My wife and I are new to the Dom sub thing. Tips?

[jacoblee697]

I'm looking for advice as to how to implement my wife's submission into our everyday life. We're very busy so it's hard

 

[MeekMe]

I'm looking for advice as to how to implement my wife's submission into our everyday life. We're very busy so it's hard

This is pretty general and not easy to answer. Check out the library and recent threads to see what it is you like.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=266656

There are a lot of resources and they can help you narrow down your questions to something more specific. Also, check out Stella's writing as it breaks down some useful terms.

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=42017419&postcount=148

And if you're curious about the different kinds of relationships, check out the thread in my signature.

 

[jacoblee697]

This is pretty general and not easy to answer. Check out the library and recent threads to see what it is you like.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=266656

There are a lot of resources and they can help you narrow down your questions to something more specific. Also, check out Stella's writing as it breaks down some useful terms.

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=42017419&postcount=148

And if you're curious about the different kinds of relationships, check out the thread in my signature.

shes a hotwife but submissive. We talk about all kinds of shit. We've had threesomes with other women but mostly
Just men. She tends to give me a hard tkme about women. Kinda my fault tho. And even the other Guys is mostly my idea. She loves to be used and dominated. Told what to do, called a slut, spanked etc. have even don't some sugar daddy situations. Maybe you have some advice how I can bring bother women back into the picture. Right now the focus is on sharing her and tryin to figure out how this submissive thing can work into out busy lives...

 

[Harold_Hill]

shes a hotwife but submissive. We talk about all kinds of shit. We've had threesomes with other women but mostly
Just men. She tends to give me a hard tkme about women. Kinda my fault tho. And even the other Guys is mostly my idea. She loves to be used and dominated. Told what to do, called a slut, spanked etc. have even don't some sugar daddy situations. Maybe you have some advice how I can bring bother women back into the picture. Right now the focus is on sharing her and tryin to figure out how this submissive thing can work into out busy lives...

To get what you want, you are going to have to work on yourself. If you are truly Dominant, and very comfortable in that role, and your submissive wife accepts you in that role, and feels very secure in her marriage to you, (and the operative word here is secure), she is more likely to follow her Dom's wishes to please you. Also keep in mind, if a submissive is married to her Dom, any women you bring into your home/bedroom, should be submissive to your wife. She is her Dom's wife, and number 2 in Dominance. Also, any man you bring into your home/bedroom should be submissive to you, (you are the Dom), and by your choice, Dominant or submissive to your wife.

 

[jacoblee697]

To get what you want, you are going to have to work on yourself. If you are truly Dominant, and very comfortable in that role, and your submissive wife accepts you in that role, and feels very secure in her marriage to you, (and the operative word here is secure), she is more likely to follow her Dom's wishes to please you. Also keep in mind, if a submissive is married to her Dom, any women you bring into your home/bedroom, should be submissive to your wife. She is her Dom's wife, and number 2 in Dominance. Also, any man you bring into your home/bedroom should be submissive to you, (you are the Dom), and by your choice, Dominant or submissive to your wife.

thank you. We mainly play just her with other guys. Any advice how to get her to allow women in?

 

[Harold_Hill]

thank you. We mainly play just her with other guys. Any advice how to get her to allow women in?

Like I said, if you are truly Dominant, and she is very secure in her marriage to you, she is likely to please her Dom in whatever way he wishes. Think of being Dom as being a leader, rather than a Boss. She must look up to you, respect you, and want to please you as her Dom/Leader. A submissive wife will allow another women in her bed, not to please herself, but to please her Dom. You must become the Dom that she wishes to please and serve. There is nothing you can do to change her, you have said she is already submissive. What else would you have her do? You are the one who must learn and grow.

 

[jacoblee697]

Like I said, if you are truly Dominant, and she is very secure in her marriage to you, she is likely to please her Dom in whatever way he wishes. Think of being Dom as being a leader, rather than a Boss. She must look up to you, respect you, and want to please you as her Dom/Leader. A submissive wife will allow another women in her bed, not to please herself, but to please her Dom. You must become the Dom that she wishes to please/serve. There is nothing you can do to change her, you have said she is already submissive. What else would you have her do? You are the one who must learn and grow.

she is. Maybe I should say to an extent. She's a very independent and busy woman and if often tired, makes it kinda hard. But I mean we talk about it and she likes the idea. I know she likes being used/ dominated in bed and does love to please me

 

[Harold_Hill]

she is. Maybe I should say to an extent. She's a very independent and busy woman and if often tired, makes it kinda hard. But I mean we talk about it and she likes the idea. I know she likes being used/ dominated in bed and does love to please me

Submissive women are often strong and independent. You don't want her to be submissive to every person who comes along, you want her to be submissive only to you. Pleasing their Dom is what submissives do. It is how they find fulfillment in life. You must be the Dom she wants to serve. Also keep in mind, she doesn't have to be submissive every minute of the day. only when the time is right for both of you.

