Intimidating

[Cumference]

......Its not rocket science. Think about how you made friends as a kid. Kids aren't vulnerable and needy. They say "Hi" and go from there...or they don't say "hi" and leave well enough alone.

A very good point.

And actually going to the playground, will drastically increase the number of potential playmates.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

never

Having been up and down a LOT of hills, many, many folks in my life impressed me in such a way that there was no need for me to spend more time with them. Never once was that feeling generated by the intelligence, accomplishments, academic degrees, status in society nor academia of the other IF they were interested and interesting in something other than impressing me. Just saying.

 

[Bramblethorn]

If you are out of the closet, have you considered participating in "gay activities" that are not directly related to match making? Going to some other social circles and getting to know more people, is quite often beneficial for your horizontal life too.

Good advice. I've never had any success with the "dating people you don't know well" approach; every good relationship in my life has come out of stuff like being in the same hobby group. Pick a non-solitary activity that you enjoy doing, look for a GLBT-inclusive club that does it, and focus on having fun and meeting people. If you make enough friends with similar interests and orientation, sooner or later you should find one who's interested in more than friendship - and in the meantime, you're doing something you enjoy.

 

[Primalex]

Well, at least is solves the male "she has to be shorter, weaker and dumber than me"-problem.

Because women are not humans and don't have negative traits like men.

 

[Primalex]

I've been on over a dozen first dates, but I've never had a girlfriend. What usually happens is things seem to go well from my perspective, and then I never hear from them again. All attempts at contact yield no response.

Well, at least it's fair that you are treated like a guy.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Physically, I'm a very thin, but very tall woman. Taller than most men. While there's nothing I can do about it, I'm sure my height alone is partially responsible.

I think you know me well enough for me to ask, have you tried showing them your boobies*?

*totally teasing, of course.

Men tend to be some pretty wimpy specimens, if they are not dominant in most, if not all ways (including height ), they are off-put by females who are better, in any way, than themselves. This is by no means a resolute rule, but it's a pretty accurate "general" rule, even amongst the "open minded" amongst the gender.

As for dating advice, the standard recommendation reigns true, and that is, follow your passions, whether in work or in play, and you will find like minded individuals who share like minded passions. I know that this may not help, on many levels, however, it doesn't make it any less true. Sure, you could hang out in nightclubs, hoping to find Mr. Right, but you're unlikely to find him there. Follow one of your personal passions and you're certain to find someone, in a non-abrasive environment. Enlist your friends who know you best to maybe set you up on a date with someone they know, this worked for my BFF, who was at retirement age when he was looking.

Good luck to you, my friend, may the force be with you.

 

[Cumference]

Because women are not humans and don't have negative traits like men.

Exactly.

They are elevated creatures of purity with impeccable behavior.
They don't even fart!

 

[Cumference]

?..hoping to find Mr. Right.....

There could be a complication here, with regards to post #17.

 

[Emerson40]

I think you know me well enough for me to ask, have you tried showing them your boobies*?

*totally teasing, of course.

Men tend to be some pretty wimpy specimens, if they are not dominant in most, if not all ways (including height ), they are off-put by females who are better, in any way, than themselves. This is by no means a resolute rule, but it's a pretty accurate "general" rule, even amongst the "open minded" amongst the gender.

As for dating advice, the standard recommendation reigns true, and that is, follow your passions, whether in work or in play, and you will find like minded individuals who share like minded passions. I know that this may not help, on many levels, however, it doesn't make it any less true. Sure, you could hang out in nightclubs, hoping to find Mr. Right, but you're unlikely to find him there. Follow one of your personal passions and you're certain to find someone, in a non-abrasive environment. Enlist your friends who know you best to maybe set you up on a date with someone they know, this worked for my BFF, who was at retirement age when he was looking.

Good luck to you, my friend, may the force be with you.

My nipple munching friend, you have once more been caught not reading far enough into a thread before offering up your encouragement and advice.

Things took a wee turn - not Col. Mustard in the library with a candlestick stuff, but a turn nonetheless - that makes your reply seem out of place.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Having gone back to post 17, and only post 17, of course, no sense reading everything, right, my answer still stands, following one's passions in life will surround them with like minded passionate people, at least a few of them would have to be lesbians, I mean, statistically speaking. Who knows, maybe they're all lesbians and just don't know it yet?

 

[playingforyou70]

I've tried to account for intimidation. I'm definitely not conceited, and I either don't mention, or downplay my skills as much as possible. I take a strong interest in what other people enjoy, and praise them for it. Despite my efforts, people ranging from former dates, to employers, to acquaintances I've just met have all called me intimidating.

