Being a Dom mean being a jerk?

[Lord_Steve]

I've been on both sides of this. And what rings true and makes sense to me from both sides is, you catch more flies with honey. And exactly how does one go about establishing trust without kindness? A Dom's job is not to tell me what I want and when to take it. It is to listen to me, anticipate my needs, and fulfill them. If part of that desire on my part is to be told what I want and when to take it, then that's all well and good. But there's no shortcut to getting there.

Just my two cents

i agree with this.

there is a clear difference between "being a dom" and "sadism". some subs are into sadism, and i wish them every joy.

 

[Que]

I won't go into websites I was using. (Not familiar with this site rules) But I was chatting with submissive women.

One thing that was always conflicting for me. Is apologizing and being considerate not typical of a Dominant person?

There is a difference being appropriately apologetic and being obsequious.

Also, coming from a dominant frame of reference is not the same thing as comporting one's behavior and communications to some preconceived notion of what a dominant 'should' be like. It is merely a label on a continuum on how you come across to other people. A person can display dominant appearing traits in one area of their life and submissive traits in other areas.

 

[CJT]

Help

Just a thought, A Dom's only priority is his/her sub. I understand your rush as your "child" had a serious issue. But in reality, contrary to what some have posted, to be a good Dom, you tailor yourself to what your sub needs. Some subs want the demanding, harsh rule of a Dom. I generally call this a Master/slave relationship. Some subs need more attention, some less.

In a Master/slave relationship apology wouldn't be expected. In a Dom/sub relationship it would not be uncommon to be Gentlemanly, so an apology would show that you are taking your bottom's feeling into consideration. You wouldn't want your sub to think he/she had done something to upset you.

In my opinion, a Dom's only role is to please his sub, a sub's only role is to please their Dom. If you ever look at the BDSM it is circular with three waves, I take that as meaning everything comes full circle in a proper relationship.

Just my thoughts.

CJT

 

[SpunThings]

Just a thought, A Dom's only priority is his/her sub. I understand your rush as your "child" had a serious issue. But in reality, contrary to what some have posted, to be a good Dom, you tailor yourself to what your sub needs. Some subs want the demanding, harsh rule of a Dom. I generally call this a Master/slave relationship. Some subs need more attention, some less.

In a Master/slave relationship apology wouldn't be expected. In a Dom/sub relationship it would not be uncommon to be Gentlemanly, so an apology would show that you are taking your bottom's feeling into consideration. You wouldn't want your sub to think he/she had done something to upset you.

In my opinion, a Dom's only role is to please his sub, a sub's only role is to please their Dom. If you ever look at the BDSM it is circular with three waves, I take that as meaning everything comes full circle in a proper relationship.

Just my thoughts.

CJT

Are you talking about adultswith real lives, and jobs, and families, and health of their own to consider? Most people have lots of priorities in life.

 

[CJT]

Are you talking about adultswith real lives, and jobs, and families, and health of their own to consider? Most people have lots of priorities in life.

I was referring to dealing with your sub, I am fully aware of the real life. Balancing theBDSM world with the vanilla world, kids, jobs, auto repairs etc. I was referring to the direct dealing with the bottom, when doing so, the sub's needs take priority. Like when doing a session or scene. This all started when the original blogger was online with a sub in the middle of a "session". He felt the need to apologize when he returned and asked if that meant he wasn't being a Dom. I was referring to that.

 

[SpunThings]

I was referring to dealing with your sub, I am fully aware of the real life. Balancing theBDSM world with the vanilla world, kids, jobs, auto repairs etc. I was referring to the direct dealing with the bottom, when doing so, the sub's needs take priority. Like when doing a session or scene. This all started when the original blogger was online with a sub in the middle of a "session". He felt the need to apologize when he returned and asked if that meant he wasn't being a Dom. I was referring to that.

I know what the thread is about, I've read the whole way through. In fact I think this thread isa great example of not juggling a personal relationship with the shit life throws at you effectively . I think it's ridiculous to say that makes him not a dom. The only person who gets to say that is the person choising the label. If someone is in a relationship that is nothing like you described (which I find a bit narrow and one-true-way like) and calls themselves a dom, there is no one who can stop them. Sure people can disagree, but that won't necessarily change the relationship, and it may not have any bearing on how that person chooses to identify.

 

[CJT]

I know what the thread is about, I've read the whole way through. In fact I think this thread isa great example of not juggling a personal relationship with the shit life throws at you effectively . I think it's ridiculous to say that makes him not a dom. The only person who gets to say that is the person choising the label. If someone is in a relationship that is nothing like you described (which I find a bit narrow and one-true-way like) and calls themselves a dom, there is no one who can stop them. Sure people can disagree, but that won't necessarily change the relationship, and it may not have any bearing on how that person chooses to identify.

Couldn't agree with you more, there is so much to the lifestyle. It's like a vanilla relationship though, you have to have the right matching participants to make it really fulfilling. If one person isn't your cup of tea or you aren't on the same page then move on and continue looking to find someone more your match. A Dom is what he wants to be, he just has to find a sub that matches the same desires and vice versa.

If a sub wants a harsh master but the Dom isn't into that then they will both be unhappy and unsatisfied. My advice to him was to just go with what he believes is the right thing. If he felt the need to apologize it didn't make him any less of a Dom. It was polite, it also let the sub know that it wasn't her/him.

I have talked to subs who are trying the online relationship and worry that they have angered him in some fashion if he suddenly stops talking to him. So his apology was appropriate in that it let the sub know the issue wasn't them.

 

[kittiGoddess]

Apology shows strength=Dom

iMHO it takes strength to admit you were wrong or to empathize and apologize. That strength is what I love in a Dom. Unfortunately for me I have found that the statement Dom=jerk to be very true, a total disregard for my feelings.
Don't let anybody tell you that you are not a true Dom just because you care, I wish there were more of you out there. Are you perhaps what is classified as a Daddy Dom, I am not sure as I am new to that dynamic and have just started to explore it myself as I am too fragile (mentally and emotionally) for the less caring D/s relationships that I have encountered.

 

[Blue]

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[richard_daily]

When I would come back and apologize I was told I am not a real Dom. Dom's don't apologize they just do what they want and there submissive know there place.

Adult's apologize if they've done something wrong.

However, there are some submissives who want their BDSM life to extend outside of the bedroom, and that's likely what you encountered, but I wouldn't let it bother you... If you ask 100 submissives what makes a dominant, you're going to get 100 different answers. Not everyone is a match for everyone, even if they are on complimentary sides of the equation (top / bottom, sub / dominant).

 

[Freya_Gin]

I was raised to be very polite, so yes, I suppose I apologize a lot. Anyone who thinks that means I'm weak or a pushover--or especially not a "real" Domme--learns just how mistaken they were very quickly.

From reading this thread, it sounds to me like some subs think real Dominants are naturally jerks. Nothing could be further from the truth. A real Dominant is self-assured and confident enough to own up to their mistakes without feeling diminished by admitting them. Most jerky Dominants are like that because they think that being a Dominant entitles them to be jerks to people. Beware that attitude! That's a trait of an abuser, not a true Dominant.

 

[MarianneRavenwood]

There is a lot of overlap but they don't have to be.

 

[Mzee_]

"Being a Dom mean being a jerk?"

The question itself bothers me because, for me at least, the answer to it is simple.

No, being Dominant in a D/s relationship does not mean you/they are a jerk.

I don't feel there is much else to say on the matter, it doesn't require justification but I will point out that..

Scene orientation is not defined by ill manners, just as it is not defined by sexual acts, gender, age, height etc.

-Mzee.