Intimidating

[temp256]

People tell me I'm intimidating. Certainly not intentionally, but it has been independently corroborated. I'm wondering if it might be part of the reason I've had such trouble with dating.

Physically, I'm a very thin, but very tall woman. Taller than most men. While there's nothing I can do about it, I'm sure my height alone is partially responsible.

The really intimidating factor is my intelligence. I'm a cross-disciplinary engineer with many exciting projects. I'm regularly told I'm the smartest person someone has met. While flattering, apparently the intimidation factor is too much for most people.

I've tried to account for intimidation. I'm definitely not conceited, and I either don't mention, or downplay my skills as much as possible. I take a strong interest in what other people enjoy, and praise them for it. Despite my efforts, people ranging from former dates, to employers, to acquaintances I've just met have all called me intimidating.

What can I do? This situation is very lonely.

Edit: I forgot to mention: I like girls.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

People tell me I'm intimidating. Certainly not intentionally, but it has been independently corroborated. I'm wondering if it might be part of the reason I've had such trouble with dating.

Physically, I'm a very thin, but very tall woman. Taller than most men. While there's nothing I can do about it, I'm sure my height alone is partially responsible.

The really intimidating factor is my intelligence. I'm a cross-disciplinary engineer with many exciting projects. I'm regularly told I'm the smartest person someone has met. While flattering, apparently the intimidation factor is too much for most people.

I've tried to account for intimidation. I'm definitely not conceited, and I either don't mention, or downplay my skills as much as possible. I take a strong interest in what other people enjoy, and praise them for it. Despite my efforts, people ranging from former dates, to employers, to acquaintances I've just met have all called me intimidating.

What can I do? This situation is very lonely.

Yours is a common struggle for smart people. Others are intimidated or they demand you be in awe of them. But there are people comfortable and appreciative of you just as you are. Be pleasant and the scardy cats will find some courage to approach you.

 

[Cumference]

Being a sapiophile (and happily married to a woman who can cater for that perversion ) all I can say is: it can be done.

Go where people meet..... But if you want a match that does not run away the moment he/she realizes that you are smart, you should probably not choose your hunting grounds too close to the beer kegs.

 

[Primalex]

Physically, I'm a very thin, but very tall woman. Taller than most men. While there's nothing I can do about it, I'm sure my height alone is partially responsible.

The really intimidating factor is my intelligence. I'm a cross-disciplinary engineer with many exciting projects. I'm regularly told I'm the smartest person someone has met. While flattering, apparently the intimidation factor is too much for most people.
[...]
This situation is very lonely.

It's unlikely that it is the intelligence - well, not per se. It is the self-confidence that comes with it. And with the self-confidence comes the body language, especially the way we walk or sit in a meeting. And as intelligent person you do listen intensely, this makes people worry what is going on in your brain, making them feel insecure.

What can I do?

Emphasize your weaknesses and exploit those traits that are typically viewed as feminine, like...a love for shoes.

 

[lovecraft68]

You need to date woman. Men are too insecure, between your height (men are supposed to be taller dammit!) your intellect (men are supposed to be smarter dammit) and your self confidence (women are supposed to feel lucky I am talking to them!) ....you're going to have to look far and wide for a guy secure enough to date you and accept all of your "alpha traits"

 

[pplwatching]

.....

 

[Kelleebabes]

People tell me I'm intimidating. Certainly not intentionally, but it has been independently corroborated. I'm wondering if it might be part of the reason I've had such trouble with dating.

Physically, I'm a very thin, but very tall woman. Taller than most men. While there's nothing I can do about it, I'm sure my height alone is partially responsible.

The really intimidating factor is my intelligence. I'm a cross-disciplinary engineer with many exciting projects. I'm regularly told I'm the smartest person someone has met. While flattering, apparently the intimidation factor is too much for most people.

I've tried to account for intimidation. I'm definitely not conceited, and I either don't mention, or downplay my skills as much as possible. I take a strong interest in what other people enjoy, and praise them for it. Despite my efforts, people ranging from former dates, to employers, to acquaintances I've just met have all called me intimidating.

What can I do? This situation is very lonely.

I've been told I'm intimidating too...that's so not me...I'm told I'm too confident ...confidences is sexy...people just aren't used to a bigger... voluptuous woman embracing and celebrating their lives... so tall is sexy...smart is way sexy...don't change a thing about you...you're sexy!