What can I do? This situation is very lonely.[/QUOTE]

I've been called the same in certain situations. I think it's a persona that we unintentionally create to control certain situations. I'd like to chat with you more about it. Perhaps see the depths of why we are this way, and see how it can be beneficial

 

[MaryanneB]

All I can offer is my own experiences. I am a short Sicilian who was never anything until I divorced my first husband. He had me controlled hook line and the rest of it. I guess I just decided that I wasn't going to be looked at as a cute little quiet and nice Italian girl anymore.
At this point I think I went nuts and I was referred to as intimidating so I realized that I had to tone it down. That was easy for me because of my size. I refuse to play the dumb broad for anyone when I have a Mensa IQ but I look at what I want and I guess I adapt to that. Maybe that's a sell out but as long as I'm true to myself all is on.

 

[Cumference]

Talking about intimidating, I think both me and Lady C are considered intimidating ( bordering on "scary") by quite a few people.

That is actually something we really like about each other. We find it ...... Cute.

 

[SexyLitForAll]

For many people, any woman who does not fit their socially prescribed definition of what a woman should be (usually meaning subservient and quiet) is seen as "intimidating". That is, she doesn't "know her place". I like such women. They are the ones who, throughout history have changed the world for the better.

Don't change (re: conform) to accommodate those around you. Those you seek will find you in a crowd. You just need to place yourself in the right crowd. If someone is scared of by you in the meantime well, realize that it just wasn't meant to be. Better to know up front than later.

 

[temp256]

Miraculously, the girl I last went on a date with has resumed communication with a decent excuse. Maybe something will come out of it.

 

[Conager]

Well this thread was interesting to read. Kind of took a left turn in the middle. I am neither a woman or a lesbian, so I am not sure I should weigh in.

I thought at first that well, hell you are tall and like girls. Girls like tall, you should be good.

I don't know so I am just asking but do girls that like girls like tall girls or are both girls looking for small girls?

 

[SweetErika]

I don't know so I am just asking but do girls that like girls like tall girls or are both girls looking for small girls?

To me, it doesn't matter one bit, but average-tall curvy women tend to catch my eye more. I know other women who have a definite height preference-requirement, though, just as I know many men who strongly prefer petite, tall, etc., women.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

Congrats on the return call.. that must make you feel lighter inside!

I think that there is a difference between playing down your strengths and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. I don't care how smart you are, there are points in your life where you feel uncertain about your own skill set. I would suggest that, for a date, plan something that you've never done before (something that maybe the other person is likely to master more quickly than you) and allow your playful, spontaneous, risk-taking side to shine. One idea is to enroll in a class where neither of you can be the expert. It provides material for conversation and relationship building while allowing a third party to be the smartest person in the room. Despite the end result of any date, you may find it peaceful to place yourself in situations that are truly playful.

 

[Sammael Bard]

People tell me I'm intimidating. Certainly not intentionally, but it has been independently corroborated. I'm wondering if it might be part of the reason I've had such trouble with dating.

Physically, I'm a very thin, but very tall woman. Taller than most men. While there's nothing I can do about it, I'm sure my height alone is partially responsible.

Men are intimidated by size. No shit, but I'd be lying to you if I said that a woman taller than me would do good for my confidence. However, it isn't the only thing that I look for when I go out on a date with someone.

My girlfriend is about the same height as me without her killer heels. With those babies on....well, you can imagine. Nonetheless, I don't let this otherwise minor thing annoy me.

If a man can't look past his insecurities, then I'd wager he isn't worth your time. There are many fishes in the sea.

Don't be disappointed.

ETA: I just saw that you like girls. So ignore my above mentioned rambling. I have no idea if women themselves are intimidated by size. Not the faintest idea.

The really intimidating factor is my intelligence. I'm a cross-disciplinary engineer with many exciting projects. I'm regularly told I'm the smartest person someone has met. While flattering, apparently the intimidation factor is too much for most people.

I've tried to account for intimidation. I'm definitely not conceited, and I either don't mention, or downplay my skills as much as possible. I take a strong interest in what other people enjoy, and praise them for it. Despite my efforts, people ranging from former dates, to employers, to acquaintances I've just met have all called me intimidating.

What can I do? This situation is very lonely.

Edit: I forgot to mention: I like girls.

Err...coming to the root of your problem, it would've helped me a lot if I knew how you carried yourself, how you spoke with others, your mannerism and such. I'm only getting only one single perspective on you - which is yours.

Now there are technically two solutions to your problems:

> You change yourself. (No self-respecting woman will, or should, do that)

> You find someone who is superior to you on an intellectual and an emotional level.

The obvious choice is the second one, but finding such a partner will be hard as you've mentioned.

Start with someone you know has an affinity towards you. I'm sure it'd be a gentle beginning, but a beginning nonetheless. Remember that no partner will be perfect at the first glance. Both of you may have to adjust, but I'm sure it can work out.

Hope you find the best.

Bard.

