More Humour

[JWren]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.'

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

The Dad's reply:


"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere?"

 

[JKendallDane]

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER MULE TO A HITCHING POST. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE...NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM...BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women...they didn't get old by being stupid.

 

[Handley_Page]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS? A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap-wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

 

[JWren]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS? A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap-wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

Like it! Look before you leap syndrome

 

[Handley_Page]

Pet Rules--Memo to the Family Dog and Cat

1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

3. The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.

8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.

9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.

10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here; you don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet(s) better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, and don't worry about the latest fashions.

 

[BonBon1976]

MEDICAID COVERAGE...

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.' 'Mrs. Sanders, please.' 'Speaking.' 'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.' 'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. 'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.' 'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders. 'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.' 'Well, what am I supposed to do now?' 'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

 

[fma20fma]

MEDICAID COVERAGE...

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.' 'Mrs. Sanders, please.' 'Speaking.' 'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.' 'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. 'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.' 'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders. 'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.' 'Well, what am I supposed to do now?' 'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

this joke shock.who conceived this?

 

[Sammael Bard]

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER MULE TO A HITCHING POST. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE...NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM...BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women...they didn't get old by being stupid.

Good one, JKD. I was laughing my arse off.

 

[oggbashan]

Notice pasted below the Mona Lisa in The Louvre

In very small print.

If you can read this notice:

- You have breached the security cordon
- You have been recorded on 20 cameras
- Your DNA has been collected and identified
- Your pictures and DNA details have been passed to Interpol and Police forces throughout the world with a request for you to be terminated with extreme prejudice.
- You are decades too late. President De Gaulle sold the Mona Lisa and you are trying to steal a copy.

 

[Handley_Page]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don't know, but who you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it.

A man answered, saying Hello..

I politely said, 'This is Rick. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe anyone could be so rude!

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number (to call her), I found I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop (because he might be able to identify me). So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program."

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a For Sale sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I then asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front."

He said his name was Don Hansen and he was home every evening after five.

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up & added his number to my speed dial.

Now when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea!
I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah!" He screamed, "Stop calling me!"

I said, "Make me."
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., a yellow ranch style home, and I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole." He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass!"
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd., to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down on Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter, and surrounded by a news crew!


NOW I feel much better!

Anger management really does work.

 

[Handley_Page]

Insults With Class

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -- Billy Wilder

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill

 

[Handley_Page]

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

And finally...

In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

 

[JKendallDane]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books the aggressive agent turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all cleric. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

 

[Handley_Page]

Best firewall Ever ...

1. One human cell contains 75MB genetic information.

2. One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5MB.

3. One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.

4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml semen.

5. This means that the throughput of a man's member is equal to (37.5MB x
100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second = 1,6875
Terabyte/sec

This means that the female egg cell withstands this DDoS attack at 1.5
terabyte per second, and only lets through one(!) data package, thereby
being the best freaking hardware firewall in the world!

The downside of it is that only THIS small data package that it lets
through, hangs the system for the whole of 9 months!

 

[fma20fma]

hi

Best firewall Ever ...

1. One human cell contains 75MB genetic information.

2. One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5MB.

3. One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.

4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml semen.

5. This means that the throughput of a man's member is equal to (37.5MB x
100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second = 1,6875
Terabyte/sec

This means that the female egg cell withstands this DDoS attack at 1.5
terabyte per second, and only lets through one(!) data package, thereby
being the best freaking hardware firewall in the world!

The downside of it is that only THIS small data package that it lets
through, hangs the system for the whole of 9 months!

I was agast at this info.if all the 2.25 reproduce the world will overflow in population.

 

[Handley_Page]

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table..
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.
'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET '

 

[Handley_Page]

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob."
Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! Please!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking,
and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Bob the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said Bob.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yelling.....
"BOB, wake up for fucksake,"You've just shit the bed..!"

 

[Handley_Page]

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.

The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says,
"That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Arse Hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and Hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arse Hole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?

 

[JWren]

A virgin

Maria had just married and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.* But her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria.* Tony's a good man.*Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."*
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and revealed his hairy chest.* Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest !"*
"Don't worry, Maria" said her mother, "all good men have hairy chests.*Go upstairs , he'll take good care of you."***
When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.* Again, Maria ran downstairs to her other, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs !*
"Don't worry, all good men have hairy legs.*Tony's a good man and he'll take care of you."
Up she went again.*Tony took off his socks and, on his left foot, he was missing three toes !* When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half !"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," her mother said. "This is a job for Mama."

 

[Handley_Page]

POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD

An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him .. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range . Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed . A state wide manhunt ensued .

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. After he shot at them, SWAT team officers open fired and hit the guy 68 times .

Now here's the kicker:

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they shot the poor undocumented immigrant 68 times .

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel:
"Because that's all the ammunition we had. "

 

[Handley_Page]

This one's from Kipper

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Fred and his wife, Diane, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Fred leaned over, touched Diane’s arm gently, and whispered,

'Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Fred’s life of celibacy..........

 

[JKendallDane]

(originally posted this in another thread, but fits here too)

About 25 years ago, an almost-elderly friend of mine was one of the guests on the Phil Donahue Show episode where penile implants were the topic. His was (at the time) brand new technology and his instant erections were electronically operated by a remote button that was strapped to his waist.

I can still see the "How the fuck do I comeback to that?" look on Donahue's face, when he asked if my friend had experienced any problems with his hi-tech penis, and got a response of:

"Well Phil, other than the neighbor's garage door opener being on the same frequency, not really."

 

[Handley_Page]

How to wash a cat

This was simply too much of a time-saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Regards,
the Dog

 

[Handley_Page]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Peeved at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him about 200 feet into a cactus patch leaving him singed and injured.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,
'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder, then stick it in his ear."

 

[Handley_Page]

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.