More Humour

[Handley_Page]

I got chatting to a girl in a club, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said,
"So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

I said, "My wife found out."

 

[BonBon1976]

Do you fart in bed ?
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

 

[JWren]

Do you fart in bed ?
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

THANKS so much for this. No need to pray for me. Need more tissues

 

[Handley_Page]

My daughter was asked to draw something from her personal life for a school project.

After, she showed me and I said, "Darling, where did you see pink elephant and a gorilla shagging beside a waterfall?"

"It's not," she replied. "It's mummy and Uncle Kev in the shower."

 

[JKendallDane]

Having a Happy Hangover

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He looks over to the dresser and sees the clothing he wore last night on top of it, all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless and clean as is the rest of the house he will soon discover. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00

Broken furniture - $200.00

Breakfast - $10.00

Being lucky enough to say the right thing - priceless

 

[Handley_Page]

'Cheap Shots' About Men and Women

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often." - Oliver Herford

"Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her body." - John Vanbrugh

"The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is." - Helen Rowland

"Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking." - Rupert Hughes

"Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson

"Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in." - Katharine Whitehorn

"Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses." - Elizabeth Taylor

 

[DG Hear]

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often." - Oliver Herford

"Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her body." - John Vanbrugh

"The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is." - Helen Rowland

"Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking." - Rupert Hughes

"Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson

"Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in." - Katharine Whitehorn

"Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses." - Elizabeth Taylor

Good Stuff HP and friends, love it.
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

Having a Happy Hangover

I make little apology for this story; it's priceless.



Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He looks over to the dresser and sees the clothing he wore last night on top of it, all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless and clean as is the rest of the house he will soon discover. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:-
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!" ."

A self-induced hangover - $100.00

Broken furniture - $200.00

Breakfast - $10.00

Being lucky enough to say the right thing - priceless.

 

[JWren]

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.
In those days, the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:

"OH!! Limp pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millenniums that morphed into " Olympics".
Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.
You're very welcome. . .

 

[Handley_Page]

The Outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.
They had to use an Outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The Outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the Outhouse into the creek.
So he got a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, The Outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the Outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son," ?

The boy answered yes.. Then he thought a moment and said,
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

And Dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's Father wasn't in that cherry tree."

 

[Handley_Page]

The smartly-dressed, but harassed-looking woman approached a London Taxi at Paddington.
"Waterloo, please mate", she said, as she got in.
"The station?" asked the cabbie.
"Well, I'm bit fucking late for the Battle", she replied.

 

[Handley_Page]

Confucius Say:
It's ok to let a fool kiss you,
but don't let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Say:
A kiss is just shopping upstairs
for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Say:
It is better to lose a lover
than love a loser.

Confucius Say:
Man with a broken condom
is called a Daddy

Confucius Say:
A drunken man's words
are a sober man's thoughts.

Confucius Say:
Marriage is like a bank account.
You put it in, you take it out,
and you lose interest.

Confucius Say:
Viagra is like Disneyland .......
a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Confucius Say:
It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you
do not want.

Confucius Say:
A joke is like sex.
Neither is any good if you don't get it.

 

[DG Hear]

Recieved this from a friend yesterday; worth sharing.
DG

(“Aphorism - a short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or a general truth”).


1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humour you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity..

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 04:00 - for example, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap

15. Be careful about reading the fine print there's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realise that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Bentley than in a Kia.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.

And REMEMBER.....

"POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

 

[Handley_Page]

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

 

[R. Richard]

18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Bentley than in a Kia.

18A. Money can't buy poverty.

 

[Handley_Page]

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shouting at the top of his voice and shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whisky in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down...
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song today let us sing-

Hymn #365 - Shall We Gather at the River.'

 

[Handley_Page]

The President's car was a running low on fuel:-

See here.

 

[Handley_Page]

First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."

 

[JKendallDane]

How to terrify a cab driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.

When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs, darted inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, so I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away:

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

 

[jehoram]

The smartly-dressed, but harassed-looking woman approached a London Taxi at Paddington.
"Waterloo, please mate", she said, as she got in.
"The station?" asked the cabbie.
"Well, I'm bit fucking late for the Battle", she replied.

Which reminds me of the American tourist visiting the site of the signing of the Magna Carta.

"When did all this happen?" he asked the docent.

"1215," the docent replied.

The tourist looks at his watch and said, "Damn it! Missed it by three hours!"

 

[Handley_Page]

Bumper Stickers You Probably Missed

Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
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To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
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Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
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Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
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The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
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I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
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So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
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Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
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If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
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Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
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Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
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He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
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You! Out Of The Gene Pool Now!
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I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
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Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
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If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
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Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
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Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
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If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
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Ax Me About Ebonics.
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Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
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Boldly Going Nowhere.
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Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
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Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
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Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
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How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
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WANTED: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
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Your Proctologist Called.... He Found Your head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[Handley_Page]

Thoughts to Ponder

Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?

Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?

Does peanut butter really have butter in it?

Do mimes watch silent movies?

Is the fear of flying groundless?

What would you use to dilute water?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling "Movie! Movie"?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Did the early US settlers ever go on a camping trip?

 

[JWren]

Just Mathematics

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
-Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

 

[SandraMustard]

Girl says to her blonde friend, "I slept with a Brazilian last night."

The blonde friend says, "You slut!" After thinking further, she asks, "How many is in a Brazilian anyway?"

 

[DG Hear]

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

what women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......