 

[surferjake]

Many times, our insecurities are what we end up showing the most when we don't want to. First dates are tough - and if you are self conscious about your height, or acting right, or overcompensating, that can come off as fake. Or needy. So intimidating may be an outsider's view / people who know you as opposed to the view of your first dates. "All attempts at contact yield no response" points me in that direction. Granted, I'm looking at it from a guy's perspective, BUT from experience; guy calls girl, doesn't hear back. Calls again. Emails. Sends a text. Emails again. Calls. Girl gets weirded out by the second call, so the further efforts just re-enforce the stay away factor.

Also - what kind of girls are you into? Personality-wise, who have you been dating? Are they experienced? Are they new to the dating scene as well? Have they been random dates, or friends that set you up?

Trying too hard always gets us into trouble.. and then there is the total lack of context/nuance via text and email that some things just come out sounding bad. My advice is always - relax. It will happen.

You got call-back from girl. Go with it. But don't overcompensate or worry so much. You're obviously a smart, educated woman. That should be good enough for anyone that you want to hang out with.

Wow, I didn't expect so many replies so soon.

It seems I forgot a major factor: I'm a lesbian. This alone reduces my dating pool to around 1-3% of the general population, and an even narrower fraction of the engineering types I associate with.

I'm conscious of my posture and body language, and temper them as best as I can without objective feedback. I'm rather quiet, and my voice is fairly soft, albeit peppered with giggling.

I have another theory as to why I can't find a girlfriend: lack of experience. I've been on over a dozen first dates, but I've never had a girlfriend. What usually happens is things seem to go well from my perspective, and then I never hear from them again. All attempts at contact yield no response. With no feedback, I'm left not knowing how to modify my technique, and can only resort to random changes, or asking strangers online.

Friends are equally puzzled by my experience, and can't think of why I've had such poor success. I'd love to have or be a wingman, but I can't find anyone interested.

 

[Que]

Are you incorporating a lot of (non-sexual) touch both for making an actual connection but also to be disarming?

It occurs to me as I mull this over that what I would advise you to do has to be the same as I would advise a guy who is able to talk to women but cannot seem to close.

Another thing I have found helpful, though your mileage may vary is to be pretty overt about my intentions. I make it sound a little tongue in cheek but I am pretty clear about my intentions leaning towards the physical if that is the truth. I probably get away with that more than most because I have the opposite problem as you in that my size makes me not at all intimidating, so I need to declare early so that I don't look like I am auditioning for confident or orbiter.

 

[temp256]

Of course I can't give anyone's perspective but my own. As best as I can tell, I don't come off as needy or fake. I certainly don't pester women with contact attempts. I only try two or three times, spaced several days apart.

My "choice" of dates is nearly random, because I have no real choice. Simply meeting available lesbians is a rare enough occurrence. Friends can't find me a date any better than I can. Invariably they are more experienced than I, simply because I have no experience.

Physical touch is not something I'm used to initiating, or even receiving. My friends rarely even hug.

 

[Que]

Of course I can't give anyone's perspective but my own. As best as I can tell, I don't come off as needy or fake. I certainly don't pester women with contact attempts. I only try two or three times, spaced several days apart.

My "choice" of dates is nearly random, because I have no real choice. Simply meeting available lesbians is a rare enough occurrence. Friends can't find me a date any better than I can. Invariably they are more experienced than I, simply because I have no experience.

Physical touch is not something I'm used to initiating, or even receiving. My friends rarely even hug.

I came from a pretty non-demonstrative family so it was not "natural" for me but huge difference. There is actual science behind it to, so you should totally do it.

The most common are a light touch on the shoulder with an excuse of guiding them somewhere or directing their attention, a brief touch of a forearm to emphasize a point or a hand fairly high on the small of their back again usually to guid them.

Everyone, including people that are uncomfortable with touch crave it to some degree I think. Studies talk about infants deprived of it and the consequences. I live in the middle of nowhere and it feels very uncomfortable when I reach civilization.

Try touch with men and women you are not trying to date just to get over the discomfort of what I would guess is your expectation that you are invading someones comfort zone.

Back of the hand, forearm, back of arm, shoulder, back, outside of thigh down low so as to not make it sexual.

You know how you cannot tickle yourself? Touch from others releases oxytocin which is a pair bonding hormone. Not only will the person you are interacting with get that release, it changes your vibe and confidence as well. Humans are meant to touch. Think of grooming behaviors in primates in the wild.

Even if you do not initiate it, you have met people that do. Even if you are not attracted to them, do you not perceive them as warm, friendly people, maybe someone that you could see a friend with?

 

[temp256]

I'm familiar with the science behind touch, and the oxytocin response. It's something I desire from a relationship, but it still going to be rather awkward until I get used to it.

 

[Que]

It is one of those fake it till you make it things. It gets easier as you try it. Because I am a little touch-sensitive, I (wrongly) assumed people would have that flight or fight response triggered. It is surprising to find how it does the opposite and puts people at ease.