 

[jacoblee697]

Submissive women are often strong and independent. You don't want her to be submissive to every person who comes along, you want her to be submissive only to you. Pleasing their Dom is what submissives do. It is how they find fulfillment in life. You must be the Dom she wants to serve. Also keep in mind, she doesn't have to be submissive every minute of the day. only when the time is right for both of you.

i can be very dominant. But other ones I feel very i dominat like two or three nights in a row when she's too tired to please me. And she's willing but I feel like it's a bad idea if she's not actually wanting it. I feel like she would end up kinda resenting it. Maybe you have some good beginners rules or tips. Something to help with the fact that's she's so busy would be nice. Hard to feel dominat when the sex begins to feel scheduled

 

[Harold_Hill]

i can be very dominant. But other ones I feel very i dominat like two or three nights in a row when she's too tired to please me. And she's willing but I feel like it's a bad idea if she's not actually wanting it. I feel like she would end up kinda resenting it. Maybe you have some good beginners rules or tips. Something to help with the fact that's she's so busy would be nice. Hard to feel dominat when the sex begins to feel scheduled

For the Dom, just about everything is scheduled. If she is tired and wants to rest, leave her be and let her rest. She doesn't have to be submissive to you every minute of the day. First thing you have to learn is what being Dominant and submissive means.

A woman can be a manager at work, or even own a business, and in charge of everything. However, this level of responsibility is wearing on a woman who has submissive tendencies. A Dom takes responsibility for his submissive. Even though taking complete responsibility for your wife/sub doesn't change what she does in her daily routine, it takes the stress off of her just knowing that you are there to protect her. It is unlikely that you will ever have to beat anyone up to protect her, the submissive just needs to feel your presence as her protector. When she feels this, she can let go of her stress. When she is able to let go of the pressures of life, then she can submit to you fully.

Being Dom doesn't mean that you micro-manage her life, it is usually just making small decisions. She may ask you one morning: "should I wear the red or the blue dress today?" Or she may come home after work and say: " should we have lasagna or steak for dinner?" Make the decision so she doesn't have to. Communication is the key. Continually listen to her when she talks so you will know how to make the right decision.

When your sub has complete faith in you making the right decision, she will submit to whatever you wish, because she knows whatever you decide will be best for her. When your sub has complete faith in your decisions, and you want to bring another woman into the bedroom, make the decision. It is not her decision to make, it is the Dom's decision. Don't dump that decision/responsibility on the sub. When you pick the second women, make sure she is submissive to both you and your wife, and will do what it takes to please/pleasure your wife. And your wife being your sub, will do what it takes to please/pleasure you. As a Dom, your decisions must bring your sub happiness. If your wife want's to be Dominated in bed, then direct the woman, (or man), to Dominate her in bed. Your the Dom, it's your decision.

Being Dom is not a set of rules, it is a life philosophy, it is who you are. You are asking for a shortcut, and there are no shortcuts. You must make yourself into the Dom she needs.

 

[jacoblee697]

For the Dom, just about everything is scheduled. If she is tired and wants to rest, leave her be and let her rest. She doesn't have to be submissive to you every minute of the day. First thing you have to learn is what being Dominant and submissive means.

A woman can be a manager at work, or even own a business, and in charge of everything. However, this level of responsibility is wearing on a woman who has submissive tendencies. A Dom takes responsibility for his submissive. Even though taking complete responsibility for your wife/sub doesn't change what she does in her daily routine, it takes the stress off of her just knowing that you are there to protect her. It is unlikely that you will ever have to beat anyone up to protect her, the submissive just needs to feel your presence as her protector. When she feels this, she can let go of her stress. When she is able to let go of the pressures of life, then she can submit to you fully.

