Laughter is Contagious V2

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Always Ask: Never Assume

A CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . .

You're NOT my flight instructor?'

 

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The Perfect Small Car For Women

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e213/ho_taint/Cli-Taurus_zpsjd3rdeym.jpg

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Cli-Taurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

 

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Prostate Exam:

After my recent Prostate Exam, which by the way was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had, the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in.

After she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear...

She said...."Who was that guy?"

 

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Yet Another Fable

I was going down the road on my motorcycle at a pretty fast clip when a rabbit hopped in front of me and I clipped him with my tire and killed him.

Well I got off my motorcycle and I was going to pick him up and move him off the road.

A blond woman in a car behind me stopped and jumped out of her car.

She went to the dead rabbit and with a spray can of some sort she sprayed the rabbit.

I know you are not going to believe this but the rabbit jumped up and started to hop away, and every so often he would turn to us and wave....he did this until he was out of sight....

I was amazed and asked her to show me the can......

It said,..."New Generation hair spray, brings dead hair back to life and adds a permanent wave"

 

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Married three times and still a virgin?

A virgin bride on her 4th wedding.

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her four the wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."

"WELL!," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,

"I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?"

"That one was a DEMOCRAT," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

 

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I was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at a little backwoods country store. In the men's room there was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which said, "Please Wiggel Handel".

Below that some wit had written, "If I do, will it wiggel Bach?"

 

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One day a boy comes home from school and says, "Dad I need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school."

The father replies, "OK, go ask your mother if she would sleep with a strange man for 1 million dollars."

So the little boy goes and asks and sure enough she says yes.

His dad says, "Now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a strange man for a million dollars."

He does and sure enough she says yes.

So the father says, "You see son, hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million bucks, but realistically we are living with a couple of whores."

 

[ga400us]

I was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at a little backwoods country store. In the men's room there was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which said, "Please Wiggel Handel".

Below that some wit had written, "If I do, will it wiggel Bach?"

That's punny!

 

[ga400us]

One day a boy comes home from school and says, "Dad I need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school."

The father replies, "OK, go ask your mother if she would sleep with a strange man for 1 million dollars."

So the little boy goes and asks and sure enough she says yes.

His dad says, "Now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a strange man for a million dollars."

He does and sure enough she says yes.

So the father says, "You see son, hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million bucks, but realistically we are living with a couple of whores."

Hee hee

 

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My wife asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"

Apparently "Only to stop myself from cuming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

 

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My wife asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"

Apparently "Only to stop myself from cuming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

 

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SONGS FOR PEOPLE OVER 40


10. Let's Get a Physical
9. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough
8. Johnny B. Olde
7. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything
6. The Lack O' Motion
5. Hair Potion Number Nine
4. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)
3. To All the Girls I've Disappointed Before
2. A Hard Day's Nap

And the Number One song for people over 40 ...
1. Knock Knock Knockin' on the Bathroom Door

 

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I just read that on average, an adult U.S. male will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.

This is very upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese!

 

[ga400us]

My wife asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"

Apparently "Only to stop myself from cuming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

SONGS FOR PEOPLE OVER 40


10. Let's Get a Physical
9. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough
8. Johnny B. Olde
7. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything
6. The Lack O' Motion
5. Hair Potion Number Nine
4. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)
3. To All the Girls I've Disappointed Before
2. A Hard Day's Nap

And the Number One song for people over 40 ...
1. Knock Knock Knockin' on the Bathroom Door

I just read that on average, an adult U.S. male will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.

This is very upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese!

Good ones!

Good seeing you here again dgo!

 

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Good ones!

Good seeing you here again dgo!

Thanks, it's good to be back.

 

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My mother and I were walking through the mall when a man stopped us to ask if we would take part in a survey. One of the questions was; "Do you think there is too much sex in movies?"

"I don't know," replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped up in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."

 

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Question: If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?

 

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An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'

 

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One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a young woman standing next to him smiling.

Noticing the rather distinct bulge she asked, "What do you have in your pocket?"

"Tennis ball," the man said, smiling back.

"Wow!" said the woman looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was terrible!"

 

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Us Older Folks

Garage Door.
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more...!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

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Wisdom

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is…"I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Life is great. I have more friends & Family I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

 

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The Seminar

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?”

All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?” Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.

The women then were told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.”

The women then were instructed to exchange phones with another person in the group, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response to their message.

Below are 12 replies; some are hilarious. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love … who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don’t understand … what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
8. Don’t beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

 

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A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?”

All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?” Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.

The women then were told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.”

The women then were instructed to exchange phones with another person in the group, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response to their message.

Below are 12 replies; some are hilarious. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love … who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don’t understand … what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
8. Don’t beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

Funny!

 

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At the end of their first date, a young man takes the girl back to her home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a good night kiss?"

Embarrassed, she replies, "Oh, I couldn’t do that. My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. I would just die of embarrassment if someone saw us."

"Oh come on, there's nobody around; they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please! I like you so much!!"

"No. I like you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"NO, no. I just can't."

"Pleeeeease?..."

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

 

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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No, Salty."

Mom Fainted.