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More Humour

It's Dark in Here

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her nine-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

The man whispers, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250."

The very next week it happens again that the dad comes home early, and the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

Man - Remembering last time, he asks, "How much?"

Boy - "$500."

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son replies, "$750."

The father explodes. "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost even brand new. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church, and still very upset, the father pushes the little boy into the confession booth and slams the door shut.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

:D
 
Last edited:
Could ha' fired a warning shot. . .

From WTTC News in Dallas, we get this heart-warming tale of a long-time criminal, 33, named Deyfon Pipkins, who tried to climb in a window of a home.

See here
 
The Outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an Outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The Outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the Outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, The Outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the Outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son," ?

The boy answered yes.. Then he thought a moment and said,
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's Father wasn't in that cherry tree."
 
The sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy.
He asks Jan, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly.'
Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night.'"

"That's right," replies Jan, "And that's how it's going to stay until our loan is paid off."
 
A quickie

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
 
A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she asks.
'Yes,' he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.
'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde..
The boy looks at her incredulously and says: "Because I'm the goal-keeper !!!
 
Two old ladies . . .

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home,
having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end,
puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age) and very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.
 
Set to me by a good friend

TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.

Have a great Day.

"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
 
HOMELESS MAN'S FUNERAL

As a bagpiper, I play many places. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ' Amazing Grace ,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.
 
A policeman finds someone crawling on all fours in the middle of the street.
The cop approaches him and asks him, "What on earth do you think you’re doing?"
The man on the floor replies, “I’ve lost it."
The policeman asks him curiously, "lost what?"
The man on the floor answers, "well (hiccup) my balance sir."



The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, ''Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.''
So the Doberman says, ''I love liver and cheese.''
The Collie says, ''That's not good enough.''
The Bulldog says, ''I hate liver and cheese.''
She says, ''That's not creative.''
Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, ''Liver alone......cheese mine.''
 
Translation Page

1. THINGY
(thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE
(vul-NE-Ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.....Playing football without a cup.

3 COMMUNICATION
(ko-myoo-in-Kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.


5. ENTERTAINMENT
(en-ter-tayn-ment)n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE
(may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL
(RI-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


AND;

He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I'll sit on the sofa and fart!

He said.....What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
 
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
 
Captain Diego Montoya Garcia, of the spanish Armada flagship "Quando" was on the deck one day when his first mate ran up to him and cried "Captain! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"
Captain Diego turned a calm eye to his mate and said "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate ran and got the captains red shirt, which he put on.
A fierce battle raged and the Quando was victorious.
After the battle, the first mate asked the captain "Sir, why do you don a red shirt before battle?"
The captain yawned bravely and said "If I am wounded in battle, the men will not see me bleeding, and they will be inspired."
The mate was in awe of his wise captain.
Just then, another crewman ran up to the captain and cried "Captain! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!" The captain turned to his first mate and ordered "Bring me my brown pants."
 
Two high school Sweethearts

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.
When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.
He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So what she did was this: She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, the guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed.
So he wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.
 
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it--to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
 
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