Being Dom doesn't mean that you micro-manage her life, it is usually just making small decisions. She may ask you one morning: "should I wear the red or the blue dress today?" Or she may come home after work and say: " should we have lasagna or steak for dinner?" Make the decision so she doesn't have to. Communication is the key. Continually listen to her when she talks so you will know how to make the right decision.

When your sub has complete faith in you making the right decision, she will submit to whatever you wish, because she knows whatever you decide will be best for her. When your sub has complete faith in your decisions, and you want to bring another woman into the bedroom, make the decision. It is not her decision to make, it is the Dom's decision. Don't dump that decision/responsibility on the sub. When you pick the second women, make sure she is submissive to both you and your wife, and will do what it takes to please/pleasure your wife. And your wife being your sub, will do what it takes to please/pleasure you. As a Dom, your decisions must bring your sub happiness. If your wife want's to be Dominated in bed, then direct the woman, (or man), to Dominate her in bed. Your the Dom, it's your decision.

Being Dom is not a set of rules, it is a life philosophy, it is who you are. You are asking for a shortcut, and there are no shortcuts. You must make yourself into the Dom she needs.

ok but for example she would never go fore to just decide to bring a woman home. That would be suicide. What does that mean or how is that to be interpreted? Does that mean we're not truly a Dom sub relationship? Or were just not there yet? I mean surely a woman can be submissive and still not want another woman in her bed. Or when she's so often tired that I go without how can that be dominant? Cuz I inderstamd that of she's tired I should let her rest but like I said she's so often too tired that I often go without. I mean is that really someone being a submissive? So I kinda think it just won't work

 

[Harold_Hill]

ok but for example she would never go fore to just decide to bring a woman home. That would be suicide. What does that mean or how is that to be interpreted? Does that mean we're not truly a Dom sub relationship? Or were just not there yet? I mean surely a woman can be submissive and still not want another woman in her bed. Or when she's so often tired that I go without how can that be dominant? Cuz I inderstamd that of she's tired I should let her rest but like I said she's so often too tired that I often go without. I mean is that really someone being a submissive? So I kinda think it just won't work

It means you are just not there yet. Communication is the key. A Dom doesn't just spring things on his sub. You talk to her so you will know what she can an cannot handle. Communication. If she is tired a lot, maybe she needs a less stressful routine or maybe a less stressful job. Sometimes for a Dom, decision making comes across as giving advice.

Training a sub is also important. Getting what you want as a Dom can be a lengthy process, and being so, you may have to start with small steps. For example: a Dom may require his sub to give him oral sex when she gets home after work, tired or not. Drop to her knees and take his cock. It's not about sex, it's about submission. It is a way of getting her used to submitting on a daily basis. When she accepts, (or gets used to), submitting on one step, then you push her limits, and get her used to doing something more.

Have you asked her if she really wants to be in a D/s marriage?

 

[KoPilot]

ok but for example she would never go fore to just decide to bring a woman home. That would be suicide. What does that mean or how is that to be interpreted?

If she's not into it, she's not into it.

Does that mean we're not truly a Dom sub relationship? Or were just not there yet? I mean surely a woman can be submissive and still not want another woman in her bed.

It's not like porn-- some doms and subs are monogamous. Some have their sexual preferences. I know you said you've shared her with other men, which she enjoyed, but lots of dudes would never go for that, and this is rarely ever as much of a hangup. She may just really be deeply uninterested in the idea.

Or when she's so often tired that I go without how can that be dominant? Cuz I inderstamd that of she's tired I should let her rest but like I said she's so often too tired that I often go without. I mean is that really someone being a submissive?

Being dominant doesn't mean being aggressive and demanding all the time forever. Think of it in terms of the four elements: earth, air, water fire. Each one is strong and powerful in its own way, and each responds to obstacles differently than the other. A rock-like dom might be unyielding beyond a small number of requirements and make few other demands. A fiery dom might be intense and aggressive in getting their desires met, or want to try lots of new things all the time. An airy dom might be the softest, but exert a subtle and consistent influence. And so on.

Does your style of dominance necessitate that she serve you when you want it with little room for compromise? Or are you OK with compromising often? Neither way is "better" or "truer" than another.

So I kinda think it just won't work

You need to talk about each others' expectations is what needs to happen. What does dominance and submission mean for you, what do you want your dynamic to look like, what are needs that absolutely have to be met, and so on.

 

[katalynn]

She tends to give me a hard tkme about women. Kinda my fault tho.

