JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....
 
hi

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The picture shows two women wearing headscarves and sharing intimate conversation.

One says, "You husband sure seems happier lately."

The other replies with a wide smile, "I got him a goat."

she should have got two goats one for each of them.
 
A new preacher came to a small town in rural Mississippi and took over a holy roller church there. One of those where the practices are somewhat...unconventional.

Several of the deacons apprised him of the local talent, and all warned him against wasting his time with Betty Lou Simms.

"That girl is just bone lazy," they said. "She wouldn't move her ass if there was an earthquake under her."

The preacher took this as a challenge and a chance to glorify the gospel as well, and the next Sunday he preached a rousing sermon with the theme "God created everything for a reason."

People were a little doubtful, no doubt thinking that ticks, chiggers, and crotch rot were hard to explain, but when the Spirit of the Lord came upon them and people were convulsing and prophesying, the preacher grabbed Betty Lou by the hand and pulled her outside into a patch of weeds and briers where he pushed her to the ground and had his way with her.

Onlookers were amazed to see that she wiggled, wailed and indeed moved her ass most enthusiastically under the preachers vigorous ministrations.

Later, when asked how he managed it, he smiled and said, "That's why God created green briers."
 
Doctor: "Look, you're going to have to stop masturbating."

Patient: "Why?"

Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
 
The other day a guy offered me a go on his ice rink for 10p.

I thought, "What a fucking cheap skate."

:eek:
 
I'm sure my mate Dave is having an affair with my wife.

He's been a miserable cunt lately.
 
I'm sure my mate Dave is having an affair with my wife.

He's been a miserable cunt lately.

You can find out for sure by offering him a glass of vinegar and water.

If he drinks it without complaining, you'll know. :D
 
What do you call a tampon in a glass of warm water?

A vampire tea bag.
 
Two vomits are walking down the street when one starts to cry.

"Why the tears?" the other asks.

"See that pub over there? That's where i was brought up..." :catroar:
 
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."

Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
 
Whats the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a nymphomaniac homosexual with diarrhoea?

One shucks between the fits and the other fucks between the shits
 
Woody Allen (I think)

"A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. The doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. "

That's how I feel about relationships. They're totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs.
 
(Hopefully this joke hasn't been told in this forum before.)

A man is walking along the beach when he comes across an old man sitting on the shore, looking rather depressed. Curious, he approaches the man, and asks, "Why are you so sad?"

"My people, they don't respect me." The man sighs and points to a cliffside to the left, where dozens of beautiful homes stand. "I built those homes for my people with my bare hands, but do they call me Tito the Builder? No." The man then points to the sea ahead, where several boats are sailing. "I also sailed all of those boats myself...but do they call me Tito the Sailor? No."

The old man pauses for a moment. "...But I fuck a goat ONE TIME..."
 
(Hopefully this joke hasn't been told in this forum before.)

A man is walking along the beach when he comes across an old man sitting on the shore, looking rather depressed. Curious, he approaches the man, and asks, "Why are you so sad?"

"My people, they don't respect me." The man sighs and points to a cliffside to the left, where dozens of beautiful homes stand. "I built those homes for my people with my bare hands, but do they call me Tito the Builder? No." The man then points to the sea ahead, where several boats are sailing. "I also sailed all of those boats myself...but do they call me Tito the Sailor? No."

The old man pauses for a moment. "...But I fuck a goat ONE TIME..."

~Snort~

PS...WHAT up, Luster?? Long time.
 
What was Princess Di wearing when they pulled her out of the wreckage?
Crushed velvet

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What were Princess Di's last words?
"I'm a bloody princess"

(As told by my almost 19 year old son)

What did Dodi Al Fayed say to his driver in the afterlife...

"I told you, I wanted to fuck Di in her tunnel, not fuckin' die in the tunnel"
 
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''That's ridiculous! You should go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
 
A teacher asked the kids in her 3rd grade class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered: "I wanna start out as a Marine Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johhny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny’s whore."
 
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