AtlantaGuy33
Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 20, 2013
- Posts
- 93
What do you call a couple of Mexican guys playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
Juan on Juan
JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...
- Thread starter jacktar48
- Start date
AtlantaGuy33
Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 20, 2013
- Posts
- 93
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....
fma20fma
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 13, 2009
- Posts
- 16,537
jacktar48
Mouse Chaser
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,754
A new preacher came to a small town in rural Mississippi and took over a holy roller church there. One of those where the practices are somewhat...unconventional.
Several of the deacons apprised him of the local talent, and all warned him against wasting his time with Betty Lou Simms.
"That girl is just bone lazy," they said. "She wouldn't move her ass if there was an earthquake under her."
The preacher took this as a challenge and a chance to glorify the gospel as well, and the next Sunday he preached a rousing sermon with the theme "God created everything for a reason."
People were a little doubtful, no doubt thinking that ticks, chiggers, and crotch rot were hard to explain, but when the Spirit of the Lord came upon them and people were convulsing and prophesying, the preacher grabbed Betty Lou by the hand and pulled her outside into a patch of weeds and briers where he pushed her to the ground and had his way with her.
Onlookers were amazed to see that she wiggled, wailed and indeed moved her ass most enthusiastically under the preachers vigorous ministrations.
Later, when asked how he managed it, he smiled and said, "That's why God created green briers."
Several of the deacons apprised him of the local talent, and all warned him against wasting his time with Betty Lou Simms.
"That girl is just bone lazy," they said. "She wouldn't move her ass if there was an earthquake under her."
The preacher took this as a challenge and a chance to glorify the gospel as well, and the next Sunday he preached a rousing sermon with the theme "God created everything for a reason."
People were a little doubtful, no doubt thinking that ticks, chiggers, and crotch rot were hard to explain, but when the Spirit of the Lord came upon them and people were convulsing and prophesying, the preacher grabbed Betty Lou by the hand and pulled her outside into a patch of weeds and briers where he pushed her to the ground and had his way with her.
Onlookers were amazed to see that she wiggled, wailed and indeed moved her ass most enthusiastically under the preachers vigorous ministrations.
Later, when asked how he managed it, he smiled and said, "That's why God created green briers."
J
JudasIscariot
Guest
The other day a guy offered me a go on his ice rink for 10p.
I thought, "What a fucking cheap skate."
I thought, "What a fucking cheap skate."
J
JudasIscariot
Guest
I'm sure my mate Dave is having an affair with my wife.
He's been a miserable cunt lately.
He's been a miserable cunt lately.
jacktar48
Mouse Chaser
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,754
You can find out for sure by offering him a glass of vinegar and water.
If he drinks it without complaining, you'll know.
jacktar48
Mouse Chaser
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,754
OK, now I've got competition for the Most Disgusting Joke Award.
And I was looking forward to the TV show, the bright lights, the screaming crowd, the bronze-plated Pukey Trophy...
http://cdn.trendhunterstatic.com/thumbs/jock-mooney.jpeg
I had already cleaned off a place on my mantle.
Kat73
Walking on Sunshine
- Joined
- Jan 28, 2008
- Posts
- 34,680
Thank you, thank you!
jacktar48
Mouse Chaser
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,754
I didn't say you'd won yet. Don't get too attached to that trophy.
I'm working on something that will gag a maggot.
beachbaby179
pearls go with everything
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
- Posts
- 31,334
Two vomits are walking down the street when one starts to cry.
"Why the tears?" the other asks.
"See that pub over there? That's where i was brought up..."
Ouch. That one was painful...
jacktar48
Mouse Chaser
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,754
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"
His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."
So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."
So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
LusterMunky
.....
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2010
- Posts
- 12,908
Woody Allen (I think)
"A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. The doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. "
That's how I feel about relationships. They're totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs.
"A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. The doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. "
That's how I feel about relationships. They're totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs.
DarlingCunt
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- May 18, 2012
- Posts
- 301
(Hopefully this joke hasn't been told in this forum before.)
A man is walking along the beach when he comes across an old man sitting on the shore, looking rather depressed. Curious, he approaches the man, and asks, "Why are you so sad?"
"My people, they don't respect me." The man sighs and points to a cliffside to the left, where dozens of beautiful homes stand. "I built those homes for my people with my bare hands, but do they call me Tito the Builder? No." The man then points to the sea ahead, where several boats are sailing. "I also sailed all of those boats myself...but do they call me Tito the Sailor? No."
The old man pauses for a moment. "...But I fuck a goat ONE TIME..."
A man is walking along the beach when he comes across an old man sitting on the shore, looking rather depressed. Curious, he approaches the man, and asks, "Why are you so sad?"
"My people, they don't respect me." The man sighs and points to a cliffside to the left, where dozens of beautiful homes stand. "I built those homes for my people with my bare hands, but do they call me Tito the Builder? No." The man then points to the sea ahead, where several boats are sailing. "I also sailed all of those boats myself...but do they call me Tito the Sailor? No."
The old man pauses for a moment. "...But I fuck a goat ONE TIME..."
LusterMunky
.....
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2010
- Posts
- 12,908
Funny
Que
aʒɑ̃ prɔvɔkatœr
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2009
- Posts
- 39,882
What did Dodi Al Fayed say to his driver in the afterlife...
"I told you, I wanted to fuck Di in her tunnel, not fuckin' die in the tunnel"
Sonichu
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2014
- Posts
- 427
I've got a fish would you like to make a wish?
DarlingCunt
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- May 18, 2012
- Posts
- 301
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''That's ridiculous! You should go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''That's ridiculous! You should go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
jacktar48
Mouse Chaser
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,754
A teacher asked the kids in her 3rd grade class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny answered: "I wanna start out as a Marine Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johhny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny’s whore."
Little Johnny answered: "I wanna start out as a Marine Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johhny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny’s whore."