You said this in your first response... How is it your fault? If the issue of other women was your fault in whatever fashion, you need to talk to her about it and reassure of whatever issue, won't happen again.

I am mono with my relationship to Daddy because I found out recently just how jealous I am. I have been with him for 10 yrs now, going on 11 and extremly secure in the relationship. It ended up being little things that got me jealous. However, at that same time, I do think given the chance again and perhaps the right female, I could work with it.

It could be that she is just picky about women. For me personally, I am very, very picky when it comes to women. I don't get along with many just being simple friends, let alone take them home and into bed. Perhaps it's just about finding the right female for her.

My Daddy is very dominate, but majority of the time we don't play during the week because he is tired from working all day, our sub/dom is 24/7 but when it comes to play time, it's the weekends mostly. Just because he goes w/out doesn't make him any less dominate. Or anyone else for that matter. When I'm tired or not feeling good, he lets me rest because he know how grouchy I can get. Doesn't make him any less dominate..

In the end though, you said it was your fault that she stresses about other woman... whatever that issue was... That is something you need to address.

 

[IrisAlthea]

shes a hotwife but submissive. We talk about all kinds of shit. We've had threesomes with other women but mostly
Just men. She tends to give me a hard tkme about women. Kinda my fault tho. And even the other Guys is mostly my idea. She loves to be used and dominated. Told what to do, called a slut, spanked etc. have even don't some sugar daddy situations. Maybe you have some advice how I can bring bother women back into the picture. Right now the focus is on sharing her and tryin to figure out how this submissive thing can work into out busy lives...

The bolded part of your post doesn't necessarily seem to indicate someone who wants to work the submissive thing into a busy life.
It seems to have to do with what she wants in sexual situations.

Even if it turns out that she is submissive in general life and does things to please you, it doesn't mean that sex with others is ever going to be more than your idea, as you put it.
If she has been ok with trying it several times in different ways, even if she doesn't seem very enthusiastic and there have been problematic situations with other women, perhaps you have to realize that this is never going to be hot for her? She might already be meeting you way more than half way even?

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

Maybe she simply isn't bi.

Turn it the other way, how do you feel about sexual play with another man? that is you playing, not her.

It's less easy in that context.

Force this type of thing and you will lose her, bit by bit.
Unless she fully embraces it, don't go there.

 

[Dyslexicea]

Maybe she simply isn't bi.

Turn it the other way, how do you feel about sexual play with another man? that is you playing, not her.

It's less easy in that context.

Force this type of thing and you will lose her, bit by bit.
Unless she fully embraces it, don't go there.

I stress the word force, D/s in not built on the use of force or coercion, instead it's based on consent. I consent to give, in my case her, certain powers in our relationship, subject to my limits. I have limits, as a matter of fact she also has limits. As submissives we all retain the right to withdraw our consent to any relationship if those limits are violated. A violation of limits is not only violating consent but also a violation of trust.

When your sub has complete faith in you making the right decision, she will submit to whatever you wish, because she knows whatever you decide will be best for her. When your sub has complete faith in your decisions, and you want to bring another woman into the bedroom, make the decision. It is not her decision to make, it is the Dom's decision. Don't dump that decision/responsibility on the sub. When you pick the second women, make sure she is submissive to both you and your wife, and will do what it takes to please/pleasure your wife. And your wife being your sub, will do what it takes to please/pleasure you. As a Dom, your decisions must bring your sub happiness. If your wife want's to be Dominated in bed, then direct the woman, (or man), to Dominate her in bed. Your the Dom, it's your decision.

In my opinion, this kind of advice is going to end up with you in divorce court! We all, everyone of us, have limits, pushing someone past those limits is not D/s it's abuse.

Limits may change, they may become less restrictive, in some case more restrictive but your wife is always going to have limits. Maybe you can push her past those limits with physical or mental abuse but that isn't what D/s is about.

In good relationships, any kind of relationship, people communicate. I'm wondering if you've even asked your wife if she's interested in having a D/s relationship outside of the bedroom?

