitely do not care for an "I'm done beating the snot out of you, let's cuddle."

Ugh.

I do not like it in my usual mode, and I didn't like it when I was much more avid as a bottom, either. It just never made a ton of sense and felt kind of forced and rote, rather than logical.

I mean, I make sure everyone's OK, and then the service person does something nice for the service receiving person, if anything, because you're feeling lovey or whatever. If they did well, I would tell them. If they're a pet I would pet them. I think aftercare needs to be true to the relationship and not all these relationships are romantic partnerships.

I enjoyed pre-negotiated scenes as a pro that ended with me throwing his clothes at him and spitting and yelling at him "get the fuck out of my face" - and the bottom was in hog heaven too. I got rapturous thank you calls and repeat sessions. Aftercare takes myriad forms.

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm weird in that I love a cuddle, I even like an after sex cuddle once in a blue moon, but I definitely do not care for an "I'm done beating the snot out of you, let's cuddle."

Ugh.

I do not like it in my usual mode, and I didn't like it when I was much more avid as a bottom, either. It just never made a ton of sense and felt kind of forced and rote, rather than logical.

I mean, I make sure everyone's OK, and then the service person does something nice for the service receiving person, if anything, because you're feeling lovey or whatever. If they did well, I would tell them. If they're a pet I would pet them. I think aftercare needs to be true to the relationship and not all these relationships are romantic partnerships.

I enjoyed pre-negotiated scenes as a pro that ended with me throwing his clothes at him and spitting and yelling at him "get the fuck out of my face" - and the bottom was in hog heaven too. I got rapturous thank you calls and repeat sessions. Aftercare takes myriad forms.

Interesting, isn't it - I think if my in-charge guy didn't give me a lot of cuddling after he'd bruised me black & blue, I wouldn't cope very well. I guess what we need/want afterwards is linked to the reasons we're (I mean that in the general, not specific sense) doing the kinky stuff in the first place.

 

[LucyBee01]

1) Do you and your partner(s) do after care?

Yes. I think I need it more than Master, but I check he is ok too.

2) What does After Care mean to you?

For me, it depends on what the kind of play has been. Quite often, cuddling and kissing and stroking and talking is just what I need.

If it has been an intense scene, or maybe a heavy impact play scene, I need a warm blanket and chocolate and a drink, as well as the cuddles. And lots of reassurance.
And then trying not to overdo things for the next day or so, taking it easy and being kind to myself.