 

[SweetErika]

How are your voice and body language? My dad is 6'5" and often comes across as intimidating to me because he has kind of a booming voice and he stands just a touch too close for my comfort (which also makes it even more apparent that he's towering over me). It's not a single thing that's intimidating, it's several factors combined.

Could you ask a friend [who can see how you might be interpreted as intimidating] to look at your voice, body language, and anything else that might stand out as intimidating? Or ask someone to go on a mock date with you and give you constructive feedback? You can't do anything about your stature, but perhaps there are some subtle adjustments you can make to your voice, body language, appearance, etc., to soften the impressions you make a bit. You may need to work on exuding more feminine energy (I know that my energy can read masculine sometimes, so that's something I watch in myself). If you can't figure it out, down the line it might be worth checking in with an image consultant or a talented acting coach to further hone your 'soft' skills.

 

[shiny5437]

Tall intelligent get my vote.

I have no other good advice.

 

[fire_breeze]

People tell me I'm intimidating. Certainly not intentionally, but it has been independently corroborated. I'm wondering if it might be part of the reason I've had such trouble with dating.

Physically, I'm a very thin, but very tall woman. Taller than most men. While there's nothing I can do about it, I'm sure my height alone is partially responsible.

The really intimidating factor is my intelligence. I'm a cross-disciplinary engineer with many exciting projects. I'm regularly told I'm the smartest person someone has met. While flattering, apparently the intimidation factor is too much for most people.

I've tried to account for intimidation. I'm definitely not conceited, and I either don't mention, or downplay my skills as much as possible. I take a strong interest in what other people enjoy, and praise them for it. Despite my efforts, people ranging from former dates, to employers, to acquaintances I've just met have all called me intimidating.

What can I do? This situation is very lonely.

You're probably a bit like me, where in our formative teenage years, we sort of developed a chip on our shoulders as a way to shield ourselves. That chip, unfortunately, can be off putting. It has nothing to with intelligence. It has everything to do with attitude. I will say this though: now that you know, and if you decide to change it, you always now how to be intimidating when the situation calls for it. And it will. Being intimidating in certain situations can be a useful tool to have - when it is called for.

I really do suggest that you read pplwatching's post, as it has good tips, but I'd like to add one of my own that I found helped me to liberate my chip(it was really a block) from my shoulder: be approachable. Ask questions. Learn from what the other has to say. Even if you know it, discuss. Share ideas. Don't wait for people to approach you, approach them (as an introvert, I know how difficult it can be but it has to be done) And don't be afraid of making a mistake. It makes you that much more approachable. Smile, laugh. And never ever apologise for your intelligence. your intelligence is who you are, and that you should never be ashamed of.

It gets easier.bThe first few months will tough, but it gets easier

 

[midwestyankee]

Go spend a month posting on the General Board here. It's likely that will teach you a great deal about how to survive among and, possibly, appeal to the weaker and less intelligent types. [/insidejoke]

 

[silverwhisper]

temp, while it's good that people are independently corroborating the intimidating effect you have, the really key thing to identify here is the why, and it doesn't seem you've gotten that.

but i absolutely disagree with any advice suggesting you downplay any of your positive traits. the men who are intimidated by your intelligence and confidence are not the kinds of men who can appreciate you on your own terms--and honestly, isn't that what we all deserve?

you've already gotten some very good advice from the others--that's one thing this particular corner of lit is very good at.

please do keep us posted as you develop and implement a plan.

ed

 

[Emerson40]

Go spend a month posting on the General Board here. It's likely that will teach you a great deal about how to survive among and, possibly, appeal to the weaker and less intelligent types. [/insidejoke]

Now you gone done it.

Jelly will be here soon, with her cheery smile, Nickelback cd, and pom-poms.
[/inside-insidejoke]

 

[midwestyankee]

Now you gone done it.

Jelly will be here soon, with her cheery smile, Nickelback cd, and pom-poms.
[/inside-insidejoke]

Fuck the cheerleader. Well, actually, that's usually a pretty good idea.

 

[LallyH]

I'm only 5 ft 4, but I get called intimidating, too

To be honest, I cultivate it - it's useful for me in my work, although it can spill over inconveniently into social settings too. I know that it's the way that I talk, and the expression on my face. I'm shy, so I hide it under a slightly aggressive, abrupt manner of speech if I'm in a potentially hostile situation, and my smile, if used at all in these circumstances, does not extend to my eyes.

When I don't wish to intimidate, I soften the timbre of my voice, smile more readily, speak more slowly and I don't stare into people's eyes.