 

[Harold_Hill]

When your sub has complete faith in you making the right decision, she will submit to whatever you wish, because she knows whatever you decide will be best for her. When your sub has complete faith in your decisions, and you want to bring another woman into the bedroom, make the decision. It is not her decision to make, it is the Dom's decision. Don't dump that decision/responsibility on the sub. When you pick the second women, make sure she is submissive to both you and your wife, and will do what it takes to please/pleasure your wife. And your wife being your sub, will do what it takes to please/pleasure you. As a Dom, your decisions must bring your sub happiness. If your wife wants to be Dominated in bed, then direct the woman, (or man), to Dominate her in bed. You're the Dom, it's your decision.

In my opinion, this kind of advice is going to end up with you in divorce court! We all, everyone of us, have limits, pushing someone past those limits is not D/s it's abuse.

Limits may change, they may become less restrictive, in some case more restrictive but your wife is always going to have limits. Maybe you can push her past those limits with physical or mental abuse but that isn't what D/s is about.

In good relationships, any kind of relationship, people communicate. I'm wondering if you've even asked your wife if she's interested in having a D/s relationship outside of the bedroom?

In retrospect, I should have made my point more clear. I made the mistaken assumption that the OP had already asked his wife if she wanted to be in a D/s marriage, which it appears now that he hasn't even discussed this possibility with her. If he has not discussed this possibility with his wife, and she has not consented and fully supports this kind of marriage, then my point is moot.

Also I will clarify the context of the phrase, "push the subs limits". In many D/s relationships/marriages, the sub may want to try something new, but is held back by fear. Pushing the subs limits in this context is neither force nor coercion, rather it is taking control and pushing the sub passed his/her fears, enabling him/her to embrace what they wanted in the first place. This is done with a full knowledge and consent of the sub.

Every person is different, and being so, every D/S relationship/marriage is different. Where some subs are offended by having their limits pushed, (and feel they are forced are coerced), other subs crave it.

Everything in context.

 

[ArthurW]

Dom/sub you two want to stay together. You talk about everything. Both of you need to try both roles. Why you need to both understand what happens as a Dom as well as a sub. Any good Dom will try the sub role if they don't they are they are a person with blinders on and that suck. That makes them a want be.

 

[MeekMe]

Dom/sub you two want to stay together. You talk about everything. Both of you need to try both roles. Why you need to both understand what happens as a Dom as well as a sub. Any good Dom will try the sub role if they don't they are they are a person with blinders on and that suck. That makes them a want be.

^^^Not true. No one has to "try both roles." I know for sure I'm submissive and have no desire at all to be dominant. It's never bad to learn about both sides, but it doesn't have to be acted out to understand something.

 

[Harold_Hill]

^^^Not true. No one has to "try both roles." I know for sure I'm submissive and have no desire at all to be dominant. It's never bad to learn about both sides, but it doesn't have to be acted out to understand something.

I agree. I am Dominant, and have never had any desire to be submissive.

 

[SpunThings]

Dom/sub you two want to stay together. You talk about everything. Both of you need to try both roles. Why you need to both understand what happens as a Dom as well as a sub. Any good Dom will try the sub role if they don't they are they are a person with blinders on and that suck. That makes them a want be.

I have to chime in and say I agree with the two previous posters that this isn't necessarily true. All I have to do is think about being a Domme to my husband to know it's not right for me. I'd be all stressed and worried about whether he was enjoying what I was doing, or if it was too much, or not enough, or whatever. I wouldn't be enjoying myself!

 

[subwannabe]

That's where a safe word comes in. If he doesn't use the safeword then you know he likes it and that you haven't gone too far so therefore you shouldn't feel that way. Respectfully, that's just a lame excuse because you really don't want to do it. While that is your right you should at least be honest about it instead of coming up with a lame excuse.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I have to chime in and say I agree with the two previous posters that this isn't necessarily true. All I have to do is think about being a Domme to my husband to know it's not right for me. I'd be all stressed and worried about whether he was enjoying what I was doing, or if it was too much, or not enough, or whatever. I wouldn't be enjoying myself!

That's where a safe word comes in. If he doesn't use the safeword then you know he likes it and that you haven't gone too far so therefore you shouldn't feel that way. Respectfully, that's just a lame excuse because you really don't want to do it. While that is your right you should at least be honest about it instead of coming up with a lame excuse.

Why do you see it as an excuse, when you aknowledge that she does not need one to decide what she does and doesn't want?

Telling people how they should feel rarely works well anyway, if ever.

 

[FurryFury]

You will want to sprint, don't do so before learning to crawl, then walk, then run.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Have fun.

Expect to mess up. Forgive. Try again.