I do feel that it is more likely to be your body language rather than your intelligence, particularly as you mention that you've got this comment from people who you have only just met.

 

[Que]

G. Gorden Liddy and Howard Ruff both chose their wives for having traits as you describe.

I am the male counterpoint to your dilema. I am 5'8" and 150 lbs. You would think that I would have my best prospects amongst little 5'0" spinners. Not so. Have you ever noticed that the really short girls always seem to end up with the 6'4" power forwards? My operating theory is it is the herd trying to achieve a reduction in outliers.

I approach everyone I am even moderately interested in. I realize as a woman the dynamic is not to approach, but it is analogous. When I can get a girl taller than me to be displaying even some modest interest it raises my value in the room. Nothing says "what's he packing?" (or how thick is his wallet?) than a short guy with a super model.

Do you sort of assume your target market is only tall guys? Either from your preference or because you assume that the shorter guys would self select out with you? If you find anyone funny, engaging and responsive, work on your flirt. Even if you are not super attracted. It is good practice and it changes how you work a room.

<Deleted over-share>

Point of that over-share is that if you display some interest in some guy, any guy, that is arguably out of your league, others that are observing will see you as approachable.

<Deleted over-share>

I get the lonely part. I often have bouts of it, but there is no need. There are so many people out there to enjoy at some level. Even if they are not a match in one way, something is worth engaging with.

Consider offering to be a wingman for a single male friend or co-worker. You would be surprised how well a "couple" can do in a social setting. Everyone assumes you are together, and feel really attractive when you single them out for attention or even a look. Making people feel attractive is an attractive quality.

The smart thing is- what it is. Less than one in fifty in a room are Mensa material. In your case I am thinking you too, are in the three nines stratosphere, and if you are, you can work out those odds. Keep in mind, everyone overestimates how smart they are, women by 15% and men by 25%. Find a guy above 130, and he will assume he is as bright as you are.

Bonus question (given your apparent gift for spatial reasoning) is your ring finger longer than your index finger?

 

[temp256]

Wow, I didn't expect so many replies so soon.

It seems I forgot a major factor: I'm a lesbian. This alone reduces my dating pool to around 1-3% of the general population, and an even narrower fraction of the engineering types I associate with.

I'm conscious of my posture and body language, and temper them as best as I can without objective feedback. I'm rather quiet, and my voice is fairly soft, albeit peppered with giggling.

I have another theory as to why I can't find a girlfriend: lack of experience. I've been on over a dozen first dates, but I've never had a girlfriend. What usually happens is things seem to go well from my perspective, and then I never hear from them again. All attempts at contact yield no response. With no feedback, I'm left not knowing how to modify my technique, and can only resort to random changes, or asking strangers online.

Friends are equally puzzled by my experience, and can't think of why I've had such poor success. I'd love to have or be a wingman, but I can't find anyone interested.

 

[Cumference]

Well, at least is solves the male "she has to be shorter, weaker and dumber than me"-problem.

 

[Cumference]

I see your dating pool problem.

In my experience, academia is the environment where I've met the largest percentage who are openly gay.


Engineering on the other hand, is the subject of some prejudice with regards to being populated with socially challenged male geeks.....

If you are out of the closet, have you considered participating in "gay activities" that are not directly related to match making? Going to some other social circles and getting to know more people, is quite often beneficial for your horizontal life too.

 

[NightL]

People tell me I'm intimidating.

You are just hanging with the wrong crowd - simple

 

[SexyLitForAll]

Working in an arts field, I can say that there are very many bi / gay folks here. In fact, they tend to gravitate to the arts as their sexuality is not only accepted, but is often a key influence on their work I also know many engineers, and while not being "gay haters" they do tend to be more hetero and more conservative.

Visit some galleries, museums, shows, etc...get involved in some arts networking groups, or take a class. You may be surprised. Since your work does appear to involve being creative - and developing creative solutions, you will find plenty to talk about, and plenty of interesting people. Additionally, branching out from the engineering "bubble" might have a positive impact on your work as well.

 

[Cumference]

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6i75j6WXs1qfph1s.gif

Wise words!

 

[midwestyankee]

If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

 

[Cumference]

If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

Or you are busy leading or instructing?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

90% of the time the posts I read here are like from a different world compared to my experiences. I simply bide my time till a woman shows her interest in me, then I respond friendly and act interested in her. Its not rocket science. Think about how you made friends as a kid. Kids aren't vulnerable and needy. They say "Hi" and go from there...or they don't say "hi" and leave well enough alone.